


Growing Up Is Hard to Do

by fir8008



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Childhood Friends, Complicated Relationships, Dark, Developing Relationship, Eating Disorders, Mental Health Issues, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Other, PLEASE BE ADVISED BY THE TAGS, PLEASE TAKE ALL TRIGGER AND CONTENT WARNINGS SERIOUSLY, Platonic Relationships, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Slice of Life, Suicide, Teen Angst, Unhealthy Relationships, except it's seoul but like a small town version of seoul, this gets very dark very fast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-13 09:03:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 54
Words: 102,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15360996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: They grew up in the same neighborhood. They played together in the same yards, scraped their knees on the same cracked sidewalks. They were all the best of friends.But all things must change.High school may be the best four years of your life, but no one ever said growing up was easy. It only took one summer for everything to change. And Kim Joonmyun does not adapt well to change.





	1. September

**Author's Note:**

> It has now been about five years since I first posted this fic and I decided it was finally time to tidy up this fic and post it over here. This was a labor of love that spanned about a year and a half after starting as a slice of life high school drama it became a larger piece about very dark themes. I implore you to please carefully read all content and trigger warnings. This fic gets very dark very fast and then doesn't really let up. As this is a five year old fic, warnings will be posted even if they technically contain spoilers in order for me to be a responsible author. This fic has also undergone some minor editing from the original to correct typos, tenses, and syntax. Major plot points have not been altered.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. This story is for entertainment only and not meant to reflect true events.
> 
> Editing this was like taking a trip down memory lane. I do hope you enjoy this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 9 March 2013

⎘ David Elkind | _“Friendships in childhood are usually a matter of chance, whereas in adolescence they are most often a matter of choice.”_

 

 

They’ve known each other since infancy. They’ve played together, traipsed down the same sidewalks, splashed in the same sprinkler, and attended the same birthday parties. It makes Joonmyun sad to think everything has changed so drastically over one summer.

It’s the first day of high school.

As Joonmyun weaves through the sea of upperclassmen, his eyes search for anyone familiar. In theory, it shouldn’t be too hard to find someone he grew up with. But when he does see the kids he knows, he’s shocked at how much they’ve changed.

Baekhyun discovered eyeliner over the summer and his eyes are lined with heavy black kohl. Luhan bleached and permed his hair, making him look like a little prince. All the upperclassmen girls swoon over them. Sehun grew an inch or two and got a little thinner. His blank face is still the same though. Zitao has about five new piercings and is dressed head to toe in black. It’s funny to see Zitao look so scary when the boy is gentle as a lamb.

The person who has changed the most is Wufan. Except he goes by Kris now. He’s grown out his hair and dyed it blonde. He grew a couple inches too and he towers over everyone in the cramped hallway. A few new piercings are in his ear. Joonmyun doesn’t know why seeing Wufan so different makes him so sad.

 

Jongdae is ten minutes late for music class. The teacher gives him a lecture about punctuality but is at a loss for words when Jongdae opens his mouth to sing. Baekhyun gives him a dirty look over his sheet music and leans over to whisper something to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo whispers back. Jongdae stares at his music, trying to ignore them. Luhan is nice enough to compliment him at least.

 

The practice room is empty. Yixing lets himself in and starts to stretch. He has his headphones over his ears as he begins to move his body, following the rhythm with ease. He feels in his element when he dances. He feels in control. Every muscle, every vein, every cell dances with him and he feels _good_. He closes his eyes and loses himself in the beat, oblivious to the fact he’s being watched from the doorway.

Kim Jongin smirks a little to himself.

 

“I’m serious, Tao. I need to lose weight.”

Zitao sighs for the umpteenth time. “That is so stupid. Why? You look fine.”

Minseok pouts at the taller male. “I’m fat.”

“So stop stuffing yourself with sweets and ramen. A piece of fruit wouldn’t kill you.”

Minseok makes note of that.

 

“What language are you taking?” Chanyeol asks Sehun, flipping through his schedule.

Sehun checks his schedule. “Mandarin 1. What about you?”

“Lucky, I got Japanese 1.”

“I’d rather take Japanese. My lisp is going to make Mandarin a nightmare.”

“You could always ask Luhan for help.” Chanyeol wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Sehun flushes pink. “Shut up.”

 

Jongdae wants to rip his hair out.

He’s been staring at _pinyins_ for half an hour, still completely oblivious to what it means. He hates the feeling of watching everyone else dutifully translate their _pinyins_ without any difficulty. He feels stupid watching Baekhyun and Kyungsoo turn in their papers early. Baekhyun shoots Jongdae a smug look as he walks back to his desk. He feels even stupider when he’s the last one still working. He hears a couple people snicker at his lack of activity.

His paper is still blank when the bell rings.

 

Dance team tryouts are that afternoon. Yixing recognizes a few kids from his classes among the crowd of potential members. He chats with Luhan as they wait for the auditorium fill up. Auditions start as soon as the room is full.

The first person onstage is one of their neighbors: Kim Jongin. He has always been a good dancer and Yixing isn’t surprised to see him trying out. Yixing _is_ surprised when he sees Jongin doing _his_ dance. His jaw drops as he watches Jongin flawlessly execute the moves that _he_ labored on for weeks.

Luhan jabs him in the side. “Xing-Xing, isn’t that your dance?”

“Yeah…”

 

“Where were over the summer?” Zitao takes a long drag from his cigarette. Another new habit.

Joonmyun presses his lips together, unsure of how to phrase “yeah so my parents got a really messy divorce after my mom caught my dad and his mistress together and I spent all summer in the boondocks with my mom before she let me come back to Seoul and go to high school” nicely.

“Family problems,” he says evasively. “Seems like I missed a lot.”

Zitao nods. “To be honest, I feel like you held us all together. And without you we splintered off into our own groups again. Just like in kindergarten.”

Joonmyun raises his eyebrows.

“Back then you were the only one to talk to us Chinese kids. Because of you breaking the ice we all fell together.” Zitao pulls his wallet out and slides a folded photograph out of one of the slots. Joonmyun leans over to look. It’s a picture from when they were all six. Mrs. Huang managed to corral them all to take one perfect picture of the twelve of them.

Jongin and Kyungsoo are in the middle, crouching and sporting identical grins. Yixing stands behind them, smiling and showing off his dimples. Sehun and Luhan stand next to each other, Luhan smiling shyly, Sehun’s face typically blank. Baekhyun stands on tiptoes next to a very young-looking Zitao. Chanyeol is in the middle of laughing, his mouth wide open and his eyes scrunched up. Jongdae and Minseok are hugging, wearing gummy grins. Wufan and Joonmyun stand at the end of the lineup; Wufan’s arm wrapped around Joonmyun’s shoulders, both smiling softly at the camera.

Joonmyun wants to cry.


	2. October

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 10 March 2013

⎘ Harlan Coben |  _ “Make no mistake, adolescence is a war. No gets out unscathed.” _

 

 

The dance team is preparing for their first performance. Joonmyun hears through the grapevine that Jongin scored a solo dance spot. Yixing walks around looking like someone shot his puppy. Luhan whispers to Sehun that Jongin copied Yixing’s dance. Sehun whispers that Jongin always gets what he wants.

Always.

 

Kyungsoo learns that fast.

He doesn’t protest when Jongin pushes him against a wall in the empty home economics room and smashes their lips together. They’ve grown up together. They’ve shared a special bond since they were kids so he doesn’t say anything.

When he does speak it’s to ask if Jongin is gay. Jongin rounds on Kyungsoo, angrily hissing that he isn’t.

“You just kissed a boy, Jongin.”

“I’m not gay, Kyungsoo.”

They’ve been inseparable since they were babies. So Kyungsoo doesn’t question it.

 

“What happened to ‘I need to lose weight’?” Zitao wrinkles his nose at the bowl of seafood ramen Minseok is slurping from.

“It’s almost winter, Tao. I need to conserve energy.” Minseok shovels another chopstick-full into his mouth. “I’ll work out in the spring.”

Zitao rolls his eyes and lights a cigarette.

 

Baekhyun is in the boys’ bathroom with an eyeliner pencil in his hand. He closes one eye and traces over the line he made earlier, darkening it.

A toilet flushes in one of the stalls and Chanyeol steps out. Baekhyun tries to ignore him as Chanyeol washes his hands beside him. He feels Chanyeol’s eyes on him.

“How have you been Baek? I don’t see you around too much anymore.” Chanyeol’s deep voice rumbles in the small bathroom.

“I’m fine.” Baekhyun replies coolly. He caps his pencil, sticks it in his bag, and starts to leave.

“Are you avoiding me, Baek?” Chanyeol’s words sends shivers down his spine.

Baekhyun slams the door behind him.

 

“I’m very sorry, Jongdae. But I can’t let you have that solo spot if you’re failing a class.”

Jongdae bows his head.

Mandarin is going to be the death of him.

 

“So where were you anyway?” Yixing takes a sip of his bubble tea. “All of a sudden you were gone.”

Joonmyun shrugs his shoulders. “Family stuff,” he says simply. “Everything seems different now.”

“Well it is different.” Yixing chews on his straw. “I don’t know whether to think that we were never really all that close before or if high school really does change people.”

“I’d like to think we were all friends.” Joonmyun says softly, swirling his boba.

Yixing nods. “It’s just hard for me. The four of us used to dance together. We always let Jongin lead. He likes attention. I just didn’t think he’d steal my dance.” Yixing grits his teeth. “He knows how hard I worked on that routine.”

Joonmyun sighs deeply. “Maybe we were friends but didn’t know each other’s true colors.”

 

A progress report came on Halloween. Jongdae is failing Mandarin with a whopping twenty percent. Jongdae is grounded until kingdom come.

Minseok comes over with an overflowing bag of candy. He shoves chocolates into his mouth and tries to soothe his friend. “I’ll tutor you.” Minseok says, wiping chocolate from the side of his mouth.

Jongdae smiles. “Thanks, Min.” His smile falters. “I’m just worried about it. The music teacher said I couldn’t get any of the solos if I was failing. Knowing my luck, Baekhyun’s going to snatch them all up.”

Minseok makes a face. “When did Baekhyun become such a jackass?”

Jongdae pops a chocolate in his mouth. “I know, right? He doesn’t even talk to Chanyeol anymore.”

“They’ve been inseparable since they were tiny. Closer than Wufan and Joonmyun.”

“And what happened to Wufan? What’s all this ‘ayo wassup I’m Kris’ crap?”

“I heard Luhan say it had something to do with Joonmyun falling off the face of the earth over the summer.”

 

“Luhan, can you help me? Please, this spoken test is going to kill me.” Sehun pleads.

“Of course I’ll help.” Luhan pats the seat beside his.

Sehun opens up his book and slid it over to Luhan. Luhan points to each word, pronouncing each one carefully. Sehun follows along, tongue twisting with some of the words. Sehun groans loudly, mourning his lisp. “Why does Chinese have so many  _ s _ sounds?”

Luhan pats his back. “Let’s try again, Sehun.”


	3. November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 16 March 2013

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoFN_-8FiMw) **Spring Awakening** \- _And Then There Were None_ | _“You start to cave. You start to cry. You try to run. Nowhere to hide. You want to crumble up and close that door.”_

 

 

The weather is starting to get colder. Zitao tries to avoid smoking outside. It’s hard to hold a cigarette with gloves on and frostbitten fingers don’t appeal to him. The  _ wushu _ club captain tells him to quit whenever he happens to go to the bathroom when Zitao smokes. Zitao blows cancerous smog in his captain’s face. Zitao knows he isn’t the only one who lights up in the bathroom, so he doesn’t see how anybody has the right to bitch exclusively at him for the smell.

“Hey! Huang Zitao!”

Zitao is face to face with a very irritated Byun Baekhyun.

“Will you stop smoking here? The stench is so bad. Don’t you know you’re ruining your lungs like that?”

Zitao blows smoke in Baekhyun’s face, making the shorter boy cough. He, like everyone else, has noticed the definite change in Baekhyun’s character. Baekhyun was never super nice, but he wasn’t a jerk either. He and Chanyeol used to be joined at the hip but come high school Chanyeol was dropped like a hot potato. The only person Baekhyun still talked to from the neighborhood was Kyungsoo but that was only to swap Mandarin answers or bash Jongdae.

“Who are you to boss me around?” Zitao says menacingly. “Just because you think you’re hot shit doesn’t mean you are. We’re not cool enough for you anymore, I get that. But you don’t have to be a douche to all of us.”

“Shut up, Tao.”

“Especially Chanyeol. He didn’t do anything to you except push you off the swing when we were seven. Get over it. The kid has too many things going wrong for you to push him away too.”

“Shut up, Tao! You don’t know anything.”

“Maybe not, but I’m not the one prancing around in eyeliner thinking I’m hot shit when I’m not.” Zitao flicks ashes at Baekhyun before grinding out his cigarette. “I’m leaving now. Have fun playing in your fantasy world.”

  
  


Who the hell eats quiche in South Korea?

Kyungsoo never thought he could hate cooking but the home economics teacher has gone off the deep end with this one. Beside him, Yixing is swearing in Chinese at his ingredients. Yup, the teacher has lost his damn mind.

Kyungsoo almost jumps out of his skin when he feels Jongin’s hand run over his butt before reaching for a cup of water beside Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s eyes are as large as dinner plates as he gawks at Jongin. He jumps about ten feet in the air when Jongin squeezes his butt as he walks away. The words “I’m not gay” echo in Kyungsoo’s head.

Who does Jongin think he’s kidding?  

 

Jongdae is going to rip his test paper into atoms.

He sat up with Minseok for an hour reviewing freaking tones and he still can’t get them right. He crumples his paper and stuffs it in his bag with a huff. He hears Sehun ask Baekhyun how the music department’s upcoming concert preparations are going. Sehun asks if the concert has solos like the dance team showcases have solos.

“Well you know the music department has high standards for its performers. You can’t fail a single class if you want a solo piece.” Jongdae really wants to smash Baekhyun’s face into a desk right now.

Instead, Jongdae puts his head down and groans.

 

“Chanyeol, this is crazy. You’ve got two left feet.”

“Gee thanks for the support, Lu. I knew I could count on you.”

Luhan sighs. “I just want you to make informed decisions. Don’t you remember my tenth birthday party when we had a dance game and you almost broke my mother’s vase?”

“That was four years ago, Lu!” Chanyeol scrawls his name on the basketball signup sheet. “We all used to play together in the driveway at Kris’s house.” Chanyeol jabs a finger at Kris’s name, a few lines above his own. “See? Kris signed up too.”

Luhan rolls his eyes. “I think you’re the only person out of the eleven of us who actually caved and calls him Kris.”

“Well he doesn’t respond well when I call him Wufan.” A pause. “Should I sign you up, Lu?”

Luhan glares. “And get crushed by all you giants on the court? No thanks.”

 

The library is deathly quiet, save for the sounds of pencils scratching paper and computer keys being tapped. Joonmyun pokes Yixing with his pencil. Yixing looks up from his book with quizzical eyes. Joonmyun slides a note across the table.

_ Where is Wufan? Isn’t he in this study hall? _

Yixing looks around the library, eyes scanning for the tall boy. He writes back,  _ I don’t see him. He could’ve picked up a class during this period _ .

Joonmyun nods.

Minseok, who has been peering over Joonmyun’s shoulder, quickly writes  _ He was absent today. He wasn’t in science this morning _ .

Joonmyun mouths a thank you and turns back to his homework. He doesn’t know why that makes him feel sad.


	4. December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 23 March 2013

★  _ Love Rain _ |  _ “Perhaps the reason memories of youth are always in watercolor is because it ends before it can be put in more vivid colors.” _

 

 

Yixing’s blood is boiling.

It’s one thing for Jongin to steal his dance to audition for dance team, but it’s another thing to perform it at their first showcase. As he watches Jongin dance he clenches his fists, his nails leaving half-moon imprints on his palms. He feels Sehun’s hand on his shoulder, trying to pull him away from the curtain.

“He’s a thief!” Yixing snarls.

“I know, Xing. But what are you going to do? No one else knows that was your routine.”

Yixing’s eyes are on fire. “I’m going to destroy him.”

 

“Kim Minseok. This is ridiculous.”

Minseok pouts at Zitao. “But Tao! We used to do this all the time when we were kids. Please? It’ll make my mom happy.”

Zitao sighs but sits down at Minseok’s kitchen table and agrees to build a gingerbread house with him.

It never gets built because Minseok eats one of the walls and part of the roof.

 

Unsurprisingly, Baekhyun is selected to sing the solo at the music department’s first concert. Jongdae is green with envy as he sits in his seat listening to Baekhyun sing. Kyungsoo is beside him, looking mildly unimpressed with his friend on the stage.

After the concert Kyungsoo taps Jongdae on the shoulder. Jongdae turns to look at Kyungsoo. “I’ll tutor you in Mandarin.”

“What?”

“I’ll tutor you. Baekhyun hasn’t shut up about that solo since he got it and he probably won’t stop unless someone shuts him up.”

“Why are you helping me? Neither of you likes me.”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I’ve picked the lesser of two evils. Baek’s mouth is too big. And I don’t think I like how he’s been treating Chanyeol. This doesn’t mean I’m letting you become the star. I’m still your competition. I’m just leveling the playing field. At the end of the day I still believe in fairness.”

If that’s true why does Jongdae feel as if he’s making a pact with the devil?

 

While it wasn’t a surprise that Baekhyun’s solo earned him a rise in popularity, it was a surprise when Chanyeol became a basketball star.

Chanyeol had always been tall and he and Wufan were always the ones who liked to play ball in the driveway. The others played too, but Wufan and Chanyeol had a different sort of passion for it. Wufan, with his handsome looks, was already pretty popular. Chanyeol had an awkward aura about him that repelled some, but his skill on the court skyrocketed his popularity.

“How much do you want to bet Baekhyun’s going to go crawling on his knees to be best friends with Chanyeol again?” Luhan whispers to Sehun.

“Loser pays for bubble tea for a month.”

Luhan sticks out his hand. “Deal.”

 

Joonmyun did not mean to drop all of his books down the stairs.

As he stoops, glasses sliding down his nose, he doesn’t notice a tall figure stop to help him. When Joonmyun looks up he’s face to face with Wufan. Joonmyun’s heart jumps in his chest. 

“Here,” Wufan says holding out a book.

“Thanks,” Joonmyun says. They haven’t spoken a word to each other since last June.

Wufan helps Joonmyun gather up his things. When they both stand up, Wufan speaks again. “Where were you over the summer?”

“Dealing with family things,” he answers.

Wufan frowns. “That might be what you tell everyone else, but tell me the truth.”

“It  _ is _ the truth. There was a family emergency and I wasn’t in Seoul for the summer.”

“Joonmyun, I thought you said you’d tell me the truth about everything.”

“Don’t bring up stuff from when we were ten!” Joonmyun raises his voice without realizing. “You haven’t spoken to me in months! You have no right to ask me about anything!”

Wufan raises an eyebrow. “You’re the one who dropped off the planet, not me.”

“I have a cell phone, you know. You could’ve texted me. But no, there was radio silence. I couldn’t text you because I was dealing with stuff.”

“Stuff,” Wufan repeats.

“Yeah, I was dealing with a lot of scary crap. All by myself! So don’t go around asking me for the truth. You’re the last person who deserves to know it.”

“You changed a lot.”

“Speak for yourself,  _ Kris _ .” Joonmyun spits. “The last time I saw you your hair was black and your name was Wufan. I barely recognized you.”

“People change. We both did. What’s so bad about that?”

“Nothing,” Joonmyun huffs. “I just thought that maybe when I came home that something would be normal. But everyone looks different, everyone acts different, and the twelve of us are splintered. We fight with each other. How can so much change over one summer?” Tears start to drip down Joonmyun’s cheeks.

“Joonmyun…”

Joonmyun backs away from Wufan. “I guess it can change a lot.”

And he runs.


	5. January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics 28 March 2013
> 
> Tw: non-graphic implication of sexual assault

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE6RAY9_8mE) **Next to Normal** - _I Am the One_ | _“How could something go wrong that I can’t see? Cause I’m holding on and I won’t let go.”_

  
  


 

December was cold, but January is colder. Kyungsoo bundles himself up in his puffy coat and pulls up his hood lined with fake fur. He wraps a scarf around him to protect his vulnerable face and even wears gloves inside his pockets. Snow covers the sidewalks and he leaves a trail of footprints as he walks to school.

He has physical education first period. The locker room is cold as he silently strips off his school uniform and changes into his gym clothes. He feels eyes raking up and down his exposed body and he knows Jongin is staring at him. Kyungsoo ignores the way his cheeks flush and quickly covers his body again.

They play soccer in gym and Kyungsoo knows Jongin is being way too physical on purpose. Every time Kyungsoo gets the ball, Jongin is on him trying to steal it away, tugging on Kyungsoo’s jersey and pressing their bodies together. Every time they touch, “I’m not gay” resonates in Kyungsoo’s brain. He wants to scream at Jongin. He wants to stand up in the cafeteria and proclaim that one of the school’s most desirable guys was gay for him, Do Kyungsoo. But he won’t because Jongin would flip lids if he tried.

Kyungsoo has a free period after physical education so he stays behind in the locker room to take a shower. Most of the others in his class have a class, so the locker room is empty. Steam fills Kyungsoo’s stall as he washes off his sweat. He notes a bruise forming on his shin where someone kicked him trying to get the ball.

Kyungsoo doesn’t notice someone creeping up behind him until there’s a hand over his mouth and a body pressed against his back. Kyungsoo screams against the hand and struggles to get free. 

“Shh, it’s me.” Jongin whispers in Kyungsoo’s ear.

“What? What are you doing here? Why are creeping up on me when I’m naked?” Kyungsoo turns to glare at his friend, who was also naked.

“I want you, Soo.”

Kyungsoo may not have wanted Jongin, but Jongin wanted him.

And Kim Jongin always gets what he wants.

 

Jongdae gets to the library a little early. So he sets up his Mandarin workbook and lines up his pencils neatly. Today is his first tutoring session with Kyungsoo. Jongdae waits. The time they agreed to meet comes and passes and Jongdae begins to worry he’s been duped. He looks around the empty library warily, half expecting a television crew to pop out and announce that he’s been tricked.

A half an hour later Jongdae is still waiting. He doodles on the tabletop. The door to the library swings open. Jongdae looks up ready to curse out Kyungsoo but it’s only Wufan. Wufan raises an eyebrow at Jongdae, silently asking him why he’s sitting in the library alone.

“Have you seen Kyungsoo?” Jongdae asks.

Wufan stares. “He went home second period. He looked pretty sick. Why? Were you supposed to meet him?”

Jongdae huffs. “It would’ve been nice if he had told me.” He sweeps his things into his bag. “And yes, he’s supposed to be tutoring me.”

“In what?”

“Mandarin.”

“You’re asking a Korean to teach you Mandarin? You know four people who are completely fluent and actually Chinese.”

“Sehun is monopolizing Luhan; I don’t really see Zitao or Yixing, and you…”

“And me?”

“I never see you either. Nobody does. Well, Chanyeol does, but that’s beside the point.”

“None of you have really attempted to speak to me, you know. I’ve been treated like a leper. As far as I know I didn’t develop a disease over the summer. I’ve yet to understand why all of you, with the exception of Chanyeol, are ignoring me.”

It’s Jongdae’s turn to stare. “Have you seen yourself lately? We all changed but you changed the most.”

“Why is change such a bad thing?” Kris demands.

“It’s not. Not all the time, anyway. But seeing you like that is like seeing a different person. What happened to Wufan? Where did Kris come from? I feel like I’m talking to your alter ego, or your evil twin.”

They stare at each other. Jongdae picks up his bag and starts to leave. “I don’t know what brought this on, but it’s your fault that we don’t know who you are anymore.”

 

Byun Baekhyun does not grovel. Byun Baekhyun does not beg. Byun Baekhyun does not eat his pride. Byun Baekhyun typically gets what he wants.

So it’s a big shock when Byun Baekhyun gets rejected.

Luhan’s prediction came true when Baekhyun did indeed suddenly warm back up to Chanyeol. Sehun’s wallet hurt for a month.

The docile Chanyeol was predicted to accept Baekhyun’s olive branch without batting an eyelash. So he surprised everyone when he gently let Baekhyun down.

“Listen Yeol, I’ve been a jerk, haven’t I? I’m sorry.” Baekhyun casts his eyes down humbly.

“You have been a jerk.” Chanyeol reiterates serenely. “You’ve ignored me and treated me like dirt. We’ve been friends since we were born. I can’t believe you dumped me like I was no one to you. It hurt me a lot.”

Baekhyun is shocked. “Yeol…”

“So I figured out that to be happier I have to cut out the people who don’t value me. If I weed out those who aren’t true friends I won’t get hurt so much.” Chanyeol smiles softly. “I still treasure the memories I have of you, but you hurt me a lot Baek. So I can’t accept your apology right now. You told me I meant nothing to you. So you can’t mean anything to me.” Chanyeol dips his head a little in apology. “Sorry, but we shouldn’t be friends right now. Maybe in the future I can open myself up to you again, but not now.”

Byun Baekhyun is left speechless.

 

News of Baekhyun’s epic rejection spread around the school like wildfire. Chanyeol’s popularity takes another huge leap because he is “the one to stand up to the bitchy eyeliner queen.”

“It’s about time Chanyeol grew a pair,” Zitao muses.

“Be nice, Tao. I’m sure Baek’s hurting a lot.” Luhan scolds.

“His  _ pride _ is hurting a lot.” Zitao corrects, lighting a cigarette.

“Whatever. It’s still sad that they’re not speaking anymore.” Luhan sighs.

“Tao! Do you have to smoke in here? Can’t you even take a piss without lighting up?” Yixing snaps in Chinese. “It smells bad in here!”

“I’m covering up the smell of the crap.” Zitao chuckles, puffing smoke into the air. “It’s a bathroom, not a flower garden.”

Yixing grumbles as he steps into a stall.

“I heard from Sehun that you’re plotting the destruction of Kim Jongin.” Luhan says.

“Yup. I’m going to ruin him.”

“How are you going to pull that off, Xing-Xing?”

The stall opens again. “That, my friends, is a secret.”

 

“What happened to Kyungsoo? I saw him going to the office looking terrible. Wasn’t he fine this morning?” Minseok whispers to Sehun.

“Yeah, he was playing soccer with the rest of us. He has a free right after so he stayed behind. Next thing I heard he was going home.” Sehun replies.

“I saw him. He looked like he was having trouble walking. His face was all blotchy and he was teary-eyed. I think he had a stomach bug; it’s going around.”

Sehun makes a face. “Ugh that sounds bad. I hope he feels better.”

Minseok nods. “I heard from Yixing that Jongin skipped dance practice.”

“Yup. Coach was pissed. He was going on about how just because Jongin got that solo he thinks he owns the dance team.” Sehun shakes his head. “Yixing was pretty happy that he didn’t have to deal with Jong today.”

“Well everyone needs a Kim Jongin-free day once in a while…”

 

“Hey! Kim Joonmyun, I want to talk to you.”

“I’m sorry but I have something to do right now.”

Wufan catches Joonmyun by the arm. With Wufan’s superior strength the odds of escape are minimal. Joonmyun looks up at Wufan. “Yes?”

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

Joonmyun tries pulling away. “I have something to do now, so if you don’t mind…”

“I do mind.” Wufan snaps. “Tell me something, am I really like a different person?”

“Why do you care?”

“I talked to Jongdae today. He told me looking at me now is like looking at a different person. Is it true? Is he right?”

“You’ve always thought Jongdae was an idiot. Why do you care what he thinks?”

“Answer my question.”

Joonmyun sighs. “Wufan, I seriously have somewhere to be.” He pulls away successfully from Wufan. “I told you before. I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know if I ever knew who you were."

Joonmyun tries to ignore the hurt look on Wufan’s face as he walks away.


	6. February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics 2 April 2013
> 
> Cw: discussion of sexual assault

★  _ Love Rain  _ |  _ “On that day, someone was a coward. Someone was honest. Someone’s heart fluttered. And it was a very painful youth for all of us.” _

 

 

Kris comes home to an empty house more often that he’d like. Most people would call him lucky to have parents who have such good jobs and make so much money. But Kris really just wants the kind of family he had when he was a kid.

Both of his parents work in office jobs. His father was currently on a two month business trip to Vancouver, cutting deals in the North American market. His mother was constantly jetting between Korea and Guangzhou serving as a translator and market analyst for her firm. If Kris was lucky all three of them would be home maybe four days out of the month.

Kris has gotten used to making his own meals and taking care of the house on his own. He was slowly getting used to being lonely. When they were all younger the twelve of them played together, tripping on the same cracked sidewalks, chasing each other through the same sprinklers, and racing down the same alleyways. The summer before high school hit him hard. His father got his first promotion and he spent a week with him in Vancouver for a business trip, prompting his change in image. Even though he was from a city, Kris had felt like a wayward country bumpkin. So he pierced his ears, dyed his hair, and changed his name.

The day before he left, Kris had gone to Joonmyun’s house to find it empty. He’d brushed it aside as nothing but when he returned the house was still empty. The months passed and Kris saw no signs of Joonmyun. Kris was afraid that Joonmyun’s family had moved but that was impossible. If that were true everyone would know. And sure enough, Joonmyun returned in the middle of August. Yet the normally social boy didn’t leave his house. By that time Joonmyun had been likened to a ghost of the past. The damage done to the bonds that tied the twelve of them together was seemingly permanent.

Joonmyun was always the one who reached out to others. He was always the one willing to mediate some petty dispute. He was always the one there to help with homework. Joonmyun was always  _ there _ . Kris felt Joonmyun’s absence.

And Kris misses Joonmyun.

 

Valentine’s Day has never been a holiday Chanyeol has widely enjoyed. Yeah, the chocolate is nice but the day itself is… unimpressive.

Chanyeol used to celebrate with Baekhyun. It was a tradition built during their friendship. In class there would be a party. Cards and candies would be passed around. After school Baekhyun and Chanyeol would sit in the Parks’ kitchen and swap sweets. Chanyeol tended to trade his chocolates for Baekhyun’s hard candies and sugar sticks. It wasn’t much of a tradition but it was theirs.

This year Chanyeol has no Baekhyun to celebrate with. A few months ago he would’ve been depressed beyond belief but now he feels better. A few red-faced girls even give him homemade chocolates and stutter their admirations. He sees people go to Baekhyun and shower him with presents too.

Chanyeol smiles and hopes Baekhyun is happy.

 

“Oh Sehun, I am going to thrash you.”

“It’s fucking  _ Valentine’s Day _ and he can’t get his shit together…”

“Look, someone’s going to think you’re taking an enormous shit if you stay in there any longer. You’ll go from ‘that cute freshman with the lisp’ to ‘that constipated freshman with the lisp.’ Would you like that, Oh Sehun?” Jongdae singsongs.

“Shut up!” Sehun whines from behind the stall door.

Minseok pounds his fist against the door. “I was serious about thrashing you!”

“Sehun, Luhan is not a bear. He’s not going to go apeshit if you confess to him.” Zitao adds. “It’s high time you stopped staring at him like a lovesick puppy. Grow a pair and tell him.”

“I swear I’m going to go into the cafeteria and sing a song about your chronic constipation if you don’t get out right now.” Jongdae threatens.

The door swings open. “You guys are the worst.” Sehun whines. “You’re my friends. You’re supposed to be supportive.”

“And we are, Sehunnie. Usually. There comes a time in every man’s life when, as Tao said, he needs to grow a pair.” Minseok says cheerfully.

“I’m not constipated!” Sehun snaps at Jogndae before shuffling out of the stall.

What started as Sehun’s meek request for help from Minseok turned into a minor catastrophe as Zitao and Jongdae were in spitting distance when Sehun whispered his love for a certain doe-eyed Chinese. Jongdae, completely overenthusiastically, offered to pen a love song for Sehun to serenade Luhan with. Zitao offered his  _ wushu _ stick if Luhan rejected Sehun. Minseok offered some chocolates, in celebration and/or in heartbreak. After seeing Luhan nearly using a shopping cart to carry all of his gifts and proposals, Sehun locked himself in a stall – confidence lost

Sehun’s normally expressionless face was bright red and he was making irritated faces. “I can’t believe you guys,” he whines. “I ask for a little advice and it turns into this.” 

“It’s your fault because you’re a wimp.” Jongdae says cheerfully.

“I’m going to kill you.”

“Oh Sehun, you’re going to go confess to that boy. And if it goes well you’ll have the three of us to celebrate with. And if it goes wrong Zitao will have Luhan in a coma, you’ll be stuffed with comfort food, and Jongdae will make you laugh with his terrible English singing.”

“Hey! You said I sounded good!”

“Yes, but only after you finish saying ‘gull, I can’t exprain water feer.’”

And with that Sehun is literally kicked out of the bathroom. So much for friendship.

 

Zhang Yixing could not have asked for a more perfect way to destroy Jongin.

He discovers his pot of gold unintentionally. He’s going down the stairs, dragging his feet, clicking through his songs on his iPod. He has a study hall and the teacher is always half asleep behind a newspaper so no one would notice if he walked in late.

When he hears people talking in the stairwell he doesn’t think much of it until he actually looks and sees Jongin cornering Kyungsoo. Yixing hides himself on the landing above, turning off his music so he can eavesdrop. He’d heard about the little change in dynamics between the two from Luhan. Luhan said they didn’t seem to talk much anymore. Yixing had seen Kyungsoo tense up beside him every time Jongin walked by in home economics. He never bothered to think about why it had happened. Everyone was changing and they weren’t an exception.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” Jongin asks darkly.

“You know why!” Kyungsoo responds, his voice cracking.

“I didn’t mean to do that. I told you I was sorry.”

“Yeah, four days after you left me alone and bleeding in the locker room!”

“I apologized, didn’t I? God, Kyungsoo, you’re such a baby.”

“I’m sorry. Is there a more appropriate way to react when you’re best friend rapes you in the shower?”

Yixing’s eyes bulge out of his skull.

“Lower your voice! Holy shit, Soo, I didn’t do that!”

“Then what do you call it, Jong? I told you no. I begged you to stop.”

“You wanted me! Don’t play victim now.”

“Who’s playing, Mr. I’m-not-gay?”

“But I’m not gay.”

“You fucked a man, Jongin. You violated me. Are you trying to prove how macho you are by forcing yourself on me? It’s not working.”

“Shut up.”

“Why? I don’t have anything to hide. You’re the one who’s so far in the closet you hang out with the White Witch in Narnia.” 

“Shut up, Kyungsoo.”

“Or what?”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Kyungsoo.”

At that moment Yixing’s cell phone goes off, a loud pop song blaring from it. “Hello?” Yixing says quickly, appearing at the top of the stairs, acting as if he were just walking by. He nods a little as he passes Jongin and Kyungsoo, who both look guilty as sin. As Yixing rounds the corner he smirks to himself.

He couldn’t have asked for a more perfect way to destroy Kim Jongin.  

 

“How popular are you? These people bought out the grocery store for you.” Joonmyun says, picking through the assorted chocolates, candies, and stuffed animals that have been bestowed upon Luhan.

“It’s flattering.” Luhan says.

“No one gave me anything.” Joonmyun says.

Luhan frowns. “Really?”

“Is that so shocking to you? It isn’t shocking to me.”

“You don’t smile enough. If girls saw your smile they’d abandon me and chase you.”

“You don’t need to try to make me feel better. It doesn’t bother me.”

Luhan is about to say something else when he feels someone tap him on the shoulder. Sehun is standing there, looking embarrassed.

Joonmyun glances at Sehun, smiles at him, and says to Luhan, “I have to get home. I’ll see you around.”

“See you,” Luhan calls. He turns to Sehun. “Yes?”

Sehun takes a deep breath. “Umireallyreallylikeyouihaveforawhilenowandohgodi’msoembarrassedbutpleasetakethis”

Luhan blinks as Sehun holds out a little box of chocolates. They’re the kind that Luhan likes the most. He smiles. Sehun is staring at his sneakers, cheeks painted red. Luhan reaches out to him and pulls him into his arms. Sehun squeaks in surprise.

“Thank you.” Luhan murmurs into Sehun’s ear. “I like you too.”

He kisses Sehun’s cheek and Sehun smiles wide.


	7. March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 7 April 2013
> 
> Tw: graphic description of self harm

⎘ Earl Wilson |  _ “Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.” _

 

 

The weather begins to warm up. Spring hasn’t come just yet and winter lingers in the air, but it isn’t bitterly cold anymore. Zitao takes up smoking outside again, much to the relief of anyone who uses the second floor boys’ bathroom. Minseok still hasn’t deemed it to be spring yet so he continues stuffing himself. Baekhyun snaps up another solo much to Jongdae’s dismay. Jongdae still hasn’t brought up his Mandarin grade and is still grounded for that matter. Sehun and Luhan are a couple and they make everyone gag with their obnoxiously cute couple things. Jongin still continuously harasses Kyungsoo and still denies he is anything but completely heterosexual. Kyungsoo begins to withdraw into himself. Yixing plots the destruction of Kim Jongin. Chanyeol signs up to play baseball. Kris signs up to play baseball too. He still isn’t talking to anyone. Joonmyun just wants the year to be over already.

 

It starts with a whisper.

“Where did you hear that?”

“From a friend. That just sucks. I can’t believe Jongin is  _ gay _ . That’s so unfair.”

Yixing stands back and smiles smugly as his rumor spreads.

The destruction of Kim Jongin has begun.

 

“Who the hell did you tell?”

Kyungsoo backs away from a very angry Jongin. He’s shaking with rage.

“Yah, Do Kyungsoo! I asked you a question!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t play stupid. You told someone!”

“Jongin, I swear I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me! You went and ran your mouth to someone. You told someone I was gay!”

“One, you are. And two, I did not.”

“I’m not gay! And you’re the only one who thinks that. Who else could’ve started that rumor?”

“Jongin, I don’t know. I wouldn’t do that.”

Jongin glares. “If you know who did this, tell me. I’m going to kill him.”

 

Chanyeol gets picked to carry all of the baseball equipment to the field. He doesn’t mind. The bags aren’t that heavy and the weather is nice outside. The snow from February has melted, leaving the newly budding grass soft and dewy.

He trots down to the field, lost in his own thoughts. He doesn’t notice Kris fall into step beside him until the slightly taller male says his name.

“Hey, Chanyeol. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What happened to all of us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything changed. Why? What was it about last summer that made everything different?”

Chanyeol scratches his head. “I don’t know. It feels like we just fell apart.”

Kris sighs. “I’ve been trying to figure it out for months. We all used to be so close. Now I feel like I need a chart to keep track of who’s fighting with whom and who’s still friends with who.” He sighs again. “How did it all get so complicated?”

Chanyeol shrugs. “I don’t know. I still don’t know why Baekhyun stopped talking to me in September. I know why he started talking to me again, but I wasn’t cut up about it by then.”

“That must’ve been hard for you. You and he were so close.”

“Since we were babies. The Byuns reached out to my mom right after my dad died. Suddenly she was a single mother with a four month old and no job. The Byuns babysat me for free and I grew up with Baekhyun as a brother. My mom got back on her feet. She’s always been so grateful to them for helping her out.” Chanyeol smiles a little. “People ask me once in a while if I hate him but I don’t. I don’t think I could. He’s probably going through something. He’ll figure it out. He usually does.”

 

“Glutton.”

“Hush, Tao. It still isn’t officially spring.”

“How can you eat that?” Zitao points at the assorted snacks Minseok is tearing into.

“It’s delicious, Tao. Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.”

Zitao rolls his eyes and takes out a cigarette. “I swear being around you makes me need to smoke… You give me stress, friend.”

 

“Do you know who spread that rumor about Jongin?” Luhan asks Sehun.

“I have a suspicion. I’m not sure if I’m right, though.” Sehun replies.

“Tell me.” Luhan scoots closer to his boyfriend. “I’ll buy you bubble tea. Tell me.”

Sehun lowers his voice. “I heard it was Yixing.”

Luhan’s eyes widen. “Yixing?”

Sehun nods. “You know how he’s been going on and on about Jongin stealing his dance. He keeps talking about ‘destroying’ Jongin. I think he did it.”

“But Xing is always so nice to people… I didn’t think he’d be that malicious.”

Sehun shrugs. “I think we’ve all learned that we don’t know people as well as we thought we did. But do you think it’s true? Jongin doesn’t scream ‘gay’ to me, you know?”

Luhan shrugs. “Well you don’t either… but you are.”

“Yeah, but Jong’s so macho. Once you get over the fact he does ballet. And even if he is, how did Xing figure it out?”

“What if he’s just making it up?"

“Well… he’d better hope no one figures out he started it. Jong will be out for Xing’s blood.”

 

Jongdae signs up for the musical in hopes that it will be the one place where he can sing by himself without his shitty Mandarin grade ruining his life. Too bad Baekhyun, the damn attention whore, signs up too. Jongdae glares daggers at Baekhyun who just smirks back at him. Jongdae is 101% positive that Baekhyun exists merely to steal Jongdae’s spotlight.

“Do you have a problem with me?” Jongdae finally snaps after the audition.

Baekhyun doesn’t bat an eye. “What makes you think that?” he drawls.

“All year you’ve been trying to crush me. You think you’re the star of the music department. You should be lucky that my grade is letting you act like a king. The teacher prefers me. Even your dear buddy Kyungsoo thinks I’m better than you.” Jongdae growls.

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Kyungsoo is a nice guy. He’s probably soothing your hurt pride. I’m not jealous of you. There’s nothing to be jealous of. You are clearly jealous of me.”

“Who would be jealous of you? You think everyone loves you? Newsflash, no one likes you. Did you know Chanyeol has a fan club because he told you to shove it? You’re an arrogant bastard and everyone is waiting for you to trip so we can all laugh as you fall.”

Baekhyun glares at Jogndae. “Shut up. You don’t know anything.”

“Let me ask you something, Byun Baekhyun. Why’d you kick Chanyeol to the curb? He didn’t fit into your cool kid image? You ditched him because he makes you look like a woodland creature? You dumped him because he isn’t rich like you? Or maybe you like him as more than a friend and you…”

Baekhyun’s slap rings out in the empty hallway. His face is red. “I said shut up! You don’t know anything about me, Kim Jongdae! Don’t you bring Chanyeol into this! He has nothing to do with you or me!” His chest heaves up and down as he gulps for air. “I regret giving up Chanyeol every single day. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He won’t take me back and I don’t deserve him. Don’t ever talk to me about Park Chanyeol again!”

Jongdae touches his cheek gingerly. An angry red welt is left in Baekhyun’s wake. “You still didn’t tell me why, Byun Baekhyun.”

“That is none of your business. Now get out of my way before I punch you.”

 

The only bad thing about spring is that soon Joonmyun will have to stop wearing sweaters. He feels safe wrapped up in heavy fabrics. He can disappear beneath the interlocking threads. He pushes up his sleeves when he washes his hands. He looks down and frowns at the white lines marring his flesh.

He did it during the summer. After his mom found out his dad was cheating, she packed up and took Joonmyun to her mother’s home in the country. Joonmyun often stayed outside by himself, feeling isolated. He didn’t have the heart to contact any of his friends and explain his situation to them. He was ashamed of what had happened. He didn’t have anyone to talk to about his own feelings so he kept them bottled up. Everyone once in a while it would hurt too much and he would cut himself. The pain kept him from dwelling on his thoughts. Joonmyun wanted to think it never got out of control, but memories of too much red blood spilling out on green grass haunt him.

He quickly pulls down his sleeves and dries off his hands. All summer he prayed that when he returned to Seoul that something  _ anything _ would be the way he left it. Instead all Joonmyun found was change.


	8. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 14 April 2013

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QN8EBtNtVQ) **J. Lewis** \- _Eternally Lost_ | _“All I do is waste my time. I’m stuck between your world and mine. I’m eternally lost; lost and all alone.”_

 

 

Byun Baekhyun does not take humiliation well.

Jongdae teased a very sensitive nerve and Baekhyun is still fuming from the encounter. He knows Jongdae takes it as a victory and Baekhyun for once bites his tongue around the other. Worse still, Jongdae is passing Mandarin the first time all year (with Kyungsoo’s half-assed help and with a 59.5 but it’s still passing…) and Baekhyun finally has to really compete for a solo spot. The whole ordeal makes his skin crawl.

Why did he drop Chanyeol? Baekhyun is so ashamed of his faulty reasoning he doesn’t even want to remember why he did it. Baekhyun does not like to admit he is wrong. The first day of school, Baekhyun was determined to be popular. Originally, Chanyeol was part of his grand scheme. But then he heard upperclassmen whispering about Chanyeol. The poor kid, lanky and awkward and, well,  _ weird _ , was a wounded zebra struggling along in the herd. Chanyeol was an easy target. And Baekhyun panicked. In a whirl of exaggerated hubris, Baekhyun immediately ditched his childhood friend. The guilt pricked his skin, but Baekhyun’s plan had worked. People noticed him. People liked him.

When Chanyeol became the school’s basketball star, Baekhyun tried to make peace with Chanyeol. Chanyeol was now safe to be friendly with. Baekhyun cried with relief at the thought of having his best friend back. But then Chanyeol ruined his plans and rejected him. Baekhyun cried again, knowing full well he had no one to blame but himself.

Baekhyun really misses his best friend.

 

Jongin feels itchy.

He may love the limelight but he doesn’t really appreciate being stared at. Normally, his good looks earn him a few looks now and again. But he knows why he’s being stared at and he despises it. Someone started a rumor that he was gay and now everyone looks at him funny. When he finds the person who did it he’s going to beat him into a pulp.

He isn’t gay. He’s just confused. He’s argued this point with Kyungsoo so many times. Kyungsoo just scoffs. “You’re just afraid, Jongin. You know how you feel. You just don’t want to admit it.”

Kyungsoo used to push him like that, called Jongin out on his sheer cowardice.

“Don’t push me, Soo.” Jongin warned. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

But now Kyungsoo can barely look at him.  

 

Sehun is not a worrywart by nature. But Kyungsoo has not been acting like himself. The other boy is quiet and he jumps at the slightest thing. It isn’t like him, and Sehun worries.

“Kyungsoo, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sehun frowns. Kyungsoo is never so vague. Kyungsoo always has an answer. “I don’t know. You just seem a bit off lately.”

“It’s just stress, Sehun. Nothing to worry about.”

“If you ever need to talk about anything, you can come to me. You can also talk to Luhan; he’s really good at listening.”

Kyungsoo just fakes a smile. He doesn’t intend to take Sehun up on the offer. Ever.

 

Yixing’s face is completely expressionless. Luhan stares across the table. Yixing is so blatantly void of remorse it’s scary. Luhan clears his throat.

“Xing, you didn’t actually do that.”

“What if I did?”      

“You’re going to die.”

“Only if he finds out.”

“Does anyone suspect?”

“You do, clearly. And I bet you told Sehun. So there are two people.”

“I didn’t know you were so sadistic.”

“A rumor is simply a lie based on a fact.”

Luhan looks sick. Yixing laughs.

 

According to the calendar, spring has sprung.

According to Kim Minseok it isn’t warm enough to exercise.

Zitao saw this coming.

“Lethargic glutton. Insincere, lethargic glutton.”

“Those big words don’t hurt me, Tao.”

Zitao lights his fifth cigarette of the hour.

 

“Yeol.” A pause. “Chanyeol.”

“Yes?”

“Who is that talking to Joonmyun?”

Chanyeol looks in the direction Kris nods at. The two see a very muscular upperclassman talking to Joonmyun. Chanyeol vaguely recognizes him, though not enough to know his name. “I think he’s a junior. Captain of the track squad. I think he helps out with the paper too. I wonder what he wants from Joonmyun…”

Kris grits his teeth. Logically, the swells of jealousy in his chest are completely misplaced and inappropriate. He and Joonmyun haven’t been able to hold a pleasant conversation in months. They can barely be on the same side of a classroom. Despite this, Kris feels irrationally envious seeing Joonmyun converse so comfortably with someone else.

Chanyeol looks at Kris, who is glaring daggers at the upperclassman. “I bet he’s asking Joonmyun to help out with the paper. No ulterior motives there.”

“Guess not.” Kris says flatly, continuing to glare.

Kris lets Chanyeol drag him away and to baseball practice. Kris pretends the baseballs he hits are the face of that upperclassman. Each sickening crack of the bat soothes his burning jealousy.

 

“Joonmyun, who was that hot guy talking to you?” Minseok’s eyes sparkle with curiosity.

Joonmyun blushes. “Um, he’s a junior. He saw me taking pictures and asked if I could help out with the newspaper. Their photographer quit recently.”

“With those muscles he isn’t just writing articles. What’s his name?”

“His name is Dongjun. He’s on the track team.”  

“Ooh a runner. I bet he has some sexy leg muscles to go with those bulky arms.”

“Minseok!”

“What? I’m just saying it like it is. You should go flirt with him.”

“I will do no such thing.”

“Why not? He’s sexy as hell. And clearly interested in you. I don’t know why considering no one in this school has ever seen you smile, or what you look like underneath these ugly sweaters… but that’s beside the point.”

“My sweaters are not ugly.” Joonmyun huffs. “I barely know him! You barely know him. He could be some kind of pervert!”

“Oh quit being a prude.”

“How am I being a prude?”

Minseok rolls his eyes and grabs Joonmyun’s hand. “Where are Jongdae and Tao?” Minseok pats Joonmyun’s head. “We have to tell them about this development.”


	9. May (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 20 April 2013
> 
> Cw: eating disorder, sexual content

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHbqQnGcH9A) **Next to Normal** \- _Wish I Were Here_ | _“It slips my skin and trips my brain. I feel the burn but I don’t feel the pain.”_

 

 

As spring warms and sheds all evidence of winter, Minseok finally decides to work out. Joonmyun suspects Minseok’s reason for joining track was to snoop around Dongjun. Minseok argues he joined to spend more time with Tao, who was also on the squad. Tao is proud of his friend for finally doing something for himself.

It all seems good. Except Minseok has stopped eating.

 

As the musical rolls around, tensions run high. Baekhyun and Jongdae try, but ultimately fail, to ignore each other. They’re playing minor parts since they’re freshman, but their characters just so happen to be best friends. Best friends who sing together and hug each other a lot. The proximity is starting to wear on both of them.

“Get your fucking paws off of me…”

“One of these days I’m going to pop you in the throat…”

“I would kick you in the balls, but you don’t have any…”

“You want to get slapped again…”

“I’m not scared of you…”

“Complete fucking lunatic…”

“Watch out, Eyeliner Queen over here is throwing a temper tantrum…”

“Kim Jongdae, I will murder you…”

“Ooh I’m terrified, save me from the Eyeliner Princess…”

“I am going to stab you in the vas deferens…”

“That’s not physically possible, genius. And you call me stupid…”

Baekhyun is about to retort when one of the upperclassmen yells, “Can you two quit fighting like a couple of bitches? Jesus fucking Christ this is why I hate you freshmen…”

Baekhyun locks his jaw and stomps away from Jongdae. He isn’t sure how they’re going to get through their scenes together.

 

“Did you really make an itinerary?”

Luhan nods. “Yup. Since our friends are in so many different activities I figured I better write them down to keep track of who’s doing what and when. See? Here I wrote down the date for Tao and Min’s first track meet. And at the end of the month we have to go see Baek and Jongdae in the musical. Then at the beginning of next month there’s another dance recital. I can’t wait to see my Sehunnie dancing with Xing and Jongin. And the next week you get to see me singing in the concert with Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Jongdae. Then Chanyeol and Wufan have a baseball game two days later.”

“And you’ll be dragging Joonmyun everywhere because he’s the only one not doing anything.”

Luhan sighs. “It’s so unlike him. He’s usually so involved.”

“Well Minseok keeps talking about that guy who convinced Joon to join the paper. So he’ll be around taking pictures.” Sehun says.

“Have you seen him? Minseok was very impressed.”

“He’s a jock.” Sehun deadpans. “I prefer you.”

Luhan blushes and throws his arms around his boyfriend. “Sehunnie! You’re so sweet!”

“Get a room!” Jongdae shouts as he passes by.

 

“Is something wrong? You’re not eating lunch?” Zitao raises an eyebrow.

“Not hungry.” Minseok replies.

“Not hungry? Who are you and what have you done with Kim Minseok?”

Minseok smiles at Zitao. “I’m heading up to the library. I need to finish some homework.”

Minseok hasn’t eaten lunch in four days. 

  
  


Kyungsoo should not have listened.

“I heard him say it.”

“Xing, I find it really hard to believe that.”

“I’m not lying. I was in the stairwell above them. I heard everything.”

Kyungsoo thinks he’s going to vomit.

“Yixing, don’t say anything more. It’s bad enough you spread that rumor. Don’t make it worse. There’s no need for this.”

“No, Lu. Payback’s a bitch. I’m going to make Jongin pay.”

“Xing, you’re taking this too far. You’re going to regret this.”

Kyungsoo finds himself standing in front of Jongin.

“Who started it?” he demands.

“Zhang Yixing.”

 

Chanyeol has big ears. Literally and figuratively. They stick out like elf ears and they hear a lot around the school. Chanyeol hopes he’s hearing things in the bathroom, because it sounds like Minseok is throwing up.

“Minseok? You okay? Do you need to go to the nurse?” Chanyeol calls into the stall, concern coloring his deep voice.

Minseok coughs. “N-no. I’m alright, Chanyeol. I think I just ate something bad.”

Chanyeol frowns. The kid has an iron stomach. He even ate a live octopus once. The tentacles were still wiggling around when Minseok swallowed it but he didn’t get sick. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m fine, Chanyeol.”

“Okay. But if you get sick again go to the nurse.” Chanyeol leaves the bathroom.

Minseok wipes his mouth and glares down at the cold porcelain bowl. The vomit pooling in the clear water is a reminder of his shortcomings. Minseok tried to cut out sweets, but it’s like quitting an addiction. He craves them constantly so he finally gave in and ate a cookie. Just one cookie, but it was enough to make him panic and throw it back up.

Minseok flushes and hopes he doesn’t have to do this again.

 

Kris is in a really, really bad mood. The weather is, by most standards, beautiful. But it isn’t all that beautiful when you have to run around and train in bright sunlight and hot air. Kris trudges into the locker room and peels off his sweat soaked training top. He runs a hand through his damp hair and sighs deeply. A shower and a long nap are the only things on Kris’s mind. Until he hears moaning coming from the section of lockers a few feet away from his. He rolls his eyes and pads over to where the noise is to tell off whoever thought it would be smart to sneak a girl into the boys’ locker room. It’s a locker room… it’s fucking unsanitary. Who’d want to make out here?

When Kris rounds the corner, ready to bitch out the couple, he’s shocked. The upperclassman he saw talking to Joonmyun has the younger boy pressed against the locker. One of the elder’s hands is rubbing Joonmyun’s hip, the other is down the front of Joonmyun’s pants. Joonmyun’s face is bright red; his breaths come out shallow and the other boy’s name is falling from his lips.

“Dongjun…” Joonmyun whines, his breath hitching. “Dongjun…”

Dongjun smiles at the younger boy. “Do you like this, Joonmyun?”

Joonmyun moans in response.

Kris is seeing red. He wants nothing more than to go over there and thrash the older boy and tell him to keep his filthy hands off of Joonmyun, but he can’t. He knows that the sound of Joonmyun’s moans are going to be stuck in his head. He wishes he was the one touching Joonmyun. He retreats back to his own locker, hastily tries to escape.

“Dongjun!  _ Ahh _ !  _ Ah _ ! ” Joonmyun’s voice is an octave higher than it naturally is.

“What, baby?”

“You said you wouldn’t…  _ mph! _ ”

Kris squeezes his eyes shut as he hears them kissing wetly just behind him.

“You’re so pretty, Joonmyun.” Kris hears Dongjun whisper. “And you’re all mine.”

Kris pulls himself away and sneaks out of the locker room. He can’t take anymore of this.

 

Joonmyun is trying very hard to avoid eye contact with everyone. He feels as if everyone can tell what he just did. He feels dirty, but not in a violated way. Joonmyun had attempted to get closer to Dongjun slowly, but things escalated more quickly than he’d expected. He feels tingly and a little giddy. He smiles a tiny bit.

Joonmyun bumps into someone. “I’m sorry!” He freezes when he sees he’s bumped into Wufan. The taller boy gives him a strange look before brushing past him. Joonmyun’s stomach drops. He feels as if Wufan can see through him. He can’t shake Wufan’s pained expression.

Joonmyun rushes to his next class and hides behind his textbook. He ignores his friends questioning his whereabouts during his free period.


	10. May (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 28 April 2013 
> 
> Cw: eating disorder, discussions of sexual assault and self-harm, sexual content

★ _ Boys Over Flowers _ |  _ “There are things we have to go through in order to become stronger and to find our true selves.” _

 

 

Minseok feels dizzy. Every time he blinks the world spins beneath his feet. He stumbles towards the bench, unable to shake the unsteadiness. He puts his head between his knees and squeezes his eyes shut.  _ Take deep breaths _ , he tells himself.  _ Breathe in, breathe out _ . His stomach growls obnoxiously, reminding him that he hasn’t eaten anything in far too long. He gulps from his water bottle, hoping it will take the edge off of his dizziness.

Dongjun calls all of the runners to him to give his pre-meet talk. Minseok can barely focus on the captain’s words. All he wants to do is sit down again. The meet starts. Minseok is the third runner. Minseok wants to throw up. He sways where he stands. He hears the runner behind him coming, so he starts to jog. “Stick!” Minseok reaches behind him to take the baton. He starts to run harder. Oxygen burns his lungs. His legs protest. Fireworks go off behind his eyes.

Two more steps and Minseok collapses on the track.

 

Jongin storms into the cafeteria. His eyes sweep through the room, trying to single out a certain Chinese brunette. When he sees the target, Jongin starts walking towards him. “Hey, Zhang Yixing!”

As Yixing turns, Jongin punches him in the face.

The cafeteria goes silent as Yixing hits the floor, clutching his jaw.

Some senior yells, “Fight!” and the room is in an uproar. Yixing gets up and throws a punch at his assailant. Blows are exchanged, shirts and hair are pulled; kicks are aimed low. Jongin throws Yixing into the wall. Yixing shoves Jongin onto the floor. The two continue to wrestle until Kris and Chanyeol literally pull them apart. Sehun, Luhan, and Kyungsoo hover at the edge of the crowd.

“Yixing! Calm down!” Kris snaps in Chinese. Yixing struggles against Kris’s strong arms. “Xing! Cut it out!”

“Jongin, stop acting crazy! Why’d you hit Yixing? What’s going on?” Chanyeol asks Jongin as he tries to keep his friend from charging Yixing.

Jongin breaks away and glares at Yixing, who is still being restrained by Kris. “You spread that rumor about me, you jealous son of a bitch.”

“But it’s true, isn’t in Jongin?” Yixing shoots back. 

“I’m not the one spewing lies all over the school.”

“And I’m not the one attacking my best friend.”

“Shut your mouth!”

“Why should I?” Yixing demands. “You’re really fucked up.”

Luhan grabs Kyungsoo’s hand. “Someone should stop them.”

“You’re the fucked up one. It’s none of your business.” Jongin snarls.

“You’re a thief. You stole my dance routine to look good for dance team. You performed it at the showcase when you knew full well how much effort I put into it.” Yixing snaps.

“You got proof? Who’s to say I didn’t choreograph that by myself?”

“But I’m not the only one you stole from, right?” Yixing licks his lips, goes in for the kill. “You stole Kyungsoo’s virginity. You know, when you raped him.”

The cafeteria is plunged into silence again. Kyungsoo buries his face in Luhan’s shoulder. He wants to melt into the floor. His body is screaming:  _ run away, run away, escape _ , but he’s rooted to the floor. He whimpers, trying to hold in his tears. Humiliation is burning his skin. Sehun pets Kyungsoo’s hair, not knowing how else to help. Jongin and Yixing glare at each other; both are tensed to strike. Kris tightens his hold on Yixing. Chanyeol grabs Jongin’s arm.

“Kim Jongin! Zhang Yixing! Kris Wu! Park Chanyeol! Do Kyungsoo! I want all of you in my office right now!” The principal’s voice cuts through the silence.

 

Minseok stirs in the hospital. He blinks up at the sterile white lights. He doesn’t really remember what happened to him. He looks at his arm; an IV is stuck into his vein. He blinks and looks around. Zitao sits beside him, looking gaunt. “Tao,” Minseok rasps. “Tao, what happened?"

“You fainted during the meet.” Zitao mumbles.

“Oh, really? I don’t remember very well.”

“God dammit, Minseok!” Zitao jumps up from his chair. “What the hell happened? They said you weren’t eating… what’s with that? Does this have to do with wanting to lose weight? Fuck, Minseok, you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with you! Who told you that you were fat? Who made you think that? I’m going to go  _ wushu _ his ass. Kim Minseok, never scare me like that again!”

Minseok starts to cry. “I’m sorry, Tao. It was all me. I don’t know why… I’m sorry.”

“Ugh, don’t cry.” Zitao wraps his arms around Minseok. “Seriously, I’m going to beat you up when you feel better. You’re trying to give me anxiety problems, motherfucker.” Zitao sighs. “Don’t do this anymore.”

Minseok nods, wiping his nose on Zitao’s shoulder.

Gentler, Zitao repeats, “Please don’t scare me like that again.”

 

“Look, Baekhyun, let’s make a truce, okay? My best friend is in the hospital, I don’t want to fight with you today.” Jongdae rubs his temples.

Baekhyun nods. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s going to be fine. I was just freaked.”

“Did you hear about Yixing and Jongin?” Baekhyun asks.

“Yeah, Luhan told me. They’re both suspended. And neither of them can be in the summer dance showcase next month. And Kyungsoo’s parents want to take him out of the school.” Jongdae answers.

“But, is it true then? That Jongin really raped Kyungsoo? It just doesn’t seem like him.”

“Well, do you think Jongin is gay? And do you think Kyungsoo’s parents would want to move him if he didn’t actually get hurt?”

Baekhyun chews his lip. “I don’t know what to think. I was such a dumbass this year. All I did was ignore everyone.”

“Yeah, you were a dumbass.” Baekhyun glares at him. “But then again we all were. I hope Kyungsoo doesn’t transfer. I’ll lose my Mandarin tutor.” Jongdae smirks at Baekhyun. “I need to stay in good academic standing so I can take solos from you.”

“Kim Jongdae, we were getting along so well…”

“Hey, we should do a duet.”

“Excuse me?”

“For Kyungsoo. If he’s really leaving, we should sing something to him.”

“I never thought I’d say this, but I like the way you think.”

 

Joonmyun never envisioned himself as this person. He didn’t fancy himself to be easy to get between the sheets. But then again, he never thought anyone would  _ want _ to get him between the sheets. Joonmyun never thought he’d give up his virginity at fourteen.

But Dongjun feels so right, Joonmyun doesn’t think it’s wrong. He relishes the pain shooting up his spine and the feeling of Dongjun’s hands around his hips. Fingertips leave purple bruises blooming on white skin. Scraping teeth leave red and purple hickeys on his throat and collarbone. His body aches after, but it’s a pleasant ache. He feels safe in Dongjun’s strong arms.

They make love with the lights off. Joonmyun doesn’t want Dongjun to see his scars and say anything. He feels more secure in the dark. Dongjun always tells him how perfect he is. Joonmyun blushes pink at those words. He doesn’t think he’s perfect, if anything Dongjun is the perfect one.

Their relationship simultaneously causes all of Joonmyun’s ugly insecurities to bubble up to the surface and die away. He wonders why Dongjun chose him. He’s stuck between feeling anxious and elated whenever Dongjun is around him. He feels out of control sometimes, desperately trying to cling onto what he understands about himself. But he knows he’s different. Joonmyun can accept that he isn’t the happy, blissfully ignorant eighth grader he was last year; nor is he the person he was last summer when he slit his wrists every other week, drowning in his shame and insecurities. He’s been stuck in that pit of self-loathing for a long time.

But when he lays beneath Dongjun, back arching off the bed, voice cracking, he feels loved.


	11. June

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 4 May 2013
> 
> Cw: non-consensual kissing

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLqxV-Ic6e4) **Onew & Jessica** \- _One Year Later_ | _“I have no confidence in overcoming these endless regrets. So I’ve had to just repress them. One year has passed like that.”_

 

 

And just like that the school year is coming to a close. The musical goes off without a hitch. Jongdae and Baekhyun reconcile officially. Yixing and Jongin, still in suspension, don’t go to the dance showcase. Sehun dances a solo that leaves Luhan star-struck. The concert also goes off without any problems. Sehun gushes over Luhan’s pretty voice. Baekhyun and Jongdae sing a duet for Kyungsoo, leaving the entire auditorium in tears. Tao makes sure Minseok is recovering well and eating healthy food. Wufan and Chanyeol prepare for their upcoming baseball game. Joonmyun takes pictures for the newspaper and gets even closer to Dongjun.  

 

“I’m swooning. God, Joonie, look at the way my Sehunnie moves.” Luhan fans himself.

Joonmyun rolls his eyes and snaps a few pictures. “You sound like a fangirl, Lu.”

“Ooh look at him. He’s so handsome when he dances.”

“I understand. You’re Oh Sehun’s biggest fan. Would you like you have a quote in the paper about him?”

“Yes. ‘Hands off, bitches. He belongs to me. Lu Han. If you value your life you’ll learn that quickly.’”

Joonmyun scratches that quote off of his notepad.

 

“I can hear my Lulu over all the other voices. It stands out.”

Joonmyun has heard this before. He takes a picture of the group.

“Isn’t his voice pretty, Joonmyun?” Sehun gushes. It’s creepy hearing the overflow of emotion coming from the usually stoic boy.

“Yes, Sehun. Luhan has a very nice voice.” Joonmyun replies, voice expressionless.

Baekhyun taps the microphone gently. “Um, before Jongdae and I start we’d like to say that this song is dedicated to our friend Kyungsoo. Soo, we’ll always be here for you. Do Kyungsoo,  _ fighting _ !”

The music starts to play. Jongdae takes a deep breath before beginning.

Not a single eye is dry. Kyungsoo hugs both of them afterwards.

 

“What do you want to eat?”

Minseok doesn’t hesitate. “Ramen.”

Zitao rolls his eyes. “Glad to see you’re back to normal.”

“Hey I didn’t eat any for like two months. I’m entitled. You’re paying.”

“Anything for you, Min. But don’t expect this to become a regular thing!”

 

In suspension, Yixing has time to think. He wonders if exacting his revenge was worth it. He really doesn’t know if it was. He didn’t want to hurt Kyungsoo. He didn’t intend to out Jongin in front of everyone. He just wanted Jongin to admit he was wrong.

Maybe Yixing should have listened to Luhan.

 

“Kyungsoo? Kyungsoo? Please pick up your phone. I know you hate me. Please, I just want to talk to you.”

Jongin bites his lip. It took the entire year, an ugly fight, public humiliation, and the threat of Kyungsoo’s departure to make Jongin see straight… or gay. It still sits uncomfortably within him but he’s getting closer to being able to say “yeah, I like men.” He just wants to tell Kyungsoo he’s able to do that much. He thinks that’s what Kyungsoo would want to know.

Sehun told him that Kyungsoo’s parents wanted to take their son out of the school. If Jongin were a parent he probably would want to do the same. He’s also getting closer to accepting he assaulted his best friend. It makes him sick to think about how much Kyungsoo must have suffered because of him. He hates himself.

Jongin dials again, gets the dial tone again, and then the obnoxious lady tells him to leave a message again. “Please, Kyungsoo, pick up. I’m sorry for everything.”

Again and again, for hours, Jongin dials Kyungsoo’s number. Eventually the obnoxious phone lady announces that Kyungsoo’s voicemail is full. Jongin’s heart sinks with disappointment. He knows it’s stupid to think Kyungsoo would answer his calls. He wouldn’t answer his calls either.

Even so, Jongin dials one last time. He’s met with buzzing. His lip quivers. “Please Kyungsoo, I just want to hear your voice. Pick up.”

Of course Kyungsoo doesn’t.

 

Kris feels as though he’s suffocating.

Ever since he overheard Joonmyun and his boyfriend being intimate in the locker room, Kris can’t shake the envy inside of him. He glares at Dongjun openly and with palpable hostility. He pines for Joonmyun secretly, wishing he were the one Joonmyun loved.

Chanyeol remarks offhandedly that Joonmyun seems to light up around Dongjun, that his misplaced smile returns – albeit weakly. It hurts Kris to think about it. He knows that it’s true. He’s spent more time than he’d like to admit staring after the couple, and yes, Joonmyun seems like the boy he left last summer when he’s around Dongjun. Kris hates that. He hates that Joonmyun can be so comfortable, so happy, around a stranger, but can barely look at Kris.

“Yeol. Yeol. I’m going to go crazy.”

“Why?”

“I can’t stand him being there with that bastard. I can’t take it.”

“Then go after him.”

“What?”

“Go clear the air with Joonmyun. He probably doesn’t know how you feel. Tell him. He might not leave Dongjun for you, but at least he’ll know.” Chanyeol’s eyes are dark and melancholy. Kris nods weakly.

Kris finds Joonmyun behind the baseball field, sitting by himself and looking at the clouds. “Joonmyun.”

The other boy looks up. “Oh, Wufan.”

“I need to talk to you.”

Joonmyun nods.

Kris drops to Joonmyun’s side. “I’m sorry. I can’t even say how sorry I am.”

“Wufan, there’s nothing to apologize for…” Joonmyun begins to stand up, but Kris pushes him down against the soft grass, caging the smaller boy with his long limbs.

“Listen to me, Kim Joonmyun. I don’t know what happened to us, but I’m sorry we’re like this. I like you, Joonmyun.  _ I like you _ . I hate myself for not coming to my senses sooner. I’m sorry that I’m not the one who holds you. I’m so envious I want to die when I see you with him. I’m sorry that I couldn’t confess to you sooner. I’m sorry I’m too late. I’m too  _ late _ .” Kris breathes shakily. “I’m a year too late and you’ve moved on without me. I’ve missed you all year but I couldn’t talk to you. I’m sorry that you went through whatever you did all alone. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. Maybe if I had been we wouldn’t be like this.”

“Wufan. I’m sorry.” Joonmyun pushes Kris away from him gently. Guilt pricks his stomach. He didn’t know how Wufan felt about him. He bites his lip. “You don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I hate myself sometimes, Joon. I hate that I’m not the one who holds you and loves you. I miss you. I want us to be like we used to.”

“Wufan, please don’t…”

Kris grabs the back of Joonmyun’s head and drags the boy in for a kiss. It’s an ugly clash of lips and teeth and Kris’s tongue. It drips with pure desperation and unrequited longing. Kris wraps his arms around Joonmyun’s smaller frame, pulling their bodies flush together. He kisses the shorter boy ferociously. Joonmyun squirms and tries to get away. Kris’s heart has never hurt so much.

Kris pulls away, stares into Joonmyun’s eyes. “I love you, Joon. I want to be with you.”

“Wufan, I have a boyfriend.”

“I know.”

“I can’t… Wufan, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop regretting this.”

“Wufan, stop it. Please, don’t try to guilt me.”

Kris pulls Joonmyun to his feet. “I’m sorry, Joonmyun. I just… He better treat you well. If he doesn’t, tell me. I’ll beat the crap out of him.”

“Dongjun does treat me well.” Joonmyun says softly. “You don’t need to worry.”

Kris just nods. Everything is numb. He doesn’t think he could hurt more if he were being physically beaten. “I’m sorry,” he repeats.

Joonmyun stares at his feet. He’s never seen Wufan act like this. It scares him. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. Nothing was your fault. You changed. I changed. There’s nothing wrong with that. We’re different, Wufan. This was going to happen at some point and it happened this year.”

Kris bites his tongue. How many times have they had this conversation? Too many times.

They stand there awkwardly, unable to meet each other’s eyes. The unspoken words hang between them like an oppressive fog. Joonmyun shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Kris stares up at the sky. The seconds feel like hours.

“Um, I have to go.” Joonmyun looks nervously at Wufan. “I’m sorry, Wufan.”

“Don’t be.” Kris says shortly. “You have no need to apologize.”

Joonmyun says goodbye softly and walks away. Kris feels his heart shatter into thousands of pieces.

Kris waits until Joonmyun is far away and out of earshot before screaming in agony.

Chanyeol finds him in the field hours later, curled into a ball and sobbing. Kris lets Chanyeol pull him to his feet and wipe away his tears. Chanyeol rocks Kris in his muscular arms, whispers that everything will be okay. Kris doesn’t know if he should believe it.


	12. July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 12 May 2013
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KevdP2uJOZ0) **Green Day** \- _Homecoming_ | _“Nobody likes you. Everyone left you. They’re all out without you having fun. Everyone left you. Nobody likes you. They’re all out without you having fun.”_

 

 

_ “Hi! My name’s Kim Jongin, what’s yours?” _

_ “Do Kyungsoo.” _

_ “We should be friends.” _

_ “Oh okay.” _

Kyungsoo stares wistfully at his front porch. Ten years ago Kim Jongin wandered across the street to say hello to the new neighbors. Kyungsoo’s family had just moved from Inchon when his father had been offered a position in Seoul. Jongin was Kyungsoo’s first friend in the new neighborhood. He was energetic and always smiling. Kyungsoo was a shy child, he still was really, but Jongin’s effervescence had helped the owlish boy come out of his shell. He never imagined he and Jongin would have such a messed up relationship. Everything used to be so simple.

Now Kyungsoo’s family was moving back to Inchon. Jongin had hurt Kyungsoo like no other and Kyungsoo was going to carry the scars for a long time. Starting over seemed like the only way to heal.

Jongin had called him relentlessly. Kyungsoo’s phone could accumulate one hundred missed calls a day. His inbox and voicemail were always flooded with Jongin. Kyungsoo just deleted everything. He didn’t read a single message or listen to a single voicemail. He didn’t want to. He just wanted to erase the Kim Jongin who had made him suffer. Little Jongin who had declared their friendship would always be in Kyungsoo’s heart, but this Jongin had to leave.

Kyungsoo’s phone vibrates in his pocket. Jongin again.

“You’re not going to rape my head,” Kyungsoo says wearily to his vibrating phone.

He silences his phone and steps back inside his house. Almost everything was packed and ready to go. Kyungsoo walks into his bedroom. He runs his hand over the walls. On the doorjamb was his height tracker. Each month a thick line of crayon marked how tall he was. Sometimes he didn’t grow at all; sometimes he shot up like a weed. Posters left slightly faded rectangles of paint of the walls. His dresser was empty. The top, once cluttered with picture frames and trophies, was also void of possessions. Everything was in cardboard boxes. His mattress lay on the bare floor – the actual bed itself had already been disassembled and packed. He sits on his mattress and looks around. He would miss his room. He would miss Seoul. He would miss his friends.

His phone vibrates again.

He doesn’t pick up.

 

“JOONMYUUUUNN!”

“Mother of Christ Jesus, Kim Minseok, lower your voice.”

“We’re going to hang out today. Be there!”

“Min, I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m tired."

“Ooh! What were you doing?”

A laugh in the distance. “His boyfriend was doing him!”

Joonmyun still blushes. “Kim Jongdae, stop being a troll. Fine, I’ll be ready in half an hour.”

Joonmyun hung up and pulled himself gingerly out of bed. Contrary to Jongdae’s deduction, Joonmyun was not tired from sex. He was just tired. Dongjun had some sort of gymnastics competition to compete in and would be gone for two weeks. Joonmyun had stayed up video chatting with him until the wee hours of the morning, hence the exhaustion.

Joonmyun stands under the stream of his shower, eyes still closed. He blinks blearily as he steps out of the shower. As he rifles through his dresser for clothes it dawns on him that it was summer. No more heavy sweaters. No more long sleeves. No more hiding the scars on his wrists. He pulls out clothes.  _ Maybe they won’t see _ , he thinks.

He prays they won’t see.

 

“Tao, buy me ice cream.”

Zitao glares at Minseok. “What am I? Your bank?”

Minseok bats his eyes at Zitao. “Please?”

“No.”

“I’ll buy you ice cream, Min.” Jongdae waves his wallet at the other boy.

“Thank you, Jongdae. See Tao? Jongdae is nice to me.”

Zitao rolls his eyes. “Where did Sehun and Luhan run off to? I hope they aren’t making out.”

“I still can’t believe Joonmyun got laid first. I mean, it’s Joon! Who knew ugly argyle sweaters could turn someone on. He got himself a freak.” Jongdae snorts.

“Seriously Jongdae, shush. That’s such a weird thing to say.” Minseok chastises.

“I always thought Luhan would be the first one to bend over and let someone…”

“KIM JONGDAE!”

 

Luhan rests his cheek against Sehun’s shoulder, drinks in hand. “You think they noticed we bailed?”

“Most likely.” Sehun plays with his straw.

“What do you think is going to happen?”

“What do you mean?”        

“Well, Kyungsoo is moving away. We’re down to eleven. And we don’t interact the same way anymore. Are we ever going to be twelve again?”

Sehun strokes Luhan’s hair. “If we’re meant to be twelve, we’ll be twelve. And if we’re meant to splinter, we’ll splinter. I don’t know much past that.”

Luhan snuggles closer to Sehun. “Just promise to stay with me, Sehunnie.”

“I’d never leave you, Lulu.”

 

Kris is packing his bags once again. He’s spending the majority of his summer in Guangzhou with his mother. Her firm just got offered a huge deal and his mother needs to help ease the deal into completion. So Kris will be hanging around by himself all summer. Joy.

He fights to itch to go past Joonmyun’s house. He wonders if the other boy is going disappear all summer like he did last year. Kris decides it isn’t his business.

He closes his suitcase.

 

Baekhyun taps his feet impatiently. He feels silly standing outside Chanyeol’s house with a steadily melting carton of ice cream. He’s trying to muster the courage to ring the doorbell and beg for forgiveness again. He rings it tentatively. Chanyeol opens the door.

“Um, hi Chanyeol. Are you busy?”

“Not right now. What’s up?”

Baekhyun feels his face turning red. “I know we didn’t have the best year together.” He holds out the ice cream. “If you’re ready to accept me again, I want to be your friend again.”

Chanyeol ponders this. Slowly, he nods. “I think I’d like to talk to you again, Baek.”

Baekhyun wants to cry with relief. A huge smile breaks out on his face. “Thank you, Yeollie.”

 

“It’s about time! What took you so long?” Minseok huffs.

“You never told me where you were. I had to go and ask your mom.” Joonmyun retorts.

“Whatever. We’re getting ice cream.” Minseok grabs Joonmyun’s wrist – the one covered in scars – and tugs him down the street. Joonmyun’s heart hammers in his chest. If Minseok looks at his arm all would be lost. Luckily, the cuts go unnoticed. The four boys buy ice cream and sit down on a long park bench. Joonmyun lifts his spoon to his mouth, thinking about the first time he met these boys.

On their first day of kindergarten the teacher explained that the local church had just helped four Chinese families come to Korea. The four boys looked a little shell shocked at their new environment. Their Korean was minimal and they clustered together, whispering in their mother tongue. Their Korean classmates seemed largely uninterested in them. Joonmyun remembered feeling like he should play with the new kids. So he did. He picked up a toy truck and presented it to one of the boys. “Do you want to play with me?” Yixing had looked up at him with wide eyes and nodded slowly. From then, the twelve of them drifted together slowly. They all lived in the same neighborhood. They played together on the weekends, did homework at each other’s houses.

Joonmyun remembers eating ice cream with them in the summer. From his seat on the bench he imagines their miniature versions sitting on the curb with ice cream cones. He particularly remembers Baekhyun asking for extra napkins because Chanyeol always ended up with ice cream dribbling down his chin. Joonmyun smiles a little at the memory.

Life was uncomplicated back then. Change was inevitable. But as Joonmyun sits here with his friends eating ice cream, he feels hopeful for the first time in a long time.

 

Everything hurt.

Jongin squeezes his eyes shut, trying to stem the flow of tears. It was a stupid idea, but Jongin had taken out his bike and cycled past Kyungsoo’s house to see if the boy would talk to him. As he rode past, he saw a moving van parked outside with cardboard boxes stacked on the curb. Jongin fled the scene, feeling an enormous pain growing in his chest. He’d ridden until his legs gave out and he crashed onto someone’s lawn. He dragged his bike into the shade of a tree and settled in between the protruding roots.

He rips out some of the grass and squashed it between his palms. He was an idiot. Pure and simple. He was idiotic to think Kyungsoo would even look at him after what had happened. He was idiotic to think that Kyungsoo wouldn’t leave. He was idiot.

“Why are you on my lawn?”

Jongin looks up and into the eyes of a confused looking Yixing.

“Sorry, I’ll leave.” Jongin stands up and grabs his bike.

“No.” Yixing looks away. “Look, I didn’t mean to do that to you and Kyungsoo. I just wanted you to apologize to me. I’ve thought about this a lot.”

“Well clearly you didn’t think much beforehand.” Jongin snap.

Yixing flinches. “Trust me, Lu bitched me out about outing you and Kyungsoo.”

Jongin glares. “Does it make you happy that you won? Everyone knows I’m gay and now Kyungsoo is moving back to wherever he came from because everyone thinks I’m a sexual predator.”

“Are you gay?”

Jongin pauses. “I don’t know. I’m only attracted to Kyungsoo. He’s the only one I want. I’ve looked at a lot of girls. I don’t feel anything. I’ve looked at guys too, but it’s the same. But when it’s him… I wanted him.”

“I didn’t want to hurt either of you. I just wanted you to admit you were wrong.”

“I was. I know that. But you were too. I don’t expect you to apologize to me. I’m not going to apologize to you. So let’s not bother each other.” Jongin climbs back onto his bike.

“Okay. See you.” Yixing walks back into his house and closes the door.


	13. August

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 18 May 2013
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=timg_3Yd38E) **Florence + The Machine** \- _Cosmic Love_ | _“And in the dark I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound. But then it stopped and I was in the darkness. So darkness I became.”_

 

 

“Oh god, I’m hideous, aren’t I? Damn, why did I let Minseok talk me into this? I look like a clown. Oh my god, you must think I’m so ugly. Don’t look at me! Sweet Jesus, I need to go shave my head now. I’m sorry. I’m such a wreck.” Joonmyun frantically runs his hands through his newly dyed red hair. Minseok talked him into it. He shouldn’t have listened.

Dongjun shakes his head. “No. Babe, you look perfect, as always. I like it.”

“It looks atrocious!” Joonmyun wails.

“It does not.” Dongjun smiles gently at his frantic boyfriend. “You look great.” He brushes a few of Joonmyun’s curls off his forehead. “I missed you a lot.”

“I missed you too.” Joonmyun murmurs, folding himself into Dongjun’s arms.

Dongjun kisses his forehead. “Now calm down, alright? I like your hair. I think it suits you. You look beautiful, as usual.”

Joonmyun blushes. “You don’t need to compliment me. I know I look silly.”

“What am I going to do about these insecurities?” Dongjun lifts up Joonmyun, making him squeal in surprise. Dongjun whispers in Joonmyun’s ear. “Let me show you how beautiful you are.”

 

“What happened to your hair?”

“What happened to your hair?”

Kris and Chanyeol stare at each other, sporting identical buzz cuts.

“It was really hot in Guangzhou. And I couldn’t get any hair dye. So I buzzed it.”

“Baekhyun’s little brother got gum right in the middle of it and it wouldn’t come out. So I trimmed it really short and then buzzed the rest.”

Kris is surprised. “You and Baekhyun made up?”

“We’re working on it. I figured, new year, new start.”

Kris nods. He secretly wants to ask Chanyeol about Joonmyun, but he bites back his question. Though Chanyeol seems to read his mind and says: “Joonmyun’s been around here. I’ve seen him with Minseok and Tao and Jongdae hanging out. He dyed his hair. It’s red.”

Kris nods again, feigning nonchalance. “What about Dongjun?” he asks too casually.

“I haven’t seen him much. But I did see him with Joonmyun a couple days ago. Joon looked like he was having a nervous breakdown. I think he was afraid Dongjun wouldn’t like his hair.” Chanyeol shrugs. “I couldn’t really tell.”

Kris sets his jaw. It bothers him that Joonmyun would be so concerned over something so trivial. It’s hurt him to think about Joonmyun ever since their confrontation in the field. The rejection is burned into his mind. It still pains him.

Kris walks with Chanyeol down the street, Chanyeol chattering mindlessly about what Kris has missed. They pass Kyungsoo’s old house and Chanyeol’s face darkens. A “FOR SALE” sign is stuck into the lawn with a phone number for the local realtor.

“I just want to kick that sign over.” Chanyeol growls.

“So he really moved?” Kris says softly.

Chanyeol strides over to the sign and kicks the wooden post. It vibrates in place. “All year, I’ve been making peace with things I can’t control. I didn’t think I could ever come to terms with Baekhyun but I did. And now we’re trying to rebuild. But this?” He kicks the post again. “I don’t understand why I can’t get over this. I feel like we should’ve known. Like we should’ve been there for him.”

Kris pats Chanyeol’s shoulder. “There’s nothing we can do now. We didn’t know.”

“They put his forwarding address on the community bulletin board. I think I want to write to him. Just to tell him how things are.” Chanyeol catches his breath.

Kris rubs Chanyeol’s back. “You should do that.”

 

Yixing stretches out his back. He hasn’t had the urge to dance in months. His quest for revenge consumed all of him. His old passion for movement had been smothered by his own obsession.

Yixing begins slowly, testing his legs once again. He bends himself, remembering how it feels to pop. He closes his eyes, forgets about his surroundings and lets himself move freely. He ambles around the small studio, losing himself in his own fluidity of motion.

Inside, Yixing feels everything fall back into place. He’s in his element. Last year, he was fixated on an ugly part of him – the part that was dark and endlessly sought vengeance. But he didn’t want to remember that part of him. He wants to be this Yixing – the one who feels most at peace when dancing.

He moves to his own tempo, making up the steps as he goes. This is how he should be. Dancing to his own beat. Unconcerned by others.

Yixing thinks he can live that way.

 

Minseok kicks the soccer ball to Luhan. Luhan kicks it back.

“How are you and Sehun?” Minseok asks, tapping the ball to Luhan.

“We’re doing well.” Luhan traps the ball deftly and slides it back to Minseok. “What about you?”

“Eating,” Minseok replies. “Tao and I go jogging every other day.”

Luhan nods. “I’m thinking about joining soccer in the fall. Sehun thinks I should.”

“Maybe I’ll join too. It would be good for me to do something.”

“Did you like track?”

“I’ll be honest, I really did join only to snoop around Joon’s boyfriend.”

“What did you learn?”

“Not much. Just that he takes track and field way too seriously.”

Luhan laughs. “Joon seems happy with him.”

“He is. I haven’t seen Joonmyun smile in a long time. And around Dongjun, he smiles.”

 

Baekhyun carefully traces his waterline with a black pencil. He gave up doing his eyes over the summer; he was just sweating away the lines anyway, and needed to get back in practice.

Cursing in frustration as the pencil slipped oh-so-slightly and left a thick black line on the side of his face, Baekhyun turned on the water and scrubbed at the line. Honestly, he was glad doing makeup was his biggest worry heading back to school. He and Chanyeol were on a steady path back to a solid friendship. Baekhyun hadn’t felt so at ease since last summer.

Once again, Baekhyun angles his pencil and draws a thin line. Pleased, he attempts the other eye and smudges it. Cursing, he turns on the tap and wipes his mistake away.

His mother’s voice calls through the door. “Baekhyun, Chanyeol is here to see you.”

“Just a second!” Baekhyun quickly draws the other line. His eyes aren’t even, but he won’t keep Chanyeol waiting. He pops out of the bathroom. “Hi, Yeol.”

Chanyeol points to his eyes. “They’re uneven.”

“I know. I’m out of practice. What’s up?”

Chanyeol holds up a pad of paper. “I want to write to Kyungsoo. I was wondering if you’d help me. And you can write something too if you want. I’ve never been that good with words.”

“Sure, I’ll help you.”

 

Jongdae and Sehun sit across from each other. Sehun’s blank face betrays none of his internal irritation and confusion as he slowly solves algebra equations. He punches numbers into his calculator dutifully and precisely and scribbles down the answers like a machine. Jongdae, on the other hand, is about to create male pattern baldness on his own head. He slowly carves  _ pinyins _ into his paper. He shouldn’t have left his summer Mandarin essay until the last minute, but he did. He erases his last sentence, muttering curses.

“Fuck this.” Jongdae growls, crumpling his paper. “I’m transferring to Japanese. No way in hell am I doing Mandarin this year.”

Sehun rolls his eyes. “Good luck with that.”

“Don’t like you’re any better in Mandarin than I am. You know full well you only passed because Luhan was coaching you.”

“When did I say I was better than you? I just said they probably won’t let you transfer."

Jongdae pulled out a new piece of paper, muttering something about “Oh you’re so smart…”

“I am so smart.” Sehun states, erasing a wrong answer on his paper.

“Sure. Tell me something shocking that only you know.”

“Chanyeol likes Kris.”

Jongdae chokes on his salvia. “What? Say that again.”

“Chanyeol likes Kris.” Sehun closes his calculator.

“What makes you think that?”

Sehun rolls his eyes. “It’s so obvious. Chanyeol’s whole demeanor changes when that giant idiot is around him. And have you noticed that whenever Kris is whining about Joonmyun and his boyfriend Chanyeol wilts? Am I the only who sees this?”

Jongdae stares at Sehun. “Uh, yeah. I think you’re the only one who sees this stuff.”

Sehun shakes his head and collects his things. “I’ll tell Lu to give you a call about your paper.”

 

Jongin doesn’t like doing errands. He’s never really liked doing it anyway, but now he hates it even more because he has to pass Kyungsoo’s vacant house to go to the store. He quickens his pace when he passes it, not daring to look at it. He’s tried calling Kyungsoo, only to hear that the number is not available and to try again. Jongin feels cold whenever he thinks about Kyungsoo. He never really got to apologize to him, or say goodbye. That’s all he wanted to do. His chest clenches uncomfortably whenever he thinks about it.

He kicks the “FOR SALE” post on his way home.

 

Practices for fall sports begin on the last week of August. Every morning Luhan and Minseok go out to run with the soccer team. Zitao, Jongdae, and Sehun sit on the bleachers watching them. Zitao reluctantly translates Jongdae and Sehun’s Mandarin essays while Sehun and Jongdae switch their focuses to math homework. At some point Sehun chucks his calculator onto the field, which some incoming freshman mistakes for the ball and Sehun’s hundred dollar calculator goes soaring through the air. It takes Zitao, Jongdae, Minseok, and Luhan to prevent Sehun from pummeling the kid.

After that incident Sehun just shows up after the practices are done with two bubble teas in hand.

 

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

Wufan’s grip on Joonmyun’s wrist is downright painful. Tears are stinging the shorter boy’s eyes as he tries to pull free of Wufan’s iron grasp.

“Joonmyun. What the hell is this?” Wufan’s voice is deadly.

Joonmyun can barely remember how Wufan caught sight of his scars, but when he did he blew a fuse, cursing up a storm. He’d ended up nearly twisting Joonmyun’s arm, forcing him to stare at his self-inflicted scars.

“Why the hell did you do this?” Wufan shouts.

“Let go of me, Wufan.” Joonmyun whimpers.

“Tell me what this is.” Wufan’s long fingers dig into the marred flesh painfully.

A few tears leak out of Joonmyun’s eyes. He looks up at Wufan, begs him. “Wufan, you’re  _ hurting _ me. Let go.”

Wufan drops Joonmyun’s arm like it’s hot iron. “Why did you do that to yourself?” he asks, anger ebbing away.

Joonmyun wipes his eyes. “It was a long time ago.”

“Why?”

“I was depressed.”

Wufan grabs Joonmyun’s shoulders. “Tell me what happened. Joonmyun, I just want to know why you did it.”

Joonmyun shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“Why? Why can’t you talk to me?” Wufan’s throat tightens.

“Last summer,” Joonmyun says quietly. “I was going through a lot last summer.”

Wufan sighs. “Can you tell me?”

Silence hangs between them before Joonmyun takes a shaky breath.

“My parents got divorced.” Joonmyun is barely audible. “My dad cheated. And my mom found out. That’s why I was gone. My mom wanted to get away from my dad. I didn’t know how to explain what had happened. And I was lonely.” Joonmyun sniffles. “And I just couldn’t take it. So I cut. But I haven’t since then.”

Wufan runs his thumb over the long white lines. He pulls Joonmyun’s wrist to his lips, presses a kiss against each scar.

“Wufan,” Joonmyun’s voice is alarmed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m healing you.” Wufan’s words rumble against Joonmyun’s skin. “You’re perfect. You’re beautiful, Joon. You’re so beautiful. And I love you. I love you so much.”

Joonmyun feels fresh tears threatening to fall. “Wufan, please…”

“I know, you have someone else.” Wufan lifts his eyes to meet Joonmyun’s watery ones. “Does he know about this?”

“No.” Joonmyun says meekly. “I don’t want him to think I’m crazy.”

Wufan’s brow furrows. “Why would he think you’re crazy?”

Joonmyun shakes his head. “You don’t understand.”

Wufan’s stomach flips. “Joonmyun, why are you afraid of your boyfriend?”

Joonmyun gawks at Wufan. “What? I’m not afraid of him.” He frowns. “Don’t inject your own dislike into this.”

“Why are you so concerned about his reactions then?” Wufan demands. “Shouldn’t he always stand by you?”

“He does.” Joonmyun runs his hands through his red curls. “It’s me. I’m the problem. I know I’m insecure about my relationship. Because when I look at Dongjun he is perfect. And I can’t understand why he wants me when there is nothing special about me.”

“Don’t say that. Ever. Joonmyun you are a wonderful person. You’re smart, and you’re attractive, and you always care about everyone before you care about yourself. He knows that.”

“I know he knows. He tells me all the time. It’s just hard, Wufan. You don’t understand how hard it is for me.”

“Listen. I know that you don’t want me the way that I want you. But I want to try to be your friend again. Can we try? I want you to have someone you can talk to. I don’t want you to go through things alone.” Wufan gently brushes one of Joonmyun’s curls aside.

Joonmyun bites his lip before nodding slowly. If he’s honest, he has missed Wufan.

Wufan pulls Joonmyun into a bone crushing hug.

“Oh my god! Wufan, I’m not strong enough for this!” Joonmyun yelps.

Wufan releases the shorter and smiles. “You’re so delicate.”

“Dongjun says the same thing.” Joonmyun huffs.

“That’s why I’d need to beat him up if he hurts you. Then again I’d feel bad. He’s so short he wouldn’t be able to touch me.” Wufan snorts.

“Don’t make fun of him.” Joonmyun says. He pauses. “I don’t know if I should tell you this.”

“You can tell me anything.”

“But it isn’t about me.”

“What is it?”

“Chanyeol likes you. I can see it in his face.” Wufan’s eyes widen. Joonmyun shrugs his shoulders. “He’s a really nice guy. Maybe you should give him a chance.”

Wufan ruffles Joonmyun’s hair. “I’ll think about it.”

Joonmyun smiles. He’s hopeful for the coming year.


	14. September - Joonmyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 23 May 2013
> 
> Cw: sexual content  
> Tw: graphic depiction of self-harm

⎘  _ The Perks of Being a Wallflower _ by Stephen Chbosky | “ _ Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody _ .” 

 

 

Joonmyun twists in front of his mirror. Checking his appearance once, twice, thrice. He frowns. His hair hadn’t fallen well and he had tried – and failed – to make it cooperate and lie nicely. He sighs in frustration. His brown eyes look bloodshot from lack of sleep and dark circles bloom beneath his eyes. He tugs at his sweater sleeves, making sure his wrists are completely covered. Minseok had complained about autumn’s early arrival but Joonmyun had almost cried with relief. The chill in the air gave him an excuse to wear long sleeves once more. Short-sleeve weather had led to many near disasters. Too many people had almost caught sight of his scarred wrists. Joonmyun had taken to wearing watches with thick straps or other large bracelets to try to cover them up. Sleeves were better for hiding.

He hears his mom calling from the kitchen asking Joonmyun if he planned on going to school. Joonmyun was tempted to fake some crippling illness to stay home but instead drags himself out of his room. His mother pats his cheek affectionately and sends him on his way.

Joonmyun sighs as the cold wind slips in between the weave of his sweater. He shoves his hands into his pockets and trudges to school, hating each step. He isn’t sure about the last time he had felt so depressed, but the recurrence scared him. It had begun slowly, creeping up on him cautiously. It had started with tiredness and loss of appetite. Then it morphed into lessened desire to spend time with his friends soaking up the last of the dog days of summer. Dongjun had prodded at him, trying to find out what was wrong. Joonmyun had snapped at him, the depression flaring up into momentary rage. After, Joonmyun had called Dongjun to apologize but was met with a voicemail. Joonmyun realized Dongjun never ignored his calls and burst into tears, wailing about how sorry and stupid he was. Dongjun still hadn’t called him back.

Joonmyun drags his feet up the steps and down the hallway. All returning sophomores were getting herded into the cafeteria to pick up new schedules. Joonmyun’s eyes scan the halls, trying to pick up his friends. He sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun chattering about their schedules near the windows. Zitao is chewing on a candy cigarette – his doctor had told him to quit smoking and Minseok had discovered candy cigarettes at the store – as he complains to Minseok and Jongdae about his headaches. Luhan and Sehun sit together, comparing their classes. Evidently, they shared few because Luhan pouts frequently. Yixing is flipping through his schedule, a pair of purple headphones covering his ears. Yixing hadn’t spoken to any of them over the summer. Jongin is on the opposite side of the cafeteria, silently leafing through his schedule. He too had avoided everyone. Lastly, Joonmyun catches sight of Wufan making his way over to Yixing. He sees them briefly exchange words before Wufan sits himself next to the other boy.

Joonmyun frowns to himself. Something was missing.  _ Someone  _ was missing. He turns in a circle, trying to figure out who he hadn’t seen just yet. The reality hits him like a ton of bricks.  _ Kyungsoo _ . Kyungsoo was no longer there. The boy was in Inchon, at a different school, probably talking to new friends. Joonmyun feels his heart clench. His lower lip quivers as tears threaten to fall. He pushes up his sleeves and wiped at his tears with the back of his hand.

He feels on a hand on his bare elbow. He turns to see Dongjun looking at him gently. “Hey,” the older boy says softly. “Uh, I was going to call. But I really wanted to talk to you in person. Can we talk?”

Joonmyun nods eagerly. “Yes. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

Dongjun slips his fingers between Joonmyun’s. “It’s alright. I know you didn’t mean it.” Dongjun pauses and frowns.

Joonmyun raises his eyebrows. “What’s wrong?”

Dongjun pulls Joonmyun’s hand closer to his face. “What’s this?”

Joonmyun feels his blood turn to ice. Dongjun runs a finger over one of his scars. “Joonmyun…” He pauses. “Baby, what is this?”

Joonmyun opens his mouth and snaps it shut. His heart slams against his ribs. He feels lightheaded and his knees go wobbly. He tries to tug his arm away, but Dongjun keeps a firm grip. His boyfriend seems to realize what he was looking at. “ _ Joonmyun _ .”

“Please, can we talk later?” Joonmyun chokes out. “Can we not talk about this now?”

“Joonmyun, talk to me. Beautiful, what happened?”

Joonmyun wrenches his arm away. His brain feels frenzied. Every part of his being screams at him to run from Dongjun and hide for eternity. Out of all the people he knew, Joonmyun wanted to hide his scars from Dongjun the most. He already felt as though he wasn’t good enough for the older boy; his unstable mental health wouldn’t help the situation at all.

“Joonmyun. Please…”

Joonmyun backs away. “Dongjun, please not now. I can’t… I can’t do this right now.”

Dongjun sighs deeply. “Okay. But we need to talk about this.”

Joonmyun turns and walked away. His heart is still beating like crazy. He feels like breaking down and crying right there. He pulls his sleeves back down and balls his hands up into the fabric. He’s shaking as he sits down beside Minseok for orientation. His friend tries to talk to him but Joonmyun presses his lips together and shakes his head.

As he walks along to class, Joonmyun bumps into Wufan. “Hey, you alright?” Wufan’s brow crinkles with worry.

Joonmyun feels a scream building up in his throat so he shakes his head again. He feels Wufan’s large hand grasping his shoulder. “What’s wrong? Don’t try lying to me. I know you too well for that.”

Joonmyun presses his lips together, trying to suppress the need to break down and cry. It wouldn’t do to be an emotional train wreck on the first day of school. Then again, it also wouldn’t do to begin the year holed up in the bathroom crying next to a smelly urinal.

“Joon,” Wufan’s voice is softer. “What’s the matter?”

“He saw.” Joonmyun whispers.

Wufan’s brow crinkles. “Huh?”

“Dongjun saw!” Tears start to leak out from Joonmyun’s eyes. “Dongjun saw! He saw them and now he must think I’m crazy. What am I going to do? How can I face anyone now? What if he tells someone?” He tugs at his hair and tries to quiet his hysterics. “I can’t do this. I can’t. He’s the one person I wanted to hide this from and he  _ knows _ . Wufan, I don’t know what to do.”

Wufan places his hands on Joonmyun’s quaking shoulders. “Joon. It will be fine. I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re crazy.”

“But what if he does? You have no idea… you have no idea what’s going on in my head right now, Wufan.”

Wufan drags Joonmyun into the bathroom and grabs a paper towel for him. “Dry your eyes. It’ll be fine. Just remember, you have me to beat the crap out of him if you want.”

“Wufan! You really aren’t helping!”

Joonmyun dabs at his eyes and nose, trying to stem the flow of his sorrow. Joonmyun is afraid. He is afraid of being dumped but he was also afraid of his reaction. As he thinks about Dongjun’s potential reaction, his hands burn to open up his scars. He remembers the feeling of slicing open his skin and releasing the pain welled up inside. He is terrified of himself.

Wufan ruffles his hair gently. “What do you have first? I’ll walk you to class.”

“You don’t have to…”

“I want to.”

Joonmyun unfolds his schedule. “Um, I have math.”

Wufan rolls his eyes. “Luhan was saying that all the honors kids get to have math first and get it over with. Dummies like me and Sehun get to have math last.”

Joonmyun smiles faintly. “Maybe you should study.”

Wufan waves the idea away. “Next time.”

 

“Hi.” Joonmyun barely whispers his greeting.

Dongjun looks up at him. “Oh, hi.”

Joonmyun bites his lip and stares at his feet. He feels awkward. Dongjun knows his deepest, ugliest secret. He’s afraid of what the older boy will say.

He feels Dongjun’s muscular arms wrap around him. He looks up into Dongjun’s soft brown eyes. “Beautiful, you know I love you right?”

Joonmyun nods nervously.

Dongjun reaches down to brush one of Joonmyun’s red curls away. “I don’t know why you did that to yourself, but I know there must have been a reason. So if you want to share it with me, I’ll listen. And if you aren’t ready to tell me, I’ll wait. But I don’t think you’re crazy.”

Something about that makes Joonmyun cautious. “Who told you that?”

“What?”

“Who told you I was afraid you’d think I was crazy?”

“Oh, your friend. What was his name? Kris, I think…”

Joonmyun wants to tear his hair out. “Why is he telling you things?” he nearly screeches. Dongjun looks alarmed. “Wufan… Wufan is being nosy.” He sighs and settles down in Dongjun’s arms. “He means well… but he’s doing too much.”

Dongjun strokes Joonmyun’s hair. “He seemed very concerned.”

“He is.” Maybe too much, Joonmyun adds in his head.

Dongjun pecks his cheek gently. “Now about before…”

“I’m an idiot. I’m sorry. I was just really frazzled.”

“I forgive you, beautiful. I’m sorry I didn’t call back. I was a little embarrassed. I thought I’d upset you somehow.”

“No. Dongjun, you’re never the problem. It’s me. It’s always me.”

Joonmyun feels Dongjun’s lips ghosting over his. “Don’t say that. I’m not perfect either.”

“You have no idea how insecure I am.” Joonmyun mutters.

“Joonmyun…” Dongjun kisses him more deeply. “You’re perfect.”

 

Joonmyun’s mind is fried as he writhes beneath Dongjun. His sheets are mussed and he doesn’t even know what happened to the top sheet. He figures it’s on the floor somewhere. Somehow they always end up like this: clawing at each other’s skin, smashing their mouths together, mingling their sweat. Joonmyun feels secure in Dongjun’s arms. He doesn’t think about anything other than how good he feels.

Joonmyun cries out when he feels Dongjun prodding between his legs. It feels like their first time again, with Dongjun murmuring gently in Joonmyun’s ear. “I love you, beautiful.” He was terrified the first time they did it. He knew it would hurt, but how much? What would happen if his mom came home early? How was he going to explain this? He was afraid his inexperience would turn off Dongjun and he didn’t dare ask if Dongjun had done this before.

Joonmyun whimpers into Dongjun’s shoulder as the older boy presses into him. It almost always hurts but Dongjun is gentle with him. “You’re so delicate,” Dongjun chuckles breathlessly. “I have to take good care of you.” He rolls his hips forward, making Joonmyun cry out again. He feels his cheeks flush. He still feels a little bit embarrassed when they’re intimate.

Slowly, the pace becomes more feverish and frenzied. The headboard knocks against Joonmyun’s wall. Joonmyun wraps his legs around Dongjun’s waist and digs his nails into his muscular back. Joonmyun squeezes his eyes shut, a litany of curses falling from his lips. Dongjun growls in his ear as he tightens his grip on Joonmyun’s waist.

Joonmyun arches his back, throws his head to the side. Dongjun’s teeth scrape across his sensitive skin, leaving a trail of red love bites on Joonmyun’s exposed throat. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Joonmyun praises God for the cold weather: he can wear a scarf tomorrow and no one will question it. Dongjun sinks his teeth into Joonmyun’s collarbone, making the younger boy’s eyes flutter. He digs his fingers deeper into Dongjun’s back.

He feels Dongjun tangling his fingers in his hair and tugging gently. “You’re so pretty when you blush.” Joonmyun blushes deeper at those words. Dongjun chuckles. “So pretty.”

Dongjun snaps his hips forward, making Joonmyun’s mind go blank. He can barely form words. He wonders if the neighbors can hear him, and prays they can’t. He feels the knot in his stomach getting tighter and tighter. Dongjun’s grip is bruising by now and Joonmyun knows black and blues are going to decorate his hips and thighs. Dongjun moans loudly as he climaxes deep within Joonmyun. Joonmyun sees stars behind his eyelids as he holds tighter, the knot in his stomach coming undone. They lie there together, catching their breaths.

Joonmyun’s hands search for his sheet before he realizes it is indeed on the floor. He usually hides beneath it; shy about Dongjun’s piercing eyes. Dongjun rolls over on his side and Joonmyun feels his eyes surveying him.

“I’ve never seen you completely naked before. You always try to hide from me.”

Joonmyun hides his face in a pillow. “Don’t look,” he begs. “I don’t like my body.”

“Why?” Dongjun rubs Joonmyun’s side lightly. “I like it.”

Joonmyun turns redder behind his shield. “I’m so scrawny.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Dongjun pulls the pillow away. “Do you want me to tell you why I like your body?”

Joonmyun covers his face with his hands. “I have a feeling you will whether or not I want you to.”

“You know me well, beautiful.” Dongjun pushes Joonmyun’s hair off his forehead. “You have such pretty features. The first time I saw you I thought you were an angel. I was so happy when I saw you taking pictures. I finally had a reason to start talking to you.” Dongjun kisses his forehead. “I love your skin. It’s fair and soft. I even like that you bruise easily. That way everyone can see that you’re mine.” His thumb traces the line of red bites on Joonmyun’s throat. His fingers trail down Joonmyun’s torso to his still sticky stomach. “And you have a flat stomach.” He runs his hands over Joonmyun’s thighs. “And your thighs are sexy.”

“They’re fat.” Joonmyun deadpans.

Dongjun rolls his eyes. “You’re not too thin. I like that too. You have a little meat on your thighs. I love when you’ve got them wrapped around me.” He reaches to pinch Joonmyun’s butt, causing the younger to squeak. “And you’ve got a cute butt.”

“I’ve never wanted you to look. I was afraid you’d see…”

“But now I’ve seen them. You don’t have to hide from me. I’ll always love you.”

Joonmyun kisses Dongjun gently. “I love you too.” He blushes. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“When you asked me out, and I told you I had to think about it… I listened to people talk about you. I wanted to hear what people thought of you. And the overall sentiment was that a lot of people were attracted to you, or wanted you. And you chose me. You could have anyone, but you chose me. Why?”

“Because you seemed so different. There was something about you that I wanted. I was attracted to you physically too, but I wanted something else. I can’t really describe it well. I just felt more complete when you were around me. Does that help?”

Joonmyun nods slightly.

Dongjun kisses his cheek lightly. “Let me get you cleaned up.” He scoops the smaller boy up in his arms.

Joonmyun shrieks. “Dongjun! Put me down!”

“Never. I’m going to treat you like a prince. I need to take good care of you.”


	15. October - Chanyeol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 31 May 2013

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kWec4VlXMk) **Florence + The Machine** \- _Dog Days Are Over_ | “ _Leave all your love and your longing behind. You can’t carry it with you if you want to survive._ ” 

 

 

A small, redheaded tornado whirls into the library, reaches across the table, latches onto Wufan’s wrist and snarls a “hello Chanyeol, don’t mind me, I just need to borrow Wufan for a moment” before Chanyeol can finish blinking. He swivels in his chair to watch this stage-whispered spectacle. Angry Joonmyun is a rarity, and it’s always a slightly comical affair to watch Joonmyun trying to be tough. Even while slouching, Wufan still towers over Joonmyun which makes observing even funnier. Joonmyun has his hands balled up into fists; his face is nearly the same color as his hair. Wufan looks positively bored. Chanyeol has to bite his tongue to keep for snickering at the absurdity of it all.

It’s very clear Joonmyun is struggling to keep his voice at a library appropriate level. He shouldn’t be so concerned, there are only one or two other kids in the library and the librarian is hard-of-hearing anyway.

“Wu Yifan. How dare you disclose classified information to my boyfriend? You have no right! Why are you discussing our conversations with him?” Joonmyun clenches and unclenches his fists.

Wufan arches an eyebrow. “I was worried. I assumed you weren’t going to tell him the truth so I stepped in.”

“You. Have. No. Right.” There’s controlled venom in Joonmyun’s voice Chanyeol has never heard before. “I could’ve handled it.”

“Really now?” Wufan pulls himself to his full height. “You were on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Forgive me for trying to look out for you.”

“It’s not your place. I can see what you’re doing.”

There’s a dangerous glint in Wufan’s eyes. “Enlighten me, Joonmyun.”

“You can’t lie to me any better than I can lie to you. You’re being meddlesome! I know you don’t like him. You’ve never liked him. When you go and talk to him about my mental health you’re not being subtle! Quit meddling.” Joonmyun almost raises his voice too much.

“I wouldn’t meddle. I’m not that immature, Joonmyun.” Wufan snaps.

“But you are. That’s why I’m upset. My relationship is not any of your business. You have no reason to talk to my boyfriend about what I tell you. I’ll tell him everything when I’m ready to do that. You aren’t part of this equation, Wufan!” Joonmyun does raise his voice this time.

“That’s perfectly clear.” Wufan’s voice is low and deadly. Chanyeol shivers. “Anyway,” he brushes his fingers along the tassels of Joonmyun’s scarf. “It seems like you two made up.”

Joonmyun steps away from Wufan. “Be quiet. What I do is my business. Please don’t discuss unnecessary things with him anymore.”

Joonmyun throws a “bye, Chanyeol” over his shoulder before stomping out of the library. Wufan returns to his chair and slams his math textbook against the table making Chanyeol’s pencils jump off the surface.

“What was that about?” Chanyeol asks as he nervously lines up his pencils again.

Wufan shakes his head. “He’s mad at me for talking to his boyfriend.” He looks at Chanyeol. “If your boyfriend found out about something and you were afraid of his reaction, would you be angry if your friend went to clarify it for you?”

Chanyeol wrings his hands. “Well… it depends, I guess. If I had said I wanted to do it myself I’d be upset. But if it ended up being helpful in the end I don’t think I’d be mad.”

Wufan opens his notebook with more force than necessary. “I’m not meddling. I’m  _ not _ .”

“He’ll come around. It’ll be fine.”

“Sometimes I want to kick the crap out of that kid.”

“Who? Joonmyun?” Chanyeol is alarmed.

Wufan shakes his head. “Of course not. Never Joonmyun. His boyfriend. Sometimes I really want to hit that kid.”

Chanyeol chews on his bottom lip. “But why? I had a study hall with him last year… he seemed nice enough. And Joonmyun clearly likes him a lot…”

Wufan sighs. “I know. That’s why I can’t stand him. No one thinks he has any flaws at all. He’s just… ugh.” Wufan slams his notebook shut again. “I always have this fight with myself. It’s no wonder Joonmyun likes him so much. Anyone would pick him over me. I was kind of a tool last year.”

“You weren’t a tool to me.” Chanyeol offers.

Wufan’s lip twitch into a half-smile. “You were the only one who thought that way, Yeol. I lost count of how many people told me that I’d changed too much.” The bell rings for the end of study hall. Wufan scoops up his things. “I’ll see you around.”

“Bye,” Chanyeol calls as he gathers up his things. He joins the flow of traffic in the hallway as he makes his way to Japanese II. He meant to look over his homework before class but the fight distracted him. He sighs.

Chanyeol feels like he was trapped in some God-awful sickly sweet song about unrequited love. He was the singer, wailing with an acoustic guitar about how some perfect man would never look at him even though he was ideal boyfriend material. He reminds himself attraction couldn’t be forced as he sat down for his class. Joonmyun was in this class too, and he observes the other boy fiddling with his scarf. No matter how oblivious Chanyeol was, his big ears ensured he always knew school gossip. Luhan and Sehun were gossip mills anyway so he found things out inevitably. Jongdae’s enormous mouth also ensured everyone knew everyone else’s business. Jongdae had spent all of literature class cackling about Joonmyun’s scarf, much to the chagrin of everyone in the classroom.

“I’ve got PE with him this year, and hot damn, there are bruises and hickeys everywhere.” Jongdae slapped Minseok’s arm. “I told you Joon picked up a freak.”

“Kim Jongdae, stop being so crude.” Minseok rolled his eyes.

Jongdae opened his mouth again but Baekhyun slapped the back of his head. “Be really thankful he isn’t in this class, Jong. I don’t care if you find it funny but Angry Joonmyun isn’t something I want to deal with this early.”

“As if he could say anything…” Jongdae had muttered.

Chanyeol turns his attention back to his Japanese teacher who was now collecting homework. He hands his paper in and opens up his notebook. He doesn’t feel like paying attention to the lecture so he doodles on his paper. His thoughts end up crawling back to Wufan. He knew Wufan was currently in a mandatory art class, most likely on the verge of aggravated tears as he drew horrendous stick figures.

“My fingers are too long,” he’d argued once. “I can’t hold a pencil well and my handwriting is bad. Is it any surprise I can’t draw either?”

Chanyeol remembers many confusing birthday cards with UFO-shaped birthday cakes scrawled on the cover. Candles resembled fallen trees. Chanyeol told his mother so and got his ear pulled with a firm warning to tell Wufan that the card was ‘lovely’ and ‘thank you very much.’ He still had that card somewhere, probably mixed in with high school acceptance letters and other miscellaneous papers.

Yixing was in that class also, though Chanyeol assumed Yixing had signed up for it. Yixing had enough artistic skills for the twelve of them. The art teacher was really lenient about use of electronics in her classroom, so Yixing was most likely painting in a corner with headphones over his ears, tuned out to the activity of the rest of the students.

Chanyeol fishes through his bag and pulled out his most recent letter from Kyungsoo. They’d become de facto pen pals over the summer. Chanyeol updated Kyungsoo about happenings in Seoul and the school while Kyungsoo told Chanyeol how he was settling in.

_ Dear Chanyeol, how are you doing? How’s school? I’m doing fine. I’m in the choir here, but the setup is really different. The music director is really strict, but that’s not too bad. Ask Baekhyun and Jongdae what they’re singing in choir. We’re singing lots of stuffy church hymns. How’s the Kris situation? I hope it works out for you two. There’s not much happening on my end. Compared to Seoul, it’s pretty boring over here. But don’t worry too much; I’ve made some new friends who are showing me the livelier parts of Inchon. Write back soon! From, Kyungsoo. _

Chanyeol grimaced. How was the Kris situation? Dead on arrival.

 

Chanyeol is really starting to regret sitting with Minseok, Jongdae, and Zitao at lunch.

“Kim Jongdae, speak one more time about Joonmyun getting laid and I will personally tear off your testicles and nail them to your forehead.” Zitao growls. “You’re making my headache ten times worse.” He pulls out another candy cigarette and starting gnawing on it.

“Is it really that bad?” Chanyeol asks.

“Well the doctor is making me quit cold turkey, so yeah, it is that bad. I told him I needed one of those step-down programs but he wouldn’t listen. So it’s migraines every day.” Zitao rubs his temples.

Minseok pokes at his rice. “Well it’ll be worth it in the end.”

“It better be.” Zitao opens one eye. “How’s soccer practice?”

“Muddy and cold,” Minseok says grumpily. “I should’ve signed up for an indoor sport.”

Chanyeol shovels some rice into his mouth as Zitao says, “Well Dongjun was pushing all the spring runners to do cross country in the fall.”

Minseok snorts. “I barely survived those short runs. I couldn’t do cross country. Anyway, soccer is full of running. He’s going to be on my ass about coming back and doing track in the spring so I should keep in running shape.”

“Join basketball,” Chanyeol suggests with a mouthful of rice.

“Easy for you to say! You and Wufan are giants. I don’t think I come up to your shoulders.”

“Someone might mistake him for the ball.” Jongdae snickers.

Minseok flicks a piece of kimchi at Jongdae. “Well all you do is sit on your ass and sing, so shut up.”

“I happen to have a very nice ass.” Jongdae scoffs.

“It’s getting flat in the middle from sitting on it too much.” Minseok sneers. “Now shut up before you make me lose my appetite.”

Jongdae picks up a piece of kimchi. “Speaking of asses… how is Joonmyun still walking straight? He was running fine too. You’d think after getting plowed in the ass you’d at least limp a little bit…”

Minseok picks up his tray and plops its contents onto Jongdae’s tray. “Thank you, asshole, for ruining my appetite.”

Zitao glowers. “Watch your testicles, Kim Jongdae. You might not have them by the end of the day.”

Yup. Chanyeol was going to have to find somewhere else to sit for lunch.

 

“Wait, wait, wait… so you need to do what?” Chanyeol’s head is spinning. Geometry and Chanyeol were not going to be friends.

The teacher sighs huffily and turned back to the board to explain the steps once more. Sehun is beside him silently mouthing the steps to himself, his forehead creasing with confusion. “Is that clear, class?” the teacher asks.

“No.” Thirty kids reply.

The teacher groans audibly and turns back to the board, trying to translate the geometry into idiot so the kids could understand.

“I need Luhan,” Sehun groans. “He took geometry last year. He can help me.”

Chanyeol is still staring, wide eyed, at the board. Letters and shapes swim in his vision.  Geometry and Chanyeol are not going to be friends.

“So you need to do this and this to get that. Does that make sense?” Luhan peers at Chanyeol and Sehun.

“It makes more sense than it did in class.” Chanyeol offers. Sehun nods in agreement.

Luhan smiles serenely. “Anything else you need to talk about? I’m thinking about setting up free-therapy sessions.”

“You’d be good at it, Lulu. You’re good at listening.” Sehun gushes. “I got elected dance captain.”

“Oh, Sehunnie! Congratulations!” Luhan squeals, kissing Sehun’s cheek.

“But something’s wrong… Jongin didn’t flip lids when it was announced. You know how competitive he is. And he didn’t make a sound. Something’s wrong there. And Yixing wasn’t there at all. He didn’t even sign up.”

Chanyeol frowns. Even he knows that’s unnatural for both of them.

Luhan frowns. “I’ll talk to Xing. I’m not sure what we can do about Jongin, though.”

Sehun turns to Chanyeol. “How are you and Mr. Bitch-face?”

Chanyeol groans. “I give up with him. He’s not interested.”

“Is it because of what happened with Joonmyun? Joon was fuming about it in chemistry class.” Luhan frowns.

Chanyeol nods. “Apparently Kris spilled the beans about something Joonmyun doesn’t want people to know to Dongjun and Joonmyun got upset because he thinks Kris is trying to sabotage his relationship and then Kris got mad because he says he isn’t. It’s all so confusing. I don’t even know what Kris spilled the beans about.”

“Well Wufan will come around one of these days. That, or his jealousy really is going to ruin Joonmyun’s relationship and he’ll have completely destroyed any chance of getting with Joon. Don’t fret about it too much, Chanyeol. Wufan’s being an emotionally challenged ape, which is nothing new.” Luhan pats Chanyeol’s hand.

Chanyeol sighs and hopes Luhan’s right.


	16. November - Minseok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 7 June 2013 
> 
> Cw: discussion of eating disorder, self-harm

⎘ _Atonement_ by Ian McEwan | “ _It's like being up close to something so large you don't even see it. Even now, I'm not sure I can. But I know it's there_.”

 

 

Minseok wasn’t drooling on his chemistry notebook. No sir, he was not drooling. That slightly damp puddle his cheek was leaning in was the sweat he put into balancing freaking equations. Who the hell needed to know that anyway? When on earth was he going to need to know that if you mixed four grams of this you get sixty grams of that? He had no intentions of becoming a chemist. Or a mad scientist. So fine, sometimes he took naps in chemistry. Who could hold it against him? The teacher was crazy. And he was sitting next to the two Boy Wonders – Joonmyun and Luhan – the only two in the class who weren’t drowning in chemical equations. So yes, that was drool in his chemistry notebook.

Minseok wakes up just in time to overhear Luhan and Joonmyun arguing quietly. The three of them had sat at the table in the back of the room because the teacher had deemed them responsible enough to be unsupervised most of the period. There were a couple crazies in the front of the room, like Baekhyun who nearly burned his shirt off with a Bunsen burner the second week of school. Minseok wondered if it was too late to transfer to earth science.

Luhan’s asking Joonmyun about his boyfriend and Wufan. “It’s a love triangle.”

“It is not.” Joonmyun snaps. “Wufan just doesn’t like Dongjun. He’s jealous.”

“Can you blame him? You and Wufan used to be attached at the hip. He thinks you’ve replaced him with an older, more mature, more responsible, equally good looking albeit shorter, guy who happens to be really nice and treats you like a princess.” Luhan glances over at Joonmyun. “I know you understand that.”

“But why? There’s no reason. He never made any indication that he liked me as more than a friend. He told me after I started dating someone else!”

“But that’s why he’s upset. Someone got to you before he had a chance. It took him all year for him to muster the balls to confess but by then you had someone else.”

“It just feels so awkward.” Joonmyun groans. “I don’t know what to do. Let’s just say Sehun had a friend who wanted to date him. And you saw Sehun hanging out a lot with that friend. No matter how understanding you are, no matter how loving and committed you are, after a while… wouldn’t you get sick of seeing your boyfriend being so intimate with someone else?”

Luhan opens his mouth to respond but Joonmyun cuts him off. “Everyone has a breaking point. But I have no idea where Dongjun’s is. If Wufan continues to be my friend, acting like that and interfering, how long is it going to take before Dongjun thinks something’s up? I can’t tell, Luhan.” Joonmyun’s hands shake. “I can’t read him and it freaks me out sometimes.”

“Joonmyun, what are you saying?” Luhan’s voice hardens. Minseok lifts his head just a bit to hear better.

“I don’t know.” Joonmyun looks to be on the verge of tears. “I don’t know anything sometimes.”

The bell rang. Luhan pokes Minseok’s side. “Hey, wake up. Class is over.”

Minseok feigns yawning and blinking blearily. “That was a nice nap.”

“Coach is going to have your head if you start failing.”

Minseok shrugs. “He can deal.”

 

Jongdae stares daggers at the chalkboard. _Write a paragraph about your favorite part of Mandarin class in Mandarin using the grammar we learned yesterday. Due at end of period_.

“How many points will I use if all I write is Chinese swears?” Jongdae growls.

“Probably all of them.” Minseok sighs, pulling out a clean sheet of paper.

“Can mine be sarcastic?” Sehun asks. “My favorite part of Mandarin is all the fucking ‘s’ sounds that I can’t fucking pronounce correctly.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Just be glad we haven’t been forced to read characters. Chanyeol is always complaining about that in Japanese.”

“I hope we never have to.” Jogndae says.

“Not yet. That’s next semester.”

“ _SHIT_!” Jongdae screams, making everyone in the classroom and swivel in their chairs. Jongdae stares down the judgmental scowls as one by one the other students turn back to their paragraphs.

Minseok thinks this is going to be a long day.

 

The crowd at the lunch table has grown. Zitao sits at the head of the table, chain-chewing candy cigarettes. Minseok and Jongdae sit on either side of him, shoveling rice into their mouths. Baekhyun and Chanyeol sit beside Jongdae, tittering about something so moronic only they can understand it. Luhan and Sehun sit beside Minseok, cooing at one another and feeding each other, an act that solicits gagging noises from the table’s resident troll.

Joonmyun is also in this lunch, though he doesn’t sit with the others. He’s usually by himself, doing homework.

Today Joonmyun is standing near the door with his boyfriend. Jongdae points out that Joonmyun doesn’t look very good. Joonmyun’s face is red and blotchy, his eyes are watery, and he looks on the verge of tears. Dongjun keeps smoothing out Joonmyun’s hair. Their mouths are moving, but Minseok can’t make out what’s being said. Minseok notes the worried look on Luhan’s face and remembers chemistry class. He can’t help but wonder if Wufan had a part in that.

When Dongjun leaves the cafeteria, Luhan gets up to go check on Joonmyun. Minseok watches as Luhan touches Joonmyun’s shoulder. He can read Luhan’s lips, what’s wrong? Joonmyun shakes his head and wipes at his eyes with his sweater sleeve. Luhan prods more but Joonmyun continues to deny anything wrong. Luhan frowns. Joonmyun bites his lip.

Luhan drags Joonmyun over to their table. He jerks his chin to the side. “Minseok, move over.” Luhan plops Joonmyun into the seat between his and Sehun’s.

“This isn’t necessary.” Joonmyun grumbles. His voice sounds strained. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a cough drop. He unwraps it and pops it into his mouth.

Luhan sighs. “Here’s your support group. Joonie, we all love you. You don’t need to worry, okay? Something’s wrong. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. I told you already.” Joonmyun says.

No one seems particularly convinced. Up close, Minseok can see the bags under Joonmyun’s eyes. His lips are red and swollen. His eyes are bloodshot. His hands are shaking beneath the table. Minseok frowns. He’s never seen Joonmyun look so unstable.

“Joonmyun. Are you and Dongjun having problems?” Baekhyun seems embarrassed to pose that question and averts his gaze quickly.

“No. We’re fine.” Joonmyun replies a hint harshly. The whole table flinches.

“Then,” Sehun clears his throat. “Is it Wufan?”

Joonmyun’s head snaps up, eyes flashing with anger. He gets up from his seat, knocking over the chair in the process. Dozens of eyes zero in on their table.

“It isn’t about him.” Joonmyun nearly spits. “Not everything wrong with me has to come from either of them, you know. Aren’t I allowed to have my own problems?” He rounds on Luhan. “You don’t need to keep sticking your nose into my business. I don’t care about why you’re doing it, just stop. And if it was Wufan who told you to spy on me, tell him to fuck himself, okay?” His eyes sweep over the rest of them. “I know you care or whatever, but I don’t need you to do this. I don’t need any of your help.” Joonmyun turns on his heel and storms out of the cafeteria.

 

Minseok doesn’t see Joonmyun until last period. They have a study hall but Joonmyun fails to show up at the library. Minseok offers to go look for him and begins wandering the hallways. He can’t really shake what happened in the cafeteria. He doesn’t really know what a mental breakdown looks like, but he thinks Joonmyun’s outburst was pretty damn close. He understands, in a way. He used to feel the same sort of suffocating pressure when Tao would ask questions about his eating habits. He’d brush it off with varying degrees of ‘fuck off’ and Tao would usually get the message. He doesn’t know what Joonmyun’s going through, but he can tell whatever it was, it’s back with a vengeance. He understands that too. Sometimes when he reaches for one more piece of food a voice in his head maliciously whispers about calories and cholesterol and _fat, you’re so fat_. He knows how out of control the world seems in those horrible moments.

Minseok knows.

He finds Joonmyun in the senior hallway, punching lockers and crying hysterically. Dongjun is there too, gently trying to pull Joonmyun away.

“Beautiful, stop it. Just talk to me. Please, beautiful, you’re scaring me. What’s the matter?”

Joonmyun screams in the empty hallway, his agony echoes off the cold uniform tiles. “Everything hurts, Dongjun. Everything hurts.”

Dongjun pulls Joonmyun away from the lockers. Even from distance Minseok can see Joonmyun’s knuckles are swollen and bloody. Joonmyun’s shoulders heave up and down. “Tell me what hurts.”

Joonmyun waves his hands helplessly. “I don’t even know… my chest hurts. Everything welled up inside of me hurts. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what I want to do.”

Minseok isn’t prepared for what comes out of his friend’s mouth.

“I want to cut myself.”

Joonmyun starts to cry harder.

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t. But when I do it, I don’t think about how much I’m hurting. I feel so free.” Joonmyun stops abruptly. “What am I saying? _What am I saying?_ You think I’m crazy, don’t you? You think I’m crazy!” He pulls away from Dongjun.

“Joonmyun, stop. I don’t think you’re crazy. But you can’t hurt yourself.”

“But I want to hurt myself.” Joonmyun whispers in the empty hallway. “I need it to hurt somewhere else.”

“I don’t understand.” Dongjun’s voice is heavy with regret.

“If something else hurts, I don’t feel the pain.” Joonmyun explains. “I’m scared.”

Dongjun kisses Joonmyun’s forehead tenderly. “I’m right here, beautiful. I’ll take care of you.”

Joonmyun buries his face in Dongjun’s shoulder. Minseok sighs and leaves. The librarian asks why Minseok is late to class, clearly forgetting she sent him to go find Joonmyun. Minseok sits down at an empty and puts his head down. Joonmyun wanders in five minutes before the end of the period. His hands are wrapped up and he’s limping a little. Dongjun explains to the librarian some bullshit story about Joonmyun hurting himself somehow. The librarian takes it but warns Joonmyun not to be late anymore.

The bell rings for dismissal soon afterwards and Joonmyun quickly leaves again. Minseok notices the limp again and can figure how he and Dongjun compromised on easing Joonmyun’s hysterics. He sees Wufan walk past Joonmyun – the shorter boy doesn’t acknowledge Wufan at all – and sees Wufan noticing Joonmyun’s state. Wufan’s face flashes something stuck between desire to murder and desire to vomit. He feels bad for Wufan, but he feels worse for Joonmyun.

Minseok wants to chase after Joonmyun and tell him that he understands. He knows that dark ugly place full of self-loathing and voices that don’t stop. He wants Joonmyun to know that Minseok would listen if Joonmyun would speak about it. The words are heavy on Minseok’s tongue as he trudges home.

He sits at his desk and does his homework half-assed. His mom calls him down to dinner a little while later but Minseok declines.

He isn’t hungry.


	17. December - Kris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 10 June 2013
> 
> Cw: sexual content, non-consensual kissing

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5pM7yvIzVU) **Next to Normal** \- _Just Another Day_ | “ _It only hurts when I breathe_.”

 

 

Kris is really, really starting to hate himself.

It’s normal for a person to dislike himself, in fact, it’s usually fashionable. But Kris is beginning to despise himself with a passion that makes his stomach sick.

He hates that Chanyeol is so easy. He hates that he knew Chanyeol wouldn’t fight back. He doesn’t mean any of this, but he can’t stop himself. He hates that he doesn’t feel any remorse for this.

Kris knew Chanyeol wasn’t going to say no when he trailed his fingers down the nape of Chanyeol’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. He knew Chanyeol would fold into him as if he were supposed to be in Kris’s arms. Kris hates that under any other circumstance, this moment should be perfect. He hates it more that Chanyeol just feels wrong.

Chanyeol doesn’t have hair Kris can tangle his fingers in. Chanyeol’s arms are too muscular. His hips are too narrow. His legs are too long. He doesn’t blush the right shade of pink. His voice doesn’t crack the right way.

Everything feels wrong as Kris kisses Chanyeol more with his teeth than with his lips. It feels wrong that thin boxers are the only things separating them. Kris hates the way Chanyeol groans as he leaves hickeys on his throat. He hates that Chanyeol isn’t who he wants. He hates that he can’t stop wishing Chanyeol were someone else. He hates that Chanyeol thinks this is real.

Kris thinks he could have his way with Chanyeol and the other boy would allow it. Then he thinks he doesn’t want to be like Jongin, taking advantage of a friend. Though by now Kris doesn’t think he’s really that different from Jongin. Friends don’t do this to one another.

He pulls away from Chanyeol eventually, panting and sweating and babbling something about not being ready to go all the way. It’s just a lie, a lie to keep Chanyeol from knowing Kris doesn’t want him the way he pretends to. Chanyeol tells him something soothing, that they don’t need to, that they have time. Kris doesn’t have the decency to feel guilty about anything.

When Chanyeol leaves, Kris tries to wash all of his dirtiness off of his body. The water can’t be hot enough, the soap can’t penetrate his skin deeply enough. Kris thinks there’s a special place in hell for him, one where the people who just fuck everything up go.

Luhan talked to him a few months ago about laying off Joonmyun because he was stressed about Kris’s adverse effects on his relationship.

“I really understand, Wufan. I know you’re only looking out for Joon. But he doesn’t see you trying to help, he sees you trying to mess things up. I’m just going to tell you that if you do mess it up he’ll never want you. If that relationship comes to a natural end, maybe he’ll look at you, but if you ruin it he will never ever look to you.” Luhan sighed. “Just be careful, okay? I don’t think anyone wants to see you and Dongjun getting into a fist fight.”

Kris turns off the water. He really has no idea how he manages to ruin everything.

 

Jongdae sees everything. Jongdae hears everything. Zitao theorized once Jongdae’s uncanny ability to see and hear everything explained why he was so musically gifted: he saw and heard patterns and accents in music nobody else did. One negative side effect of that gift was the amount of gossip Jongdae found out.

“Nice hickey, Chanyeol. Who gave you that beauty? Is there a special someone in Park Chanyeol’s life? Spill it!” Jongdae grins like the Cheshire Cat. Kris was never fond of the Cheshire Cat.

Chanyeol blushes and tugs at his collar. Baekhyun and Minseok glare at Jongdae, no doubt plotting his untimely murder. Kris pretends not to be involved in this fiasco and stares out a window.

“Well? C’mon Chanyeol, tell me!” Jongdae pouts.

“Kim Jongdae, I will kill you.” Minseok groans. “Shut up right now.”

“But aren’t you curious?” Jongdae swivels back to Chanyeol, fixes the taller male with pleading eyes.

“It’s obvious.” Minseok hisses. He lowers his voice. “Wufan did that.”

“No way. Big idiot is obsessed with Joonmyun.”

“Luhan bitched at him.”

“So what? Wufan’s still only hard for Joon.”

Minseok mocks gagging. “Do you have to put things so crudely?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.”

“Just shut up before he hears you and beats the shit out of you. He never liked you anyway.” Baekhyun adds through his teeth.

Kris wonders why everyone thinks he’s such an asshole and then remembers that he’s everything people accuse him of. No wonder Joonmyun doesn’t want him. Compared to Joonmyun’s precious boyfriend, Kris is nothing but an immature boy who can’t control his emotions well. Dongjun is ideal for Joonmyun, who needs someone stable and loving. Kris is neither, really.

Kris can admit now that he had ulterior motives when he told Dongjun about Joonmyun’s fears. He wanted to scream when Dongjun – the goddamn saint – thanked him for his concern about Joonmyun. He was amazed Dongjun couldn’t see that Kris was trying, trying very hard, to interfere. He thought Dongjun was stupid for trusting him so blindly, but then again maybe some people don’t assume everyone is an asshole.

Kris groans and buries his face in his arms. Literature notes can wait.

 

Luhan finds him later, frowning. Kris sighs, and readies himself for a berating.

“What are you doing?” Luhan asks immediately, crossing skinny arms over his chest.

“What do you mean by that?” Kris sighs.

“I’m not an idiot. You’re playing with Chanyeol. Stop it.”

Kris turns away, not wanting to deal with this now.

“He’s not a substitute for Joonmyun. They’re different people. Pull your head out of your ass and look at Chanyeol for the person he is. Don’t play with his feelings, he doesn’t deserve that.”

“I don’t want to play with his feelings.” Kris says harshly.

“I have eyes. I saw those hickeys. If you don’t really want him keep your goddamn pants on, hear me?”

“I did. I don’t want him that way.”

“He isn’t a substitute for Joonmyun. How do you think playing with Chanyeol will help your harebrained scheme to seduce Joonmyun? It won’t. If anything, it’ll just piss everyone off and you’ll be a hermit like Yixing and Jongin.”

“I’m not trying to use him as a substitute.” Kris snaps. Lies. Lies. They’re all lies.

“I won’t be the only one yelling at you if you hurt Chanyeol.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” Kris sighs exasperatedly. “He feels wrong.”

Luhan rolls his eyes. “You’re delusional.”

“What do you want me to say, Luhan?” Kris finally loses it. “I’m using him. I’m using him because I know that he likes me and I knew he’d be easy to manipulate. I knew everything. I know he doesn’t realize that everything is a lie. I don’t feel anything for him. No, I don’t even feel guilty for using him. Is that what you want me to admit, Luhan? I’m a heartless bastard. It’s true.”

Luhan shakes his head. “You make it really hard for me to like you sometimes, Wufan. You’re really fucked up.”

 

Kris hates that he’s back with Chanyeol that same evening. Both of Kris’s parents are away on business again leaving his house empty. Kris bites into Chanyeol’s shoulder, eliciting a hiss from the other boy.

It shouldn’t be this way. Kris shouldn’t be taking this sick pleasure from Chanyeol who is so completely  _ unaware _ that it’s tragic. He shouldn’t feel twisted pride in bruising Chanyeol’s light skin. He shouldn’t wish he were touching someone else.

_ Get your head out of your ass and look at Chanyeol for who he is. He isn’t Joonmyun. _ Luhan’s sharp words echo in Kris’s skull. Luhan doesn’t understand, couldn’t understand, how Kris feels. Luhan is so happy, so blissfully ignorant of how much it hurts to love someone who doesn’t want you.

Chanyeol nips at Kris’s lower lip and Kris kisses him hard.

Luhan doesn’t know what it’s like to know that the person you want is sleeping with someone else. Kris finds it downright sickening to see Joonmyun in that state. Jongdae’s enormous mouth never helps the situation as he’s always yammering about what Joonmyun’s bruised body looks like in the locker room. Kris is just very glad he doesn’t have gym with either of them. He doesn’t think he could handle it.

Chanyeol tugs at Kris’s shirt impatiently, and Kris nearly tears it off. He pushes Chanyeol against his mattress and kisses him. Chanyeol wraps his legs around Kris. Yeah, Kris is pretty sure he’s going to hell for doing this.

_ Keep your goddamn pants on if you don’t want him. _

Fucking Luhan. Kris pulls away from Chanyeol. “I’m sorry, Yeol.”

Chanyeol sits up. “No, it’s okay. You don’t have to be sorry.” He rests his sweaty forehead against Kris’s shoulder.

Kris just nods, refusing to let the guilt in his stomach crawl into his skin. Chanyeol didn’t know how much Kris had to be sorry for.

 

“Wu fucking Yifan.”

“Luhan, get the fuck off my case.”

“Stop playing with Chanyeol. I’m serious. What you are doing to him is not okay.”

Kris ignores Luhan.

“How can you look at yourself?”

Luhan doesn’t know Kris doesn’t look in the mirror for long periods of time. He hates what he sees. He hates what he’s become.

“Does it even matter to you that you might really hurt Chanyeol?”

Of course it matters.

“I don’t get it, Kris. What do you do? Do you imagine fucking Joonmyun while you’re groping Chanyeol?”

Kris spins around nearly causing Luhan to crash into him. “Watch your mouth.” Kris snarls. “Don’t start with me, Luhan. You don’t know what it’s like to want someone who can’t stand you.”

“That is not an excuse for using Chanyeol.” Luhan grits his teeth. “There’s still a human somewhere inside of you. Why don’t you find him and tell him to grow up?”

“You are not my conscience.” Kris snaps. “I’m going to keep using Chanyeol if I want to. Mind your own business.”

 

Kris should’ve remembered Jongdae hears everything.

Chanyeol isn’t in school for a week. Kris calls him but gets no response. It doesn’t register in his mind. He just continues normally, oblivious to the death stares Baekhyun sends his way and the strange looks Joonmyun gives him. Luhan shakes his head whenever Kris passes by him. Kris starts to get suspicious.

Kris is sitting in the cafeteria when a voice calls out his name. “Hey, Kris Wu!”

Kris looks up to see a very angry Baekhyun coming his way, a frantic looking Luhan is on his heels. Baekhyun stops short in front of Kris, sloshing the contents of a lab beaker all over his face and down the front of his shirt. Luhan shrieks something about chemical burns as Kris stands up and wipes at his face. Whatever Baekhyun hit him with burns his eyes and smells.

Baekhyun throws the beaker at Kris’s feet and the glass shatters. “You heartless son of a  _ bitch _ .” Baekhyun spits. “Do you even have a heart? Who do you think you are? Who are you to use Park Chanyeol?”

Kris would glare at the shorter boy if he could open his eyes. They’re burning and Kris is worried he’s going to go blind.

“How dare you hurt him?” Baekhyun challenges. “He called you his friend. But what are you? You’re sick, Kris, you’re fucking sick.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Kris growls. He doesn’t even know how Baekhyun knows, though he figures Luhan opened his mouth.

“You’re the worst kind of person. Chanyeol trusted you. You aren’t human. You’re just disgusting.” Baekhyun turns on his heel. “Oh, Lu, calm the fuck down! I threw vinegar at him! I didn’t actually use acid. I wasn’t in the mood to go to prison, okay?”

Kris manages to find the bathroom where he scrubs at his face with ice water that flows from the hot tap.

He hears the door open. Joonmyun steps into the bathroom and hands him a tissue. “Luhan was blubbering about what happened.”

“Why do you care?” Kris mutters bitterly, wiping at his red eyes.

Joonmyun frowns.

“You don’t care about what happens to me.” Kris has half a mind to blame Joonmyun for this whole shebang.

“I do.” Joonmyun whispers. “I do care.”

“You don’t act like it.”

Joonmyun flinches. Kris continues. “You’re too worried about not upsetting your boyfriend.”

Hurt flashes in Joonmyun’s eyes. “You know why I’m like that. I told you the reason.”

“I wouldn’t make you feel that way.” Kris says.

Joonmyun steps backwards. “Don’t start this again, Wufan.”

Kris grabs Joonmyun’s wrists. “I never stopped.”

“Don’t do this.” Joonmyun whimpers. “Please let go of me.”

Kris yanks Joonmyun flush against him and kisses him. Joonmyun tries shoving him away but Kris holds onto Joonmyun like a drowning man clings to a rock. Kris holds on desperately, needing Joonmyun to understand that Kris has never gotten over their fights and their failed attempts at making things work. Kris needs Joonmyun to know he’s capable of doing things right.

The door opens. “Joonmyun?”

Joonmyun shoves Kris off of him, sending the taller boy stumbling. Dongjun stands in the doorway, looking perplexed. Kris glares at him, not bothering to mask his hostility. Joonmyun looks ready to have another nervous breakdown. “Dongjun.”

Dongjun’s eyes flicker between the two of them and Kris can almost see the wheels turning. Joonmyun starts shaking visibly. This is what Joonmyun fears. For him, it’s a nightmare come to life. This is what Luhan warned Kris about.

Dongjun’s voice is cold. “I see I was interrupting something.” He exits the bathroom, ignoring Joonmyun’s call.

Joonmyun shoves Kris again. “What have you done?!” he screams before running out of the bathroom. Kris follows him out; some sick part of him wants to see Joonmyun crash and burn.

Kris follows Joonmyun back to the cafeteria. Joonmyun grabs hold of Dongjun’s arm. Dongjun pulls away. “Please, Dongjun. It’s not what it looks like. Let me explain. Dongjun, I can explain.” Joonmyun reaches out again. “Let me explain.”

“I don’t need you to explain anything.” Dongjun says firmly.  
Joonmyun watches Dongjun walk away from him. He turns around and charges at Kris. He pounds at Kris’s chest with closed fists, tears streaming down his face. “I hate you. I hate you! I HATE YOU! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU _ IHATEYOU _ !”


	18. January - Jongin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 14 June 2013
> 
> Tw: discussion of sexual assault, self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ex-ICeh8y9g) **My Chemical Romance** \- _Famous Last Words_ | “ _I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone_.”

 

 

January is Jongin’s least favorite month.

He deluded himself for so many months that he hadn’t raped Kyungsoo. He’d convinced himself that Kyungsoo had wanted him as much as Jongin wanted Kyungsoo. He hadn’t been able to remember the event itself; he’d suppressed it.

It’s been a year now. He isn’t the person he was. He can see the concerned looks Sehun shoots him at dance practice. He hadn’t been upset when Sehun was given the title of dance captain. Jongin figured he didn’t deserve anything. He’d stolen a dance to earn a top spot on the team. He shouldn’t be a captain. Leaders were supposed to be honest.

Jongin tried so hard to connect with Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo didn’t answer his phone or reply to his texts. Jongin was stupid to think Kyungsoo would. Jongin hid in his basement when Kyungsoo’s family moved. He cried that night too. The gravity of never apologizing, never admitting he had been wrong, hit him. Kyungsoo would forever remember him as a monster who hurt him and permanently scarred him.

Jongin can remember raping Kyungsoo now. He doesn’t let himself ignore those memories. They stand out in his mind vividly, in a sharper relief. Suddenly he sees Kyungsoo’s tears that he had mistaken for water from the showerhead. He hears Kyungsoo whispering “no, no, no” under his breath when he’d been deaf to them. It makes him sick to think he’d put Kyungsoo, the person he cared for, through such a nightmare.

He isolated himself from the others. He knew they were probably disgusted with him. So he kept to himself and devoted himself to his schoolwork and dancing. He couldn’t repent for what he’d done, so he had to act like he could by being a better person.

Because of his self-imposed isolation, Jongin had missed out on a lot of gossip generated by his former friends. He knew a few basic things, like that Kris liked Joonmyun but Joonmyun had a boyfriend. He knew Chanyeol had a crush on Kris. He knew that the whole situation had exploded.

He hears the current events through the grapevine. Kris had been screwing around with Chanyeol and messing with Chanyeol’s feelings. Jongdae had found out via Luhan’s confrontation with Kris and Jongdae told, well, everyone. Baekhyun had thrown vinegar at Kris’s face and screamed at him. Joonmyun had gone to check on Kris, because even though Kris was eternally a dickhead to him, Joonmyun was a bleeding heart at best. But Joonmyun’s boyfriend had walked in on Kris forcibly kissing Joonmyun and had misinterpreted the situation and left in a huff. Joonmyun had attempted to beat the crap out of Kris, who deserved it really, and landed in detention for causing a ruckus along with Baekhyun for his vinegar throwing. The Byuns had raised hell in the office and had supposedly called for an investigation of Kris because Kris apparently had ‘a fetish for sexually assaulting emotionally unstable boys from broken homes’ or something like that. Kyungsoo’s family had raised the same kind of hell after Jongin and Yixing had fought in the cafeteria which revealed what Jongin had done to Kyungsoo.

Jongin watched the others carefully. Chanyeol had since returned to school. His smile was a little weaker, but everyone was supporting him. He was already popular, and his eternal struggles with enormous jerks only made him more sympathetic. On the other hand, no one seemed to be feeling sorry for Joonmyun, who lately resembled a sad, kicked puppy lost in a thunderstorm. Jongin didn’t understand why, Kris had not only fucked with Joonmyun’s brain he had single handedly trashed Joonmyun’s relationship. Jongin heard in the locker room via Baekhyun that Joonmyun and his boyfriend hadn’t officially broken up and they were trying to fix things, but it wasn’t looking favorable. Jongin felt sorry for Joonmyun. No one was reaching out to help him and Joonmyun looked like he was suffering immensely.

 

Jongin doesn’t know what propels him to sit beside Joonmyun on a park bench and say hello. Joonmyun looks over at him, confusion coloring his face. Jongin smiles a little and Joonmyun’s lips twitch up weakly.

“I’m not sure what I’m thinking now,” Jongin begins. “But I’ve been wondering if you’re okay. Whenever I see you, you look upset. No, that isn’t the word. Uh, it might be harsh but you look destroyed. I don’t know if I can do anything, but I just wanted to tell you I’m worried.”

“Thank you, Jongin.” Joonmyun says quietly. “You’re the only one who is worried.”

“I don’t know why not. Everyone’s fussing over Chanyeol but no one gives a rat’s ass about you.”

“Wufan did something horrible to Chanyeol.” Joonmyun says instantly. “He should be getting fussed over. He must be traumatized.”

Jongin frowns. “But doesn’t it bother you that no one is worried about you? Kris did something horrible to you too.”

“I’m used to no one caring.” Joonmyun breathes. “It’s okay.”

Jongin frowns again. Joonmyun’s sorrow is tangible, and Jongin suddenly can tell how badly Joonmyun is coping. “How are you and your boyfriend? I’m sorry, I don’t know his name.”

“Dongjun and I are trying to work things out.” There are tears in Joonmyun’s eyes now. “He’s unhappy with me.”

Jongin nods for Joonmyun to continue.

“He knows that Wufan kissed me and I didn’t want him to. But he didn’t know about Wufan kissing me back in June and confessing to me on top of it. He didn’t know Wufan and I were ever on bad terms with each other. He also didn’t know Wufan was always trying to break us up.” Joonmyun dabs at his tears with his sweater sleeve. “He thinks I was covering it up because I have a soft spot for Wufan. And I did, but I don’t think it’s there anymore.”

“But shouldn’t he believe you when you say it wasn’t anything?”

Joonmyun’s bottom lip quivers. “I understand why he’s upset. It doesn’t look very good, does it? I didn’t tell him about the way Wufan and I were. He thinks I don’t love only him. I wouldn’t want to date me either.”

“But you don’t like Wufan that way, do you?”

“It was only Dongjun. He doesn’t believe me.” Joonmyun starts to cry. “I’m scared. I don’t want to break up. Dongjun has been holding my hand for so long. I’ve just learned how to lean on him when I need him for support. Now what do I do? I don’t want to be alone.”

Jongin rubs Joonmyun’s shoulder gently. “I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s jealous, that’s what it is. He never saw Kris as competition but now that he does, he’s concerned. You and Kris used to be so close.”

“I hate him!” Joonmyun says viciously. “I told him to stop meddling and he’s ruined everything!” Joonmyun falters. “But it’s my fault too. It isn’t just Wufan.”

Joonmyun wipes his tears away. “What about you? No one’s seen you for months. Are you doing okay? Sehun is worried about you.”

Jongin nods. “I’m coming to terms with a lot of things. I’m just sorry I could never tell Kyungsoo I was sorry.” Jongin turns to Joonmyun. “Do you think he’ll ever forgive me? I did something to him that’s so completely unforgivable. Can he and I ever rebuild? He was my best friend.”

“It’s possible,” Joonmyun says softly. “It’s just going to be hard. You need time and patience. It won’t happen all at once.”

Jongin smiles. “If you think Kyungsoo and I can ever be friends again then I think you can overcome whatever is eating you alive.” Joonmyun looks shocked. “I can tell. You’re coping so poorly.” Jongin tugs Joonmyun’s sweater sleeve up, revealing cuts that weren’t made in the summertime. These are new. “Don’t do this. It doesn’t help.”

Joonmyun pulls his arm away. “What do you know?”

Jongin pulls away his collar, unveiling an ugly white line on his collarbone. “It doesn’t make you feel better in the end.”

Joonmyun’s eyes are full of tears again. “You too?”

Jongin nods. “I’ve learned that punishing myself isn’t going to make Kyungsoo come back to me. It isn’t going make what I did disappear. Kyungsoo will always have those scars. But I have those scars too. I don’t need to make more.”

Jongin pulls Joonmyun into a hug. It begins to snow. Fat snowflakes land in Joonmyun’s curls and Jongin’s tousled waves. They cling to Joonmyun’s long eyelashes and Jongin catches them in his palm. They’re just two broken souls trying to learn to mend.


	19. February - Luhan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 21 June 2013

⎘ J.M. Barrie | “ _Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience… and pimples_.”

 

 

“I never ever want to see Joonmyun kiss anyone ever again. Ever.” Jongdae rubs ferociously at his eyes until they turn pink.

“Oh calm down, Dae. It was just a kiss.”

“That cannot be called a kiss. It was some strange alien face-eating ritual.” Baekhyun pipes up, looking scandalized. “It’s nice they’ve made up but they could’ve spared everyone the dry humping and tonsil hockey.”

Luhan frowns. “It was not that bad. They excused themselves and went off somewhere.”

Jongdae’s jaw drops. “Luhan, are you insinuating those two went off and are having sex as we speak?”

A piece of kimchi slaps itself onto Jongdae’s cheek. “Don’t you dare put those mental images in anyone’s minds! I’m trying to eat here.” Minseok glowers.

Jongdae peels the kimchi off his face. “But Min, it’s true. Luhan just said that at this moment those two sex fiends are doing the nasty somewhere.”

“I did not!” Luhan whines. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“I bet Dongjun is putting something in Joonmyun’s mouth.” Baekhyun says darkly.

“Oh what the fuck! Not you too.” Minseok stands up, tray in hand. “I’d beat you both with this but I’d probably have to pay to replace it.”

“What did I miss?” Sehun asks sidling in beside Luhan.

“Dongjun apologized to Joonmyun and they’re officially back together. He was pretty dramatic about it too… he bought Joon flowers and a teddy bear and he stole a speech from a drama.” Jongdae replies. He reaches over to squish Baekhyun’s face in his hands. He drops his voice to mimic Dongjun’s. “Beautiful, I’ve been an idiot. I’ve been a jealous idiot. You know that I love you, don’t you? Please forgive me. I love you so much, Joonmyun.”

Baekhyun swats Jongdae’s hands away. “Cue Joonmyun bawling his eyes out.”

“Which leads to overenthusiastic making out and unnecessary dry humping.”

“And then the two of them excusing themselves to go fuck somewhere where people will hopefully not see.”

The contents of Minseok’s lunch tray miraculously land on Jongdae and Baekhyun’s heads. Baekhyun screeches and desperately tries to comb out the mixed pieces of kimchi, rice, and seaweed soup out of his brown curls. Jongdae gapes at Minseok forlornly.

“What have I told you about discussing Joonmyun’s sex life when I’m eating? Is eating in peace so much to ask?” Minseok hisses.

“But Min, they put it out there on display. They’re begging to be talked about!” Jongdae pouts. “You’re just jealous, I bet.”

Minseok scoffs. “Of what? Joonmyun probably won’t be able to walk tomorrow and he’s going to go around limping and then blush tomato red when people notice it. Anyway, Dongjun isn’t really my type.”

“He’s everyone’s type.” Baekhyun snaps pulling a piece of kimchi out of his shirt collar. “A bunch of heartbroken girls were talking about how lucky Joon was for snagging him.”

Luhan groans. “Stop it all of you. Minseok, sit down. Jongdae and Baekhyun will behave. Speaking of which, you two should go clean up.”

“But the bathrooms aren’t safe!” Jongdae protests.

“Why not?” Sehun looks puzzled.

“Joonmyun and his boyfriend are reigniting the flame of their passion in one of them!”

Luhan’s forehead makes contact with the lunch table.

 

“What are you doing down here?” Luhan stares at Wufan.

Wufan takes the attendance envelope from Luhan. “In order to pass art for the semester I have to do community service. I’m pretty sure the art teacher doesn’t want me back so she’s letting me do this. I gave up my study hall to type up records.”

Luhan nods. He figures Wufan is also trying to avoid Chanyeol by giving up his study hall.

“Why is Joonmyun absent?” Wufan grumbles as his long fingers dance over the keyboard. “He’s never absent.”

Luhan bites back the ten million things he could say. Wufan should be lucky the teacher didn’t pick Jongdae to ferry the attendance. Jongdae would probably have plenty to say about Joonmyun’s absence, considering he and Baekhyun placed bets on how long Joonmyun would be out of school due to various bodily pains from “copious amounts of makeup sex” as Jongdae phrased it.

“Twenty bucks he’ll sit out of gym because he can’t walk.” Baekhyun said.

“Thirty bucks he’ll just miss a day because he can’t _move_.” Jongdae said.  

Yes, Wufan should be happy it isn’t Jongdae here.

“I’m sure you heard,” Luhan begins carefully.

“Who hasn’t heard? You’d think Jongdae would lose his voice more often with all the talking he does.”

“He won’t stay mad at you. He and Dongjun made up. He won’t be all that friendly anymore, but he won’t stare you down or spit in your bean curd.”

“Don’t start, Luhan.”

“Sorry. I’m just looking out for my friends. Even the fucked up ones.”

“Gee, thanks.”

Luhan smiles sweetly. “I was serious though. Joonmyun won’t stay upset with you. He’s too nice to hold grudges like that.”

“Whatever.” Wufan huffs. A pause. “How is Chanyeol?”

“Recovering.” Luhan replies. “He’s been talking to Kyungsoo a lot these days. He says it’s helpful to talk to someone who understands his feelings.”

Wufan winces. “I really didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“I know. But it happened at you have to live with it. Chanyeol won’t be hurt forever. He’s an oxymoron. His feelings are delicate, but he’s amazingly strong emotionally. He’s dealt with assholes all along. You’re just another one in the queue.”

“Shit, Luhan, you sure know how to make a guy feel better.” Wufan snorts.

“I’ve realized you’re the kind of person who needs sour sugar. I came to you nicely once and you blatantly ignored me. So now when I put it in a harsher perspective you’re listening.” Luhan tilts his head to the side. “I don’t know how your brain works. You’re the reason why I’m interested in neurology.”

“Oh fuck you. Go to class.”

 

“Xing-Xing. Xing-Xing.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Aha! You finally cracked!” Luhan caws victoriously. “You can’t avoid me forever, Zhang Yixing.”

“Just leave me alone, Luhan.”

“No can do, Xing. We’ve been best friends for ten years now. Just because you’re going through a rough patch doesn’t mean I’m quitting on you.”

Yixing rolls his eyes. “No wonder you have Sehun entranced. You still believe in chivalry and all that bullshit.”

Luhan smiles serenely. “Yup, I’m a hopeless romantic and loyal to a fault.”

Yixing shakes his head. “One day it’ll burn you.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Luhan smiles again. “Sehun wants you on the dance team. He’ll let you join even though it’s late.”

Yixing shakes his head. “I don’t need dance team. I can dance on my own. I don’t need to interact with Jongin either.”

Luhan’s smile doesn’t falter. “You’ve changed, haven’t you? Usually you wouldn’t let things like that deter you.”

Yixing smiles. “Who says I’m being deterred? I’m auditioning for a talent company next month. I’ve been working by myself to develop my own sense of dancing style. I couldn’t do that in dance team where everyone has to function as a unit.”

Luhan nods. “I wish you well in your endeavors, Xing-Xing. You don’t have to cut us out completely. No one is mad at you anymore. Wufan’s our latest sacrificial lamb. And remember me when you’re famous, okay?”

Yixing snorts. “Whatever you say, Lu.”

 

When Joonmyun returns to school the next day (“Ha, Baekhyun you owe me thirty dollars!”) he’s glowing. And limping. And covered in bruises and hickeys. Jongdae has a few choice words about Joonmyun’s recent activities that earn him a few whacks from Minseok and Zitao. Luhan smiles at Joonmyun. He’s happy Joonmyun looks so cheerful.

“How are you?” Luhan asks in chemistry class.

“I’m happy.” Joonmyun replies with a smile. His skin seems to radiate light. “I haven’t felt this happy in months.”

“I’m glad.”

 

It’s Valentine’s Day and everything has been chaotic. The drama! The romance! It makes Luhan laugh a little. The freshmen were running around like headless chickens with chocolates and flowers and stuttering out confessions of undying affections. They’re fourteen, Luhan thinks, do they know what love is? Then again, he and Sehun became an item on Valentine’s Day. Luhan wonders if any of them will find someone to be with for such a long period of time. Luhan is stunned. It’s really been a year since he and Sehun have started dating.

So even after three hundred and sixty five days of holding hands and pecking lips and warm embraces and bubble tea, Sehun is still a nervous wreck when giving Luhan presents.

Luhan can always tell when Sehun is anxious. His boyfriend’s face, normally blank, contorts into strange, pained facial expressions. He flushes varying shades of red and he occasionally breaks out in hives. Most notably, Sehun’s lisp comes out in full force and his words get mangled as they make their way out of his mouth.

“This is Dongjun’s fault!” Sehun whines.

“Why?”

“Because he apologized to Joonmyun so romantically! I keep hearing people saying how they wish they had a boyfriend who acts like such a prince. He pulled out all the stops! Anything I do will pale in comparison.” Sehun thrusts his gift into Luhan’s hands. “It’s not fair. It’s Valentine’s Day _and_ our anniversary. He should’ve apologized in January and left February alone.”

Luhan sorts through Sehun’s gift. He smiles at the Bambi plush. Beside it, he finds his favorite chocolates because oddly enough Sehun is the only one who remembers he loves peanut butter truffles more than oxygen. There are flowers too, lilies. Sehun remembers that Luhan finds red roses slightly overrated and prefers white lilies any day of the week. And at the very bottom of the bag there are coupons for bubble tea at their favorite little shop.

Sehun is staring at his feet, face aflame. Luhan throws his arms around Sehun and kisses his burning cheek. “I have the best boyfriend. I love your presents because they just show how well you know me. That’s so much more romantic that ordinary teddy bears and roses.”

Sehun returns the embrace. “I love you, Lulu.”

“I love you too, Sehunnie. Happy anniversary.”


	20. March - Baekhyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 20 July 2013

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dr1FGGrPKhk) **EXO-M** \- _Heart Attack_ | “ _Without leaving any oxygen behind, only thick silence remains, a tranquility I’m about to choke on_.” 

 

 

Baekhyun should not be stressed out. It’s bad for his health. What’s there to stress about anyway? He’s passing all his classes with flying colors (save for Mandarin II because the teacher is now beginning the foray into deciphering characters; Jongdae is plotting a boycott as his grades begin to slide down the toilet). He got a callback for the musical and will probably get a better role than last year. His acne isn’t acting up like it sometimes does in the early spring. His friends have settled down and lunch is a peaceful affair. So why is Baekhyun stressed?

Baekhyun is stressed on behalf of Chanyeol. His tall friend signed up for baseball again despite his protests because Wufan is doing baseball again too and ‘Chanyeol, I thought the plan was to avoid him.’ Though Chanyeol contends he is fully capable of coexisting with Wufan, Baekhyun worries because it’s  _ Wufan _ .

Baekhyun was more worried after the initial incident. Chanyeol missed some school because he was upset. He found solace in talking to Kyungsoo who understood Chanyeol’s feelings. Of course Wufan didn’t do to Chanyeol what Jongin did to Kyungsoo – and Baekhyun went to church for a whole week after school to give thanks for  _ that _ – but Kyungsoo knows how Chanyeol feels nonetheless.

“Mmm, Kyungsoo says it like this: they didn’t do it because they’re inherently horrible people, because they aren’t. But they’re confused people looking for an outlet and we happened to be convenient.” Chanyeol explained to Baekhyun one day.

“That doesn’t make it okay.” Baekhyun said.

“Of course it doesn’t. But to move on we need to understand why it happened. Jongin was grappling with his sexuality. He was attracted to Kyungsoo and acted out on his physical attraction without considering the emotional fallout. Wufan was trying to like someone else because he had argued with Joonmyun and Joonmyun is already dating. He knew I had a crush on him and exploited that.”

“They’re pigs.” Baekhyun said savagely. “They need to be neutered so they can’t populate the earth with their demon spawn.”

Chanyeol chuckled and patted Baekhyun’s hand. “Being angry doesn’t change it. It happened. So we have to deal with it.”

“I wish it hadn’t happened to you.” Baekhyun sighed miserably. “I wish it had been anyone else. But not you. It’s not fair all these crappy things happen to you.”

“It’s okay, Baek. I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

Chanyeol shrugged. “Don’t worry about me, Baek. I’ll be fine.”

“I thought you weren’t going to do baseball.” Baekhyun muttered.

“Well I decided that I like baseball more than I want to avoid Wufan.”

“I swear if he so much breathes near you wrong I’m going to fuck him up.”

Chanyeol laughed. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”

“I’d tell that to his face but the principal would have a cow.”

“Well, you kind of aren’t allowed to throw vinegar at people.”

Baekhyun snorted.

So Baekhyun doesn’t get in Wufan’s face. Not because, as Jongdae so kindly pointed out, he’d probably have to get on a stepstool, on his tiptoes, while wearing insoles to even get close to the giant douche’s face, but because Chanyeol would not like Baekhyun causing conflicts. He bites his tongue around Wufan and keeps himself from glaring at him. Think of Chanyeol, he tells himself. All he wanted to do was make Wufan’s life hell. Think of Chanyeol. Peaceful, forgiving Chanyeol. The Chanyeol who was like his brother. The Chanyeol that he  _ loved _ …

Baekhyun jolts upright in his chair, disturbing the person sitting beside him. Wait… what? Baekhyun could say with varying degrees of certainty that what he felt for Chanyeol was strictly platonic. He’d seen the boy pee his pants for Christ’s sake. And Chanyeol had seen him throw up in the duck pond. And he’d seen Chanyeol walk into a pole. And Chanyeol had seen him singing Girls’ Generation songs at the top of his lungs with his younger brother. They were so close. He didn’t like Chanyeol as a lover. And yet whenever Baekhyun thought about Wufan running his hands over his Chanyeol’s skin his stomach roiled. But that was a normal reaction, Baekhyun theorized. No person wanted to think about someone violating the person akin to a brother. If Wufan had actually laid hands on his brother, Baekhyun would’ve been just as furious.

Baekhyun feels confused. Chanyeol’s smile made his stomach do happy somersaults. It didn’t make sense. He knew he didn’t like Chanyeol that way. Curse his body for feeling so tingly around him.

 

Chanyeol is sunburned.

“I thought I bought you sunscreen.” Baekhyun says accusingly. They’re in the Parks’ tiny bathroom, Chanyeol sitting on the toilet seat as Baekhyun hovers, bottle of aloe gel in his hands.

Chanyeol smiles sheepishly. “Forgot to put it on.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and he squeezes some of the gel onto his fingers. “You’re the type that burns easily. Wear it next time, okay?”

Chanyeol nods. Baekhyun rubs the gel onto Chanyeol’s reddened cheeks. His ears, Baekhyun notices, are red and peeling. He massages Chanyeol’s ears, tugging at them gently. “Elf,” he says playfully. Chanyeol smiles warmly at him.

And suddenly the bathroom is way too small to accommodate the both of them. Baekhyun’s heart races in his chest and the room is too hot. He feels himself break out into a sweat. He feels Chanyeol’s hand on his arm. “Baek? Are you alright?”

No he is not alright because it is too hot for existence in this bathroom and it is only March and that’s just not right and Chanyeol’s hand is too hot on his already hot skin and nonononononononono he is not getting hard right now can the floor just swallow him whole and holy shit Chanyeol is staring at the boner that isn’t happening right now and  _ FUCK _ .

Baekhyun runs out of the bathroom and dives headfirst into Chanyeol’s bed, burying himself in blankets and tries feebly to suffocate himself. He could die from sheer embarrassment. He feels the bed dip beside him and the covers being ripped off of his curled up form.

“Baek, talk to me please.” Chanyeol’s deep voice is full of concern.

Baekhyun curls up into a smaller ball. “I’m sorry,” he whimpers.

“What’s there to be sorry about?”

“Dude… I just popped a boner in front of you! I’m sorry. This is so awkward.”

Chanyeol pats his head gently. “It happens. Penises just do whatever they want.”

Baekhyun lifts his head slightly. “I’m just sorry. I don’t know why I’m like this.”

Chanyeol ruffles his hair gently. “It’s okay. I’m not freaked out. We’ve been through so much together. You’ve seen me pee myself.” Chanyeol grimaces slightly at the memory. “It’ll take a lot more than that to get me to run away.”

“Thank you, Yeollie.” Baekhyun shifts over to lean against Chanyeol. “I’m confused about how I feel about… well, you. I love you like a brother, but I don’t know if I like you more than that. I don’t think I do, but I’m confused.” Baekhyun takes a deep breath. “When I think about Kris touching you I just want to pick up a chair and hit him with it. But I’d do the same thing in any situation.”

Chanyeol rubs his back gently. “I love you like a brother too, Baekhyun.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so confused. I don’t know how I feel.”

“You’ll figure it out, Baekhyun. You always do."

 

Baekhyun’s awkward encounter and subsequent heart-to-heart with Chanyeol don’t do much to help him out of his haze of confusion. He still doesn’t understand why the air feels so electric around his best friend.

He keeps this secret to himself, not trusting the big mouths on the rest of his friends. He supposes he’d trust Joonmyun to listen to his dilemma, but the boy was wrapped up with his boyfriend, the two closer than ever. Baekhyun sighs, unsure of what to do with these completely unwelcome feelings. Why does his chest tighten whenever he sees Chanyeol in his baseball uniform? Why does he blush whenever Chanyeol ruffles his hair? Why does he feel like he can’t breathe whenever Chanyeol smiles at him?

It’s frustrating beyond belief and he finally finds he needs to vent and rant and just have complete verbal diarrhea in study hall with Joonmyun. They sit in the quietest corner so Joonmyun can tutor Baekhyun in chemistry in peace. When they sit down, everything comes tumbling out of Baekhyun’s mouth.

“I think I’m in love with Chanyeol and this is really not okay.”

Joonmyun blinks at him. “Come again?”

“I think I’m in love with Chanyeol and this is really not okay.”

“Why do you think that?”

Baekhyun launches into his epic story of horror and Joonmyun listens. “I’m so confused and it’s really stressing me out.”

“Do you think maybe it’s not Chanyeol you have feelings for?”

“What?”

Joonmyun taps his pencil against his chin. “Do you think maybe you like someone else, but you just think it’s Chanyeol? He’s been hurt and your heart hurts for him because he’s like your brother. So your heart opens up and you think you like him, but it isn’t really him.”

“But I haven’t even thought about liking anyone else.”

Joonmyun shrugs. “It was just a theory.”

 

Fuck Joonmyun and his theories. Baekhyun is more confused than ever. And while he’s at it, fuck Jongdae too because he’s the new source of Baekhyun’s never ending confusion.

Baekhyun wants to hit his head against a wall. Repeatedly. His infatuation with Chanyeol seems to have passed; it’s simmered back to the brotherly love he can understand. Jongdae, unlike Chanyeol, is gross in every way and Baekhyun’s skin should not tingle when Jongdae is in close proximity. And to think last year they wanted to murder each other.

Chanyeol, surprisingly, is all for Baekhyun’s newfound attraction. “Maybe it was him all along,” Chanyeol muses. “Jongdae’s a nice guy.”

“He’s a troll.” Baekhyun corrects. “A gross, awkward troll.”

“But you like him.”

Baekhyun turns bright red. “I’m losing my mind.”

“You’ll figure it all out.”

Baekhyun decides to go consult Sehun, who is, according to Jongdae, the all knowing deity of crushes. He was the one who first figured out Chanyeol was crushing on Wufan. Baekhyun decides to just ask.

Sehun stares at him blank faced. “It’s kind of obvious. You get all tense around him.”

“What should I do?” Baekhyun whines.

“Confess, duh. It’s easier once you get it off your chest.”

 

So confess Baekhyun does.

He finds Jongdae in the music room, sitting at the piano. Music sheets are spread out in front of him, his songs from the musical. He’s got a pencil between his teeth and his brow is creased in concentration. Baekhyun feels his heart beat faster. Fine, when Jongdae isn’t being a gross, awkward troll he could be incredibly handsome.

Baekhyun approaches the piano slowly and leans over the top. “Hi, Jongdae.”

Jongdae pulls the pencil from his teeth. “Hey, Baek.”

His name sounds glorious coming from Jongdae’s soft looking lips. A crazy thought enters his brain: oh how he wants to kiss those lips. He comes in closer. He could very well be invading Jongdae’s idea of personal space but he doesn’t really care.

And suddenly, his hands are clutching Jongdae’s jaw (which was drawn with a ruler) and kissing his lips with passion Baekhyun didn’t know he had.

When he draws away, Jongdae’s eyes have bulged. His jaw has dropped. Baekhyun bites his lower lip, suddenly feeling as if he’s made a huge mistake.

“I like you, Jongdae.” He says, voice quaking.

Jongdae doesn’t meet his gaze. “Baekhyun, I like  _ girls _ .”

Baekhyun wants to shrivel up and die. Just fuck his whole life.


	21. April - Zitao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 28 July 2013

⎘ _The Waste Land_ by T.S. Eliot | “ _April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain_.”

 

 

The ground had finally shaken off all remnants of winter. Flowers had crept up from the soil and Zitao, on a leisurely stroll, noticed many blooms lining his path. The air was warmer; all of the lingering chilliness had vanished. All sports and spring extracurricular activities were mid-way in season. Zitao and Minseok had decided to do track again. His small friend was eating normally again but Zitao kept an eye on him. He didn’t want to endure another episode in a hospital.

School was an awkward affair these days. The group had seemed to splinter even more. The lunch table had shrunk. Jongdae had come to him and Minseok, dazed, and explained that Baekhyun had confessed to him, a shock, and Jongdae had rejected him. In the following days, Jongdae complained that musical rehearsals and classes were incredibly awkward. Baekhyun and Chanyeol migrated to a different lunch table. Jongdae and Baekhyun sulked at their respective places.

The locker room occasionally saw crowding because track and baseball overlapped practice times. Zitao thought having Wufan and Dongjun in the same room was dangerous and he found himself holding his breath whenever the two teams needed to share the locker room. You never knew when one of them, more likely Wufan, would snap and start a fight.

Joonmyun and Dongjun seemed closer than ever, their trips and falls had only strengthened them it seemed. That being said, talking to Joonmyun was a rarity. Anyone else might’ve thought the boy was avoiding everyone, but Zitao didn’t think it was a conscious thing. He’d gone through a terrible scare: anyone with eyes could tell Joonmyun was terrified at the prospect of losing Dongjun. He was trying to make up for the time they’d lost because of their misunderstanding. Even so, Zitao wished Joonmyun wouldn’t close himself off to the people he’d known in childhood.

To Zitao, it felt as if he were on the outside looking in. His time thus far in high school had seemed terribly nondescript compared to his friends. He wasn’t failing any classes, wasn’t dating anyone (and wasn’t terribly interested in dating anyone), wasn’t under any kind of strain, and wasn’t at odds with anyone. He was coasting, he realized, surfing through the crowded existence of the hallways, keeping his nose clean and avoiding trouble. What mark could he leave on this school if he hadn’t done anything?

He was merely on the sidelines, watching his friends’ triumphs and falls. He did nothing as the world, like a phoenix, burned away and rebuilt itself. He’d done nothing for Jongdae freshman year when he needed Mandarin help, even though he would’ve done it. He didn’t help Luhan coax Yixing away from his revenge plans, only listened to Luhan complain about it. He didn’t reach out to Kyungsoo even though he felt a change in the boy after being attacked by Jongin. He had suspected Minseok for weeks but he’d been unable to prevent his friend from fainting. He’d only been able to yell and cry when Minseok was in the hospital. He’d been unable to talk Wufan away from chasing Chanyeol when he was insincere, again he’d only listened to Luhan’s whining. He’d even been unable to extend a hand of comfort to Joonmyun who looked, in those months separated from Dongjun, to be in excruciating emotional pain. The most he’d done was help talk Sehun out of a bathroom stall on Valentine’s Day last year and snap at Baekhyun in a different bathroom.

Zitao didn’t feel obligated to do any of that, and yet he found himself wishing he could’ve maybe done something for anyone. The feeling sat strangely in his stomach. He didn’t know where the onslaught of these feelings had come from; he only knew he wanted it to go away.

 

“What do I do?” Jongdae whines, rubbing his face against the cafeteria table. “It’s so awkward. We can’t look at each other. We can’t talk.”

“Well of all the things to blurt after a confession… _I like girls_. Seriously, Jong?” Minseok rolls his eyes. “And don’t rub your face on the table. It’s dirty.”

“What else was I supposed to say?” Jongdae sputters. “It’s true!”

“Doesn’t mean you say it out loud! You could’ve been nicer about it.”

“He kissed me! A guy kissed me! What would you say if that happened to you?”

Zitao starts chewing on a candy cigarette. Everything gave him headaches these days. Listening to Minseok and Jongdae bicker was trying at the best of times, but at the worst of times it brought on mental pain. He tunes out the words tossed between the two others and let his vision refocus on Joonmyun’s hunched figure at the other end of the cafeteria.

A textbook was open in front of Joonmyun, and even from a distance Zitao could see Joonmyun’s eyes scanning the pages. He frowns. Part of him wants to go over and ask Joonmyun if he was okay, or what he was reading, but another part of him keeps him glued to his seat. A bystander yet again.

 

“I’m going to go and smack some sense into Jongdae later. All he has to do is freaking apologize and everything will be fine and dandy. Peaches and cream and all that shit. He’s being an enormous asshole, as usual.” Minseok rants as he changes into his track shorts. “What do you think, Tao?”

“Even if he apologizes I think it’ll still be awkward. Does Jongdae really not like guys?”

Minseok shrugs. “How am I supposed to know? He was a weird kid. He did both things: he looked up girls skirts and peeked over the urinals in the bathroom.”

“Oh yeah I remember that… he laughed at Wufan and got slugged in the nose. How old were we? Six? Yeah, that’s why Wufan hates him so much.”

Minseok snorts. “Well that’s trivial. Now no one really likes Wufan. Well that’s what he gets for being a giant douche.”

Zitao rolls his eyes and he pulls his training top on. “Luhan doesn’t think Joonmyun will stay mad at him for long.”

“Joonmyun couldn’t stay mad at _anyone_ for long.”

Dongjun calls for the runners to huddle up so he could discuss the agenda. There were two meets coming up in May and Dongjun, very desperately, wanted to come out on top during his final year. Zitao finds himself tuning out and wondering what Joonmyun sees in the captain. Dongjun was nice enough, and attractive enough, but he seemed borderline obsessed with sports. Behind the scenes did he put aside his competitive spirit to cuddle with Joonmyun? It seemed unlikely and would likely prompt snickering from any macho buddies he had lingering around. Unless he didn’t care. Which was possible.

Zitao’s event was the high jump so he got to wait while the relay runners did their practice. Minseok was the third runner and Zitao was relieved he wasn’t swaying. The last time Zitao had been able to observe Minseok on the track was last year, when Minseok had collapsed. He’d been there, albeit a little too late, but there. He smiled to himself as Minseok received the baton and took off running. His friend looked good, healthy. That was what mattered.

There was another high jumper, a freshman on an athletic scholarship. He was almost as tall as Zitao, and full of youthful exuberance. He’d played pretty much every sport that year. Minho was Dongjun’s heir apparent. They stretched together, chatting a little. Minho was in Mandarin so he attempted to talk to Zitao in Mandarin. His effort was laudable, yet laughable since he was so terrible.

Training ended with a cramped locker room. Baseball was coming back from their field and the whole locker room reeked of sweat and testosterone. Minseok mimes gagging. Zitao chuckles. Zitao changes quickly, toweling off his sweat. He’ll shower at home. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Wufan staring holes into his locker and clenching his jaw. He clearly was having a bad day and sharing a locker room with about forty other smelly guys was probably not helping. Zitao hopes everyone could get out of the locker room without a fight breaking out.

Minseok starts complaining about something as they leave, probably the strict words Dongjun had for the relay runners. Dongjun himself was a hurdler and a sprinter, but involved himself somehow in every event. Namely, by berating the participants and giving copious amounts of, usually unneeded, advice.

“I know how to receive a baton.” Minseok grumbles. “He doesn’t need to explain it.”

“He wants to win.” Zitao replies. “It’s his senior year and he’s the captain. Track is his baby.”

“He needs to get laid.” Minseok snorts. “Joonmyun should relieve his tension or something. Dongjun has an unhealthy love of track.”

“Kim Minseok, you just sounded like Jongdae.”

“Is it weird that I miss Jongdae being creepy? After listening to him whine about Baekhyun I’d rather listen to him write odes to Joonmyun’s sex life.”

“Once he gets back to normal you’ll regret wishing for that.”

 

Zitao literally walks into Yixing on the staircase. The shorter boy had his headphones on and was carrying a stack of art sketchbooks. By bumping into Zitao, all of the sketchbooks went scattering down the stairs.

They both stoop to pick them up. “Why do you have music on in school?” Zitao asks.

“The art teacher loves me. Most talented painter she’s had in years she says. I get to sit in the corner and paint all class listening to music. I also get to watch everyone else struggle to sketch. She kicked Wufan out of the class because he was beyond hope.” Yixing flips open one of the books, revealing horrendous excuses for stick figures. “Wufan gets to type up school records from antiquity as an exchange for passing art without being in art class.”

“Sounds like a good deal. What have you been up to? We don’t see too much of you.”

“I auditioned for a talent agency. They haven’t called me back yet. I’m a little disappointed but if there’s any place to become a star, it’s Seoul.” Yixing replies. “And you?”

“Same as always. Trying to quit smoking. The headaches get pretty bad.”

“Well at least no one is going to bitch at you for stinking up the bathroom.”

“That’s true.” Zitao helps Yixing gather the sketchbooks back into his arms. “Take the headphones off and watch where you’re going.”

Yixing rolls his eyes. “Yes, Mom. I’ll see you around, Tao.”

“See you, Yixing.” A pause. “And quit avoiding us!”

“You sound like Luhan.”

“It’s all old news by now. Let’s be friends. We can hold hands and sing songs and all that shit.”

“I’d say we could pass around the peace pipe, but you’re trying to quit…”

Zitao smiles. “Take your headphones off for once and talk to us.”

“Whatever you say, Tao.”


	22. May - Sehun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 1 August 2013

⎘ Irwin Edman | “ _Life is always at some turning point_.”

 

 

Had anyone told him being dance captain came with all of the responsibilities, say, of being class president, Sehun would’ve turned down the offer. Alas, no one informed him and now Sehun was rubbing circles into his forehead trying to dull the headache steadily creeping into his brain. The summer dance showcase was supposed to be the big deal event for dance team. There were group pieces along with solos and duos and trios and whatever else. And he, as dance captain, has so coordinate them all. He has no head for any of this and he decides he needs to break this news to his dad, who keeps hinting that Sehun should pursue a career in business. The old man won’t be heartbroken for too long.

Sehun finds it more annoying that Jongin, who he knows is not blind or deaf, hasn’t signed up for any of the individual dances. It’s starting to get on Sehun’s nerves. At first, he was a little surprised at Jongin’s overall lack of competitive spirit, but after getting used to it he thought it was nice without all of the attention-whoring. There’s a crop of freshman who are driving him up a wall with their over-the-top nonsense. But now Jongin’s lack of enthusiasm is annoying Sehun. He figures this is part of some repentance program Jongin’s undertaken, but it’s so unnecessary.

“Remember,” Sehun waves the signup sheet at the end of practice. “This Friday is the deadline. If you want to sign up stay after and sign this if you haven’t already.”

Two of the attention-whoring freshmen stay behind to quickly sign up before scuttling out noisily. Jongin is still in the studio, carefully folding his training clothes up.

“Are you signing up, Jongin?” Sehun asks.

Jongin shakes his head and Sehun rolls his eyes. “You are allowed to do this, you know.” His eyes scan the list in his hands. “And you could dance much better than anyone else on this list.”

Jongin shoots him a cold look. Sehun feels his blood getting hotter in his veins.

“I don’t want to do it.”

Sehun stomps over to Jongin and shoves him hard. Jongin stumbles and falls against the mirror. “Would you stop playing this ‘I’m a martyr’ game?” Sehun hisses. His reflection is red-faced and he can hear his lisp getting worse because of his anger. “Stop being a little bitch and living in the past. Kyungsoo is moving on, Chanyeol talks to him all the time. He is fine. You need to move on too. Just fucking audition for me, okay?”

“I’m not playing, Sehun.” Jongin hisses.

“Beating yourself up isn’t going to change anything. I bet you’re flogging yourself too, like those old crazies we watched in history class.”

Jongin flinches at the mention of flogging. Sehun notices it but doesn’t let it show.

“Just leave me alone, Sehun.” Jongin says as he leaves.

Sehun kicks the mirror angrily.

 

“I just don’t get it, Lulu.” Sehun whines.

Luhan pets his hair. “I don’t either, Sehunnine. But you just need to let Jongin do what he wants to. It’s his life. You’re not responsible for him.”

Sehun sighs. “I know.” He tilts his head back to look up at Luhan’s face. “Your bed is soft.”

Luhan laughs lightly. They’re sitting on Luhan’s bed, Luhan leaning against his wall, Sehun’s head resting on Luhan’s lap. Sehun sighs again. “Next year I don’t want to be captain again. It’s too much work.”

“You don’t have to be. You did good work this year. They’ll understand. Next year is an important one for academics. Tell them you’re worried about your grades.”

“Next year will be better though. No more Mandarin.”

“You wound me. You don’t want to learn my mother language?”

“I’m sorry, Lulu. I know the most important phrase though.”

“What’s that?”

Sehun leans up to peck Luhan’s lips. “ _Wǒ ài nǐ_.”

 

“Sehun? Joonmyun is here to see you.” Sehun’s mom calls.

Sehun is surprised. “Sure. Hey, Joonmyun.”

Joonmyun curls up on Sehun’s bed. His face is red and his eyes are glassy. “Are you okay?” Sehun asks, worried.

“Dongjun introduced me to his parents.” Joonmyun wipes at his face. “They are not pleased.”

Sehun feels his stomach sinking. “They didn’t chew you two out because you’re gay, did they?”

“No. I wish it had been that.” Joonmyun’s lip quivers. “How could such a nice, warm person be the son of two people who are just so… _mean_?”

“What did they say to you?” Sehun feels panicky.

Joonmyun sits up and rubs at his eyes. “They asked Dongjun why he picked someone so plain. They couldn’t believe that I have nothing special about me. I’m not in any extracurricular activities that colleges like to see, like sports, and my grades are only average compared to the rest of the country. And my hair is stupid.” More tears leak out of Joonmyun’s eyes. “They couldn’t believe their perfect son would pick someone so boring and ordinary.”

“Joonmyun, you can’t listen to those people.”

“They’re his _parents_. I wish they’d been mad about their son dating a boy; at least I’d have been able to say something back. But they told me the truth. I’m nothing special. Compared to Dongjun, I’m completely inadequate. It’s just hard to hear that from people you wanted to impress.”

Sehun pulls Joonmyun into a hug. “You aren’t inadequate. You’re perfectly fine the way you are. Dongjun picked you. His parents will learn how to deal with that.”

Joonmyun sniffles. “I don’t think I want to talk to them again.”

“How did Dongjun react to his parents berating you?”

“He argued with them a little. He defended me. I was too humiliated to talk.” Joonmyun wipes at his eyes. “I’m dating someone out of my league. I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Stop putting yourself down,” Sehun says huffily. “His parents have no idea what kind of a person you are. And if they think their son is so perfect they should trust him to have decent dating sense.”

“He made a mistake. He can do better.”

Sehun groans. “I’m trying to comfort you. I was also trying to be nice. But you and his parents are both so full of shit. Dongjun has his head screwed on right; he knows he isn’t making a mistake by dating you. His parents are pissy their son isn’t dating someone as obnoxiously perfect as he is. And you just have self-esteem issues and if someone so much sneezes near you, you think it’s your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you, Joonmyun. You’re friendly and you take care of everyone, you can’t stay mad at anyone, you have a really big heart, and when you smile you’re pretty. And there’s a lot of other great things about you. So stop beating yourself up because sometimes perfect people have stupid ass parents.”

Joonmyun smiles weakly. “They aren’t stupid. They’re concerned.”

“Unnecessarily concerned. They should try to get to know you before blowing you off.” Sehun rubs Joonmyun’s shoulder. “Should I call Dongjun and tell him to take better care of you? His parents shouldn’t be upsetting you.”

“That won’t be necessary. The track team is going to Daegu for three days the day after tomorrow. So I won’t have to think about accidentally seeing his parents.” Joonmyun smiles a little more. “But thank you.”

 

Sehun was going to be very happy when he no longer had to suffer through Mandarin class. With Minseok in Daegu with the track team, their group had become an unfortunate trio of Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Sehun. Neither Baekhyun nor Jongdae was willing to speak to each other, so they used Sehun as a carrier pigeon even though they sat mere feet away from each other at their desks. The teacher had left a passage of some Chinese novel and told them to translate it before stepping out to deal with some important thing.

“Can you please ask Jongdae to check if that’s the proper conjugation of that verb?” Baekhyun asks Sehun.

“Ask him yourself.” Sehun retorts.

“You’re sitting next to him!”

“You’re sitting four feet away from him!”

“Please, Sehun…”

Sehun sighs dramatically before asking Jongdae, “Is that the right conjugation?”

Jongdae nods. “Can you ask Baekhyun what time is musical practice?”

Sweet baby Jesus in a manger. “Ask him yourself.”

“You’re sitting right next to him!”

“You’re sitting four feet away from him!”

“Please, Sehun…”

Sehun can’t take this anymore. “You two need to grow up! Jongdae, apologize for being an unfeeling troll and shitting out of your mouth! Baekhyun, quit moping. Jongdae likes boobs and girl parts and there are other fish in the sea that like boys in eyeliner!”

His friends stare at him. “You’ve been hanging out with Minseok and Luhan too much.” Jongdae states.

“We’re all sick of you two being stupid. Sit at the fucking lunch table again. Even Yixing is sitting there now. Zitao got to him. We’ve been friends since we were in fucking diapers.”

Baekhyun and Jongdae are silent after Sehun’s outburst.

“I’m sorry. You shocked me. I was callous.” Jongdae mutters.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I wasn’t subtle.” Baekhyun returns.

“Now let’s conjugate this paragraph.” Sehun grunts.

 

Sehun just wanted to pee. That’s all he wanted. It had been a long day. He just wanted to use the bathroom and head for home where he could go into a coma and hopefully wake up during summer vacation.

Did he piss off his ancestors somehow? How else could he have gotten himself trapped in a bathroom stall with a broken lock while Joonmyun and Wufan were having a spat? Yes, Sehun probably had to go find a shrine and beg for eternal forgiveness.

“Why do you look upset these days?” Wufan’s gruff voice asks. Sehun can pick up the concern in it; Luhan had taught him good listening skills.

“It’s nothing.” Joonmyun replies quietly.

“I’m only asking because he’s in Daegu. You know I wouldn’t bother you when he’s around.” Kris sighs. “I’m keeping my distance. I’m just worried. You look sad too much. Doesn’t he take care of you?”

“You don’t need to worry, Wufan. Nothing is wrong.”

Sehun can practically hear Wufan frown. “Are you sure? You know that I’m still willing to beat up anyone who upsets you.”

There’s a touch of sarcasm in Joonmyun’s voice. “It wouldn’t be appropriate to go beat up Dongjun’s parents.” Wufan must’ve looked shocked because Joonmyun clarifies. “They’re the reason why I’ve been upset lately. They’re not the nicest people.”

Wufan exhales noisily. “Why? What’d they do?”

“Just confirmed that I’m completely unfit to date someone like Dongjun. He is perfect and I am like some peasant trying to marry too high up.” Sehun rolls his eyes. It seemed all his words went right through Joonmyun’s ears.

“Joonmyun…”

“Don’t tell me that it isn’t true. Please don’t try to comfort me. I already dealt with Sehun telling me this. And don’t threaten to go talk to him or his parents. Again, Sehun took care of that. Just let me bask in my self-loathing.”

“Brat is stealing my thunder.” Wufan huffs. “Did you… did you, uh, hurt yourself?”

Sehun’s face is glued to the stall door trying to hear better without being discovered. What did that mean? Hurt yourself?

Joonmyun doesn’t respond and Wufan groans. “ _Joonmyun_.”

“It’s not your business. Don’t you dare tell anyone.”

“You can’t keep doing that.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m not completely incapable.”

“I didn’t…” Wufan sighs. “Listen, you know that I just want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy. I won’t tell anyone but you need to stop that.”

“I know you mean well.” Joonmyun says quietly. “I have to go, Wufan.”

Wufan grunts. “Goodbye, Joonmyun.”

Sehun breathes a sigh of relief. He could go home now. But he was left wondering what Wufan had meant about Joonmyun hurting himself. He’d ask Luhan.

 

“Fuck dance team. Fuck all of these stupid peasants.” Sehun growls. He couldn’t even muster an appetite because he was too stressed about the set list.

Luhan rubs his shoulder gently and eased a spoonful of rice into his mouth. “My Sehunnie works so hard he doesn’t even eat.”

“Jongin never showed up. I waited two hours for his stupid peasant ass.” Sehun says around the rice. “What a jackass.”

Chanyeol comes bouncing over to the lunch table. He and Baekhyun had migrated back, though Baekhyun and Chen sat farther away from each other. “Guess what?” If Chanyeol’s deep voice could squeal, but it couldn’t quite get that high, Chanyeol would be squealing.

“What?” Baekhyun asks.

Chanyeol waves a piece of paper at them. “Guess who’s visiting us at the end of June?”

“The president?” Minseok offers.

“Better.” Chanyeol grins hugely. “ _Kyungsoo_.”


	23. June (Part 1) - Kyungsoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 11 August 2013
> 
> Tw: depiction of traumatic episode (may be distressing), self-harm

㉿ Korean proverb | “ _All roads lead to Seoul_.”

 

 

The Seoul in his photographs and memories seemed washed-out and dim compared to the Seoul that lay beneath his feet. It wasn’t as if he’d moved to a fishing village, but the thrum of the city was undeniable here. He felt like he was waking up from a long, groggy dream. Everything was in vivid color, every sound was crystal clear; every scent was powerful. Kyungsoo felt dizzy at the sensory overload. Is this what coming home felt like?

His parents were tired from the drive and were resting at the hotel. Kyungsoo elected to wander his old neighborhood alone. It was the middle of the afternoon. School was still in session and people were still working. He dragged his feet against the concrete he’d scraped his knees on countless times, walked past the fire hydrant Mr. Wu had opened up one hot summer day to create a sprinkler for them, past the playground they used for unending games of hide and seek, past the snack carts they swarmed after school. Everything was the same, yet everything was unfamiliar.

Kyungsoo lowered himself onto a park bench. The ice cream truck drove past this park during the summer and they always waited there for it. He wondered why he wasn’t overjoyed to be back here. He’d missed Seoul very much even though he’d made new friends. He knew Inchon just as well as he knew Seoul. But it wasn’t the same. He’d come back here, only to feel out of place.

At first, he’d been unsure of how to address his new classmates about why he’d transferred away from a school in Seoul. Their families worked in companies like his father’s so they knew that going to Seoul usually spelled promotion, but returning to a smaller place like Inchon was unclear. He’d told them his family wanted to live closer to his grandparents, who truly were living in Inchon, and left it at that. There was no need to delve into the real reason they’d moved back.

He had asked Chanyeol in passing how Jongin was doing. After he’d changed his number the calls and texts had stopped. He had figured Jongin would move on, but according to Chanyeol that wasn’t the case.

“He’s quiet. Sehun says he has no fight in him these days. He’s really subdued and keeps his head down. We don’t talk to him and he doesn’t talk to us.” Chanyeol had said.

It seemed so strange to Kyungsoo. Jongin, even from their childhood days, was always energetic and full of spark. He was rambunctious and got what he wanted. In the aftermath of last January, Jongin had retained his forceful nature which terrified Kyungsoo to no end. Jongin had changed from a friend to a terror in the span of a week. Even as Kyungsoo sat up packing his possessions into brown cardboard boxes, his phone had buzzed incessantly, ringing in Jongin’s pleas for communication. Could it be Jongin had changed since he’d left? Could it be everyone had changed when he was gone?

To Kyungsoo, he hadn’t changed very much. He’d always been a quiet child. He was the kind of child who always helped his parents without a question, never broke rules no matter how hard Chanyeol and Baekhyun begged him to break curfew, did well in school, sang in his church choir, and did everything right. He realized he was pretty secretive too. His parents couldn’t understand why he hadn’t talked to them after he’d been raped and Kyungsoo had figured he hadn’t wanted to divulge something he found so shameful and painful. So he’d been carted off to therapy two days a week since the move.

Therapy turned out to be quite helpful. Kyungsoo was able to let go a lot of his fears – it was irrational to believe Jongin was going to voyage to Inchon to further harass him – and start on the road to acceptance and forgiveness. Granted, he wasn’t completely healed and the trauma he’d received may have been impossible to completely eradicate. But he was better than he was. And that was what mattered to him.

 

“Kyungsoo? Do Kyungsoo? Is that you?”

Kyungsoo’s blood froze over when he looked into the face that had permeated his nightmares for a full year. His knees knocked together as the recognition flickered over Jongin’s features. Kyungsoo could feel the color drain from his face. Why was Jongin the one who’d found him first?

“Joonmyun told me you were coming to visit.” Jongin said, eyes never leaving Kyungsoo’s face.

Kyungsoo nodded. He felt like a tiny frightened rabbit discovered by a starving wolf. If he were a smarter rabbit he would’ve made a run for it the second he heard Jongin’s voice. The wolf circled closer to the rabbit. The rabbit twitched in fear. The wolf bared his sharp teeth.

“I missed you.”

Kyungsoo ran. He felt the blood pumping through his rabbit heart as he fled. He cringed in terror when he heard the wolf in pursuit. Their sneakers slapped against the pavement. How different this game of chase had been when they were children.

_“You lost, Jongin! You have to go buy me a snack.”_

_“No fair! You cheated, Soo.”_

_“Nuh-uh. I played fair and square.”_

_“Cheater!”_

_“Fine, you won’t have to pay if you catch me!”_

Catch me, catch me, no, don’t catch me. Kyungsoo’s lungs felt burnt and stretched in his chest. He wanted Jongin to give up. Didn’t Chanyeol say he had no fight in him left? Maybe the sight of him had returned Jongin’s wayward strength.

Jongin’s taller, broader frame crashed into Kyungsoo’s. They went rolling into the grass. Kyungsoo screamed. “Don’t hurt me! Please, oh god, someone help me! Help me!”

Jongin’s hand covered his mouth, smothering his cries. “I’m not going to hurt you! Please, Kyungsoo, stop that!”

Kyungsoo sank his teeth into Jongin’s palm. Adrenaline burned in his veins. Humans were only mammals after all. Fight or flight applied to scared teenage boys as well as real rabbits. Jongin shook his hand free, hissing in pain.

“Let me go.” Kyungsoo’s voice shook.

“I need to talk to you first.”

“I have nothing left to say to you.”

“Well I have something to say, so please listen.” Jongin’s fingers stroked the side of his face, making Kyungsoo cringe from the contact. He had grass stains all over his pants. His mother was going to pitch a fit.

“Kyungsoo,” Jongin’s voice made Kyungsoo tremble. “I missed you so much. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I’m sorry I never got to say that. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hurt you. I was wrong. I should’ve never done that to you. I wish I could take it all back. You always said I couldn’t accept reality. I think I’m gay, Kyungsoo. I wanted you to know I’m coming to terms with that.”

Jongin paused, tracing Kyungsoo’s cheek with his fingertips. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t deserve it. But I haven’t been able to get over doing this to you.” Jongin’s voice broke. “You’re so scared of me. I never wanted this. So please, just give me something. Kick me away if you want to.” He pulled up the hem of his shirt, enough to reveal white lines covering his torso. “I thought at first if I could hurt myself as much as I hurt you I could get over you but I can’t. Please, say something, Soo.”

“Don’t call me that.” Kyungsoo breathed. He inched away from Jongin. “You have no idea what you did to me. You’re in my nightmares. I don’t know if I can forgive you. Everything is still raw. Seeing you made this a lot worse. I never want to see you again. Not even in my nightmares. Don’t try contacting me. If I ever come back here I don’t want to see you. And don’t do this anymore!” He gestured at the cuts. “I don’t need you on my conscience.”

Jongin nodded. “Okay. I’ll disappear from your sight. You don’t have to think about me ever. I hope I don’t show up in your nightmares. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Kyungsoo wobbled back to his feet. “Goodbye, Jongin.”

“Goodbye, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo decided that the Seoul in his dreams, washed-out as it was, was better than the reality he’d returned to. The Seoul he’d walked back into was just another vivid nightmare.


	24. June (Part 2) - Joonmyun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 16 August 2013
> 
> Tw: self-harm, suicidal ideation

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN61E_j2pME) **Bare: A Pop Opera** \- _No Voice_ | “ _What a mess, a perfect mess, left alone to sort it out. In the sorrow, guilt, and rage, I keep coming back to doubt._ ”

 

 

“You and I are skipping school today” is the last phrase Joonmyun would’ve dreamed could come out of his boyfriend’s mouth.

“We’re what?” Joonmyun asks bewilderedly as Dongjun sits down on his couch. “What about school?”

“It’s the middle of June, my beautiful love. Kids are skipping left and right. We deserve one day off.” Dongjun pulls Joonmyun into his arms. “You look tense these days. You should relax more.”

“How can I relax?” Joonmyun whines. “Unlike you, I have exams coming up.”

“You’re smart. Studying can wait.” Dongjun pouts. “Unless you don’t want to be with me today.”

Joonmyun sighs. “I can’t say no to you, can I?” He curls up beside Dongjun.

Honestly, the warmer weather was driving Joonmyun slightly crazy considering he could no longer feign chills and wear long sleeves. He’d made more cuts and they were still very noticeable. Meeting Dongjun’s parents had made a wave of depression crash down on him hard. His mother, while a caring woman wasn’t the most observant woman, had even noticed how unhappy he’d been. Joonmyun was unsure if his mother even knew he was seeing someone, though by now they’d been dating for a year. He’d written it off as school stress and panicked alone in his room. He didn’t think he could shake the looks of distaste Dongjun’s parents had steeled him with. Their eyes had screamed out at him:  _ Our son can do better. _ And Joonmyun agreed, Dongjun could do much better.

Dongjun kisses his hair gently. “Are you still upset about my parents?”

Joonmyun shakes his head. “I understand. You need much better than me.”

“Stop that. Joonmyun, don’t put yourself down like that. You’re the one. I don’t care about what they think of you. It won’t change anything.” Dongjun stares at him. “Do you really think you’re inept?”

Joonmyun shrinks. “I can’t do anything right. My friends are in shambles and I can’t fix that. Hell, I can’t even fix myself.  _ I’m _ in shambles and I can’t fix that. Normal people don’t try to solve their problems with a knife. You don’t need someone like me weighing you down. You want to be a professional athlete. What if people knew you were dating someone nuts? They’d look down on you. I’m not going to let my own ineptness hurt your future.”

“Kim Joonmyun. Let me worry about my own future. I want you in my future. Normal or not. So please, don’t say bad things about yourself.” Dongjun kisses his lips.

“I’ll try.” Joonmyun says meekly. He won’t though. He’s beyond help sometimes.

 

A cell phone clatters to the floor beneath the bleachers. Joonmyun eyes it disinterestedly. Its owner will either come scrambling down for it soon or leave it until later. He hears creaking above him. The owner is coming down and will probably faint from the sight of Joonmyun sitting there. The knife in his pocket and the blood on his sleeve probably wouldn’t help the situation.

He hadn’t retreated under there to cut. The past hour had been some madcap dash to escape his feelings. Joonmyun thinks he ought to cut his heart out instead of cutting his wrists; it would be easier for him to breathe that way. He’d overheard Dongjun arguing with his co-captain, a tall intimidating senior, about having skipped school and an important practice.

“You went to babysit your crazy boyfriend.” The co-captain had said accusingly.

“What did you call him?” Dongjun growled.

“Everyone knows that kid isn’t straight in the head, Dongjun. We’re just too nice to say that to your face. I know you like him or whatever, but you’re the one who keeps stressing we have to win these last two meets.”

Joonmyun had just run to the nearest dark, enclosed space which happened to be beneath the gym bleachers. He was unsure of why he started carrying around his knife in his bag but he had found it easily and opened up an old cut. It burned and stung. The words he’d overheard stung more. Dongjun told him not to worry but how could he not? He was pulling Dongjun down, like he’d feared. He was useless.

A shout rips Joonmyun out of his thoughts. Wufan makes to stand up quickly, but forgetting he was beneath bleachers smashes his head against the wooden slats. “Shit!” he exclaims, clutching the top of his head. “Joonmyun? What are you doing down here?”

“Skipping trigonometry,” Joonmyun replies tonelessly.

“Yeah, they keep calling you to the principal’s office but you don’t show. So why are you skipping class?” Wufan eases himself into a sitting position.

“I skipped school yesterday, I’m continuing the trend.”

“Ah, so you were skipping. Why?”

Joonmyun shrugs.

“Are you okay?” Wufan asks. Joonmyun shakes his head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Joonmyun answers. “Please just let me sit here and be miserable.”

Wufan scoots closer. “I don’t think I want to do that, Joon. Please talk to me. I don’t like to see you so upset. It is about Dongjun? Or his parents?”

“It’s not what you think. It’s not him. Fuck, Wufan, it’s  _ never _ him. It’s me. Always me.”

Wufan frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to hold him back. He wants to be a pro athlete. People would look down on him if they knew I was crazy. I don’t want to hurt his future. I feel so useless.”

“Who said you were crazy?”

Joonmyun laughs tonelessly. “Apparently, it’s obvious but no one wants to say it out loud.”

“You can’t listen to that. Joonmyun you’re perfectly fine.”

“But I’m  _ not _ . I stopped telling myself that a long time ago. I’m not fine.”

Wufan frowns at him. He looks like he has more to say but he shakes his head. “How about we get out from under here? I’ll walk you back to class.”

“You go ahead. I’m going to stay a little longer.”

“Joonmyun.”

“Wufan, go away.”

Wufan sighs dejectedly. “I just want to help you, Joonmyun. But I can’t if you’re only fighting a war against yourself.”

A whisper. “It isn’t your war to fight, Wufan.”

 

Joonmyun bumps into Jongin by chance.

He looks haggard and deathly. Joonmyun worries. Jongin drags him to a bench where he breaks down. He throws himself across Joonmyun’s lap and begins sobbing uncontrollably.

When Jongin finally calms down he starts talking. “You have no idea how long I’ve been holding that in. I don’t know anyone else I can turn to. You understand. You must understand how it feels to have something just sit on your chest until it feels like your ribs are breaking. I feel horrible. When I hadn’t seen Kyungsoo I had this huge weight on my shoulders. I felt so low. But now that I’ve seen him, the weight on my shoulders moved to my chest.” Fresh tears begin. “You didn’t see the look on his face. Oh my god, he was terrified of me. He was so scared. He looked at me like I was a monster. And he kicked me aside. I deserved it. I don’t deserve forgiveness at all.”

Joonmyun rubs Jongin’s back. “You still feel horrible.”

“Yes. And I promised him I wouldn’t hurt myself. He said he didn’t want me on his conscience. I couldn’t do it, even though I want to. I can’t burden him anymore. It hurts so much. I just want him to be happy.” Jongin inhales shallowly. “Sometimes I think I should’ve just killed myself. It would have been so much easier.”

“I think that too about myself.” Joonmyun admits quietly.

“If I were braver, I’d ask you to kill yourself with me. But you have more hope than I do. I don’t want to take you away with me.”

“Why do you think I have more hope?”

“You have people who keep trying to help you. I’m still amazed my parents didn’t just kick me out. Instead, they treat me like a leper.”

Joonmyun squeezes Jongin’s shoulder. “You and I should keep moving on, Jongin. I’m sure this pain will pass.”

“You don’t even believe that.” Jongin says quietly, leaning against Joonmyun.

“No, but I don’t think I could handle you dead.”

 

“Kim Joonmyun.”

There’s ice in Luhan’s voice and Joonmyun feels himself shrinking as he turns. Luhan leers at him, his pink lips pressed into an angry line. His arms are folded over his chest. His eyes glare harshly at Joonmyun.

“Yes, Luhan?”

“Did you watch the weather report this morning, Joonmyun? I guess you didn’t. How else could you be wearing a sweater in the middle of June when it’s ninety degrees and sunny outside? It’s not like you’re trying to hide anything.”

The color drains from Joonmyun’s face. He pinches the back of his hand, willing himself to wake up from this nightmare.

“Please tell me why you’re hiding your arms from us, Joonmyun.” Luhan steps closer.

“I’m not hiding anything!” Joonmyun almost screams.

“Don’t lie. We know.”

Joonmyun’s knees grow weak. “You know?”

“Minseok found out first, back in November. He didn’t think much of it then, but when Sehun overheard you and Wufan in the bathroom last month, he remembered. Sehun wasn’t sure what you were talking about. Both of them thought they were hearing wrong, but Wufan confirmed it.”

Luhan’s face is getting blurrier and blurrier. Joonmyun sways on his feet, strength leaving his body.

“Let me see.” Luhan orders. “I can’t believe this.”

Joonmyun sees the back of his skull as his head hits the floor.

 

When he wakes up, Dongjun is holding him, his concerned face hovering closely. “Beautiful? Can you hear me?”

Joonmyun starts crying. He’s acutely aware the sweater has been removed and he’s in his t-shirt. His arms are bare and anyone can see the ugly lines on his wrists. He’s never felt so utterly exposed. He wants to hide.

Dongjun cradles him. “I’m right here. I’ve got you.”

Joonmyun can hear Luhan’s voice. “I’m so fucking sorry. I had no idea he was going to pass out. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Dongjun shushes Joonmyun as his cries get louder. Joonmyun knows exactly how Jongin feels, but not even crying it out will remove the pain sitting heavily on his chest. His lungs feel like they’re about to pop.

There are other voices; Joonmyun identifies them as Minseok’s, Sehun’s, Wufan’s, and the school’s nurse’s. Dongjun murmurs gently into Joonmyun’s ear. Joonmyun knows they’re talking about him.

When he stops crying, the nurse questions him gently. Her eyes are full of concern but he still doesn’t want to answer any of her questions.

“How long have you been self-harming?” she asks.

“Two years,” is the answer.

Luhan curses loudly and runs out of the room, Sehun on his tail. Wufan and Minseok stare at him sadly while Dongjun squeezes his hands. The nurse tells him they’ll, of course, have to inform his mother. Joonmyun doesn’t have the strength to protest. He isn’t looking forward to this because inevitably his father will find out too. There will probably be a fight, unless his father is too preoccupied with his new wife to worry about his insane son.

Dongjun guides Joonmyun out of the office. “Do you need anything?” he asks.

Joonmyun shakes his head.

Luhan lurches over unsteadily, clinging to Sehun’s hand. His face is red from crying. “Joonmyun, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know… Joonmyun, why didn’t you tell us? How could you go through this, for two years, all alone?”

Joonmyun shrugs. “You get used to it. It isn’t your fault.”

“That’s why you always flinched when I grabbed your arm in the summer.” Minseok says sadly. “And that’s what you meant all that time ago. I should’ve said something then.”

“Not your fault.” Joonmyun repeats.

“We could’ve done something.” Sehun adds.

“No, you couldn’t.” Joonmyun says.

Wufan stares at him, pain written all over his face. Wufan has known the longest. Joonmyun knows guilt is eating Wufan alive. He knows Wufan thinks he should’ve stopped it. But he let it spiral out of control.

Dongjun helps Joonmyun sit down outside of the office. “Your mom is coming.” He says. “Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

Joonmyun wraps his arms around Dongjun’s waist. “I need you to hold me. And I need you to bat away my friends. I can’t deal with them right now. I need to handle my mom first.”

Dongjun kisses the top of his head. “I’ll do anything for you. I’m right here.”

They sit there silently until Joonmyun’s mother comes running down the hallway. Dongjun stands up and bows politely. Joonmyun’s mother ignores him and drops down to her knees. “Joonmyun? It’s Mommy. Mommy is here. What happened?”

Joonmyun stares at her weakly. He hasn’t seen his mother this worked up since his parents got divorced. She threw the dinner plates his father’s parents had gifted them at his father’s head, screaming that she wanted a divorce immediately. “A lot happened, Mom.”

“Joonmyun, don’t you get snarky with me.”

Joonmyun grimaces. This is the side of his mother he sees most of the time. The no-nonsense side. He doesn’t like this side. He wants the side that used to wipe away his tears and kiss his bruises better. He can’t blame her for this change. His father did a terrible thing by cheating and he really hurt her. She’s only reacting to that. It isn’t about Joonmyun.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Joonmyun says sullenly.

“Joonmyun,” Dongjun sighs.

His mother turns, finally noticing Dongjun. “I’m sorry, but who are you?”

Dongjun bows again. “I’m Kim Dongjun, ma’am. I’m dating your son.”

His mother turns back to Joonmyun, face unreadable. “You didn’t say you were seeing anyone.”

“You didn’t ask. You haven’t asked me about anything.” Joonmyun replies.

“Joonmyun, that isn’t fair. You know how thin I’ve been stretched…”

“I’m not blaming you.” Joonmyun cuts her off. “I thought you’d realized it by now.”

The conference with the nurse drags on. Joonmyun insists he has nothing to say, no insight as to what brought on his depression, no attempts to make it reasonable. Only, “I know I’m crazy. I’ve known for a while.”

He wanders back into Dongjun’s arms after the conference. His mother watches them, her face pale and strained. He feels guilty for not hugging her, but he doesn’t think his weary heart can take it. His mother looks so disappointed with him. He can hear her thoughts: can his father say this is proof I’m an incapable parent? It isn’t her fault, but she still feels guilty.

“You should go to your mom.” Dongjun coaxes.

“Can’t you just keep holding on to me?” Joonmyun mumbles.

“I’d hold on to you and never let go if I could. But right now you should go to your mom.” Dongjun kisses his forehead. “I’ll call you later to check on you.”

Joonmyun nods and walks back to his mom. The pain in his chest has been replaced by a gaping emptiness and he can’t tell if he prefers this to aching pain. He figures he’ll find out soon.


	25. July - Jongdae

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 22 August 2013 
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0iCzMNZiZ0) **BoA** \- _Between Heaven and Hell_ | “ _Let me forget you for just one day – these are words I can’t keep. If I can’t see you I’ll hurt and I’ll cry and only make empty promises. I’m between heaven and hell because of you_.”

 

 

They’re sitting in a circle in Wufan’s enormous living room. Under any other circumstance, Jongdae would ask if they were about to draw pentagrams on the Wu’s expensive Persian rug in their blood just to break the tension. However, the atmosphere is too serious and solemn for his joking, and such jokes would probably get him voted to be their human sacrifice on that nonexistent pentagram of blood. So Jongdae keeps his mouth shut.

It’s strange that the eleven of them are sitting together like this. Kyungsoo’s absence is horribly noticeable, and Jongin and Yixing’s presences are strangely off-putting. It was more off-putting that Joonmyun only seemed to want to talk to Jongin and the two spent long stretches of time whispering in corners. Jongdae wonders how on earth those two started talking again. And what were they talking about anyway? And of all the people… why was Joonmyun comfortable around Jongin? Jongdae was baffled, and honestly, he knew they were all kind of hurt that Joonmyun blatantly refused to talk to any of them and instead sought comfort in  _ Jongin _ .

“You sure this is a good idea, Luhan?” Jongdae whispers.

“It  _ isn’t _ a good idea. But I can’t deal with the idea of Joonmyun doing this to himself.”

“But Luhan…”

“He needs  _ help _ , Jongdae.”

“He clearly didn’t want any help, Luhan.”

“Suicide attempts are cries for help.” Luhan whispers.

“This is just going to make him retreat farther away. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone in this group and you know that. We ratted him out. He only wants to talk to his boyfriend and, for some reason, Jongin.”

“His boyfriend is going to college in a different city, Jongdae. And Jongin doesn’t look any more stable. We’re his friends. I can’t know what he’s doing and do nothing about it.” Luhan whimpers.

Jongdae rubs Luhan’s shoulder gently. “Let’s not push him.”

So here they are, sitting in the Wu’s living room (“It’s big and it’s empty. And I want to help him too.” Wufan had said) about to stage some belated intervention. Joonmyun’s arms are wrapped up in bandages. Jongdae heard they kept him on suicide watch while his parents were battling it out. Everyone knew they’d gotten an ugly divorce but it made Jongdae sick to think they were attacking one another while their son had his arms strapped to a gurney because he couldn’t be trusted not to kill himself.

Joonmyun looks withdrawn and sickly. Jongin is sitting beside him, rubbing circles into Joonmyun’s palm. Luhan is on the other side, biting his lip anxiously. The others sit in silence and Jongdae thinks he might asphyxiate on the tension. He’s never liked being stuck in tense situations and usually tries to break up such moments with bad jokes and mistimed comments. It usually led to the others snapping at him, but it served the purpose to break the tension he so loathed.

Wufan shifts uneasily beside him. Jongdae tries not to roll his eyes. He thinks Wufan is pretty close to a lot of Joonmyun problems, considering the enormous idiot hadn’t mustered up the balls to confess to Joonmyun before Dongjun did and then after a period of moping decided to screw with both Joonmyun and Chanyeol. Jongdae sighs. Yeah, they’ve all got problems.

Luhan clears his throat authoritatively. “I organized this meeting, with Wufan and Jongdae, to clear the air a little bit. I think the past year, and the year before that too, has been full of struggles for all of us. We haven’t acted like friends should and I think we should try to talk some of it out today.”No one responds to Luhan’s little introduction so he barrels on. “We can go around the circle if you want.”

Jongdae is tempted to crack his pentagram joke again but holds it back because Minseok is looking at him dangerously. He shrugs in defeat and Minseok nods in satisfaction. Jongdae can admit any bloodshed will probably be his fault and Minseok, ever the peacekeeper, wants to avoid that.

No one is talking so Luhan sighs. “Should I start?” Jongdae can hear crickets creaking melancholy melodies in China. Luhan sighs again. “This isn’t going to work if no one talks. There has to be something. This is an open, peaceful forum for discussion.”

Jongdae would like to point out that he’s sure no one really wants to be locked in the Wu residence in the middle of July on a picturesque day to talk about their feelings. Minseok eyes him again in warning and Jongdae non-verbally reassures him again.

Joonmyun clears his throat softly. Jongdae sees him squeeze Jongin’s hand. “I’m sorry for making all of you worry. But please stop worrying about me. And it’s no one’s fault. I hid this, none of you knew and none of you could’ve done anything to stop me.”

Jongdae sees Wufan’s jaw clench. Apparently, Wufan begs to differ. There’s still silence after Joonmyun’s words. Everyone is looking very intently at the carpet except for Luhan who looks stuck between helplessness and irritation.

Jongdae can’t help himself this time. “Shall we start drawing the pentagrams on the rug now?”

Everyone stares. “Pentagrams?” Luhan squeaks.

Jongdae ignores the lasers Minseok is drilling into the side of his skull. “Yeah, I thought this meeting was to… uh… you know, summon demons and that shit.” He smiles brightly.

“I have a complaint.” Sehun says. “Jongdae is a fucking idiot.”

“There’s no need for name calling.” Jongdae huffs. “I’m trying to break up the tension. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to suffocate.”

“Then why don’t you start?” Luhan snaps.

“Okay, fine. Lulu, you’re well-meaning, but this wasn’t a great idea. When do guys ever want to discuss their feelings? Pretty much never. And you said it yourself that you didn’t think this was a very good idea. I know that you feel crappy about this. I mean, you did make Joonmyun pass out in the middle of the hallway, but like he said, it’s not directly your fault.”

Minseok groans something to the effect of “I’m going to super glue your mouth shut.”

Luhan looks around the circle. No one meets his gaze. “Do you guys agree with Jongdae? Was this a bad idea?”

A few nods happen tentatively, coupled with little shrugs. Luhan sighs wearily. “Fine. I’m sorry for dragging you all here.”

Outside, Minseok slaps the back of Jongdae’s head hard. “Ouch! Min, what the hell?”

“Couldn’t you just let Luhan think he was helping? The only thing we got of that was that Joonmyun still doesn’t want any help from us.” Minseok seethes. “You know how guilty Luhan feels about Joonmyun.”

Jongdae rubs the back of his head. “Yeah, so Joonmyun told everyone not to feel guilty or worry. Luhan can still do both of those things, but I told him not to push Joonmyun or the kid’s going to go running again.” He taps his head. “I left my snapback under my chair. I’m going to go grab it.” Jongdae ducks back into the house and into Wufan and Joonmyun talking quietly. He slips underneath the table, feeling like a stalker as he eavesdrops.

“There’s nothing to feel bad about, Wufan.” Joonmyun says softly. “I’m not your responsibility. You shouldn’t feel as though you could’ve done anything.”

“But I’m responsible for some of those cuts.” Wufan protests. “It was my fault you and Dongjun fought. If I hadn’t been such a dick that wouldn’t have happened. I promised I’d be there to help you and I didn’t.”

“I’m not your responsibility. So please don’t worry about me.”

“So, where is Dongjun headed for college?” Wufan turns away from Joonmyun.

“Busan.” Joonmyun answers.

“That’s far.”

“We have phones.” Joonmyun wipes at his eyes. “I can’t rely on him to keep me from going totally crazy. I need to ground myself. I just don’t think I can.”

“I’m serious this time… please, can you lean on me? Just a little bit. I don’t like seeing you like this either.”

“Wufan, I need to stand up by myself.” Joonmyun whispers. “I don’t want to be dependent on others to drag me along.”

“But when you fall down you don’t get up!”

“Then leave me there! I don’t want to feel like I’m burdening everyone.” Joonmyun pauses. “It won’t even matter if my dad gets custody of me.”

Wufan falters. “Wait, what?” Jongdae crawls forward. What is Joonmyun talking about?

“My dad wants sole custody. Two years of untreated depression and self-harm? Proof of an absentee mother. They’re going to court soon. If he wins I’m getting shipped off to Pohang.”

“Pohang.” Wufan repeats. His voice is choked. “That’s far.”

“My mother is arguing that I shouldn’t be moved away from the best hospitals in the country. But they’re going to fight it out.”

“When will you know?”

“Well if I’m not in school in September you’ll know.” Joonmyun picks up Jongdae’s hat. “Jongdae left this. I’m going to give it back to him.”

Wufan catches Joonmyun’s arm. “Please, Joonmyun. I just want to help you.”

“Don’t worry about me, Wufan.”

Jongdae scrambles back out of the house. He kind of wishes he’d let Luhan play therapist. He really didn’t want to find out what was on Joonmyun’s mind while concealed under a table.

 

Other than trampling heartfelt moments with his big mouth, Jongdae has another problem with his talkative nature. He can’t keep a secret and he visits the brink of insanity every time he tries. He really, really,  _ really _ wants to talk about what he heard, but he wasn’t supposed to have heard any of it. Revealing he knows that information could spell more trouble and he doesn’t want to burden anyone else with those secrets.

Too bad it always comes out in the end.

“How do you think Joonmyun is going to cope without Dongjun around?” Sehun wonders. They’re lazing around Minseok’s bedroom.

“I don’t know.” Luhan replies. He turns to Zitao and Minseok. “Where is he going anyway?”

Jongdae’s mouth moves before his brain can stop him. “Busan.”

Minseok steels him with a suspicious gaze. “How’d you know that? You didn’t go to the graduation when they announced all the schools. And you don’t talk to Dongjun, or Joonmyun. And you don’t know anyone on track. And Tao and I didn’t mention it.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. “I… I… uh, heard it somewhere.”

“Jongdae, what did you do this time?”

“I eavesdropped on Joonmyun and Wufan talking.” Jongdae wails. “Dongjun is going to Busan. But never mind that, Joonmyun’s parents are in the middle of a custody battle. And if his mom loses he’s moving to Pohang by September.”

Everyone is staring at him. “Jongdae, what the hell? Why did you listen to all that?” Luhan exclaims.

“I went back to get my hat and I listened by accident! I didn’t want to know all of that! I can’t sleep because of it. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“The best doctors are in Seoul. The best hospitals are here. That’s why my family came here. My dad works in one of the best hospitals in the city.” Luhan says hotly. “No judge would let Joonmyun leave a place like this. He needs the best treatment available and it’s here. They wouldn’t send him to Pohang. They  _ wouldn’t _ .”

Sehun rubs Luhan’s shoulders. “Of course they wouldn’t.”

“But if they think the environment is what made him lose his marbles, they’re going to get him out of here fast.” Zitao murmurs. “If his dad has the means, his lawyers can make up any number of, ‘he needs a smaller, safer environment for healing’ theories. They’ll make it out to look like some country retreat.”

“But he doesn’t like his dad. They have to consider that, right?” Minseok says.

“But look at the job his mom did. If his dad remarried, they could think Joonmyun needs a family environment.” Zitao replies.

They sit there silently. Jongdae feels miserable. Curse his ears. Curse his big fat mouth.

“What should we do?” he asks. “I feel helpless and I want to do something.”

“I don’t know.” Luhan replies. “You’re right; Joonmyun doesn’t want help from us. So I don’t know what we can do other than wait.”

Jongdae hates waiting.

 

Jongdae may have many words, but none of them are romantic or suave. He’s never been anything but a kid who doesn’t think before he speaks. Such a lack in pre-speech though has gotten him into many an ugly situation. Minseok tells him frequently that his nose is off-center because so many people have punched him there after one of Jongdae’s off-color comments.

“Hey, Baekhyun!”

Baekhyun turns. “Yes, Jongdae?”

Jongdae clears his throat. “All this stuff going on with Joonmyun has got me thinking about the fragility of human life and…”

“Cut the crap. What do you want to say?” Baekhyun eyes him warily. Blurting out that he liked girls was not the wisest thing, Jongdae had realized. Because really, Baekhyun was a really pretty boy and Jongdae thinks he doesn’t think too much about gender, he just likes attractive people. Then he wonders if that means he’s shallow.

“I was just thinking about what you said to me back in March…”

Baekhyun narrows his eyes.

“And I was wondering, unless you started dating someone else, if you wanted to get ice cream with me sometime?”

“I thought you liked girls.”

Jongdae winces. “I thought about that, and I don’t think I always like girls.”

“Listen, Jongdae. I’m not going to date you because I happen to be convenient…”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” Jongdae says hastily. “I want to date you! And you know I’m really bad with words!”

Baekhyun stares appraisingly. “What makes you think I’m still available?”

“You’re still glued to Chanyeol. If you were dating you’d peel yourself away just a little. Guys are jealous things.”

“What if I was dating Chanyeol?”

“Wouldn’t you be slobbering all over one another then? Your hands don’t even brush when you walk together.”

“Have you been observing that closely? Not going to lie, that’s a bit creepy.”

“I hear and see more than any normal person should. It’s a curse.”

“Why do you want to date me?”

“Well like I was saying, Joonmyun’s situation has got me thinking about the fragility of human life…”

“Not the story you made up to kill time. The real reason.”

“That is the real reason! Just think about it: Joonmyun’s gone through so much. And he’s really only had his boyfriend to lean on. But because of that, Wufan totally flipped his shit and did stupid stuff. I realized that Wufan didn’t act on his feelings when Joonmyun was single, and now that he missed his chance he’s a bitter shithead. I don’t want to be a bitter shithead. I think I like you, Baek, and I would rather go out on a few dates with you than wait until someone else has you under him to figure my feelings out.”

Baekhyun’s face is turning purple. “ _ Jongdae _ !”

“I’m bad with words! I told you!” Jongdae whines.

Baekhyun grabs his face and kisses him fiercely. This time Jongdae grabs Baekhyun by the waist and pulls him flush against him. Some little voice tells Jongdae that they probably shouldn’t be making out in the middle of the sidewalk, but a louder voice tells him kissing Baekhyun is too nice to stop.

They pull apart, red-faced and panting. Baekhyun straightens out his shirt, embarrassedly. Jongdae looks at Baekhyun nervously. “So does this mean you’ll go out with me?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Yes, this means I’m going out with you.” He grabs Jongdae’s hand. “Come on, let’s go break the news.”

Jongdae has a little skip in his step as he walks with Baekhyun to go tell their friends.


	26. August - Yixing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 28 August 2013 
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldw3OT8OI_g) **Florence + The Machine** \- _Heartlines_ | “ _Your heart is the only place that I call home. Can I be returned?_ ”

 

 

“What are you doing here?” Yixing bends down to look at Joonmyun, who is lying beside some shrubs at the park. He has one bandaged arm flung over his eyes, the other lies limply across his stomach.

“I needed to get out of my house.” Joonmyun replies.

Yixing sits down beside him. He’s heard from Luhan and Zitao about Joonmyun’s parents’ custody battle. According to Luhan, Joonmyun’s mom was winning the battle after a court appointed shrink had got Joonmyun to open up a little about his family. Joonmyun said if he lived with his dad he’s probably go and drown himself at one of Pohang’s fishing piers. The judge changed his mind about guardianship pretty quickly. Of course, Joonmyun’s dad’s expensive lawyer was fighting the idea.

“I feel like a prisoner. See the shrink at this time. See the doctor at this time. Eat something. Take medication. Rest. Repeat.” Joonmyun sighs. “Everyone watches me like a hawk. They wanted to keep me strapped to that bed on suicide watch this whole time. I’ve never lied so much in my life to get taken off it.”

Yixing stares. “So that means you’re still suicidal?”

“It’s not something that just goes away, Yixing. It’d be easier if they’d fight over what to do with my body instead of where I should live.” Joonmyun sighs heavily. “Do you know what it’s like to feel like your ribs are hollowed out and nothing’s there? I feel empty.”

Yixing pats Joonmyun’s arm gently. “I don’t know, but I think you’re better than feeling this bad.”

Joonmyun shrugs his shoulders. “I noticed you didn’t do dance team last year. Are you going to this year? Sehun got the news he’s getting coerced into being captain again. He wants you to do it, you know.”

“I’ll see. Jongin and I agreed to not interact. It may depend on that.”

“I don’t think he’s angry at you. He’s angrier at himself. Talk to him.”

“Luhan says you and he talk a lot.”

“Comparatively, we do.”

“I think they all want to know why. Why him?”

“We’re more alike than they think.” Joonmyun says darkly.

Yixing shifts uncomfortably. He grapples for something else to talk about. “Has your boyfriend moved out yet? Luhan said he’s going to Busan.”

“He’s leaving later today, but we said our goodbyes yesterday. His parents don’t like me so I thought it was better to keep my distance.”

“They don’t like you? But why… you’re such a nice person.”

“I am boring, firstly, and secondly, off my fucking rocker. And Dongjun is perfect. We are a poor match.” Joonmyun grunts. “One day he’s going to wake up and run away from me screaming and it won’t be a surprise.”

“Does he love you?”

“Yes. He tells me he does. But I’m not easy to be in love with. He shouldn’t have to pick up my pieces. I’m burdensome and it’s unfair and I feel horrible about it.”

“But he chooses to stay with you. So he loves you. He must.” Yixing says.

“I’m in a dark place. And I’m heavily medicated. None of my thoughts make any sense and I keep considering whacking my head against a tree until I pass out so I can shut my brain up. But if I do that they might put me back on watch.” Joonmyun sits up and rubs at his face. “I’m sorry for unloading all of that on you. I’m not very cheerful as you’ll understand.”

“It’s alright. We’re still friends and I want to be helpful if I can. I wasn’t around you guys, I was fixing myself because I was being really vindictive and evil. You’ll be able to get through this.”

“Thank you, Yixing. And I mean it, talk to Jongin about the dance team thing. Sehun was crying about being in charge again. He wants you there.”

Yixing pats Joonmyun’s knee. “I’ll talk to him.”

 

“They are so unbelievably gross.”

“I think Jongdae is searching for gold down Baekhyun’s throat.” Minseok turns to look at Chanyeol, who is trailing behind with a small smile. “Hey, Chanyeol. Are you okay with that? Jongdae is eating Baekhyun’s face over there.”

Chanyeol guffaws. “They’re happy. They should be. A lot of bad stuff has been happening, so something good should happen too.”

Minseok clicks his tongue disapprovingly. “I want some of your positive energy.”

“It isn’t healthy to carry around negative feelings.”

Zitao nods sagely. “Yes, Master Chanyeol. Your words of wisdom never fail us.”

Yixing giggles at them. Chanyeol grins sheepishly as Zitao and Minseok turn their attention to the happy couple walking ahead of them. Baekhyun and Jongdae are holding hands and bumping shoulders and giggling like little schoolgirls. That is, when they aren’t making out in the middle of the street.

“To think Jongdae complains so much about other couples’ public displays of affection when his are by far the worst I’ve seen…” Zitao muses.

“In the dictionary next to ‘hypocrisy’ you’ll find a miniature portrait of that troll up there.” Minseok points an accusing finger at Jongdae’s back. “ _ I like girls _ , my ass.”

Yixing just nods along. Humans are fickle and teenagers have raging hormones. “But they look happy.”

“Yes, but if Jongdae does something stupid I’m going to break his kneecaps.” Minseok says with a sigh. “I don’t know what Baekhyun sees in that idiot.”

“Love is blind, and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” Chanyeol rumbles sagely.

“Whatever you say,” Minseok mutters. “I sure hope Jongdae knows what he’s doing.”

“If he doesn’t, he has a crowd of people waiting to bust his knees up.” Zitao chimes in.

“I hope he can still sing for choir in a full body cast.” Minseok says.

Yixing and Chanyeol laugh.

 

Yixing pushes the door open to the dance studio. Jongin is sitting on the floor, folding up a shirt. He looks up at Yixing’s entrance. “I was just leaving,” he states flatly.

“You don’t need to rush.” Yixing replies. “Actually, I want to talk to you.”

Jongin makes a face. “What is it?”

“I’m just worried about Joonmyun. Everyone says he talks to you the most.”

“We have a lot in common.” Jongin says carefully.

“Joonmyun said the same thing. He told me to talk to you. Sehun asked me to do dance team this year.”

“Do what you want.” Jongin says. “I’m beyond the point of caring.”

Yixing blinks. “But you were the one who suggested we keep our distance…”

“I’m sure Joonmyun mentioned that I’m not angry at you.” Jongin looks at Yixing. His eyes are tired. “And I’m not. I don’t like you for doing all that, but it was best for Kyungsoo. If you hadn’t revealed what I did, Kyungsoo would still be here and I would still be tormenting him. But he isn’t here, and he’s recovering where I can’t bother him. And I just want him to heal. So I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself. So do what you want. I don’t care.”

“Joonmyun is worried about you.” Yixing says, dumbfounded.

“That’s who he is. He doesn’t care about himself. I’m in better shape than he is and he’s worried about me.” Jongin laughs hollowly. He picks up his dance bag and starts walking out the door. “He should worry about himself.”

Jongin leaves Yixing alone in the dance studio, and with more thoughts than he wants to think about.

 

“There is a reason I don’t come and watch this fallacy.” Sehun hisses.

Yixing pats Sehun’s shoulder. Luhan is consoling the sophomore Sehun raged at.

“You did this last year too! How are you on the soccer team if you confuse the ball for a calculator?” Sehun roars.

Jinki quakes in his cleats. “I’m sorry,  _ sunbae _ ! I was confused.”

“Don’t be so harsh, Sehun. He’s sorry.” Luhan chides. “And it isn’t broken. You can still use it.”

Sehun rolls his eyes. “I’m only forgiving you because Luhan watches your back.”

Jinki bows again and again, mumbling apologies. Sehun goes off in a huff, leaving Yixing, Luhan, and Jinki alone of the field. Jinki retreats quickly back to the practice.

“I never thought I’d meet someone more awkward than you, Xing-Xing.” Luhan says affectionately.

Yixing scoffs. “I don’t recall ever mistaking a calculator for a soccer ball.”

“But he’s forgetful like you. And he’s very dedicated. He isn’t very good at soccer, but he gets up every time he falls down. He’s also very musically gifted. I got a lot closer to him through choir. He reminds me a little bit of you.” Luhan smiles.

“Sure, compare me to the kid who kicks calculators.” Yixing snickers.

“I’m glad to have you back, Xing. I missed talking to you.” Luhan’s smile turns soft.

“I missed you too, Luhan.” Yixing smiles so hard his dimples show.

 

“I thought you were going to China.” Yixing says.

“I thought so too, but my mom decided I should stay here.” Wufan shrugs. “Makes no difference anyway.”

Yixing nods, stirring the ice in his cup.

“What’s on your mind?” Wufan asks.

“Hmm?” Yixing looks up.

“I can tell when you’re deep in thought. What’s wrong?”

“I talked to Jongin the other day. He just looks… defeated. I mean, I haven’t spoken to him all year, but I remember him with eyes full of spark. But his eyes are dead, and he looks dead. It’s kind of creepy. And I’m worried about Joonmyun too. He’s pretty bent out of shape.”

Wufan nods slowly. “Jongin’s been that way all year. He’s been like that since Kyungsoo moved away. It’s guilt, I think. As for Joonmyun…” Wufan sucks in a breath. “I don’t know how to help him. I want to, but he won’t let me. You’re right; he’s bent out of shape.”

Yixing bites into some of his ice. “Joonmyun and Jongin both said something weird to me: they said they’re alike some way. I’m not sure what they mean and I’m not sure if I want to know.”

“They probably mean the depression.” Wufan sighs. “It would be nice if they would open up to the rest of us. We’ve gone down a bumpy road, but we’re supposed to be friends. I wish we were back in kindergarten. Life was uncomplicated then.” Another sigh. “My parents were home back then. And we were twelve friends.”

Yixing nods sympathetically.

“I keep trying to figure out where it all went wrong. It was the summer before high school. How can everything change so much?” Wufan sighs again. “I guess everything has to change eventually.”

“That’s true. But there are better changes coming.” Yixing smiles gently.

“Yeah, I hope so.”

Yixing reaches over to pat Wufan’s shoulder. “Next year, everything is going to work out just fine.”

Yixing sure hopes so anyway.


	27. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 30 November 2013

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yqvn97SogC4) **Motion City Soundtrack** \- _Broken Heart_ | “ _I’ll start this broken heart; I’ll fix it up so it will work again. Better than before_.”

 

 

It was too hot.

Kris fans at his sweaty face with his schedule; his sweaty fingerprints are no doubt blurring the ink on the freshly printed pages. It was supposed to be September, dammit. _September_. With crunchy leaves and crisp air and Joonmyun’s argyle sweaters. Kris gulps at the thought of Joonmyun. He hadn’t seen the other boy around, but he also hadn’t seen any moving trucks or out of place cars hanging around the neighborhood. And he would’ve heard if Joonmyun had actually moved away, wouldn’t he? Then again, Joonmyun had disappeared without a trace before. Who was to say Joonmyun would still be around?

All summer, Kris had heard nothing new about the Kim family’s custody battle. After Joonmyun’s two years of self-harming and intense depression were inadvertently discovered, his parents entered an ugly custody battle. Joonmyun’s father, who had relocated to Pohang after an uglier divorce, claimed Joonmyun’s mother had done a piss-poor job caring for their son and demanded full custody. Joonmyun’s mother had fired back that Joonmyun and his father had a poor relationship and that the best possible care for Joonmyun was located in Seoul. Joonmyun himself had told a court-appointed shrink he would seriously consider suicide if sent to his father’s care. That was the extent of the knowledge available to the neighborhood. The proceedings were secretive. Kris was willing to bet the only person with information was Jongin, Joonmyun’s unlikely friend and giver of solace.

Kris personally thought that Jongin was the worst choice for a friend for Joonmyun. Jongin was likely on the same level of emotional instability as Joonmyun was. Jongin was battling his own demons and was probably poorly equipped to help Joonmyun fight his. Kris was hurt by Joonmyun’s choice too. Jongin and Joonmyun had never been particularly close, but now they were attached at the hip. Kris yearns to be Joonmyun’s pillar of support if only the other boy would so much look at him. Kris admits that he had failed in his previous attempts to make his case and he wanted to make up for it.

Luhan had warned him once not to meddle in Joonmyun’s relationship. It was painfully obvious that Joonmyun depended on his older boyfriend to merely exist. Dongjun embodied what Kris wanted to be: charismatic, well-liked, mature, and nurturing. Joonmyun’s fragile heart needed someone with gentle hands who would care for him. Kris was still callous and rough around the edges, liable to break things. Kris’s jealousy consumed him to the point where he fantasized about beating up Dongjun to satiate the green monster stirring in his soul. Everyone liked Dongjun. It was nearly impossible to find fault in him. Joonmyun worshipped the ground he walked on. Kris hated it. Kris hated Dongjun.

Dongjun, Kris thinks with satisfaction, was far away in Busan for college. Without Dongjun around Kris was freer to interact with Joonmyun. He lied to himself that he wouldn’t try to sway Joonmyun to him, but he knew that ulterior motive would soon take precedence and he would create yet another ugly mess.

Kris plops down next to Yixing in the auditorium. Returning juniors had been herded there for back to school announcements and distribution of schedules. He tugs one of Yixing’s purple headphones away from his ear. “Have you seen Joonmyun?”

Yixing points a few rows in front of them. Two dark heads of hair are bent close to each other. “He’s up there with Jongin.”

“His mom won the custody battle?” Kris is genuinely surprised. Joonmyun’s father had enough influence to hire a very good lawyer who argued left right and sideways the ways Mrs. Kim had utterly failed as a parent.

Yixing nods. “It was really ugly. Luhan was telling me about it earlier. That lawyer was one oily son of a bitch. Made Mrs. Kim look like the worst parent to walk the earth. She only won because the shrink thought Joonmyun would be better off here. And if Joonmyun gets into any trouble he’s out of here.”

Kris winces. “How is he?”

“He looks dead. He lost a lot of weight. He cut his hair and it’s back to its normal color. It just makes his face look thinner. He looks really terrible. When you talk to him, just brace yourself.” Yixing sighs sadly. “He isn’t Joonmyun.”

Kris sighs heavily. “Do you think he’s going to let anyone else in? Jongin and Dongjun aren’t really the best people to hold him up. Dongjun isn’t here and Jongin’s a bit… well you know.”

Yixing nods. “It’s true, but I don’t think he’s going to let us. He proved he never wanted help from us. I doubt that’s changed.”

Luhan bounces over to them, dragging a sleepy looking Sehun with him. “Xing, what the hell happened to Joon? He looks like a corpse. Is he sick? What’s going on with him?” Luhan asks in rapid-fire Mandarin.

“How would I know?” Yixing retorts. “And shouldn’t you be speaking Korean so your sleepy boyfriend can understand?”

“Sehunnie doesn’t know what happened either. I’d bet Jongdae would know, but he’s been digging gold down Baekhyun’s throat all summer so I doubt he paid any attention. Jongin probably knows because he is glued to Joonmyun, but I can’t really ask him…”

“Have Sehun ask,” Kris suggests. “Wouldn’t they see each other at dance club?”

“No, because Jongin dropped out.”

“It’s the first day of school, how has he dropped out already?” Yixing sputters.

“He called Sehun yesterday and said he said something else to do.” Luhan replies with a shrug. “Looking after Joonmyun, I bet.”

“Where’s Zitao?” Yixing asks.

Luhan points. “Over there with Min and Chanyeol trying to keep Jongdae and Baekhyun off of one another.” Luhan giggles. “Those two are so hormonal.”

“And you aren’t?” Yixing scoffs.

Luhan slaps Yixing’s arm lightly. “Be quiet. I’m a good kid.”

Kris turns his attention back to Joonmyun and Jongin. His stomach clenches, longing to be the shoulder Joonmyun rests his cheek against. He’s fucked up time and time again trying to be that person. This time around he wouldn’t fail.

Orientation goes through his ears and soon the juniors are being herded off to their classes. Kris eyes his schedule. He has literature first. Joy. He enters the classroom. A seating chart is projected onto the whiteboard. “Find your seats quietly.” The teacher barks from his desk. Kris’s eyes find his seat quickly. He was sitting in the back, next to the window. He bemoans this; he’ll be so tempted to daydream sitting there. Then he notices his desk-mate: Park Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol!? Oh fuck. Kris looks beside him at Chanyeol’s dismayed expression. They’d done their best to avoid one another and they’d done a damn good job too. Even being on baseball together didn’t force them to interact.

Kris is acutely aware of Baekhyun, who has finally untangled himself from Jongdae long enough to go to class, glaring ferociously at him. If looks could kill, Kris would be six feet under and then some. He also becomes aware that he and Chanyeol were the only students still standing in the classroom. The teacher sighs. “Mr. Wu? Mr. Park? Is there a problem?”

Baekhyun begins to open his mouth but Chanyeol reacts faster. “No, sir. There’s no problem.”

Kris and Chanyeol sit. Kris glances over at Chanyeol, who's opening up his notebook. The teacher begins to drone something mundane about what the curriculum they would cover that semester. Kris tears out a piece of his notebook paper and scrawls: _I can ask to change seats. You don’t have to sit next to me_ . He slides it over to Chanyeol, who writes back: _It’s fine. We shouldn’t fuss on the first day_. Kris frowns.

After class, Kris taps Chanyeol’s shoulder. Chanyeol turns to him. “Are you sure? I’ll ask to move. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable.” Chanyeol replies. “Are you uncomfortable?”

Kris balks. Truthfully, he is. He had been the asshole, and he’d never formally apologized. Toying with Chanyeol’s feelings was just another thing on his list of things he’d ruined. “I never wanted to play with your feelings,” he blurts.

“But you did.” Chanyeol points out.

“And I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

“I know. I do forgive you, but Baekhyun probably hasn’t.”

“You forgive too easily.”

“That’s for me to decide. We should hurry; we’ll be late to our next. It’s the first day. We shouldn’t fuss.”

Kris bites back his urge to call out to Chanyeol. He misses Chanyeol as a friend and he only had himself to blame for losing him. Sitting next to him only reminds Kris of when he’d used Chanyeol for his own pleasure. He’s reminded of Chanyeol’s pale, muscular body and how it felt to be pressed against him and how it felt to sink his teeth into that skin. Kris feels immensely guilty when he thinks about Chanyeol.

With Kris’s luck, or karma as it were, his next class’s desk mate is Baekhyun. Kris doesn’t like science and was lucky enough to get into one of the so called “easy” science courses, marine biology. He’s squashed between Baekhyun and Zitao at the lab table.

“I’m only go to say this once.” Baekhyun says coldly. “If you ever hurt Chanyeol’s feelings ever again I will find a way to take a chainsaw, cut you in half, and then set your severed limbs on fire.”

Zitao snorts into his sleeve.

“I don’t intend to hurt Chanyeol’s feelings again.” Kris replies.

“Good.” Baekhyun turns away smugly. “You’ve got a lot more than vinegar heading your way if you’re lying to me.”

Kris rolls his eyes. Baekhyun barely comes up to his shoulder; he isn’t really a threat. Anyway, Kris was being honest. He didn’t want to hurt Chanyeol. He never did.

Kris drags himself through the rest of his classes, happy that he shares few of them with his former friends.

It isn’t until his last period that Kris sees Joonmyun. Yixing was right, Joonmyun looks skeletal. His face is gaunt and his skin seems to stretch tightly across his cheekbones. His dull eyes are ringed with dark circles. His lips,pressed into a thin line. Kris’s stomach twists. Joonmyun looks so different. This miserable little person isn’t his Joonmyun. Kris swallows down the distressed noises in his throat and steels himself. Yixing had warned him.

“Hi,” is all Kris could manage as he slid into a seat beside Joonmyun.

Joonmyun barely looks at him as he mumbles a greeting in response.

Kris licks his lips. “How are you?”

Joonmyun ignores him.

“I missed you.”

Joonmyun still doesn’t look at him. “Why?”

Kris blinks. “I’ve missed you for a while. Since we hardly speak… but that’s my fault.” He cracks a knuckle nervously. “How’s Dongjun?”

“He’s fine. Adjusting well. Playing sports.” Joonmyun says.

“That’s good.” Kris nods. “What about you?”

“You don’t want to hear how I am.” Joonmyun slumps in his seat. “I am empty. I wish I couldn’t feel anything.”

“Are you taking something for the depression?”

“Yes, pills, but they make me feel disconnected. I hate them.”

“But you have to take them.”

Joonmyun shrugs. “I have to do a lot of things to stay here.”

“Like?”

“Grades must be maintained. Curfews must be obeyed. Extracurricular activities must be approved by the shrink. Pills must be taken. Appointments with shrink must be attended.” Joonmyun grunts. “It’s like being in prison. And if I mess up once I’m out of here.”

“Do you want to be here?”

“I don’t want to be with my father.”

Kris wipes his sweaty palms on the sides of his pants. “So I see you spend a lot of time with Jongin. I heard he quit dance team.”

“He did.”

“Sehun was pissed.”

“I know.”

“Yixing was shocked.”

“I figured.”

“I just want to be your friend, Joonmyun.”

“No you don’t.”

Kris gapes. “What?”

“You don’t want to be my friend.”

“Yes I do.”

Joonmyun cocks his head to the side. “I think you just want to sleep with me sometimes. You act so belligerently around Dongjun when he hasn’t done anything to you personally. And whenever we’re alone you try kissing me.”

“Who bestowed that theory upon you?” Kris snarls. “Jongin?”

“Does it matter?”

Kris feels something snap inside of him. “Jongin is an idiot. He is just as insane as you are and in no place to be giving out advice. He should get his own shit in order before slamming me.”

“You think we’re insane?” Joonmyun snaps.

“Oh the two of you are a _we_ now? Your precious boyfriend isn’t going to like that, is he?”

Joonmyun stands up. “Fuck you, Kris. You’re an asshole. Jongin’s right about you: you’re a dickhead.”

“You wound me,” Kris says sarcastically. “I wasted so many of my feelings on you. You’re crazy. You’re even crazier because you want to die and you won’t take any help when all of your fucking friends are bending over backwards to help you and you just spit at all of us and choose Kim Jongin over us.”

Joonmyun glares. “You’re a terrible person.”

Kris feels as if a bucket of ice water has been thrown on him. He stutters. “Wait, wait, Joonmyun, wait. Shit. Fuck. I didn’t mean that. That came out all wrong. I don’t think you’re crazy. I don’t care if you’re friends with Jongin. Fuck, Joonmyun, come back here!”

Joonmyun stalks away as Kris sighs heavily.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”


	28. October

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 6 December 2013 
> 
> Tw: graphic depiction of self-harm

⎘ _What I Talk About When I Talk About Running_ by Haruki Murakami |  “ _Pain in inevitable. Suffering is optional_.”

 

 

Jongin’s basement is a safe haven. Joonmyun doesn’t pretend when it’s almost pitch black in the sub-level room. He’s as raw and ugly on the outside as he is on the inside. The therapist told him not to bottle up his feelings. Joonmyun knows this isn’t what the therapist meant.

The only source of light in the basement is one lone, dull light bulb swinging precariously from a rusty chain. The light itself is weak and watery. The basement is swathed in an unattractive sallow glow. It’s as sickly as the two people who haunt it.

Joonmyun cuts himself in Jongin’s basement. Sitting in his underwear and school shirt, Joonmyun digs the edge of a rust-eaten nail into the skin of his thigh. His wrists are too dangerous and even his torso is too risky. He changes into his gym clothes in a bathroom stall and never wears shorts anyway. Joonymun could make a big fuss if the therapist asked Joonmyun to remove his pants, so his thighs are the safest place. Joonmyun relishes the feeling of warm blood trickling over his cold skin. He takes some sort of twisted pride in the pointillism of blood droplets on the concrete floor.

Jongin sits with him and watches with eyes clouded by alcohol. Jongin doesn’t cut himself anymore. “Cutting is for pussies,” he slurs. “This,” he waves a half-empty bottle of imported hard liquor at Joonmyun, “is how a real man deals with his fucking issues.”

“You’re fucked up.” Joonmyun comments as he dabs at the cuts with a tissue.

“Says the one sitting in his fucking boxers cleaning up his blood.”

“We’re both fucked up.”

“I want to go throttle Kris for you.” Jongin snorts. “He shouldn’t talk down to you.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“And you shouldn’t lie to your boyfriend.” Jongin takes another swig.

Joonmyun stiffens as he begins pulling his pants back on. “I can’t tell him.”

“Isn’t honesty what’s important to a dating relationship?”

“He needs to think I’m recovering. I can’t burden him like that. He’s doing so well at college. I couldn’t drop that kind of bomb on him…”

“You’re so innocent.” Jongin chortles.

“No I’m not.” Joonmyun retorts.

“Being innocent is different from being a virgin.” Jongin says. “You’re innocent because you don’t get fucked up over lusting over someone. You care about Dongjun’s feelings. It’s cute. I didn’t care about Kyungsoo’s feelings. I do now, but it’s too late.” Jongin lifts the bottle back to his lips. “I’m drunk.”

“You’re drunk.” Joonmyun shifts to lean against Jongin. He closes his eyes.

“Kris is a shithead.”

“Yeah, he is.”

“He should shut his mouth around you. You didn’t do anything to him.” Jongin rests his forehead against Joonmyun’s hair. “Except refuse to let him fuck you.”

“It’s to be expected. I’m difficult to deal with. It was only a matter of time before he snapped.” Joonmyun nestles against Jongin. “Dongjun will too one day.”

“If he flips a shit I’ll beat him up too.”

“Is that some sort of hyper-masculine expression of affection? ‘If someone hurts you I’ll beat them up?’” Joonmyun giggles. “You’re not the first one to say that to me.”

“It’s because you’re a fragile little butterfly. You’d get flattened in a fight. We manly men have to protect you… like a damsel in distress.” Jongin mumbles.

Joonmyun playfully elbows Jongin. “I can take care of myself.”

“No you can’t.”

Joonmyun pauses before nestling back beside Jongin. “You’re right, I can’t.”

 

October is considerably cooler than September. Joonmyun doesn’t take his classwork nearly as seriously as he should. His mother’s concerned looks irk him to no end. The concerned looks his friends send him are worse. Luhan is the hardest to look at: the Chinese boy looks pained every time Joonmyun is in his sight. Joonmyun wants to blame Luhan, had Luhan not confronted him the secret wouldn’t have come out, but Joonmyun knows better. Self-harming isn’t a secret that can be kept forever.

Joonmyun does his best to avoid talking to the others. He does a good job of succeeding. Jongin pretty much repels all of them so Joonmyun sticks even closer to Jongin. His friends still manage to get in sideways remarks that get a mere grunt or shrug in reply. It’s hard hearing them talk. It makes Joonmyun want to break down and cry and admit he hasn’t taken recovery seriously, that he doesn’t want to, that he thinks he can’t. Joonmyun spent August hiding in Jongin’s basement crying and wishing he’d just drop dead already because it would be easier.

Dongjun hurts too. Joonmyun makes up excuses not to take phone calls because he knows hearing Dongjun’s voice will open up the floodgates of his emotions. He’s lulled Dongjun into thinking that he’s fine, that he’s doing well. He can’t bear the thought of Dongjun worrying about him when he’s away, so far away, at college. Dongjun hurts because Joonmyun misses him so much. He misses the security of a strong pair of arms that hold him up and cradle him as everything very simply goes to shit. Joonmyun doesn’t want to be a burden. Joonmyun texts that everything is okay even though nothing is.

 

Luhan plops right down next to Joonmyun at lunch.

“Jongin sits there,” is the first thing that comes out of Joonmyun’s mouth.

“I’ll be gone in five minutes, I promise. He’s still on the lunch line.” Luhan replies. “I just want to tell you that I really miss you and I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything for you before. I want us to be close again. The eleven of us, no twelve, even Kyungsoo, I want us all to be best friends again. Is that silly? We’re sixteen.” Luhan sighs. “I don’t know if you want that too, but just in case you do, there’s going to be a big Halloween party in two weeks. Changmin’s throwing it and his house is huge. You should come with the rest of us. It’ll be fun.”

“But I don’t want to have fun?” Joonmyun frowns. The prospect of a party, filled with people, was more terrifying than any Halloween horror film.

“You can bring Jongin.”

“I don’t think he’d want to go…”

Luhan’s eyes look watery. “Joonmyun…”

Joonmyun feels his resolve fading. The old him is screaming, tearing at his insides. _BE NORMAL, DAMMIT. GO TO A PARTY AND HAVE FUN_. “Do you really want me to go?”

“Yes. I really do.”

“Then I’ll go.”

Luhan pulls Joonmyun into a big hug. Joonmyun cringes. Luhan doesn’t notice.

 

“Why’d you agree?” Jongin picks at something under his nails.

“I can’t say no to some people.” Joonmyun replies.

“Do people even dress up for these things?” Jongin rolls his eyes. “For us at least no costume is necessary. We’re scary as it is.”

“A horror movie writer’s wildest dream.”

“A couple of headcases.”

“What a duo.” Joonmyun drawls. “And let me guess there’s some ridiculously attractive love interest who rescues one of them from the throes of their misery while the other one bites the dust.”

“Well I guess Dongjun fits that bill.”

Joonmyun freezes. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh, so I have a Prince Charming lined up somewhere?”

“Maybe, because Dongjun isn’t going to be with me forever.”

“I never said forever, just long enough to keep you from bleeding out down here.”

“Please stop,” Joonmyun whimpers. “Let’s not talk about this anymore.”

“Sorry.” Jongin tilts his head sideways and presses his lips against Joonmyun’s temple. It’s an innocent gesture, a simple apology. Joonmyun can practically hear Kris sneering at him, “ _Your boyfriend isn’t going to like that_.” But this isn’t wrong. It can’t be, not when Jongin and Joonmyun are the only ones who can hold each other up.

“Don’t you have pills to take?” Jongin asks after a few moments.

“I don’t want to. I hate them.”

Jongin takes a shallow breath. “Then don’t take them.”

Joonmyun stares. “What?”

Jongin takes Joonmyun by the hand and leads him upstairs into the small bathroom. They crouch by the toilet. Jongin takes Joonmyun’s pill bottle from him. He stares at the smaller boy meaningfully. Joonmyun takes it back and uncaps the bottle, and with trembling hands, tips it over the bowl. Each pill plops into the toilet with a soft plink. When all the pills are submerged Jongin reaches for Joonmyun’s hand. He gives it a squeeze as Joonmyun flushes. The water roars and Joonmyun’s ears ring. He looks at Jongin, his whole body shaking.

“Am I doing the right thing?” he asks.

“Yeah, this is right.” Jongin reassures him.

Joonmyun gasps for air, falling back on his heels. “Then why does it feel like I’m killing myself?”

Silence is the answer.

 

Joonmyun begins to understand why Jongin drinks himself into oblivion to alleviate his emotional aches. Joonmyun is so drunk that colors blur in his vision and he can barely stand up straight let alone think about anything. It’s glorious to be so inebriated and disconnected. Joonmyun’s chest doesn’t hurt. Nothing hurts. His body is in the clouds and he’s perfectly content to be hungover and pained tomorrow morning if tonight nothing hurts.

He stumbles around, feeling nauseous. He bumps into someone and slurs out an apology. A hand grips him by the shoulder and jerks him to the side. “Are you drunk?” a voice demands.

“No,” Joonmyun hiccups. The voice is familiar. The hand is familiar.

“You’re fucking drunk. I’m taking you home.”

“No,” Joonmyun tries to resist. “Jongin…”

“Is sober and can go home by himself. Let’s go.”

Joonmyun lets himself be led, swimming in his alcohol-soaked brain trying to remember why this person seems familiar. He feels the cold sting of air on his face, jolting him slightly.

“Shit, where’s your jacket?”

“Don’t have one.”

“Hang on,” Joonmyun feels a heavy, large jacket slide over his shoulders. “Wear this.”

Puzzle pieces slowly click into place. Joonmyun leans against a strong shoulder. “Thanks.”

Joonmyun lets his mind wander and spaces out until he notices he’s in a house and someone is untying his shoes. He feels himself being led and sat down on a bed.

“Wait, stay with me.” Joonmyun whispers. “Don’t go.”

“I won’t,” the voice promises.

Joonmyun tugs at the arm and catches him off guard. With a grunt, he falls on top of Joonmyun. The weight feels familiar. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

Joonmyun grips onto shoulders and nips at the junction of an ear. He kisses a neck and bites at soft flesh.

“Stop that.” The voice growls.

Joonmyun doesn’t want to. He has no feeling in his fingers and he wants to just pour out all of his feelings that are slowly emerging from the fog of his drunkenness. It hurts. He wants to be held and soothed and told everything would be okay. He needs that.

“I want you.” Joonmyun ruts his hips against the other. “I need you.”

“Stop.” The voice pleads.

“Don’t you love me?” Joonmyun asks.

“I do, which is why we shouldn’t do this. You’re drunk.”

“I don’t care. It hurts. Please make it not hurt.” Joonmyun presses his lips against another pair. “I’m lying to you. I’m not okay. It hurts. I feel like I’m dying.”

“Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere. And you left me.” Joonmyun feels tears run down his cheeks. “You left me. I miss you so much.”

“Joonmyun.”

“ _Dongjun_.”  Joonmyun sobs. “I miss you. Please come back to me.”

Kris freezes, staring at the crying Joonmyun in his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Forget it. I’m so burdensome, I’m sorry.”

“No, no. Let’s talk when you’re sober.” Kris says as gently as he can. He feels the stupidity washing over him. It’s never Kris. It’s always Dongjun. And by now, Kris thinks he should know better.

“Please don’t go.” Joonmyun begs, clawing at Kris’s arm.

“I won’t. I’ll stay.” Kris sits on the edge of the bed, rubbing his thumb over Joonmyun’s knuckles, feeling something shattering inside of him all over again.


	29. November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 13 December 2013
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm, sexual assault

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYVFi4-fmqY) **Zico** \- _Cocks_ | “ _If you haven’t experienced frustration, don’t hope for joy_.”

 

 

Dating the school gossip had one perk: finding out about the latest news first.

“You know that party Changmin threw on Halloween?” Jongdae asks Baekhyun between kisses.

“That one Luhan got us all to go to? What about it?” Baekhyun replies.

“Joonmyun and Jongin went.” Jongdae says. “And Joonmyun got shitfaced.”

“I find that hard to believe.” Baekhyun snorts. “Joonmyun has always been one of those tightly laced people.”

“That’s not the best part,” Jongdae chirps. “Kris took him home.”

“And felt him up while he was drunk off his ass?”

“No evidence of that. But Jongin did get in Kris’s face yesterday.”

“Damn, can’t believe I missed that. I’m sure it was nasty.”

“I think you would’ve found it more scary than funny.” Jongdae pecks the side of Baekhyun’s mouth. “I thought they were going to start duking it out.”

“Testosterone makes you do that I guess.” Baekhyun stretches his arms out lazily.

“You sound so sadistic. I know you don’t like either of them but still… it’d be bad for Joonmyun to get stressed over those two being idiotic and male.” Jongdae chides.

“It’s hard to be sympathetic. Kris should just leave Joonmyun alone. And I have no idea what Jongin’s thinking.” Baekhyun nudges Jongdae’s side gently. “And I’m still mad about Kris and Chanyeol.”

“But Chanyeol’s not.”

“He can’t stay mad at anyone. Not me. Not Kris. Not anybody. He’s too nice.”

“He is, but he can clearly handle himself.” Jongdae pouts. “I’m starting to get jealous. You dote on Chanyeol more than you dote on me.”

Baekhyun swats Jongdae’s nose. “Hush, Chanyeol is like my little brother.”

“Even though he’s much taller.”

“Yah!”

“No making out in the hallway!” Minseok shouts as he passes by.

 

“Get out of there, Joonmyun. I talked to him, I told you!” Jongin raps his knuckles against the bathroom door. God knows what Joonmyun was doing in there.

“It doesn’t matter!” Joonmyun sobs out. “I can’t remember anything! What if I did something stupid? I don’t know what I did! All I remember was waking up in his house. I don’t know what happened.”

“He didn’t touch you. I told you.”

“But what did I do to him?”

“You think you’d try to feel him up?”

“I was drunk, Jongin. I’ve never been drunk before. I have no idea what I’d do.”

“Just open the door. We’ll talk about this.”

The lock clicks and Jongin pushes the door open. He finds Joonmyun huddled beside the toilet, rocking himself in the fetal position. He sighs and crouches down beside Joonmyun. Joonmyun wipes at his tears.

“Do you know what it’s like not knowing about something you did? I’m just scared I did something to humiliate myself.”

“Does it really matter? It’s just Kris.”

“It matters.” Joonmyun states.

“So we’ll go talk to him.” Jongin strokes Joonmyun’s hair. “Don’t stress out about it.”

“I stress out about everything.”

“Did you cut?”

Joonmyun shakes his head.

“Don’t. Not over Kris. He’s not worth it.”

“Jongin?” Joonmyun rests his forehead against Jongin’s chest. “Why don’t you like Kris?”

“Because he’s a dick and he makes you cry.” Jongin scratches the back of Joonmyun’s neck soothingly. “I went to ask him what happened to you at that party because you were freaking out about it and he was acting like he wanted to start fighting.”

“You probably approached him very belligerently.”

“I did and he and I almost got into it.”

“Don’t fight with him.”

“I won’t. Get up, you can’t be late to class. I’ll walk you there and after class we’ll talk to Kris, okay?” Jongin pulls Joonmyun to his feet.

“You should worry about yourself,” Joonmyun mutters as Jongin guided him down the hallway. “You have problems too.”

“You worry about me. I worry about you. And neither of us deals with our own shit. That’s a pretty toxic relationship, Joon.” Jongin snortes.

Joonmyun’s eyes water. “How can we laugh about this?”

“Hey, don’t cry. People will start giving me ugly looks.” Jongin swipes his thumbs at Joonmyun’s new tears. “How long has it been since you took your medicine?”

“Five weeks?”

“Shit.”

“Can’t I just skip class?”

“No.” Jongin pushes Joonmyun towards the door. “Sit quickly, before you’re late. I’ll be here when the bell rings. I promise. Let’s talk later.”

 

“Perk up.”

“No.”

“Wufan.”

“Yixing.”

Yixing sighs. “You know the surface of this table is dirty.”

“I’m aware, still don’t give a shit.”

Yixing sighs again. He and Wufan sit at the lunch table in the farthest corner. Yixing picks at his rice while Wufan’s forehead stays glued to the tabletop the entire lunch period.

Luhan comes bounding over with Sehun in tow. “He’s still moping?” he asks. Yixing nods. Luhan and Sehun sigh in unison.

“Will everyone stop sighing at me?” Wufan growls without lifting his head.

“Nope. Anyway, Jongdae says you and Jongin almost got into a fight earlier. I don’t actually care about that, but Jongdae says the reason is because you took a very drunk Joonmyun home on Halloween. What the hell happened?”

“Nothing.” Wufan snarls. “Nothing happened.”

“Really? Jongin barely ever leaves Joonmyun’s side these days so it must’ve been something.” Luhan glares. “What’d you do?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Wufan’s head snaps up. “He was really drunk so I took him home so he could lie down and not throw up at Changmin’s place.”

“You were totally planning something.”

“Luhan, for fuck’s sake, I was not!”

“With your track record, I hardly believe there was no ulterior motive.”

“I didn’t do anything. When he woke up he freaked out and fucking  _ ran. _ I go to school the next day and Jongin’s in my face asking what I did and I was going to strangle him because it isn’t his business.” Wufan growls.

“So something did happen.” Yixing says. “Why else would Joonmyun bolt like that?”

“Xing, nothing happened.”

“Well tell that to Joonmyun’s face because here he and Jongin come.” Sehun mutters.

“I need to talk to Kris.” Jongin announces. Joonmyun cowers behind him.

“You can talk to me right here.” Wufan snarls. He sees Joonmyun flinch.

Jongin scowls. “I’d rather not.”

“Why?” Wufan spits. He can see Joonmyun tugging at Jongin’s arm, trying to get him to leave. It makes his stomach roil.

Jongin sighs. “It’s about earlier, so don’t be difficult.”

Wufan stands up because this punk is pissing him off.

“Wufan, sit down.” Yixing says.

Wufan ignores him. “We’re all friends here, right Jongin? Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of friends.”

Luhan sighs. “Wufan…”

Jongin bristles. Joonymun trembles. Wufan is poised to attack.

It’s Joonmyun that speaks, even though Jongin opens his mouth to say something first. “I just want to know what happened that night… because I can’t remember anything.” Joonmyun bites his lip anxiously. “I just want to know… because I’m worried I did something stupid.”

“Nothing happened.” Wufan says flatly.

“O-o-okay.” Joonmyun stammers, face flaming. He tugs at Jongin. “Thank you.”

“You did something and I  _ know _ you did something.” Jongin snaps.

“Really?” Wufan sneers. “You seem to know a lot about me.”

“You’re an asshole and that’s really all anyone needs to know right?” Jongin says. “You’d pull something and everybody knows it. You seem to have a history.”

“What about you?” Wufan challenges. “You two seem to be spending an awful lot of time together.”

Jongin’s glare hardens. “What are you saying?”

“Well you know, with  _ your _ history. Who’s to say you aren’t going to do to Joonmyun what you did to Kyungsoo…?”

Wufan barely finishes the word “Kyungsoo” because Jongin punches him in the jaw. Pain explodes on the side of Wufan’s face.

“How dare you,” Jongin spits. “How dare you say  _ his _ name in front of me… How dare you think I’d ever hurt Joonmyun…” His fists rain down on Wufan. “You bastard.”

Wufan digs his elbow into Jongin’s side, dislodging his assailant momentarily. He flings out his arm and whacks Jongin’s face. “Get off of me!”

Sehun steps in, wedging himself between the two, shoving Jongin away into the arms of Luhan and Yixing and then turning to push against Wufan who wants to get his own hits in. Another pair of hands join Sehun’s as Chanyeol appears. He seizes Wufan by the arms and pulls. Baekhyun joins Luhan and Yixing.

“Really you two,” Luhan huffs, keeping a vice grip on Jongin. “This is idiotic.”

“Luhan,” Jongin growls. “Get Joonmyun out of here.”

“What?”

“Get him out before the principal shows up. He can’t get in trouble. Custody thing. Pohang. Get him out of here.” Jongin clarifies through his teeth.

Luhan grabs a sobbing Joonmyun by the wrist and loops out of the cafeteria.

The principal enters the cafeteria moments later, glowering. “Really now, you’re juniors, this is not acceptable.” He barks. “All of you in my office.”

 

“What custody thing?” Luhan asks after Joonmyun has calmed down.

“If I get into any trouble I’m getting moved.” Joonmyun says as he wipes at his eyes.

“That’s kind of harsh.”

Joonmyun shrugs.

“What’s going on with you and Jongin?” Luhan asks.

“We’re friends.”

“Really? Jongin seems really possessive and protective of you.”

“He worries about me.”

Luhan sighs. “Don’t be so vague, Joonmyun. I know I don’t know anything, but from the outside looking in, it sure looks like there’s something more than friendship going on.”

“That’s absurd.” Joonmyun says weakly. “We’re just friends. I’m still dating Dongjun.”

Luhan nods, not believing one word of it.

 

“They fought? Those fucktards.” Minseok shakes his head. “And I can’t believe you got into trouble too.”

“What do you expect? It’s us. We’re a fabulous group of people who manage to get into every form of shit on earth.” Zitao snorts.

“Still, I can’t really blame Jongin for snapping. Wufan really crossed the line…” Luhan sighs.

“What’d he say?” Minseok asks.

“He said Jongin was going to do to Joonmyun what he did to Kyungsoo.”

The whole group flinches.

“That’s excessively nasty.” Baekhyun says.

“Really? You’re the one who was pushing for a fight.” Jongdae drawls.

“You were right, it was too terrifying to be enjoyable.” Baekhyun mutters.

“They both must be hurting inside so much to have it manifest like that on the outside.” Chanyeol says. “It doesn’t seem like something either of them would do.”

“Really? Fighting is right up Jongin’s alley. You can’t deny the fact Jongin is manipulative and prone to violence. Look at what he did to Kyungsoo. And freshman year he punched Yixing in the face!” Baekhyun protests.

“That might be true, but he was so quiet last year. Why would he flare up like this now? And it isn’t like Wufan to be like that.”

“How can you say that? After what he did to you?” Baekhyun covers his ears. “And I don’t want to hear this ‘he was confused’ bit. He should never have done that to you.”

“There’s nothing left to do, Baekhyun. He apologized to me. I forgave him. I’m willing to move on. Why stay hurt over it? It isn’t productive.” Chanyeol says.

“Productivity isn’t the point. Wufan should have a better grip on his life.” Minseok quips. “It isn’t normal behavior to exploit an innocent crush to make up for unrequited lust.”

“He’s right.” Zitao adds.

Chanyeol sighs. “It was my body, don’t I get to choose whether or not I’m over this? I’m over it. They all need serious help. Aren’t we supposed to be their friends? Shouldn’t we help them?”

“I say first we canonize you as Saint Chanyeol, patron saint of the bleeding hearts.” Zitao says scathingly.

“But Chanyeol is right… they need help. And I think Wufan is right to suspect something going on between Jongin and Joonmyun. It just sits with me wrong.” Luhan sighs.

“I think something’s up with the two of them too… is Joonmyun still with Dongjun?” Jongdae asks.

“He says they are.” Luhan replies.

Jongdae purses his lips. “You don’t think Joonmyun would cheat on Dongjun? Do you?”

“Joon worships the ground Dongjun walks on. I don’t think he’s capable of doing that. And he was batting away Wufan all last year in the name of his relationship.” Zitao says.

“It just feels like something’s up.” Luhan sighs. “I wish they’d talk to us.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Jongin kisses Joonmyun’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not upset with you.” Joonmyun hiccups.

“You cut?”

“How could I not?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Wufan shouldn’t have said that to you.”

“I’ll kill him next time.” Jongin promises.

“Killing him isn’t the answer.” Joonmyun tells him.

“It’ll suffice for now.” Jongin’s lips find Joonmyun’s. “And I’m still sorry.”

Joonmyun leans into Jongin. His lips brush Jongin’s. “I forgive you.”

 

Kris stares at the phone number. He got it last September. He can still vividly remember how he got it.

“Listen,” Dongjun had told him. “Thank you for telling me that. Joonmyun hasn’t really opened up to me about that. I’m glad he has someone like you to talk to and I’m glad you’re concerned about him.” He scrawled something on a piece of paper. “This is my number, just in case you ever want to tell me anything. I don’t mean like, spy on Joonmyun and report back to me, but if you’re ever worried and want to tell me… Well, that sounds creepy too. But you understand, right? And of course if  _ you  _ ever want to talk about something feel free to text or something.” Dongjun smiled. “You seem like a really nice guy, Kris. I’m happy Joonmyun has a friend like you.”

Kris takes a deep breath before typing out a simple message:  _ We need to talk. It’s about Joonmyun. _


	30. December (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 20 December 2013 
> 
> Cw: mention of self-harm, sexually abusive language

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FFW764qcqk&t=40s) **Block B** \- _Be the Light_ | “ _It’s dark and I can’t see. I put my hand out but only wind clashes. I don’t know why, but this place is strange. I’m getting used to this misery. I live like a shadow_.”

 

 

Kris feels as if he’s living a double life and he isn’t quite sure where he got lost. He’s stuck between the Kris he is at school, the one who barely talks anymore but still shows his teeth when he smiles at Yixing to hide the war raging behind his eyes, and the Kris who talks to Dongjun for hours, dissecting Joonmyun and all of his secrets and intricacies. Kris doesn’t know where he is in the swirls of lies that he’s trapped himself in. He doesn’t know anything. He only knows his house is empty, his heart is empty; he is just fucking empty.

Kris at school doesn’t raise his hand to answer questions and could almost blend in with the lockers if it weren’t for the enraged looks Jongin sends him. Kris wants to punch him. No one understands that he doesn’t wake up in the morning with the aim to make Joonmyun miserable. It hurts him to affect Joonmyun so negatively. But whining that no one understands him is not a level Kris would like to sink down to, so he sits mutely, stewing in misery.

The first time Kris called Dongjun he got a shock.

“He didn’t tell you anything?” Kris scratched his head, utterly bewildered.

“No,” Dongjun replied. He sighed deeply. “I don’t understand. He knows he can trust me.”

Kris bit his lip. He had no idea that Joonmyun had been, well, lying to Dongjun about his emotional state. Dongjun had been genuinely confused when Kris had told him about Joonmyun’s fragility. Kris hadn’t held back many details about Joonmyun’s roller coaster emotions, but he was unsure of how to approach the issues of Joonmyun’s drunken episode and relationship with Jongin.

“I really am baffled. Why wouldn’t he tell me the truth?” Dongjun sighed.

Kris swallowed a lump in his throat. “Don’t take this the wrong way… but Joonmyun thinks you ran out on him.”

“What?”

“On Halloween, Luhan got him to go with us to a party Changmin was throwing. Joonmyun got really drunk so I took him home so he could lay down and sleep it off. He, um, sort of came onto me, but he thought I was you. Nothing happened, but he started crying and asking why you’d left him. Then he apologized for being a burden.”

Dongjun sighed again, heavier. “He isn’t… He never believes me when I say he’s not.”

“There’s one more thing…” Kris braced himself. “Luhan thinks there’s something off about the way Joonmyun and Jongin interact.”

“Off how?” Dongjun sounded weary.

“They say they’re just friends but Luhan thinks something’s fishy. That they seem too close.”

“What do you think?”

“Jongin’s being his bodyguard. But it does seem strange.”

“I’m coming to see my parents at the end of the month. I’m seeing Joonmyun too. We’ll have a lot to discuss.”

Kris was left bewildered and shaking. He had thought talking to Dongjun would calm him, instead it left him more confused. Why was Joonmyun hiding? Joonmyun adored Dongjun. Then again, Kris knew Joonmyun was secretive. Was he meddling by spilling the beans? Was he being concerned? Kris just doesn’t know.

 

“We shouldn’t do this.”

“Why? What’s wrong about it?”

Joonmyun has no answer. Jongin strokes the side of his face gently. Joonmyun tells himself that what he and Jongin do is innocent. There’s no romantic of lustful motivation; it’s innocent.

“We shouldn’t…” Joonmyun repeats unsteadily.

Jongin kisses him gently. “You think I’d hurt you?”

“No, but we shouldn’t… I have a…”

“A boyfriend who abandoned you,” Jongin finishes scathingly. “And a friend who comforts you. Because we’re both train wrecks and I don’t know how to help you other than this.” Jongin presses his lips harder against Joonmyun’s. “I care about you.”

“I know you do. I think you’re the only one who does.” Joonmyun murmurs.

“Then let me do this.” Jongin whispers.

Joonmyun relents, squashing the feelings inside him. He’s not cheating. This isn’t cheating. It’s innocent. The feeling pushes its way back up Joonmyun’s throat.  _ Why does it feel like you’re cheating? _ it sneers.

Joonmyun doesn’t want to consider the answer.

 

“I’m fucking exhausted.” Kris grunts.

“Were you cramming for the trig test?” Yixing asks.

Kris almost says “no” because he wasn’t, but remembers he’s contacting Dongjun incognito and replies “yeah, and I still don’t feel ready.” Shit, he really forgot to study.

Yixing pats his shoulder sympathetically. “Just show a lot of work. Mr. Choi gives lots of points for showing you sort of get the process.”

Kris smiles halfheartedly. He tries not to think of Dongjun as Mr. Choi hands out the test, but fails. He scribbles down what he thinks makes sense – because who the hell needs to know what a sine is anyway? – and lets his mind wander.

“Has he always been secretive?” Dongjun asked. “You’ve known him longer.”

“No,” Kris replied. “He used to be really sociable. His parents got divorced right before ninth grade. It was really ugly. He was staying with him mother’s family while the divorce got sorted, and he started cutting. None of us had contact with him. He came back really withdrawn.”

“I remember thinking he was shy.”

“He wasn’t, not before that summer. He was outgoing and bright and friendly.”

“Were you two very close?”

Kris swallowed down the lump in his throat. “We were best friends. Us Chinese kids… it was hard to fit in at first. We were so shy, so afraid to talk. And Joonmyun, as a kindergartener, reached out to us. We were really close.”

“Then it changed?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t just him; I changed too. I guess we stopped being compatible.”

“I don’t know what to make of it.” Dongjun sighed. “What’s going through his head?”

 

“Stop crying.”

Luhan rounds the corner apprehensively.

“Please, stop.”

Jongin has Joonmyun pinned against the wall, the smaller boy wracked with sobs. Jongin is supporting Joonmyun, and petting his hair.

“Joonmyun, don’t cry.”

Joonmyun breathes raggedly. “I feel like he knows and I’m going to suffocate because he can’t know. He can’t. He just can’t.”

“How could he possibly know? You didn’t say anything. He doesn’t know. You’re overthinking again. Joon, just breathe.” Jongin kisses Joonmyun’s forehead. “Just calm down.”

Luhan thinks he’s going to barf.

 

“You know that junior? The skinny one?”

“Which skinny one? The majority of the school is skinny, dumbass.”

A faucet turns on. “The nut. Kim Dongjun’s charity case.”

“Oh yeah, my  _ noona _ was on newspaper with him her freshman year. Forgot his name, but they’re classmates. What about him?”

“And you know that Kim Jongin? The one who raped a kid a few years back?”

“Everyone knows him.”

The faucet turns off. “I heard they’re a  _ thing _ .”

“Bullshit. The head case has Kim Dongjun wrapped around his finger.”

“Nope, Dongjun’s in Busan. And while he’s in Busan, the nut’s been screwing around.”

“What a slut. And of all the people to fuck around with…”

A paper towel is torn off from the dispenser. “He’s totally a slut. And you know Kris Wu? Basketball player? The nut was messing around with him too…”

The voices leave the bathroom but Joonmyun stays, locked in his stall, breathing shallowly. His chest aches and he scrapes at the scars on his thighs. He doesn’t have a name. The fucking underclassmen, the snotty brats who are supposed to respect him, talk about him like this. Joonmyun hisses as blood bubbles up on his skin. The sting does nothing to ease his chest pains.

Later, when Jongin tries to kiss him, he pulls away.

 

“You’re not serious.”

“I am.” Luhan whispers in Mandarin. “Jongin kissed his forehead! Xing, we’ve been best friends for eleven years now and my lips have never made voluntary contact with your body. That is not something normal. Something is going on.”

“But Joonmyun doesn’t even seem capable of killing a mosquito, let alone cheat on his boyfriend who he adores.” Yixing replies.

“Do you think he’s substituting Jongin for Dongjun because he’s so far away?” Zitao suggests.

Luhan shrugs. “Maybe, but still… I knew something was wrong. Listen, can this stay between us? If anything, don’t let Jongdae find out about this. You know him, he’ll spread this everywhere and if everyone knows Joonmyun is going to panic and Jongin will go hunt some people down.”

“And Wufan will stick his nose in,” Yixing says snidely.

“We won’t tell.” Zitao promises.

 

“Do you really think something’s going on between them?” Baekhyun asks.

“I’ve been hearing lots of stuff, but none of it’s reputable.” Jongdae replies.

“Who’s been saying what?”

“Underclassmen have been saying dumb stuff. They seem to think Joonmyun is just sleeping with people. Which is untrue. He ain’t a virgin, but he isn’t shaking it all over town.”

“Bad image,” Baekhyun groans. “And where are they getting that from?”

“Who knows? I heard Yixing complaining that paint keeps going missing from the art room. I bet the sophomores have been sniffing it.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Were we that stupid last year?”

“I think it’s an age thing. Maybe they’ll grow out of it.”

“God, you sound like my mom talking about my brother and his love of video games.”

“Isn’t he seven?”

“And addicted already, yes.”

“He’s kind of cute though.”

“He’s a twerpy cockblocker. I want to break him in half.”

“Aww, my Baekhyunnie, do you want to have alone time with me?”

“Urgh, don’t flatter yourself.”

“You’re pretty when you’re disgusted.”

“Scratch that, I want to break  _ you _ in half.”

“Kinky.”

“Kim Jongdae!”

 

Dongjun texts him:  _ Hi, beautiful. How are you today? _

_ I’m a wreck _ , is what Joonmyun itches to respond, but can’t. How do you tell someone that you’ve worked so hard to lull into a false sense of security that you’re not fine at all? How do you tell someone you spent the afternoon digging razorblades into your legs because a couple of brats called you a slut? How do you tell someone that you might just have cheated on him, even though you’re still in love?

“Are you going to answer him?” Jongin asks, his lips brushing against Joonmyun’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Joonmyun says shakily.

_ I’m fine today. What about you? _

It’s just safer to lie.

A new text:  _ I’m visiting Seoul at the end of the month. I can’t wait to see you. _

Joonmyun’s mouth goes dry. Jongin freezes beside him.

Oh shit.


	31. December (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 29 December 2013
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm

⎘ _1Q84_ by Haruki Murakami | “ _I'm tired of living unable to love anyone. I don't have a single friend - not one. And, worst of all, I can't even love myself_.”

 

 

“Look at me.”

“Should I look for something?”

“Look at my legs.”

Jongin runs his fingertips over the scars littering Joonmyun’s thighs. “Skinny,” he remarks.

“Fuck… Jongin, look.” Joonmyun sighs. “ _Look_.”

“There are scars. I’ve seen them before.”

“Yes, but Dongjun hasn’t. And he can’t know they’re there.”

Jongin shrugs. “Then keep your pants on.”

Joonmyun groans. “I don’t think you understand me…”

“You’re scared because Dongjun is coming back to Seoul for a few days, expects to see you healthy but you’re a fucking mess, and you have scars all over your legs that weren’t there when he left you. I understand.” Jongin says.

“How is he going to react when he realizes I’ve just been lying to him?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

“Jongin, I can never tell what he’s thinking. It’s _terrifying_.”

“How can you date someone like that?” Jongin asks, pressing his lips against a scar close to Joonmyun’s knee.

Joonmyun jerks away. “And that needs to stop!”

“What?”

“You know what,” Joonmyun says, hopping back into his pants. “The kissing. It needs to stop.”

Jongin sighs. “Do not launch into a speech about how you think that’s cheating.”

“But isn’t it? I’m not… I’m not… Jongin, I don’t want to be that person.”

“What person? Joonmyun, you aren’t making any fucking sense. You’re overthinking everything. So what if Dongjun finds out that you’re not any healthier? He might be upset you didn’t tell him but he babies you so much he’ll probably just carry on babying you. As for the kissing,” Jongin grits his teeth. “Tell me stop and I’ll stop. But you don’t seem to care very much when it’s happening.”

“And that is very wrong of me. It shouldn’t have started. I should’ve said no from the start. It’s not right.” Joonmyun says.

Jongin grasps Joonmyun’s wrist. “What’s wrong about me comforting you?”

“Nothing, just don’t do it that way.”

“Joonmyun. What the fuck.”

Joonmyun’s eyes well up with tears. “I’m not… I’m not a slut, Jongin. I have a boyfriend. And I love him. So much. And I can’t be kissing you when I have him…”

“Who called you a slut?” Jongin’s fingers clench around Joonmyun’s thin wrist.

“No one, I just feel wrong…”

“That isn’t true. Who said that? I’m going to tear their heads off.”

“It’s no one!” Joonmyun wails, prying Jongin’s fingers away. “I don’t want you fighting.”

“I don’t care, Joon. You’re more important and I don’t want people upsetting you for no reason.” Jongin growls. “Was it Kris?”

“No it wasn’t. Not everything bad comes from him. Just stop.” Joonmuyn sniffles.

“Don’t cry.” Jongin sighs. “Please, don’t cry.”

 

“It’s just so annoying. It happened to me, not them. And I’m over it. Why aren’t they?” Chanyeol whines.

“They’re your friends. They’re worried about you.” Kyungsoo answers.

“I know they mean well, but honestly, school is such a mess. I wonder how we managed to keep the group in relative shape. We’re all divided. I feel like Joonmyun and Jongin just hate all of us and Kris hates them and we’re all stuck in the middle.” Chanyeol says sadly.

“They’re all still hurting. Give them time. It’ll get better.”

“Are you better?”

Kyungsoo smiles wistfully. “No, and I may never be. But I’m not afraid like I used to be. June was a really bad relapse, but it’s gotten better again. Therapy helps. I know that it’s going to get better eventually.”

“I’m glad. I wish my friends would understand that I am fine. I don’t resent Kris and I’m not hurt anymore. He seems more uncomfortable than I am.”

“It’s probably the guilt.”

“He apologized and I accepted the apology. Dragging it out like this doesn’t feel like it does any good.” Chanyeol sighs.

“Just give it time. Time heals all wounds, after all.”

 

Luhan intervenes the next time it happens.

“What the hell are you doing?” he demands, pulling Jongin away from Joonmyun. Jongin wrenches his arm away. Joonmyun bursts into tears.

“It’s not what it looks like!” he cries.

“Like hell it isn’t. There isn’t really another explanation for you and Jongin kissing, is there?” Luhan growls. “Joonmyun, what are you thinking?”

Jongin grabs Luhan by the collar and slams him against the wall. “Don’t say anything about this.” Jongin threatens. “Because you have no idea what’s going on.”

“Take your hands off of me and don’t tell me what you think I don’t know.” Luhan snaps, fighting the shaking in his legs.

“You’re getting on my nerves, Luhan.” Jongin snarls.

“You heard him, get your hands off.” Sehun seizes Jongin by the wrist and tears him away from Luhan. Sehun steps in front of Luhan protectively. “Don’t ever put your hands on Luhan ever again.”

“Tell your boyfriend,” Jongin spits, “to mind his own fucking business.”

Joonmyun pulls at Jongin’s arm. “Stop, just stop.”

“Something’s wrong with both of you! I just want to help but you’re doing something really messed up.” Luhan shouts. He pushes past Sehun and latches onto Joonmyun’s quaking shoulders. “All I want to do is help you, Joonmyun, but I can’t if you don’t let anyone in. Something isn’t right and I know it’s not.”

“What do you know?” Jongin sneers.

Luhan ignores Jongin. “It’s not right to cheat on Dongjun like this unless you broke up…”

“I’m not cheating on him!” Joonmyun sobs. “I’m _not_. I told you, it’s not what it looks like.”

“Then explain it to me, Joonmyun.” Luhan sighs.

“He doesn’t have to explain anything. Leave him alone and mind your own damn business.” Jongin drags Joonmyun away.

“What was that all about? Are you hurt? What happened, Lulu?” Sehun fusses over a frazzled Luhan.

“They were kissing.” Luhan blurts. “I don’t understand the two of them… just what the hell is going on?”

 

Luhan breaks his own promise to not let Jongdae catch wind of Joonmyun and Jongin’s off relationship. By blabbing to Sehun he inadvertently blabbed to all of their friends as Sehun fumed about it to Minseok and Zitao and they told Jongdae.

Ah, the circle of gossip.

Jongdae corners him and questions him. “How did I not notice that? How did you?”

“For the love of Jesus, Mary, and the donkey can you please keep this on the down low?” Luhan hisses. “If anything, please do not let Wufan hear about this. He’s been really combative about all of this and I do not want another ugly fight.”

“But what’s going on? It doesn’t make sense.” Jongdae says. “Joonmyun is madly, madly in tooth-rotting love with Dongjun. And he seems pretty damn committed. What’s so special about Jongin that he’d change?”

“I don’t know, but please, Jongdae, do not spread this all over school.”

“I won’t. This I really won’t blab about.”

 

Jongdae is true to his word, instead confiding in Baekhyun about the oddity of it all. Minseok and Zitao have varying theories and reasons but none of them make sense. Chanyeol spends his free periods puzzling over it.

Try as they might, Kris does end up finding out through the grapevine and confronts Joonmyun about it.

“How do you think Dongjun would react if he knew?” Kris asks.

Joonmyun freezes. “Knew what?” he trembles.

Kris stares appraisingly. “You know what. The new object of your affection.”

“Jongin is not my…”

“Deny it as much as you want, but it doesn’t look good, does it?”

Joonmyun’s eyes well up with tears. “Why are you doing this to me? You, you of all people, know how much I’m hurting. Why would you hurt me more? Why? Everything you ever told me, that you loved me, that you wanted to help me, that you would be there to support me, was that all just a lie? Was everything between us a lie?”

Kris fights to keep his composure. “You chose this.” He feels something ripping apart in his chest.

“You would blame me because I’m not as emotionally stable as you are? Because I didn’t choose you? How is that my fault? Wufan, I didn’t ask for this. I spend nights wishing I was dead so I didn’t have to go through this anymore. Every day is agony.” Joonmyun whimpers.

Kris doesn’t know when he became this person. He doesn’t know why it doesn’t hurt him when Joonmyun cries.

“I just always hoped you wouldn’t be someone who hurts me.”

Kris turns on his heel and bumps into Chanyeol on his way out of the bathroom. Chanyeol pushes inside, finding Joonmyun on the floor tearing at his hair as he screams into his knees. Chanyeol pulls Joonmyun into a sitting position and into a hug. Joonmyun clings to him, sobbing. Joonmyun just wants to just drop dead because everything hurts and he burns to tear out his heart and his lungs so it can just end.

Chanyeol splashes cold water on Joonmyun’s face and leads him home gently. “Where’s Jongin?” he asks.

“He had to go home. His parents are home this week and he needed to… fix something.” Joonmyun responds vaguely.

Chanyeol leads Joonmyun into his bedroom and props him in a chair. “You know, whenever something is bothering me, I talk to Kyungsoo. He’s got a lot of great objective insight. So maybe, he’ll be able to shed some light on you.”

Kyungsoo pops onto Chanyeol’s computer screen. “Hey, Yeol. Oh, hi, Joonmyun. What’s the matter?”

“Joonmyun’s having a really hard time today,” Chanyeol answers.

“Well what happened?”

Joonmyun wipes at his face. “I assume you know, Chanyeol, about what people think about Jongin and me…”

“Luhan saw them kissing and thinks something’s up.” Chanyeol tells Kyungsoo.

“And Kris found out… and, well, it was really ugly. I just always wanted him to be someone who wouldn’t hurt me and abandon me.”

“I understand part of this.” Kyungsoo says. “You have classic daddy issues. I don’t remember your father very well, he wasn’t really a big part of your childhood, right? You would always say he was so busy with work. You didn’t grow up with that father figure, so you’ve been looking for a strong, dependable male in your life. Dongjun is a perfect example of that. He’s older, mature, and a strong pillar of support for you. But he went away to college so you feel abandoned and lost. Jongin’s filling a void there. He supports you a lot and you’ve learned to depend on him. Kris is the same way. You want to be close to him too, and it hurts because even though he’s there, he pushes you away.”

Joonmyun nods enthusiastically. “Yes, yes, that’s how it feels.”

Kyungsoo nods. “Just remember, you know the truth, so does it matter what others think? And if you trust Dongjun, trust him to understand you.”

“Thank you, Kyungsoo. I miss you a lot. I hope you’re doing better.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “Chanyeol and I have a mutual talk therapy thing going on. Feel free to join us. It’s healthy.”

 

“Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“What?” Kris says warily.

Chanyeol frowns at him. “What happened between you and Joonmyun the other day? He was pretty messed up.”

Kris turns away. “It’s nothing you should worry about.”

“Well it’s too late for that. I still consider Joonmyun my friend and he’s clearly very sick. I don’t know what happened, but I just want it to stop. You’re hurting him a lot.”

“Why do you care so much? And furthermore, why are so damn loving and forgiving?” Kris groans. “Haven’t you learned from the mess all of us are in that when you care about people it fucking hurts?”

“You can’t shut out the world because it’s going to hurt you. It’s inevitable. You’re going to get hurt. But it’s worth it.” Chanyeol replies. “I forgave you because you didn’t hurt me anymore. I was willing to let go of all the pain you inflicted to me because I know you’re not someone who hurts others on purpose. But what you’re doing to Joonmyun makes me question my own judgment.”

“Can you believe me when I say I don’t mean to hurt people like I do? I didn’t mean to hurt you. And I don’t mean to hurt Joonmyun. But when I see him, so adamant in killing himself, I can’t stand it and I lash out before I can think.” Kris confesses.

“He thinks you’re abandoning him. He trusted you to always support him, even if it was from afar. He thinks you’ve counterfeited everything. He’s confused. He’s hurt and lonely and he just needs someone to lean on. Is it so awful he leans on Jongin?”

“Have you forgotten what Jongin did to Kyungsoo? What he continues to do to other people? He’s still a violent liar and does Joonmyun need someone like that to lean on? When the rest of us are begging him to let us help him?”

“Joonymun can overlook that Jongin is a violent liar because Jongin’s in pain like he’s in pain. The rest of us have no clue, not an inkling, of what he’s going through. I think it’s more important that someone who understands him is by his side. The rest of us have to wait until he’s ready to talk. We know we can’t force this.”

“I missed you so much, but I did not miss your rational thinking.”

“Go and apologize to him. Tell him what your feelings really are. He misses you too.”

“Can…” Kris stops.

“Yes?”

“Can I… hug you?”

“Huh?”

“Before, before I ruined everything, you would always comfort me. I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything again, can you comfort me?” Kris feels naked and vulnerable.

Chanyeol walks to him and pulls him into a hug. “I forgave you, remember?”

As Kris wraps his arms around Chanyeol, he wonders if Chanyeol will be able to forgive the phone calls Kris has made to Dongjun over the past three weeks.


	32. December (Part 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 3 January 2014
> 
> Tw: graphic depiction of self-harm, blood

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VilcMQdFWsc) **3 Doors Down** \- _When I’m Gone_ | _“Roaming through this darkness, I’m alive but I’m alone.”_

 

 

_ Kris found Joonmyun is his closet, barely conscious, arm stained red. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Kris choked out. “I’m so sorry. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I never meant for this to happen.” _

_ “Wufan?” Joonmyun asked, blinking his eyes weakly. _

_ “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Kris felt tears leaking out of his eyes as he dropped to his knees. “I’m sorry.” _

_ “Wufan, I finally understand how you felt when I didn’t accept you. This pain,” he reached for his chest. “Does this ever go away?” _

_ “I don’t know. Mine still hurts too.” _

_ “It hurts even more… because I never saw this coming. It hurts, Wufan, but I want Dongjun to be happy. I’m a burden; he doesn’t need me.” _

_ “Stop talking. He’s a bastard.” _

_ “Don’t say that. He’s not. This… I should have known it would come to this one day.” _

_ “That’s irrational.” _

_ “But did you know, he said he found out about me from someone? I don’t know if I can trust anyone anymore.” _

_ Kris swallowed down his guilt. “I’m sorry.” _

_ “Did you know I haven’t taken my antidepressants since October? Everything is so raw. All I can think about is how everything hurts. I just want to die.” _

_ “Stop. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” _

_ “Why are you sorry?” _

_ “Because _ I _ told Dongjun everything.” _

_ Joonmyun’s eyes fluttered open, horrified. “You… you…” _

_ “I’m so sorry.” A sob tore out of Kris’s throat. _

_ “Get out.” Joonmyun moaned weakly. “I don’t want to look at you.” _

_ “Joonmyun.” _

_ “Get out.” Joonmyun edged away ever so slightly. “Jongin was right about you.” _

_ “Please, Joonmyun, please. I’m so sorry.” _

_ “Get out.” Joonmyun whispered. “I never want to see you again.” _

_ Kris lurched to his feet. “I’ll try to fix this.” _

_ “Everything you do… doesn’t all of it end up in ruin?” _

_ Kris doesn’t know how many times his heart can break. _

 

“Joonmyun,” Dongjun is so much bigger than he remembers. Or maybe Joonmyun has shrunk. He doesn’t know.

“Yes?” Joonmyun asks.

Dongjun looks at him strangely. Joonmyun shrinks under his gaze. There’s something in that gaze that tells Joonmyun his lying has been for naught. Flesh doesn’t lie. Joonmyun has withered away whereas Dongjun has grown broader and more handsome.

“You look sick. Are you alright?” He traces his fingers over Joonmyun’s protruding cheekbones. “You’ve lost so much weight.”

Cold sweat drips down Joonmyun’s neck. His couch feels too small to sit two people. “I haven’t been feeling too well.” The lies roll so easily off his tongue.

Dongjun nods, but it isn’t a satisfied nod. It’s as if he’s verifying something. Joonmyun feels his knees knocking against one another. He thought, maybe naively, that Dongjun’s presence would put him at ease. Instead, he was sweating bullets and feeling more on edge than ever. Dongjun’s lips curl into a small smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’ve been hearing some things about you, you know.”

Joonmyun’s heart lurches. “Oh?”

“I hear you’re really close to Kim Jongin.”

Joonmyun wipes his palms on the sides of his jeans nervously. “Yeah, we’re friends.”

Dongjun’s eyes flicker over Joonmyun’s face. “Wasn’t he the one who raped that Do Kyungsoo kid?”

“He’s not like that anymore. He’s changed.”

Dongjun is not buying it. “It’s just strange, Joon. People like that don’t usually reform.”

Protective instincts flare up inside of him. “You don’t know him.” Joonmyun states with more force than he intended. “You don’t know who he is as a person. Anyway, what does he have to do with anything? Let’s not talk about him.”

Dongjun’s lip twitches. “I want to talk about him. I want to know why you’ve been kissing him.”

Joonmyun wants to vomit. “What?  _ What _ did you say?”

“Don’t lie to me, Joonmyun. I heard. I know.”

“There’s nothing to know. Nothing is going on. We’re  _ friends _ .” Joonmyun retorts but inside he’s quaking with terror. Who the hell did Dongjun find out from?

Dongjun presses his lips together. “I didn’t expect this from you.”

Joonmyun wants to tear out his hair and scream. All of his carefully placed lies are crashing down on him and there’s nothing he can do. He’s halfway between enraged and horrified at the idea of someone – probably one of his so-called friends – playing informant with his boyfriend. He’s spitting mad and utterly scared out of his wits and can’t pick a side. If he plays innocent and repentant will Dongjun stop looking so angrily at him? Or does he stand his ground and argue back?

“You haven’t been getting any better, have you?” Dongjun’s voice is softer, but there’s hurt tinging it.

Joonmyun stares at the floor.

“I knew it the moment I saw you. All those times you said you were fine, they were lies.”

Joonmyun wants to melt into a puddle of shame.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The anger has been erased and replaced by pain. Joonmyun’s heart twists. “Didn’t you trust me?”

“I do trust you,” Joonmyun croaks. “I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

One fear Joonmyun could never get Dongjun to understand was his fear of inadequacy. Dongjun was the epitome of perfection: handsome, friendly, smart, athletic; just all around perfect. Joonmyun was none of those things and puzzled over what Dongjun wanted from him: plain, ordinary, inadequate Joonmyun.

Joonmyun chokes down the lump in his throat. “I was scared you’d come to your senses and leave me.”

Dongjun visibly falters. “What?”

Joonmyun starts crying. “I have always been scared you’ll stop loving me because I’m nothing compared to you. We don’t match, Dongjun. You’re wonderful and I’m pitiful and your parents are right to hate me because I’ll only weigh you down and hinder you. I’m a burden and I don’t deserve you. You always tell me it isn’t true, but I always worry you’ll stop loving me.”

Dongjun’s face is ashen. “I’m sorry,” Joonmyun sniffles. “I’m sorry. I’m making you feel bad. I don’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry.” Dongjun takes Joonmyun’s hands in his. “Joonmyun, promise me something. I’m about to tell you something, it’s important, but you can’t interrupt me because I’m going to lose my nerve.”

“I promise. What is it?”

Dongjun takes a deep breath. “Let’s break up.”

Joonmyun slaps his hands over his mouth to stifle the scream climbing up his throat. Dongjun flinches but continues. “I thought a lot about this coming here. I had heard things, from a reputable person, and I was upset. I debated with myself over and over again. I decided we’d talk this out and then I’d make a decision… Joonmyun, I was prepared to overlook everything – Jongin, your health, everything – and maintain this relationship, but…” Dongjun places one of his hands on Joonmyun’s knee. “There’s a bigger problem here.”

Joonmyun stays silent.

“You don’t trust me. That hurts a lot. I know you sometimes felt insecure about us, but I never knew that fear ran so deep. I wish you had told me. I could’ve done something. I could’ve tried.” Dongjun scoots forward and gently touches Joonmyun’s face. “Kim Joonmyun, you deserve to be happy.”

“I’m happy with you.” Joonmyun wheezes.

“But you’re not. I’m dragging you along…”

“Drag me along. I want you to. I don’t  _ care. _ ” Joonmyun gasps out.

“I care. If there isn’t trust, there can’t be a relationship. I love you so much, Joonmyun.”

“Then why are you doing this?”

“Because sometimes when you love someone you have to hurt them. You deserve happiness and I will not make you happy. I love you so I’m letting you go.”

“Please don’t leave me alone.” Joonmyun begs.

“You have friends who worry about you and love you. I trust them.”

He shakes his head vigorously. “They gave up ages ago. Dongjun, don’t.”

Dongjun kisses Joonmyun’s cheek softly, “Goodbye, Joonmyun,” and leaves him.

The resounding click of the front door propels Joonmyun into his room. He closes the bedroom door – the lock had long been removed – and buries himself inside of his closet. His fingers fumble over his undiscovered stash of neglected razorblades. He fishes one out and plunges the sharp edge into the skin of his wrist, hissing at the tear. He trembles as he feels the blood trickle down to his fingers, silently thankful for the excruciating burn washing out the ache in his chest.

 

“You. Did.  _ What _ ?”

“I broke up with him.”

“No, no, no. That wasn’t supposed to happen… why did you…? Do you know what you’ve done!?” Kris shouts. “Don’t you realize how emotionally unstable he is right now? And doing this… he trusts you!”

“I know. You told me.”

Guilt stabs Kris. “I know I did. But he must be a disaster right now.”

“Then go to him.”

“What?”

“Go to him. You still love him, don’t you?”

Kris explodes. “I hate you. I have always hated you. But something I always did was trust you. I always trusted you never to hurt Joonmyun. Why did I trust you?”

“I trusted you too.” Dongjun replies evenly. “I trusted you to tell me things honorably and for Joonmyun’s sake, not yours. Neither of us is innocent here.”

Kris grapples for a retort but he doesn’t have one. He’s been caught red handed.

“This is what’s best for him. I can’t make him happy.”

“But he thinks you’re what’s best for him!”

“But I’m not. He’d always say I deserved better than him, but he got it wrong. He deserves so much better than me.”

“I can’t believe you. Do you understand that you just shattered him?”

“I do. Go to him, Kris. Just  _ try _ to do what I’ve done for the past year and a half. I gave my all. I swear I did. But everything has to change at some point. You love him, maybe he’ll love you.”

“He won’t. And he never will. Not if he knows this is my fault too.”

“You had nothing to do with it, Kris. This a choice I made.”

“But would you have made it if I hadn’t called you? I was meddling. This is my fault. God dammit, you go back there and fix the mess you just made!”

“But didn’t you say you made it?”

Kris screams out in agony. “Stop playing mind games with me.”

“Go to Joonmyun, Kris. He needs you.” Dongjun turns to leave. “I asked Joonmyun to trust me. I told him breaking up was something I needed to do. It’s your turn to save him.”

Kris swallows down his fear as he forces himself to walk to Joonmyun’s house. His body is rigid with dread. Everything he touched was bound to end up in disaster. And when he finds Joonmyun, wrist sliced open, red pouring out onto white skin, he’s rebuked for being a betrayer. Kris stumbles back to his feet, Joonmyun feeling so far away, and promises to make things right.

_ “Everything you do… doesn’t all of it end up in ruin?” _


	33. January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 10 January 2014
> 
> Tw: graphic depiction of self-harm, suicidal ideation

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVv1S6-O2xw) **blink-182** \- _Adam’s Song_ | “ _Please tell Mom this is not her fault_.”

 

 

January brings snow. It’s the quiet kind, the kind that falls heavily and builds up on the sidewalks and quickly gets slushy. The streets of Seoul are lined in white. Kids smush together snowballs and pelt one another and the occasional passerby. Their laughter tinkles over the icicles and floats amid the snowflakes.

January is agony. Kris sits with his head down, trying to avoid everyone because he’s never been so broken. Yixing and Zitao try to coax him while Luhan outright ignores him. The others hover between slight worry and utter disbelief. Even peaceful Chanyeol has a hard time being neutral and objective.

Sweaters allow Joonmyun’s cut to go unnoticed to all but Jongin who sends Kris death glares whenever their paths cross. Kris aches. He calls Dongjun, begging him to reconsider.

“I never meant for this to happen.”

“But wasn’t that something you secretly hoped for, in the back of your mind?”

“Maybe, yes, but he’s in shambles. Please, I can’t do this.”

“It’s hard, isn’t it?”

“He  _ hates _ me.”

“I have to go, Kris.”

Joonmyun suffers alongside Jongin, whose moods have taken a turn for the worse. January always sours him, as his mind always spirals back to Kyungsoo. Jongin is constantly on edge, on the verge of exploding. He’s drinking heavily, to the point of blacking out and coming to school hungover. Joonmyun tries to stop him, but it’s no use. Jongin is addicted to hurting himself, but really Joonmyun is no better.

Joonmyun’s cuts have gotten worse. He’s back cutting less conspicuous places, not really caring about the threat of Pohang looming over his head. He just needs to numb himself to how much it hurts to  _ exist _ . Life hurts and Joonmyun is drowning in darkness.

 

“Stop moping.”

“Zitao, you don’t understand…”

“Don’t tell me what I don’t understand.” Zitao snaps. “You fucked up but you can’t cry about it forever.”

“He hates me.”

“Well, yeah. What did Luhan always tell you? You have to reap what you sow.”

“That really doesn’t help.”

“It wasn’t supposed to.” Zitao sighs. “Wufan, just let go of Joonmyun.”

“I  _ can’t _ .”

“You can. You just aren’t trying.”

“Why does everything just boil down to shit?”

“This is the path we walk on. We’ve all had our ups and downs, but we can’t just stay down. You need to get back up.”

“He’s right,” Yixing chimes in. “Just give yourself a slap on the back of the head and keep moving. I got over my dark period.”

“Yes, but no one was mad at you for being like that.”

“Does that matter? I didn’t like myself and I had to change.”

“This really doesn’t help me.”

Yixing and Zitao sigh.

“Even Luhan gave up on me. Doesn’t that mean I’m beyond all hope?”

Yixing shakes his head. “No, because Chanyeol keeps trying to rationalize your behavior. Once Chanyeol says you’re beyond all hope then you know it’s true.”

 

“What a shit.”

“Baekhyun…”

“Don’t start, Park Chanyeol. Do. Not. Start.”

“But Baek…”

“No buts!” Baekhyun screeches. “Chanyeol, you absolutely cannot explain away what he did this time.”

Chanyeol frowns.

“This was really too much. We all knew he liked Joonmyun, but to go and snitch about him to Dongjun was just… wrong.” Jongdae adds, giving Baekhyun’s hand a squeeze.

“I know, but… There’s got to be a reason! There is always a reason.” Chanyeol protests.

“Just because there’s a reason doesn’t make it okay.” Minseok says. “Chanyeol, I think you just need to accept that Wufan is a changed person. He isn’t the person we used to know.”

“How can you say that? We’re supposed to be friends. And friends don’t turn around and abandon one another. Especially not when they’re all clearly suffering…”

“Kris brings this upon himself! And so do Joonmyun and Jongin. Chanyeol, we’ve all tried so hard to get them to break whatever bad habits they have. They don’t listen. I don’t think they care. I don’t think there’s anything we can do.” Baekhyun interrupts.

“I think Baekhyun’s right.” Jongdae says. “We tried, Chanyeol. But what can we do if they don’t want our help?”

“I can’t believe this.” Chanyeol grinds out. “I’m going to talk to him.”

 

“Did you cut?”

“Yeah.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“You shouldn’t drink.”

“Point taken, but still.”

“I want to die.”

“Me too.” Pause. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when it happened.”

“Not your fault. You had things to see to.”

“You’re more important.”

“I don’t have to be your first priority, Jongin. You’re entitled to a life without cleaning up after my messes.”

“I still should’ve been there. You shouldn’t have to suffer alone. I have shoulders too, let me carry some of your burdens.”

“They’re not your burdens to carry.”

 

“Why’d you do it?”

“Not you too.”

“No, you need to answer me. Tell me why.”

“Chanyeol, I don’t have an answer.”

“So one day you just felt like calling Dongjun and telling him all of Joonmyun’s dirty laundry for no reason? You did it just because you felt like it?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes it matters!” Chanyeol bites his lip, trying not to cry. “Everyone says that you did it because you’re evil and you’re an asshole and you just live to make Joonmyun miserable and  _ I don’t want to believe that _ . I can’t wrap my head around you. I can only tell myself so much about what you do. I can only rationalize so much. But when you do things like this I wonder if I know you, or if I ever did.”

“You don’t need to make excuses for me.”

“I don’t want them to be excuses!” Chanyeol’s voice cracks. “I really want to believe you aren’t what others say you are. I don’t want to believe that. Call me stupid, that’s fine. But somewhere I still call you my friend and I don’t want to just leave you.”

“Chanyeol, it’s okay.”

“But it isn’t! Not when Luhan can’t look at you because he’s so disgusted and when Baekhyun keeps telling me to give up on you and when Joonmyun is walking around looking wrecked… nothing is okay.”

“Chanyeol, oh god, don’t cry.”

“I can’t help it. I hate this. I hate having to pick sides when we’re supposed to be a family. The twelve of us… together… I wanted that to last a long time. But we’re still in high school and it’s all broken!” Chanyeol wipes at his eyes furiously. “Maybe I forgive too easily but that’s because I treasure the people in my life. Everyone tells me they’ve tried so hard to salvage our friendships but that just isn’t true! Why am I the only one who’s having trouble walking away?”

“I told you… caring about people hurts.”

“And I told you that it’s worth it! But it does hurt. It hurts so much.”

“I didn’t know he’d break up with Joonmyun.” Kris whispers. “I told him because part of me was worried. Something did happen on Halloween… Joonmyun was so drunk he thought I was Dongjun and kept asking why I’d abandoned him. I called because that scared me. Part of me hoped it would push Dongjun over the edge, and that’s why I told him about Jongin. But I didn’t think he would really do it.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m messed up.” Kris smiles. “So you can stop trying to explain away what I do. Please, Chanyeol, you can give up. I’m a lost cause. I’m everything they say I am.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“I am.”

“I really hate you.”

“And so you should.”

Chanyeol sniffles. “This is really it, isn’t it? Nothing is going to be the same.”

“I don’t think anything has been the same for a long time.”

“I’ve never given up on anything before.”

“Well there’s a first time for everything.”

“You really, really hurt me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. And I still forgive you. But I don’t know who you are.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Goodbye, Kris.”

“Bye, Chanyeol.”

 

The snow falls heavily. It’s the largest snowfall in the past few years. The streets are coated in white. The kids have been ushered back inside by anxious moms. Snowplows chug past, pushing the accumulation into small mountains on the curb. Dog owners shuffle trying to keep warm while their dogs do their business. Outside, all is silent.

Jongin runs his hands wildly through his hair. “Let’s kill ourselves.”

“What?”

“Let’s kill ourselves right now.” Jongin is insistent. It’s scary because he’s sober.

“No, Jongin, no. No!” Joonmyun cries, throwing himself at Jongin.

Jongin shoves Joonmyun away, seizes a bottle of liquor and a bottle of painkillers, and bolts out the door into the whirling snow.

Joonmyun gives chase, calling out for him. He trips over the lumps of snow. His bare hands freeze as they reach out to break his falls. His face is red with cold. His lips are blue.

Jongin ignores Joonmyun’s cries, stumbling on through the snow and ice. He’s serious.

Joonmyun finally catches up and throws himself on Jongin, sending them toppling into a pristine snowbank. He’s crying now, tears freezing on his face. “Don’t, Jongin. Stop it!”

Jongin thrashes against Joonmyun’s arms. “What do I have left to live for? What do  _ you _ have left? I’m going to do it, Joon. I’m really going to do it!”

“You promised me! You promised  _ Kyungsoo _ !”

Jongin punches Joonmyun in the mouth hard. Blood bursts from Joonmyun’s lip and drips red into the snow. Joonmyun clutches his mouth, staring at Jongin with wet, scared eyes.

“Don’t say his name!” Jongin howls. “Don’t you dare try to guilt me by using him!”

Joonmyun wipes at his mouth and then moves to wipe his tears. Blood streaks against his pale cheek; red stark against white. “Jongin, if you leave me then I’m going to be alone. There’s no one left. It’s just you.”

“Then come with me!”

“I can’t!”

“Why?”

“I’m too scared.” Joonmyun sobs. “Stop it, Jongin. You’re scaring me, please stop.”

Jongin deflates. “What do you want from me? Just living is agonizing. I suffocate every moment. Don’t you want the pain to be gone?”

Joonmyun hugs Jongin, shoulders shaking from crying. Jongin stares at the black night sky. “No one would miss me.”

“I would.” Joonymun sobs.

Jongin strokes Joonmyun’s frozen face. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s go back.”

They trudge back to Jongin’s basement in silence. They lie down on the concrete floor and huddle together. Joonmyun wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist, clinging like he’s afraid to let go. Jongin watches Joonmyun sleep. Joonmyun sleep-talks. He cries out for people. He calls for his wayward father, for his ex-boyfriend, for Kris, and for Jongin. Jongin wipes away the tears that slip out from beneath Joonmyun’s frosted eyelashes. His chest hurts watching Joonmyun sleep. The other boy looks so small and pathetic. No, Jongin can’t leave this tiny creature to fend off the world alone and lonely.

They awaken to a thin strip of sunlight. Jongin scrapes the dried blood off of Joonmyun’s face apologetically.

“Promise me,” Joonmyun rasps out. “Promise you will never leave me. Everyone else leaves me.”

“I won’t leave.” Jongin whispers, pressing a kiss to Joonmyun’s forehead. “I promise.”

_ At least not yet _ , Jongin thinks.


	34. February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 19 January 2014
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNVxHsn4t-U) **Lee Hi** \- _Rose_ | “ _If you want my heart, you need to take my pain too. Because you will be pricked by my thorns someday._ ”

 

 

February is calm. After a storm, the seas quiet down for a time, leaving wreckage in its wake. The snow begins to melt in the cold sunshine. It’s not quite near enough to spring, but it’s getting closer.

Jongin is an absolute disaster.

“Why didn’t you let me do it?” he groans to Joonmyun, clutching his stomach as he heaves over the toilet.

“Because I can’t do this without you.” Joonmyun replies.

“You’re a needy shit, you know that? Why do we bother with life?”

“I don’t know.”

Jongin seems more out of control than normal. His irrational, erratic behavior scares Joonmyun. Jongin becomes increasingly belligerent, even towards Joonmyun. Doe-eyed freshmen get chased away by Jongin’s growls of “the fuck are you looking at?” His former friends worry from afar, hoping Jongin’s actions don’t have an adverse reaction on Joonmyun.

Joonmyun starts taking his medication again, hating the numbness and the disconnection, but needing it because his cuts are multiplying at an alarming rate and soon it will become clear that his cutting has never stopped. He endures it. The pills can’t dull the gaping emptiness within him but it helps just a little. He’s still wildly out of control but he’s slowly trying to get his feet back on the ground. More than ever he feels alone, but more than ever he feels that he needs to end the vicious cycle of his self-made horror story.

Joonmyun feels as though he’s wandering through a thick fog without a lantern. Dongjun’s words make him wonder. “ _ You have friends who worry about you and love you _ .” Was that true? Or were Dongjun’s words just meant to soothe, to ease the pain of their ending relationship? The fog swirls thickly in his eyes, in his lungs. He made himself a little safety net of lies and half-truths, but Dongjun ripped it away. Joonmyun is dangling, dangerously close, almost falling, to the edge. But now, he can see it vaguely, a palm outstretched just a little beyond his reach. And so Joonmyun swallows down his antidepressants and strains his own hand to reach the other.

He swears his fingertips can  _ just _ brush.

 

“Valentine’s Day?” Jongdae squeaks, eyes bulging.

Luhan glowers. “Yeah, the day you give roses and teddy bears and stuff? The day Baekhyun has probably been anticipating since Christmas?”

“I have to get him a Valentine’s Day gift?” Jongdae shrieks.

“What do mean? What planet have you been living on? It’s like… a requirement! I’m single and I know this!” Minseok scowls.

“But… but… it’s such a dumb holiday… shouldn’t you shower your significant other with presents every day?” Jongdae wails.

“You want to risk that argument with Mr. I-File-My-Nails-Into-Claws?” Minseok asks.

“So… what should I get?”

“You’re kidding.”

“I don’t know what he likes!”

“You have been dating for how long now?”

“Uh, seven months?”

“And you have absolutely no idea what Baekhyun likes.” Luhan says.

“Well, he likes Girls’ Generation.”

“We’ll start from there.”

 

Kris slowly, but surely comes out of his self-loathing trance. He still feels weak and broken, but he tries to tell himself that he is bigger than the bad things he does. But Joonmyun still avoids him like the plague and looks ready to vomit every time their paths accidentally cross. That hurts. Regrets haunt him; they don’t let him rest. Luhan and Chanyeol don’t speak to Kris; they’ve formally thrown in the towel. To them, Kris is beyond all salvation. Nothing they can do will help.

“I should apologize, right?” Kris asks.

“Of course you should.” Yixing replies.

“I’m afraid to.” Kris confesses.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen? You’ve hit a pretty low point as it is. I don’t see how it could get much worse.”

“I’m just afraid I’ll make everything worse. I don’t want him to hurt because of me.”

“Well give it a shot.”

“I’m scared, Xing.”

“There’s nothing to be scared of. Joonmyun doesn’t bite.”

“No, but his bark hurts just as much.”

 

“I beg you, Chanyeol, tell me what Baekhyun wants for Valentine’s Day. He must’ve dropped hints, or talked about something.” Jongdae whines.

“He really didn’t mention anything. Sorry, Jongdae.”

“Just dress up like Taeyeon- _ noona  _ and seduce him in a dress.” Sehun deadpans.

“I’m not cross-dressing!” Jongdae screams.

“Then what are you going to do?” Sehun huffs.

“I could sing to him.”

Sehun feigns snoring. “ _ Boooooring _ . Everyone knows you can sing. That’s not terribly romantic if you always do it.”

“You could get him some Girls’ Generation merch.” Chanyeol suggests.

“But everyone knows Baekhyun is a fanboy.”

“Then what should I do, oh great Sehun?”

“Dress up like Taeyeon- _ noona _ and dance to  _ I Got a Boy _ . Duh.”

“Oh fuck you!”

 

“Am I really that cold hearted?”

“Hmm?”

“Dongjun said that I didn’t trust him. Do I… do I trust anyone?”

“Do you trust me?”

“I think I do, but then I think maybe I don’t.”

“Then maybe you don’t trust anyone.”

Joonmyun shifts closer to Jongin. “I  _ want _ to trust you.”

 

“What’s that?” Chanyeol asks, squinting at the piece of paper Kyungsoo is waving across the computer screen.

Kyungsoo reappears, grinning broadly. “It’s an application for a study program. See?” He runs his finger beneath the words, “Three and a half months in Seoul at prestigious high school… I applied.”

“Prestigious doesn’t really sound like our school,” Chanyeol muses. “But I think we play that school in baseball.”

“You probably do. I’m waiting to hear back.”

“You’ll be okay?” Chanyeol’s brow crinkles.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be there for school, not for fun.” He smiles again. “Anyway, I’ve missed Seoul. The therapist thinks I’ll be fine.”

“Good luck then.” Chanyeol grins.

 

“Has Jongdae figured something out yet?” Luhan asks.

“Nope. He’s hopeless.” Sehun replies.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on him, you freak out about gift-giving too.”

Sehun sticks out his tongue at Luhan. “I’m used to it now. We’ve been dating for two years.”

Luhan combs his fingers through Sehun’s hair. “Hmm, but you used to get so nervous, all tongue-tied and fidgety. It was cute.”

Sehun scoffs. “It was cute to you.”

Luhan noses at Sehun’s jawline tenderly. “So Jongdae will get used to it too.”

Sehun leans to peck Luhan’s cheek. “Happy anniversary.”

 

“Oww, oww, oww.”

“Stop being such a baby,” Minseok hisses.

“Hey, Minhee, can you not pull  _ oppa _ ’s hair so hard?  _ Oppa _ has a sensitive scalp.”

“Big baby,” Minhee parrots her older brother.

Jongdae mouths “I hate you” at Minseok as he winces at Minhee’s hair tugging.

“I swear, if Baekhyun does not appreciate that I am getting a pink ribbon put in my hair by my best friend’s eight year old sister…”

“Pastel rose,” Chanyeol interrupts.

“Huh?”

“It’s not pink.” Chanyeol tells him seriously. “It’s pastel rose.”

“Does it matter?” Jongdae sputters as Minhee tugs his hair again.

“It’s Baekhyun. Of course it matters. Tell him that’s a  _ pink _ Soshi ribbon and he might strangle you with it. Pastel rose. It’s pastel rose.” Chanyeol nods solemnly.

“Why did I pick someone so high maintenance?” Jongdae whines.

“You picked him.” Minseok says.

“I know, I know.” Jongdae winces as Minhee finally ties off the bow. “I look idiotic.”

“You should have just listened to Sehun and dressed up like…”

“ _ No _ ! This is perfect!” Jongdae pats Minhee’s head affectionately. “Thanks,  _ dongseng _ .  _ Oppa _ loves it.”

Minhee smiles at him brightly. Jongdae gulps. He hopes this will work.

 

Jongin is throwing up again at school.

Zitao wrinkles his nose in disgust as he washes his hands. Jongin’s entrance had sent the underclassmen in the bathroom scrambling, Jongin had a thing for scaring them away, as he stormed into a stall, locking the door with a foreboding click. Zitao had stayed frozen to his spot by the sink as he listened to Jongin barf. Zitao had seen Jongin withering away rapidly. He even seemed to stray from Joonmyun’s side. It was befuddling.

Jongin staggers out of the stall, wiping his mouth as the toilet flushes behind him. He glares weakly at Zitao before stooping to wash his hands. He splashes some water into his mouth and spits back into the sink.

Zitao reaches into his pocket and holds out a pack of cigarettes. “Want one?”

“Joon said you quit,” is Jongin’s answer.

“I did, but I found this in my room. As you can see, it’s full. They say nicotine settles the nerves.” Zitao explains.

“I’m full of too much shit to add cigarettes, sorry.”

Zitao shrugs and pockets the carton. “You hungover?”

“Yeah.”

“Self-medicating isn’t healthy.”

“Fuck off,” Jongin suddenly growls. “You don’t even care.”

Zitao shrugs. “There are still some people who worry about you. I’m not necessarily one of them so I’m asking for someone else’s benefit.”

“Well tell whoever to take their worries and stick it up their ass.” Jongin snaps.

“There’s a point,” Zitao says coolly, “where you need to stop shutting people out. You and Joonmyun… you both need to let someone in.”

“I said, fuck off,” Jongin states weakly.

 

Jongdae rings Baekhyun’s doorbell, feeling like a gigantic dork. He’s holding a bouquet of pink roses with a  _ pastel rose _ ribbon tied in his hair. Baekhyun’s neighbors keep looking at him oddly from their porch and he smiles back as best he can.

When Baekhyun opens the door, his jaw drops. “Kim Jongdae, what the actual fuck.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Jongdae says with as much cheer as he can muster.

Baekhyun stares at him, mouth gaping.

“It’s pink! No, it’s not pink!  _ It’s not pink _ !” Jongdae screeches in lieu of explanation. “It’s pastel rose! Uh, uh, you know, SNSD, color, fans, fan color! Because you’re a fanboy! And Minseok’s baby sister spent an hour tying this to my head because my hair is short. And it’s because it’s Valentine’s Day and…”

“Kim Jongdae!” Baekhyun screams over him. “YOU ARE SO FULL OF  _ CHEESE _ !”

Jongdae thinks he’s ready to cry. You mean he got his hair pulled for a straight hour to be dumped on a doorstep?

“Get over here and kiss me, you dork.” Baekhyun hisses grabbing Jongdae by the collar and dragging him into his house. He smashes their lips together and grips Jongdae’s hair.

“Watch the ribbon, Minhee pulled my hair for an hour for that!” Jongdae warns, wrapping his arms around Baekhyun’s waist.

“I don’t care,” Baekhyun hisses, biting Jongdae’s lower lip.

“Did someone slip you aphrodisiac chocolates or something?”

“Jongdae, can you please stop talking and kiss me?”

Jongdae quickly grips Baekhyun by his hips and kisses him deeply. Baekhyun hums with approval. Jongdae rubs his hands over Baekhyun’s pelvis, stroking the protruding hip bones. Oh yeah, Baekhyun’s best feature was definitely his pelvis.

Baekhyun pulls away, trembling slightly. “My brother is going to be home soon.”

“Cockblocker,” Jongdae wheezes.

Baekhyun grimaces. “I know, I know. But if he hears he’ll blab to Mom, and that’ll be ugly.”

“Yeah, I’ve met your mother. Lovely woman, but I don’t want to get on her bad side.”

“Jongdae, I love you.”

“I love you too. I was going to just sing to you, but Sehun said that was lame and cliché so he told me to cross-dress and dance for you but I can’t dance and I don’t think I’d look good in a skirt and…”

Baekhyun silences Jongdae’s rambling with another kiss. “You’re perfect if you just stop talking.”

Jongdae is happy to shut up.

 

“Joonmyun.”

Joonmyun doesn’t turn around, if anything, his pace increases.

Kris strides forward and catches Joonmyun by the arm. Joonmyun struggles to get free. “Leave me alone,” he says. “Just leave me alone.”

“I need to talk to you.”

“No you don’t. Go away.”

“I have to do something.”

“Haven’t you done enough?”

“I just want to apologize. I swear on my life I never, ever wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

“I don’t want your apologies.” Joonmyun says, pulling away.

“Just tell me what I can do for you to forgive me.”

“There’s nothing.”

“Joonmyun, please…”

“No!” Joonmyun glowers at Kris. “I trusted you. Every time Jongin bad mouthed you, I tried to defend you, even if it was only in my head. But all you do is hurt me. You really betrayed my trust and right now I can’t deal with you. I’m trying right now. I’m serious this time. I’m trying to get better.” Joonmyun’s gaze turns defiant. “And you’re not going to ruin this for me!”

Kris winces. “I’ll keep my distance. I promise. But please, just know that I still care about you. God dammit, Kim Joonmyun, I still love you. I am still in love with you.”

“You need to stop.” Joonmyun backs away.

“But it’s true.”

“I don’t care. You need to stop. Please, for me.”

“I will. I promise. I’ll stay away from you.”

Kris prays this is a promise he can keep.


	35. March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 25 January 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ymblHB2R0A) **Lorde** \- _400 Lux_ | “ _We’re hollow like the bottles that we drain. You drape your wrists over the steering wheel; pulses can drive from here. We might be hollow, but we’re brave_.”

 

 

“Are you sure?”

Kyungsoo smiles brightly as Chanyeol heaves his suitcase onto a luggage cart. “Positive. It’s not like I came alone. I’m here for school.”

“But what about Jongin?”

“We made… an agreement the last time I was here.” Kyungsoo replies vaguely. “It’s okay. I’m not afraid of him. It’s gotten better.” They step out of the bus depot. “It’s strange, in June everything felt like a dream. Now it feels like any other place.”

“It’s Seoul,” Chanyeol scoffs. “That’s not just any old place.”

Kyungsoo smiles cheekily. “I know.”

“So you’re staying until June?”

“Yes. Did you know the school I’m going to be at is in the same sports league as yours?”

“But you’re still going to root for my team when you come watch me play baseball, right?”

“Of course, but quietly so I don’t get strangled. But if you hit a home run I’ll jump up and down and scream for you like you’re an idol on Music Bank.”

“Like Baekhyun for Girls’ Generation?”

“Louder,” Kyungsoo promises.

Kyungsoo’s Inchon high school was sponsoring four month program for students to study in Seoul. Kyungsoo had signed up and he and his classmates were enrolled as transfer students at one of the high schools on the outskirts of his old neighborhood. His new Seoul high school was a bus ride away from his former one. His therapist had expressed concerns, but Kyungsoo was ready. In June he hadn’t been prepared, but now he was. He was sure.

“Can you tell me about this ‘agreement’ you have with Jongin?”

Kyungsoo shifts slightly. “There’s not much to it… he promised not to seek me out if I came back. I’m ready to see him if he does, though. It’s not as bad as it was.”

“If you ever want to see him, I can go with you, make sure it’s okay…”

“Thank you, Chanyeol. I know you will.” Kyungsoo smiles.

“You can count on me.”

 

“How are you today?”

“Fine.”

“Want to expound on that?”

“No.”

The shrink makes a little note. “You’re becoming progressively less talkative in our sessions. Is there something on your mind?”

Joonmyun tries not to roll his eyes. He’s never been chatty with the shrink, only when his father gets brought up does he talk. Joonmyun would rather saw off his legs than go to him so he gets his tongue to tell tales of his absentee father. It was so odd to him as a child, he had a father who was never around.

“There’s nothing.” Joonmyun replies.

The shrink writes something else. Joonmyun wants to throw that clipboard across the room. “How are your friends?”

“What friends?” Joonymun barks out a laugh.

The shrink makes a face at him. “Your mother tells me you’re quite social.”

Joonmyun bites his tongue. His mother is just as much an absentee as his father but at least she pretends to care. Honestly, Joonmyun felt like another piece of furniture in their divorce proceedings. He wonders if they meant to have a baby at all. It didn’t seem so with how they treated him. Joonmyun supposes this is what happens when two workaholics have a baby.

“I cut a few people off.” Joonmyun says vaguely as he scratches at his wrist. The cut he made in December still hadn’t fully healed. It was a miracle it didn’t get infected, it was so deep. It hadn’t helped erase the feeling of utter emptiness that had permeated him; it had only made him feel even more hollowed out.

Another note. “You do know that these sessions are being put into your record? That colleges and potential employers will be able to see why you needed therapy? Perhaps you should cooperate with me so there are fewer months on your record.”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes blatantly this time.

 

“When do we get to see him?” Minseok bounces on the balls of his feet impatiently. Track and baseball are sharing the gym today on account of a torrential downpour. Chanyeol looks up from his shoelaces.

“Dunno, he’s trying to get adjusted with his host family.”

“Well, let us know. I’ll bake a cake or something.”

“You bake?”

“No, but my sister has an Easy Bake Oven.”

Chanyeol snorts. “It’s the thought that counts, I guess.”

“The lord of darkness is brooding again.” Minseok comments.

Chanyeol’s eyes flicker over to where Kris is indeed brooding. “Sometimes I wonder if I made the right call.”

Minseok shrugs. “It’s one of those things that you don’t have an answer to immediately. Kris is messed up. If he gets his act together I think Chanyeol the Forgiver will prevail.”

“What else can I do? I forgive people.”

“It’s your best and worst trait. Let’s go before the captains start having seizures. Yunho looks ready to pop a vein over there.” Minseok nods to the slowly forming cluster of runners. “I think he’s lost without Dongjun at the helm.”

“Changmin’s worse. No one wanted him to be captain, but all the seniors said Jonghyun couldn’t be captain because he was only a junior. Changmin is a  _ terror _ .”

“Forgiveness, Park Chanyeol, forgiveness.” Minseok admonishes gently.

 

Baekhyun and Jongdae’s antics are grating on Kris’s nerves.

They are in study hall, god fucking dammit. It is supposed to be quiet in study hall, god fucking dammit. But they are being so noisy and so nauseatingly cute and  _ happy _ that it makes Kris want to kick a puppy. He tries to block out their noise and focus on his homework but it is so difficult when the two of them are being so cheerful.

Yes, it’s irrational, but Kris gets so mad when he sees people happy. He isn’t happy and in his little thundercloud he thinks other people shouldn’t be happy either. It just doesn’t seem fair, watching all of his kind-of friends laughing and smiling. Kris’s face aches when he tries to make himself smile. His laughs sound false and metallic, totally unnatural. Kris used to be happy, but not anymore. Not when the only people that talk to him are Yixing and Zitao, and Zitao comes from the school of tough love. Yixing is nice at least, but Kris knows that Yixing is, in not so many words, allied with Luhan and Luhan’s opinions. Luhan makes a big show of being disgusted with Kris, something that irks him more than hurts him. Luhan, with his pretty face and bubbly personality, has never gone through any hardships. He’s never been so filled with longing that his entire body aches from it. He’s never been denied anything, been blamed for anything, or been the one everyone gives up on. Luhan has never known sadness like Kris knows sadness and Kris resents him for it.

Kris comes home to a message on the answering machine. It’s from his father in Vancouver, saying that plans have changed and he will be staying in Canada for a little while longer. The message ends and Kris screams out in his empty house.

“FUCK!”

Kris stares hard at the granite countertops of his kitchen and takes deep breaths. The oxygen burns on its way down and it feels more like he’s drinking acid. His eyes refocus on the set of steak knives his father brought back from some American steakhouse. When he asked his father how he got them, his father shrugged and said, “They were free.”

Kris grasps the hilt of one and pulls it out. It makes a clean sound as it unsheathes from its wooden scabbard. The pristine blade still shines in the semi-dark room. Kris’s heart starts pounding. Joonmyun does this. Jongin does this. And sure, they have no grip on anything, but does Kris? He doesn’t, actually, and this seems like the best idea he’s had in a while. Kris turns the knife towards the taut flesh of his wrist. His heartbeat is thundering in the emptiness as the blade inches closer and closer. He can feel the sweat beading on his brow.

Suddenly, Kris’s phone rings and in his shock, the knife goes clattering to the floor. Heart racing, Kris answers the phone. Yixing seems oblivious to his breathlessness as he asks Kris whether or not they had trigonometry homework. Kris tells him they didn’t and Yixing thanks him and hangs up. Kris picks up the knife and puts it back in its place, heart still slamming in his ribcage.

He might be sad, depressed even, but  _ this _ is just not the answer.

 

“I don’t want to plan another dance recital.” Sehun growls, tossing papers around carelessly.

Yixing collects them calmly and stacks them on the lunch table. “I’ll help you.”

“I appreciate it, but it doesn’t change the fact the attention-whoring freshmen evolved into attention-whoring sophomores and they are still annoying as fuck.”

Yixing waggles his eyebrows. “Don’t worry, I’ll make them sweat.”

“I would appreciate it very much.”

Luhan flounces over. “ _ Nǐ hǎo _ ,” he sing-songs, pecking Sehun’s cheek. “How is planning going?”

“Yixing is going to whip the attention whores into shape.” Sehun replies.

Luhan hums with approval. “I don’t like them either. Noisy little twats. Give ‘em hell, Xing.”

“Don’t worry, I will. I need to make up for last year when they didn’t know the awesome power that is Zhang Yixing.” Yixing smiles.

“They’ve had it too easy since Jongin quit. He didn’t even do anything last year, but everyone was afraid of him because he looked so icy.” Sehun says. “And even though he didn’t look involved at all, his dancing was better than anyone else’s. Jongin’s not there anymore so the underclassmen think they’ve won something.”

“Xing-Xing will fix that.” Luhan says with certainty.

“And with any luck Jongin will come back next year… senior year might be nice if I never had to worry about those little twats getting anything good.” Sehun adds, slightly wistful.

“Yeah, it’d be nice to have the three of us together again.” Yixing nods. “Like old times.”

 

Jongin is throwing up again.

Zitao is listening again.

“My cigarette offer still stands,” Zitao remarks as he watches Jongin wash out his mouth.

Jongin spits into the sink. “Fuck off.”

“Just saying.” Zitao flicks some hair out of his eyes. “Thought I’d give you a heads up, Kyungsoo’s back in town.”

Jongin spins so fast he stumbles against the sink. “What?”

“Student exchange thing. Couldn’t really understand from Chanyeol’s jabbering. But he’s back. Just thought you’d want to know.”

Jongin feels his chest tightening. He feels the urge to break down and cry. He wants to drink himself into oblivion while Joonmyun tries to stop him. He wants to throw up again.

“Chanyeol said that Kyungsoo said you and he have some sort of agreement about interacting so nothing is going to get ugly.”

“Yeah, we have an agreement.” Jongin rasps. “Now can you leave me the fuck alone?”

Zitao snorts. “Sure thing.”

 

“So can you tell me about this agreement you have with Jongin?” Chanyeol asks again.

Kyungsoo stiffens slightly, as if he’s remembering something. “There’s not much to it,” he says carefully. “We agreed not to seek out one another. We said we’d avoid one another.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think about unpleasant things.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine.” Kyungsoo reassures. “It’s strange, I tell myself I’m ready to be here, ready for the chance of seeing him, but as soon as he pops up in my head I want to run. I want it to be gone – the fear, the feelings. I know they won’t go away anytime soon, but I can’t help but be impatient.”

“You have a wound that may never heal, you said so yourself.”

“That’s true. What about you?” Kyungsoo bumps his shoulder gently against Chanyeol’s arm. “How are you feeling about the whole Kris thing?”

“It’s hard, but I’ll live. I’ve never given up on a person before. Sometimes I look at Kris and wonder if I did the right thing. He looks like he really needs a friend, and normally I’d go a-running. But I stop myself, remind myself, but it’s always gnawing at the back of my mind. I want to go to him, but I don’t. Then I wonder again, was I right to cut him off?”

“I don’t have an answer.” Kyungsoo smiles softly. “But you’ll figure it out. And I will too.”

Chanyeol gives Kyungsoo’s hand a squeeze and hopes.

 

“How are you?”

_ You are weak _ . Kris’s mind tells him.  _ You promised to stay away and here you are, what, two weeks later, going back on that promise. Weak. So weak _ .

Joonmyun is unresponsive.

“I’m sorry. I’m just worried. You look sad.”

_ Dumbass, he’s looked sad forever. When was the last time you saw him happy? Definitely not around you. _

Kris bites his lip. “I wish you’d talk to me. I want you to let me in.”

Joonmyun shuts his book with a snap. He pushes out his chair and walks away without looking at Kris once. Kris’s heart clenches. The rejection never stops hurting.

“It was only you. You were always the one I longed for. I just want to help. You’re not the only one that’s hurting, you know.”

Joonmyun turns to look at him finally. His eyes are hard. Kris flinches at the intensity of his gaze. Joonmyun’s voice is ice cold. “You’re right. Chanyeol is hurting. And Jongin is hurting. Everyone’s hurting. It’s not just you either.”

Kris feels as if he’s been punched in the gut, smacked down with cold hard facts.  _ You’re the selfish one _ .

“The world is big, Kris.” Kris hates the way Joonmyun says his name. “We’re not the only people in it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Kris isn’t used to this, he’s not used to Joonmyun fighting him back. He’s gotten too comfortable being an aggressor.

“For everything.” Kris stares at the library’s carpet. “I’m sorry for talking to Dongjun.”

Joonmyun stomps forward and shoves Kris. It’s feeble, but there’s anger behind it. Joonmyun’s hands burn Kris’s chest, as if he’s been branded with hot iron. “You had no right.” Joonmyun growls. “You had no right!”

Kris hangs his head. He deserves this.

“Tell me why. I want you to tell me why.”

Kris shakes his head.

“Tell me!”

“You’ll hate me more.” Kris whispers.

“I want to know. You owe me that much!”

“You were scaring me. I was afraid you were going off the deep end.” Kris stammers. “I thought Dongjun would help you… I never thought he’d break up with you.”

“What do you expect when you tell someone his boyfriend is being seen with someone else and lying about his recovery?” Joonmyun seethes.

“I never meant for it to happen.”

“When did it start?”

“November.”

“What made you do it?”

It’s time to confess. “On Halloween, something did happen.”

“You told me nothing happened.” Joonmyun suddenly looks scared.

“You were so drunk you thought I was Dongjun. Y-y-you tried coming on to me.”

“What does that mean?” Joonmyun sounds like he knows.

“You kissed me and you asked me to sleep with you. But nothing happened, I just calmed you down. Then you started crying and asking why Dongjun had left you.” Kris finishes. “You asked me not to leave you so I didn’t, but when you woke up you freaked out and ran away.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Joonmyun is nearing hysteria.

“How could I? How could I say that with Jongin following you around like a watchdog?”

“What else have you lied about?” Joonmyun screams. “What else are you going to tell me later? You might as well say it now!”

Kris feels so small. He’s rarely experienced truly angry Joonmyun and he feels small and insignificant. He’s a tiny ant being crushed underfoot. His insides paint the cold sidewalk and is swept away by wind and wear. He’ll be reduced to nothing but the ghost of a stain and no one will care.

“There’s nothing else. I didn’t  _ lie _ .” He says desperately.

“I hate you.” Joonmyun spits. “Leave me alone.”

“Please don’t hate me. I’ll leave you alone. I won’t bother you. I’ll keep that promise.”

“Your promises don’t mean anything.” Joonmyun hisses. “I don’t want you in my life ruining everything!”

The door to the library slams shut leaving Kris alone and feeling as if nothing will close the distance between him and Joonmyun.

 

“You look angry.”

“I’m not,” Joonmyun says with a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m having mood swings.”

“It’s the pills.” Jongin replies.

“But I haven’t had the urge to cut.” Joonmyun bites his lip. “So it’s worth the mood swings. But I don’t like myself when I get angry.”

“So you  _ were _ angry.”

“I just had a fight with Kris.” Joonmyun quickly squeezes Jongin’s hand. “You don’t need to do anything.” He frowns. “I think I took care of it.”

“Meaning?” Jongin prompts.

“I was really mean. I just lost control and said a lot of things. I feel bad.”

“But? There’s a ‘but’ coming.”

“But I don’t think I can apologize. I said a lot of things, terrible things, and if I apologize now it might be read as insincere. I don’t want to be a liar.”

Jongin noses Joonmyun’s temple softly. “I have some snarky things to say about Kris, but I know you don’t want to hear them.”

“Thank you.” A pause. “I feel like we don’t talk anymore.”

“I’ve been distant. I’m sorry.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“It’s getting expensive replacing everything I go through.” Jongin replies snidely. “But it’s not as if my father is ever home enough to notice it.”

“Jongin.”

“It’s no use stopping. And Kyungsoo is back in town… I need to be drunk to stomach the thought.” Jongin sighs. “I swore to stay away. I will. I couldn’t hurt him again. I’ve already done it so much.”

Joonmyun strokes Jongin’s hair affectionately. “You won’t. You’ve changed.

“Have I?” Jongin mutters darkly.

Joonmyun pretends not to hear.


	36. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 2 February 2014
> 
> Tw: graphic attempted sexual assault

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adsmPeH3ZKg) **Lorde** \- _Glory and Gore_ | “ _You’ve been drinking like the world was gonna end (it’s ending). Took a shiner from the fist of your best friend (go figure). It’s clear that someone’s gotta go_.”

 

 

Somewhere in the swirling, black phantasm of Jongin’s mind is an enormous amount of apprehension, that is, there is a significant part of his being worried about Joonmyun.

Jongin is not actually in a position to be concerned about the wellbeing of others given that he himself is on a one-way ride to his own demise. His head constantly throbs from his binge drinking and he’s pretty sure he’s damaged his liver at this point. He couldn’t care less about taking care of his own health, but is always concerned about Joonmyun’s.

Because Joonmyun is Jongin’s penance. Because Joonmyun remains by Jongin’s side despite what he has done, despite what he is, and Jongin can’t express his gratitude enough for that. In a world where everyone turned their backs on him, Joonmyun stayed. Jongin does not forgive himself for his past transgressions and believes he is unforgivable for them. But Joonmyun is there to hold his hand and tell him, “We’ve come so far. You’ve come so far. You’ve changed.” Jongin does not believe Joonmyun, but he’s glad that at least one person does not believe he is inherently evil.

There’s a small part of Jongin that unconsciously draws parallels between Joonmyun and Kyungsoo. It is by no means a smart thing to do, but he can’t always help it. But Kyungsoo was his best friend for nearly ten years, and Jongin’s confusion ruined it all. Jongin liked to dance. He liked idol girl groups. He liked dancing along to idol girl groups. But he was reared by a man who had a rock-solid image of masculinity and nonconformity was not permitted. His father only relented because other places began considering dance a sport, and their country valued people who were athletic.

Jongin thought he liked girls. He was a teenager. He’d seen enough porn of women with unrealistic bodies sweating all over his computer screen to believe it. But Kyungsoo threw a wrench in his perfected thinking. Kyungsoo, who was definitely a boy, was not someone Jongin was supposed to be attracted to. Jongin kissed him, hoping to dispel his confusion because if he wasn’t anything, he surely wasn’t gay, but it did nothing but make him want Kyungsoo more. The desire was unbearable; it was a heat clawing at the underside of his skin, desperate for release. He’d let it out, dominating and forceful in a shower stall of a smelly locker room and left the person he’d called his best friend alone, crying, and bleeding while he’d walked away as if nothing had happened. And he’d denied anything bad had transpired, denied it for months. Made Kyungsoo suffer from what he’d been unable to identify as guilt for months. Continued to make him suffer as he revealed the extensive self-inflicted cuts to his chest. Reversed months of therapy when he’d chased Kyungsoo down to ask for what he didn’t deserve.

Jongin thinks he should’ve killed himself a long time ago and saved himself a lot of grief. But if there’s one thing Jongin is, he is a coward. He was too afraid to confess his confusion, too afraid to actually kill himself, too afraid to swallow his pride and apologize for his transgressions. He is a coward. But if he hadn’t been a coward, who would be holding up Joonmyun now? Joonmyun, who is a glittering beacon in Jongin’s swirling, asphyxiating darkness, who is in the same boat, who is Jongin’s reconciliation. Jongin’s ready to throw himself off the edge but Joonmyun is there to drag him back come hell or high water.

But there’s an itch under Jongin’s skin, and that doesn’t bode well for anyone.

 

“Get your ass up.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Stop being a brat.” Baekhyun stabs the tip of his mechanical pencil into Jongdae’s side making his boyfriend screech. “We need to go to the stage and set up for practice!”

“But if we go alone I’ll feel to insane need to kiss you senseless.” Jongdae whines.

“You’re the one who volunteered us for the job, genius! Loudly, and acting like we were about to enter the Hunger Games!”

“I’m not the one who cried reading the books!”

“That’s because you didn’t  _ read _ them, dummy!”

“Would you two stop and come on?” Minseok sighs.

“Come on where?” Their heads swivel.

“The director saw me passing by and asked me to lend you two a hand. He said he realized he gave you two a lot of work.” Minseok looks the pair over. “Apparently you haven’t done anything anyway. Let’s go lovebirds, we have a set to finish.”

“This is your fault,” Baekhyun sniffs at Jongdae.

“I’ll make it up to you later.”

“STOP PLANNING A SEXUAL RENDEZVOUS BEHIND MY BACK.” Minseok shrieks. “SO HELP ME I WILL HAVE ZITAO KILL YOU BOTH.”

 

“We missed you.” Zitao hugs Kyungsoo.

“We’re glad you’re back.” Luhan chimes in. “Xing and Sehunnie are planning for the dance showcase. They’ll be by later. How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine.” Kyungsoo smiles. He feels normal, as if he never left these people. “Inchon’s nice, but I still miss Seoul. It’s great to be back.”

They catch up in the park. The sun is shining. Birds are singing. It’s picturesque but not in the grotesque was it was the last time he came. He finds himself able to relax and laugh. He feels oddly human after a period of detachment. Seeing Jongin in June had forced a relapse of the nightmares and the irrational fears that haunted his waking hours. His body was recovering, but his mind was having infinitely more trouble.

Sitting here, in the sunshine, laughing with friends, Kyungsoo feels as if his mind can recover too. After Sehun and Yixing join them, Kyungsoo’s face hurts from smiling and his sides hurt from laughing. It’s the loveliest kind of hurting and Kyungsoo is so happy. It’s as if nothing dark had transpired in this place; it’s as if Kyungsoo is nothing but a high school student playing with his friends in the park.

But Kyungsoo can see their miniatures, flashbacks of what used to be, glitter across the street. Little Jongin is tugging at his hand, whining at him to come play tag. Little Kyungsoo refuses and plops down on the curb with a pout. Little Jongin pulls at Little Kyungsoo adamantly. A lump catches in Kyungsoo’s throat. He can’t regain that innocence.

“You okay, Kyungsoo?” Luhan’s hand on his arm jolts him back to the present.

“Yeah, I was just thinking of something.” Kyungsoo forces himself to smile. When he looks back at the curb, the memory is gone as is his peace of mind.

 

“When are you coming home?” Kris asks.

“I just don’t know, sweetie. The firm just signed another contract and they’re hinting they’ll need a translator. I’m sorry, baby. I promise I’ll get home. I miss you.” His mother sounds very far away.

“You’ve been gone for months.” Kris protests.

“I know, darling. I’ve been living out of my suitcase for months. I never intended to stay this long but my manager keeps recommending me.”

“Does he know you have a son? A son who has been home alone since  _ October _ ? Dad keeps getting stuck working too.”

“I’m sorry, Wufan.”

“I need to go do homework,” Kris mumbles. “Bye, Mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, honey.” Kris clicks off the phone and throws it across the room. The cordless phone bounces off the wall and clatters the floor harmlessly.

Kris detests his empty house. It’s a big one, one of the biggest in the neighborhood. His family has a lot of money at the cost of never being around. When he was younger, they lived in a smaller, cozier place. His parents worked a normal 9 to 5 day. His father was always there to toss around a baseball or play basketball. His mother was always there to bake cookies and help with homework. They were just  _ there _ . Then his father got a promotion and was flown to Vancouver to help along trade deals. His mother was recommended for bigger projects and she was often jetting between Korea and China, translating. They moved to a bigger house but they were never there to enjoy it. Kris was left alone in the spacious place.

Kris picks up the fallen phone and places it back in its charging cradle. He sighs heavily and leans against the granite countertop of his kitchen. When he was a baby they moved to Korea. When he was a middle school student they moved to this big house. Every time they moved places Kris felt displaced and left behind. He used to have friends to fill the emptiness of his home but they too had gone.

Part of him thinks he deserves this for his own selfishness. His regrets fill the empty rooms and spill over into the hallways. He drowns in them, thrashing wildly for air, for help, but no one offers a hand of assistance. Yixing was right, once Park Chanyeol gives up on you it means you’re beyond all hope.

There’s another part of him that stubbornly believes he’s being wronged. He tries to squash this part, but it’s undeniable. What the hell did he do to deserve this? He’d changed himself after visiting Vancouver with his father. Seoul was a city, but it was a homogenous one and in a world of clashing colors he’d felt small and forgettable. He wanted to stand out, craved the attention, and high school was a perfect opportunity to rewrite himself. He wished he hadn’t been so cold and indifferent then. He foolishly thought he could replace his childhood companions with new ones but these new friends only knew his bravado. They knew Kris, not Wufan.

Kris wants to be Wufan. He wants his empty house to be full. He wants his friends back. He sighs again and rests his forehead against the dark grain of the cabinets. He is not selfish to want, but sometimes he can’t help but feel he’s royally fucked everything. So he tells himself: I am not selfish. I do not deserve this.

 

Kyungsoo. Do Kyungsoo. Do fucking Kyungsoo.

Jongin had no intention of seeing him. But as Kyungsoo was unintentionally found by Jongin, Jongin was unintentionally found by Kyungsoo. No words were exchanged, but seeing Kyungsoo enough was enough to make Jongin’s blood heat up.

“Jongin! Kim Jongin!” Kyungsoo calls out to him but Jongin walks away, blood throbbing in his ears. His body aches from wanting, how he wants to embrace Kyungsoo and beg forgiveness once more, but he promised to stay away.

He walks faster, breaking out into a cold sweat. The cold sweat on his heated skin sends him into a sensory overload. He can feel his self-control slipping away into oblivion. He doesn’t trust himself right now. He’s pulsating with energy and he’s this close to blowing up.

His phone buzzes. There’s a new text from Joonmyun.

_ I’m in the basement. Where did you run off to? _

Jongin’s blood rushes around.  _ I’ll be right there. _

His heart palpitates. His palms sweat. The burning under his skin is unbearable.

 

Jongin grabs Joonmyun and shoves him face down onto the concrete floor of the basement. “What on earth… Jongin, let go of me!”

“You know what happened today, Joonmyun?” Jongin says. “I saw Kyungsoo today.”

“I thought you were going to stay away from him.” Joonmyun squirms beneath Jongin.

“It was unintentional, but do you know what I realized, Joon?” Jongin digs his fingers into the tender flesh of Joonmyun’s sides. “You remind me of him, Joon. If only your lips were a little plusher, your eyes a little bigger,” Jongin pinches Joonmyun’s clothed thigh, “if you were a little rounder and not so skinny. You’d look like him.”

“Is that why you got so close to me?” Joonmyun hisses. “Get off of me.”

Jongin seizes a fistful of Joonmyun’s hair and yanks, making the smaller boy yelp in pain. “But you’re so pretty, Joonmyun. And I want all of you.”

“Excuse me?”

Jongin ruts his hips against Joonmyun. His movements are raw and animalistic. He’s scaring Joonmyun shitless. “I’m going to break you, Joon. I’m going to make you mine.” His fingers are groping every inch of Joonmyun and Joonmyun keeps squirming, trying to wrench himself free of Jongin’s grasp. But Joonmyun is weak whereas Jongin is strong and drunk on his rage and Joonmyun has no chance.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Jongin grunts, fingers popping the button of Joonmyun’s pants open. “I want to fucking wreck you.”

Joonmyun starts to sob as Jongin shoves his hand down the front of his pants. “Don’t touch me! Jongin, stop it. This isn’t you. Stop!”

Jongin fondles him shamelessly before yanking Joonmyun’s pants down to his knees. He fumbles with his own fly, snarling the whole time. “We’re made for each other, Joon. We’re so filthy and fucked up. We belong together.”

Joonmyun thrashes wildly, trying to get away. “This is wrong! I don’t want you to touch me!”

Jongin rocks his hips against Joonmyun’s bare buttocks, the denim of his pants chafing the exposed skin. “Do you feel this?  _ You _ did this to me.”

Joonmyun’s tears drip onto the concrete floor. “Jongin, I’m scared. Don’t hurt me. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me!”

Jongin freezes suddenly. He turns Joonmyun onto his back. Joonmyun inches away and curls into a ball, sobbing. “Joonmyun? Joonmyun? Oh my god, what am I doing?” He reaches to touch Joonmyun, who flinches away and stumbles to his feet, pulling up his pants.

“Don’t touch me,” Joonmyun whimpers.

Jongin looks dazed. “What am I doing? Did I really just… Joonmyun, oh my god, Joon, I’m so sorry.” He starts to cry as he pulls Joonmyun into his arms. “I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry.”

Joonmyun sobs harder, clinging to Jongin. “I knew it wasn’t really you, I knew you’d never…”

Jongin shushes him, peppering his wet face with soft kisses. “I’m never going to hurt you again.”

“I knew you wouldn’t but I was so scared.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” Jongin pulls back to cup Joonmyun’s face. “I can’t believe I almost… I haven’t changed at all…”

Joonmyun shakes his head. “That’s not true, you and I have come so far…”

Jongin cuts him off. “I don’t trust myself, Joon. I almost… Is it true? Do old habits die hard? I swore not to hurt and I almost did. Please, Joonmyun, stay away from me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I couldn’t do that.”

“I’m afraid of what I’ll do. What if I lose it again?”

“You won’t.”

“You shouldn’t trust me.”

“I only have you, Jongin. If I don’t trust you I’ll be completely isolated.”

Jongin kisses his forehead. “Joonmyun, I love you and I will never leave you. But right now I need to figure some things out and if you’re near me I’m afraid you’ll end up being collateral damage. I’m a mess, Joon. We’re filthy, but I don’t want to make you worse.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Joonmyun mumbles, hugging Jongin. “You’re the only one who has stayed by my side. You help me.”

“Do I?” Jongin wonders aloud, stroking Joonmyun’s hair. “Joonmyun, I’m so afraid.”

“I am too.”

Jongin kisses him softly. “I need to be alone. I’m sorry for doing this.”

Joonmyun nods. “You’re going to be fine, Jongin. We’re going to get through this.” 

_ But I’m not _ , Jongin thinks.


	37. May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 8 February 2014
> 
> Tw: graphic depiction of suicide

⎘ _Hold Still_ by Nina LaCour | “ _I don’t want to hurt you or anyone else, so please forget about me. Just try. Find yourself a better friend_.”

 

 

Chanyeol cracks.

It’s not an earth shattering revelation, nor is it a strike of lightning hitting his body. Chanyeol is smart enough to know the ache in his chest from looking at Wufan is not a feeling he can endure any longer. Chanyeol is not this person. He can’t sit idly by and watch his friend suffer. So even when Baekhyun threatens his life and when Jongdae tries to dissuade him, likely egged on by Baekhyun, Chanyeol breaks under the pressure he put upon himself.

He grabs Wufan by the arm and drags him in for a hug. Wufan is rigid in his embrace and Chanyeol buries his face in Wufan’s shoulder. His apology comes out muffled through the fabric of a shirt.

“What are you doing?” Wufan asks.

“I need to apologize.” Chanyeol says more clearly.

“For what?”

Chanyeol pulls away, eyes already red with tears. “For giving up on you. It was wrong of me to do.”

“I told you it was fine,” Wufan grunts. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“Yes I do. It hurts, it hurts not caring. I go around preaching that we shouldn’t turn our backs on our friends, but I did just that. I saw how sad you were and I tried not to care and it hurt. It was awful of me to do that to you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

“You forgave me for something worse, I can forgive you too.”

Chanyeol hugs him tighter. “Thank you.” He pulls away. “How are you?”

Wufan visibly hesitates. Wufan has been silently building his walls back up, loathing himself and confining himself to the dark labyrinth of his own thoughts. But here was Chanyeol, scraping his hands against the bricks, trying to tear down the wall. Wufan longed to knock it down too, to let Chanyeol back in.

“You can tell me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Lonely,” is all Wufan manages to croak out. Chanyeol prompts him softly and before Wufan can stop himself, he’s telling Chanyeol about those agonizing months spent in isolation and how much it hurt. He can feel himself getting hoarse as he starts crying. He tells Chanyeol about the cold glares of his friends as he cries into Chanyeol’s shoulder. His own shoulders feel lighter and Chanyeol’s arms around him feel safe. The ache in his chest has evaporated. He feels like he can breathe, he’s treading water; he’s alive. He doesn’t feel quite so empty with Chanyeol’s voice in his ears.

 

Jongin is puking. Zitao is listening. It’s nearly routine.

Jongin staggers out and over to the sink. He turns on the tap and splashes ice water that runs from the hot tap into his mouth. He swishes it around and spits the acrid liquid into the sink. It pools in the middle of the porcelain bowl before dribbling down the drain.

“How do you still have a working liver?” Zitao asks offhandedly.

“How do you know it’s working?” Jongin retorts taking a paper towel and dabbing at his mouth. “Nothing else of mine is working.”

Zitao puts a candy cigarette into his mouth and chews at the end of it. “Why’re you drinking yourself to death?”

“It’s a long fucking story.”

Zitao checks his watch. “Pity, the passing period bell is about to ring. Four minutes doesn’t sound sufficient, does it?”

Jongin shoots Zitao a dirty look as he heaves himself upright. His face is haggard. His eyes look enormous on his face. They’re bloodshot and ringed by dark circles. He looks as terrible as he feels.

“How’s Joonmyun?”

“Better off than me,” Jongin says.

Zitao nods slightly. “You two should really let us in. We can help.”

Jongin scoffs. “You have no idea what you’re saying.”

The bell rings and Jongin stumbles out of the bathroom. Zitao’s words echo is Jongin’s head ominously.

Jongin _supposes_ that he has options.

It’s theoretical of course, but today he could pick up his phone, call a hotline, see a counsellor or file for emancipation, and move into a halfway house. He could get a job and move far away from the city, change his name, and start a new life. Or he could stay in the same place, silently contemplating what he’s been contemplating for months now. So yes, Jongin thinks he might have options, but only one of them is rock solid.

It’s scary how comfortable that option has become.

 

“You what?” Chanyeol’s brow crinkles.

“I don’t know what made me do it, but I did. I called out to him. He heard me, I could tell, but he ran off.” Kyungsoo bites his lip. “I don’t know why I did it.”

Chanyeol scratches the back of his neck. “I thought… but the agreement…”

“I know it doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand either. But you don’t say anything about him anymore. There’s a part of me that wonders how he is. We were best friends for ten years, Yeol. You can’t really throw away ten years no matter how hard you try.” Kyungsoo bites his lip. “They told us in group therapy that the person who assaulted you goes through trauma too, a different kind, but there’s still trauma. There’s guilt or regret that can take you over if you don’t get any help for it… is it strange that I want him to get help?”

“No, it’s not strange.” Chanyeol sighs. “I really don’t know how he’s doing. He’s become really withdrawn, even from Joonmyun.”

Kyungsoo nods and says quietly. “I want to talk to him.”

“Do you want me to ask him?”

“Could you?”

“I’ll try.”

 

“Yixing.”

“Yes?” Yixing turns. His face colors with confusion. “Jongin? Are you okay?”

Jongin gulps. His face is pale. “I wanted to apologize to you. It’s a couple years late, but I wanted to say sorry for stealing that dance routine when we were freshmen. I was idiotic and young and I shouldn’t have done it.” He swallows thickly. “And I wanted to thank you for exposing what I was. I hated you so much for it, but it was for the better, right? Because of you I stopped hurting Kyungsoo. So, I’m sorry and thank you.”

“What’s this all about, Jongin?”

“Nothing, I’m just making peace with a few things.”

 

“It’s strange, seeing you in the flesh again.” Joonmyun’s smile is brittle. “The last time I saw you, you were on Chanyeol’s computer screen.”

“Am I much different?” Kyungsoo asks; there’s a lilt of teasing in his voice.

“Yes, you look radiant in person.”

“And you look awful.”

Joonmyun barks out an empty laugh. “It’s my medication. I was off it so long and then I started taking it again. It’s wrecking me. I have mood swings and I barely eat.”

“It’s strange that you can be so nonchalant about it.”

“When you suffer beside someone else, you learn to ignore yourself.”

Kyungsoo’s smile fades. “How is he?”

“Very bad.” Joonmyun replies. “Much worse than he was.”

“I saw him a few weeks ago,” Kyungsoo says quietly. “I don’t know why, but I called out to him. I could tell he heard me, but he ran off.”

Joonmyun shivers. That was the day things were very… ugly. “He mentioned it.” Joonmyun says delicately. “But he didn’t want to talk about it.”

“What do you mean by he’s doing very badly?”

Joonmyun looks at Kyungsoo strangely. “Do you really want to know?”

Kyungsoo fidgets. “Part of me does, part of me doesn’t. I’m kind of worried, Chanyeol doesn’t mention him much, and when he does he doesn’t really know much. The two of you are close.”

“It isn’t scary to hear about him?”

“It is.” Kyungsoo says. “Sometimes if I think of him I panic. But therapy helps a lot. After trauma you start having all of these irrational fears related to the trauma. I’ve learned to sort out which fears make sense and which don’t.”

“He’s not doing well.” Joonmyun says. “He’s not handling his problems well. I don’t think either of us knows how to handle our problems. But he’s worse because there’s no support. His parents treat him like a leper. My mom cares a little bit, at least.”

“That’s so horrible. They’re his parents…” Kyungsoo breathes.

“His actions don’t really reflect well on them. They shouldn’t have cast him to the wolves but they’re in an uncomfortable position. My parents care about me because I only hurt myself.”

Kyungsoo bites his lips. “Do you go to therapy?”

“Yes, but it doesn’t help me much. I suppose that’s partly my fault. I don’t behave when I go.”

“I can hardly imagine you misbehaving.” Kyungsoo says weakly. “Has Jongin ever…”

“No.”

“I want him to get some help. Could you tell him that?”

“Sure. I’ll tell him.” Joonmyun doesn’t think Jongin will listen.

 

“Jongin.”

“What?” Jongin glares weakly at Chanyeol. Jongin’s face is haggard. He looks awful. Sick.

“Kyungsoo wants to talk to you.”

Jongin tenses. “Why? There’s nothing left to say.”

“He’s worried about you. Just talk to him for a couple minutes.”

“No.” Jongin growls. “I will not do that. There’s nothing left I have to say. There’s nothing for him to tell me anymore. It’s over. It’s all over.”

Chanyeol sighs. “Jongin, he’s _worried_.”

“No!” he covers his ears. “Just shut up.”

“Jongin.” Chanyeol reaches out to touch Jongin’s shoulder but he jerks away.

“Don’t touch me,” he rasps. “Please tell Kyungsoo to stay away from me. Please.”

 

“I knew you’d forgive Kris.” Minseok says. “You did the right thing.”

“You think so?” Chanyeol asks.

Minseok nods. “You’re a bleeding heart. And even though Kris did bad things I don’t think he’s a bad person. You can see that and I trust your perception of people.”

“That’s more than Baekhyun does,” Chanyeol grumbles. “He’s upset.”

“He’s a puppy trying to be a watchdog.” Minseok says smoothly. “He’ll come around. He bends to your whims.”

“You sound so wise.” Chanyeol chuckles.

“You’re one of my best friends and you’re always spouting wisdom so I absorb it. I’m also best friends with Jongdae and Zitao. They notice _everything_ so I do too by default.”

Chanyeol laughs. “I didn’t realize being a busybody was contagious.”

“It isn’t.” Minseok says with a sigh. “But they blab about everything they hear or see and I have no choice but to hear about it.” He nudges Chanyeol’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you."

“You sound like my mom,” Chanyeol teases.

“You did the right thing.” Minseok says. “It looks good on you.”

 

“Luhan.”

“Yes, Jongin?”

“You’ll take care of Joonmyun, won’t you? If something happens to me, you’ll watch out for him, right?”

“Jongin, what are you talking about?”

“Promise me, Luhan, please.”

“Of course I will, but Jongin, what are you talking about? Hey! Jongin!”

Jongin turns and walks away, leaving Luhan bewildered.

 

Jongin stares at his reflection. The person staring back is skinny; white lines cover protruding ribs and mottled skin. His face is a skeleton’s. His eyes are sunken in. Jongin is a corpse. He’s deteriorating. He’s dying. He doesn’t care.

“Kyungsoo,” he says to his reflection. “Do you know why I didn’t want to talk to you?” His words echo off bathroom tiles. “I can’t bear to see you again. It took me forever to remember what I’d done to you. Now whenever I see you, I don’t see you; I see us in that shower, and you’re crying and I’m hurting you. I can’t see you standing before me, I see what happened and I can’t make it stop.”

He gulps for air. “I loved you once, Kyungsoo. I was so confused. I wasn’t supposed to love you. I was supposed to like girls. My father… my father hated that I danced. He thought it was such a sissy thing to do. And did you know as soon as we got home from that meeting with your parents… as soon as we got home he punched me. He beat the shit out of me. He said it was to beat the sociopath out of me. My mom didn’t stop him. _I deserved it_ , they said. He didn’t care that I did it you in particular, he hated that I did it to a boy.” Jongin clutches at the sink weakly. “And do you know what the last thing he said to me was, Kyungsoo? The very last thing he said to me? He hasn’t spoken to me directly since that day, Kyungsoo. Do you know what he said?”

Jongin leans in closer to his reflection.

“ _You’re not my son_.”

 

There’s one more person Jongin has to speak to.

“Kris.”

Kris turns, narrows his eyes. “Yes?”

Jongin scowls. “This won’t take long. Just…” Jongin pauses. “Please promise me that you’ll take care of Joonmyun.”

“Joonmyun wants nothing to do with me, no thanks to you.” Kris snorts.

Jongin sighs, agitated. “Just promise me.”

“Jongin, I want to help Joonmyun. He won’t let me.”

“Promise me, Wufan!”

Kris blinks at his name. Jongin looks agitated. “I promise,” he says softly.

Jongin nods, looking pleased. “Good, good, that means I won’t have to worry.”

“What are you talking about?” There’s a sinking feeling in Kris’s stomach. “Jongin? Jongin!” But Jongin is walking away. Kris’s stomach clenches. He doesn’t like this.

 

“Have you seen Jongin?” Joonmyun asks.

Zitao shakes his head. “I saw him at the beginning of school but not since then.”

“Have you seen Jongin?” Joonmyun tries again.

Yixing and Sehun shake their heads. “He was acting weird third period. But I haven’t seen him since.” Yixing says. “Sorry.”

“Have you seen Jongin?” Joonmyun is starting to feel desperate.

“I did, but he was acting strange and left. I think he skipped his last class.” Kris says.

“What do you mean strange?” Joonmyun asks nervously.

“I don’t know, he was talking to me… I think he went home.”

Joonmyun nods. “Thanks, Wufan.”

Kris nods stiffly as he watches Joonmyun go. The sinking feeling in his stomach is still there.

 

“Jongin? Where are you?” Joonmyun calls into the dark, empty basement. He feels his way down the stairs. “It’s so dark down here. I’m going to turn the light on.”

He shouldn’t have turned the light on.

Joonmyun’s scream echoes off the concrete walls as he propels backwards.

Jongin’s wrists are slit, red stains the floor.

Jongin’s body swings limply from a rope.

Joonmyun screams.


	38. June

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 15 February 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVABP0pWylQ) **t.A.T.u**. - _Sacrifice_ | “ _You caress me softly, calm my fears and soothe me. Move your hands across me; take my worries from me_.”

 

 

There’s a funeral, but it’s a private family affair. The school brings in grief counsellors. It’s odd, Jongin was so withdrawn, talked to so few people, and yet he managed to shake them all up with his suicide.

The police investigate. Jongin was smart. He had been planning for a while, apparently waiting for the right time. He left letters and a will, with added instructions under certain circumstances. One such circumstance was if Kyungsoo didn’t want the letter Jongin left him.

“I’m so sorry,” Kyungsoo sobs, holding out a tear stained envelope to Joonmyun. “It must hurt so much more for you, I’m sorry that I’m doing this. But,” Kyungsoo hiccups loudly. “It says if I can’t read it to give it to you. I’m sorry. But I can’t read this now. I’m not ready. Please, Joonmyun, can you hold this for me until I am? I will be, I’m just not.”

“Of course,” Joonmyun says numbly. “I’ll hold it for you.”

“I’m sorry to trouble you like this. I just…” Kyungsoo pulls Joonmyun into a hug. “I never thought this would happen.”

“Neither did I,” Joonmyun admits.

And he didn’t. No one did. Joonmyun has his own letter to pore over, it’s significantly longer than the others Jongin left it seems. After a few days, Jongin’s mother comes to visit him with a box.

“Jongin said to give these to you.” Mrs. Kim explains. “Take care of yourself, Joonmyun.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Kim.” Joonmyun swallows thickly. “I’m sorry.”

Mrs. Kim pats his knee softly and gives him a sad little smile. “You lost him too.”

It’s so strange that Jongin’s parents seem so put-together on the outside, but Joonmyun supposes it’s because in their own way they had lost Jongin long before he died. Joonmyun knew Jongin wasn’t close to his parents, especially not his father. He never wanted to elaborate on it, so Joonmyun didn’t push him. Joonmyun understood; he didn’t like talking about his family either.

 

_ Dear Joonmyun, it must seem out of the blue that I left, but I had this planned out for months. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t want to upset you. See, that night in January I realized I had unfinished business to attend to before dying. So once I had taken care of everything I decided to leave. I hope you can understand and forgive me, Joonmyun. But I made sure it would be alright. I promise. _

 

Joonmyun opens the box and starts pulling things from it. There’s not much inside, there are a few haphazard papers with rough sketches on them, CDs, notebooks full of poorly drawn  _ manhwa _ characters, a couple of abused paperback books, and finally, a photo album. Joonmyun fishes out the photo album and flips through it. It contains pictures from their childhood; on the back of each photo there’s a date and a little blurb about what was happening. Joonmyun smiles softly at it. They looked so tiny and carefree, the future was bright and exciting. 

They never knew it wouldn’t be.

 

_ The thing is I didn’t realize just how many loose ends I had to tie off. I didn’t plan on sticking around this long. But a lot of what I had to do meant taking my pride down a few pegs, and I was very reluctant to do that. The first thing I had to do was apologize to Yixing. I never wanted to, I was just too prideful. An old part of me wanted to stubbornly believe I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I had. And I did apologize to him and I thanked him for exposing me so I stopped hurting Kyungsoo. I’m grateful to him for that. _

 

Joonmyun doesn’t see the grief counsellor and he doesn’t talk about Jongin with his therapist. He doesn’t want to talk about Jongin. His pathetic heart can’t take it.

“Are you sure?” The therapist’s eyes crinkle worriedly. “This is very serious.”

“I’ve made my peace with it.” Joonmyun lies. “I don’t want to talk about him.”

The therapist makes a little note, but for once doesn’t push him.

 

_ Next, I had to make sure I didn’t leave you alone. That night in January I realized I couldn’t die in peace if I really did leave you alone. So I made Luhan and Wufan swear to me they’d look after you. If they don’t I’m going to come back and haunt the shit out of them. They don’t trust me, but I trust them. They love you so much, Joonmyun, I hope they make good on their promise to me. Please let them in, I couldn’t bear the thought of you suffering by yourself. _

  
  


When the police found Jongin’s body, they also found Joonmyun’s. Wufan’s body had gone rigid with terror, icicles creeping into his chest as two bodies emerged from that basement. Jongin was dead but Joonmyun was only unconscious. He had fainted and had hit his head hard when he fell. Wufan found out later that Joonmyun had reacted badly in the hospital when he awoke, he was screaming for Jongin. The promise Wufan made sits heavily on him, but he intends to keep it.

“Joonmyun.”

“Yes, Wufan?”

“How are you?”

“I don’t know.” Joonmyun answers truthfully. “It’s June but I’m cold and numb. It feels like he isn’t really gone, but I know he is. So I don’t know how I am.”

Wufan gently takes Joonmyun’s hands into his larger ones. “I promised him I’d take care of you. And I will.”

 

_ Then I had to write these letters. I wrote to my parents, to apologize for the mess I’ve made of their lives. They should’ve had a better son. I’m sorry I was an only child. I can’t blame them entirely for becoming so ugly and dirty. I wonder how my father is going to take this. He hated me so much, Joonmyun, I never told you how much, but he hated me. He hated me for dancing, he hated me for liking men; he hated me for being his son. He hated me so much he told me I wasn’t his son. I admired and feared him when I was little. It was his alcohol that I used to escape. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I guess. _

 

“Thank you, Wufan.”

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I’m making my peace with my life. I’m sorry I mistreated you.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t. No one deserves that.”

 

_ I wrote to Kyungsoo too. I didn’t know if he’d want to read what I wrote, so I wrote on the envelope that he could have you hold onto it until he wanted to read the letter. I hope that’s okay with you. I trust you. He doesn’t know why I hurt him so much, at least not the real reason. I did it because I was messed up and confused, Joonmyun. I hope when he finally reads my letter that he’ll know that. I never expect to be forgiven, but I hope he can find peace now that I’m gone forever. In the afterlife, I hope I’ll drift far from his thoughts. _

 

“Chanyeol is a pretty big mess now. He took it really hard.” Wufan mentions. “Sehun too.”

“Jongin wouldn’t want them to. He told me not to be sad.” Joonmyun starts crying. “But how can I not be sad? It hurts. It hurts so much.”

Wufan immediately wraps his arms around Joonmyun. He can’t remember the last time they’ve been so close together. Joonmyun is leaning on him, depending on him. Wufan pats Joonmyun’s back gently.

 

_ Joonmyun, I wonder how I’m going to be remembered. As I write this, I wonder what people will think of me when I’m gone. Are they going to say, ‘good, that little creep is gone,’ or are they going to cry and miss me? Will it be genuine if they do? When they find me and it spreads all around town, is everyone going to say they knew me? That I was quiet and well behaved? Or that I was a terrible kid, always making problems? Will the kids at school say they shared classes with me? That they knew I was on dance team when I was an underclassmen? Will they mention what I did to Kyungsoo? Now I’m wondering why I care, since I didn’t care in life. I’m more worried people will get down on you for being friends with the head case that hung himself. Don’t worry about me, Joonmyun, it didn’t hurt. _

 

Wufan doesn’t clearly remember how the others reacted. He remembers crying and shock and even anger. Luhan had almost fainted and Yixing had looked sick. Sehun had stormed off in what looked like a rage. The others had quietly nested together to try to figure out if what was happening was, in fact, real.

“I need to go to Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol had breathed out.

Wufan nodded. “Go to him.”

Chanyeol hesitated. “Are you sure? Are you going to be okay?”

“Yes, Chanyeol, I’m going to be fine. Go to Kyungsoo.”

Chanyeol gave his hand a squeeze. “Thank you.”

 

_ I’m sorry that I’m confessing here, but I love you, Joonmyun. That terrible day, I told you that you reminded me of Kyungsoo, and you do. When we were kids Kyungsoo was by my side always and we were such good friends. But I ruined that and made it dirty. You’re so innocent, I didn’t want to make what we had dirty. You were by my side despite what I was. You knew that I was hurting, and I knew you were hurting, so we hurt together. I love you because you stayed. I wanted that love to be pure. I’m sorry that I failed to keep it that way. I’m sorry I dirtied our relationship too. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me one day. _

 

Jongin’s death wakes him upl. Joonmyun realizes death is permanent. Once you’re dead you can’t say, “no, I made the wrong choice, let’s try again.” Death is permanent and Joonmyun doesn’t know if he wants to die anymore. When it hurts, he wants his heart to hurt less, but not stop beating forever. He thinks about Jongin’s lifeless body and shivers. He doesn’t want to be dead. He doesn’t want someone to find his body – his  _ corpse _ – and feel what he felt. The hollowness and numbness that permeates his body is an unbearable agony. He doesn’t know when he’ll stop seeing Jongin’s glassy eyes staring at him.

“There’s one more thing,” Joonmyun whispers as he leans against Wufan’s shoulder.

 

_ Joonmyun, there’s one last thing. It might be greedy of me to ask something of you, but please promise me to take care of yourself. I don’t want to see you in the afterlife any time soon. Please live a long, happy life for me. I did some research, Joonmyun, and there’s a program I found. It’s a small study program geared for people in recovery for mental illnesses. It sounds severe, but let me explain. There are four slots for people to go abroad and recover away from any sort of pressure associated with being at home. There’s one spot left, Joonmyun. I filled out the application for you, but didn’t mail it. Please mail it. Do it for me, Joon.   _

 

“No.”

“Wufan.”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Just listen!”

“I can’t!” Wufan croaks. “How can you even think of leaving?”

“Because I can’t get better here. My parents, my friends… I have expectations put on me and I can’t live up to them. I need to go away.” Joonmyun stares at the sidewalk. “I’m going to come back,” he whispers. “I’m going to come back.”

“Where are you going to be?”

“New York.”

Wufan cringes. “You’ll be so far away. You’ll be so far away from the people who love you. Luhan and I… we promised Jongin. How can we do that when you’re thousands of miles away from us?”

“Jongin wanted me to do this. I want to. I want to do it.”

 

_ Joonmyun, I love you. I’m sorry I left, but it’s better this way. Please be happy, Joonmyun. Don’t be sad. I hope I can meet you again in the next life and I hope we won’t be messes like we are in this one. But if we are, I’ll be better for it. I’ll stay by your side and I won’t leave you ever. _

 

“When? When are you leaving?” Wufan stares at the sky.

“The beginning of August.” Joonmyun answers.

Wufan sobs loudly.

“I’m not allowed to call home,” Joonmyun continues. “Please don’t worry about me.” He grabs Wufan’s hands. “I’m going to get better, Wufan!”

Wufan pulls him into a hug. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I have to. I want this. I want to do this because Jongin wanted me to.”

“Can’t you get better here?” Wufan whispers.

“It hasn’t worked. I won’t leave forever. I’m going to back. I’m going to get better. I’m going to get better!” Joonmyun is nearly shouting now as he clings to Wufan. “I’m going to come back healthy!”

“I know you will.” Wufan says, ruffling Joonmyun’s hair gently. “I know.”

They stand there for a few moments, then Joonmyun pulls away slowly. “I still don’t know how to lean on you,” he confesses softly.

“We’ll figure it out together, yeah?” Wufan says.

Joonmyun nods slowly. “I guess we will.”

 

_ Love, Jongin. _


	39. July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 20 February 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvNgSOwit6s) **Zhang Liyin & Xiah Junsu** \- _Timeless_ | “ _I leave with the whole world, will the sadness leave as well? … Swallowing the thousand tears, will I find out by then?_ ”

 

 

Joonmyun’s bags are packed by mid-July even though he doesn’t leave until the second week of August.

“Your father wants to see you before you go,” his mother says softly. His mother speaks to him so cautiously, as if a wrong comment could  _ break _ him, and Joonmyun thinks that should annoy the shit out of him but it doesn’t. His mother is trying her best, but she is a workaholic and Joonmyun starts to affirm with each passing day that she didn’t want to have children. So Joonmyun can’t blame her; it isn’t her fault.

“I don’t want to see him.” Joonmyun says.

“He hasn’t seen you in so long, Joonmyun. You’re still his son and you’re about to go to New York by yourself. He just wants to talk to you.”

“He never cared about me.” Joonmyun bites out. “Why start now?”

His mother sighs. “Joonmyun, please.”

_ It’s not her fault _ , Joonmyun reminds himself. “Fine,” he sighs. “When does he want to see me?”

Three hours later, Joonmyun finds himself sitting across from his father in a hotel dining room. His father is a larger image of Joonmyun. They have the same tired eyes and smiles, but his father is greyer around the edges and a little broader and taller. He’s wearing a crisp business suit but the tie is wrinkled. He smells faintly of cigarettes and strong black coffee.

“Are you sure about this New York thing?” his father asks.

“Yes.” Joonmyun replies.

“You know you will always have a place in my home in Pohang…”

“But I don’t have a place there,” Joonmyun interrupts. “You only offered to spite Mom.”

“That is entirely untrue. You are my son and I…”

“Since when? You’ve never cared about me. You were never a part of my life. You only ever cared about your work and never about me.”

His father huffs. “Joonmyun, that is not true. I have a demanding job, I did not choose work over you.”

“But you did! Don’t you remember my first day of kindergarten, Dad? When Mom got called early in the morning because something at her job was messed up? You had to bring me to school. I was terrified. I was crying and clinging to you, begging you not to leave me and you handed me over to the teacher and went to work. You didn’t care. You never cared.”

“Joonmyun, you are not remembering clearly.”

“Dad, why did you want to see me today? Let’s get this over with.”

His father sighs again. “You might think I don’t care about you, but you’re still my son. If you think you’ve made the wrong decision, you have a place in Pohang, whether or not you believe me. Just remember that.”

“Goodbye, Dad.” Joonmyun states, getting up and leaving.

 

Sometimes Joonmyun dreams of Jongin. They aren’t really scary dreams, but they scare Joonmyun anyway. Jongin is always hovering close by, looking on sadly. Joonmyun tries to reach for him, but Jongin drifts away. Joonmyun wakes up wracked with fear, why couldn’t he grab onto Jongin?

Joonmyun knows better than to blame himself, but sometimes he can’t help but wish he’d watched Jongin more carefully. He scratches idly at his wrist, sometimes peeling the scabs and causing blood to bubble up. The sight of blood makes him nauseous now. He doesn’t cut himself, but he can’t help picking at the scars. He’s so numb sometimes he needs to verify that he is in fact alive. Losing Jongin was like severing a limb. Joonmyun thinks he’s there, but when he looks there’s nothing. It hurts the most when he remembers that.

Despite everything, Joonmyun still feels tongue tied in front of his friends. He sees them more now, they’re all too worried to stay away, but he still can’t delve into his feelings well. Visiting his father left a bitter taste in his mouth, the stench of words unspoken. Maybe one day Joonmyun will muster the strength to say what his heart wants to, but he’s not ready yet.

He finds it easiest, and somehow simultaneously hardest, to talk to Wufan. Wufan is a comfort and a danger. Joonmyun remembers the Wufan who made his life so difficult, meddled in his affairs, and was just so cold, but then he remembers the Wufan who was his best friend and the one person Joonmyun thought he might be able to trust. They don’t talk about Jongin, because Joonmyun isn’t ready, so they talk about inconsequential things and Joonmyun’s upcoming departure.

“You’re really going then.”

“Yes, my plane ticket’s been booked.”

“I don’t want to believe you’re really going.”

“I’m not leaving forever.”

“I know, but it doesn’t do much.” Wufan smiles weakly. “My heart isn’t strong when it comes to you.”

“I saw my dad the other day.”

“Yeah? What happened?”

“I really wanted to yell at him… tell him that ignoring me as a child messed me up. I just couldn’t do it. I just walked away.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes walking away is better than fighting.”

“I think that all of my trust issues come from him. He and my mom didn’t even care how I felt when they got divorced. It seems so silly, but I just needed someone to explain what it all meant. I was a kid. I had no clue. I had all of these emotions and I kept trying to bottle them up, smother them so I wouldn’t  _ feel _ , and when they came to the surface I cut them out of my skin.”

Wufan grabs his hand. “You have friends. We’re here. We always will be.”

“I know. I just wished Jongin and I had realized it sooner.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I have to, Wufan.”

“I know. Just remember that we’re here for you, even if you’re far away.”

Joonmyun smiles. “I know.”

“And know that I am going to be right here waiting for you to come back. I am not going to leave. I can wait for you forever, because I love you.” Wufan adds.

“I’m too broken,” Joonmyun whispers. “I’m too broken for you to love me.”

“Then I’ll help put you back together, or I’ll be there when you’ve put yourself back together. Whichever happens. I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I never thanked you for being by my side. Thank you, Wufan.”

Wufan hugs him. “Just come back to me safely. That’s all I want.”

“I promise.”

 

It’s Luhan’s idea.

They’re gathered in the Wu family driveway with pens and papers and Zitao’s old cigarette lighter.

“I feel like even though Jongin tied up his loose ends with us, we didn’t do the same thing for him. So if we write down what we want to say, and then burn them, he’ll see them somehow.” Luhan explains. “And maybe we can all be at peace.”

The sit on the hot pavement, tongues bitten between teeth, writing on the papers. There are only ten of them now: Kyungsoo has returned to Inchon and Jongin is  _ gone _ . One by one, they read their words.

Luhan goes first. “I’m sorry I never took the time to understand you, but I’m going to keep my word to you.” He carefully lights the paper on fire and watches as it dissolves into smoldering ash.

Baekhyun sniffles. “I’m sorry for every nasty thing I called you. I wish I could take them back.”

“We were friends,” Sehun mumbles. “I shouldn’t have let you quit dance team. I should’ve fought with you about it. I should’ve been a better friend and talked to you.”

“Thank you for apologizing.” Yixing says. “But I wish you hadn’t needed to. I wish I hadn’t been vengeful towards you.”

Jongdae lights his paper. “I’m sorry we drifted so far apart. I hope you can rest peacefully now.”

Zitao is crying. “I should’ve taken however long it took to listen to you. I shouldn’t have brushed it off. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know you that well. Not even as little kids. I wish I’d known you a little bit better.” Minseok says sadly.

“I’m sorry we weren’t friends. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you. I knew you were hurting but I didn’t do anything. I regret that. I’m sorry, Jongin.” Chanyeol sniffles.

“Thank you for taking care of Joonmyun when I didn’t. I’m sorry for being such a jackass to you. I’ll keep my promise to you.” Wufan says softly.

“I’m going to get better for you. I’m going to New York, Jongin. I’ll miss you. Goodbye.” Joonmyun lights his paper and lets it fall onto the small pile of ashes with a sob.

It’s a smoldering pile of promise and partings. Joonmyun watches the flames burn out. 

Change is coming soon.


	40. August - One Year Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 1 March 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QG2_kYusK8) **Taeyeon & Tiffany** \- _Lost in Love_ | “ _Why haven’t I heard from you? I love you so I can wait for you endlessly. I’ll be smiling when you come back to me again._ ”

 

 

“He’s coming back today.” Chanyeol says, voice cheerful.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year.” Wufan replies.

“You’re picking him up from the airport, right?”

“Yeah. I wish you’d come with me.”

“Nah, he addressed those letters to you, not us. We’ll see him later. You should talk through some things.”

Wufan picks up the pile of letters that came a week ago. Wufan had read through them carefully. Joonmyun had explained before leaving that the participants in the program weren’t allowed to call home, but had been encouraged to keep diaries so they could talk about their recovery upon returning home. In his first letter, Joonmyun explained he had felt as though he should write his thoughts is the form of letters rather than diary entries. He had addressed the letters to Wufan and mailed them as soon as they were allowed to contact home.

“It seems surreal still. We’re not high school kids anymore. We’re heading to college in a few weeks.”

“I know.” Chanyeol nods, curls bouncing off his forehead. “Makes you feel old, huh?”

“Most definitely.” Wufan replies. “I want all that time back.”

“Would you change anything?”

“Are you kidding me? I’d change  _ everything _ . Total re-do. High school was easily the four worst years of my life. I wish I had a rewind button.”

“Sometimes I wish I had one too, but then I stop wanting that.”

“Why? You didn’t have a grand old time either.”

Chanyeol smiles, amused. “No, but at the same time it shaped all of us, right? We’re better for all the curveballs life has thrown at us.”

“But at the cost of one friend dead and two friends so emotionally scarred they had leave Seoul to recover from it. Kyungsoo only left the city but Joonmyun left the  _ continent _ .”

“That’s true, but look at us. We can roll with the punches now. Maybe it’s silly of me to find the positive in the shroud of darkness that was high school, but I try. We’re better people than we were. We’re entering the adult world ready for the stress and ready for the pain because we’ve already dealt with so much. We’re stronger people and because of that I think all that suffering was worthwhile.”

“You’re right; that’s silly.” Wufan sighs. “It’s sillier because whenever you get all philosophical I end up agreeing with you.”

Chanyeol smiles. “We did a lot of growing up, it was hard to do, but it had to happen.”

Wufan’s phone rings. Before he can say hello, Luhan is chattering away. “He’s coming back today! He’s coming back today! Should we prepare a cake? A welcome home party? What do you think? Sehunnie thinks we should just have a cake, but Zitao is going to  _ inhale _ it. Should we get two cakes? Should I get Minseok’s sister baking with that Easy Bake contraption she has? What time is his flight due? Oh crap, I don’t think I have any ingredients, I might just have to buy one. What do you think, Fan?”

“Breathe, Luhan, breathe. His flight doesn’t get in for another few hours. Whatever you do, don’t have it be too hyper. He’s going to be jet lagged.”

“So you’re saying just get a cake.”

“I… what? Uh, yes?”

Luhan sighs dramatically. “You are useless. I bet you don’t even know what kind of cake he’d want.”

“Uh, no?”

“Useless!” Luhan wails. “I’m off to think. Drive safely.”

Wufan hangs up while Chanyeol laughs. “Stop laughing at me,” Wufan grouches. “It sounds like Luhan has been chugging espresso all morning.”

“Today’s an exciting day. We haven’t seen Joonmyun in a year. We haven’t seen healthy Joonmyun in four years.”

Wufan nods thoughtfully. “I’m a little worried about seeing him.”

“You know him the best. He wrote to you.” Chanyeol smiles softly. “He has trust issues but he trusts you.”

“I don’t know if I deserve that. I eternally act like a dick.”

“But you’ve become a reformed dick.”

“Gee thanks. That’s very comforting.”

“No need for the sarcasm, Wufan.” Chanyeol chides.

“If I had an ounce of your positive energy I think I’d be ready to see him.”

“You still have a while before you need see him. Just do some breathing exercises.” A snort. “Or you could draw a picture.”

“Stop making fun of my artwork.” Wufan grumbles. “It isn’t my fault that my hands aren’t made to hold paint brushes or colored pencils.”

“I know, they’re made to hold basketballs or baseball bats. We’ve discussed this before.”

“You should really come with me.”

Chanyeol checks his watch. “You should start driving.”

“You are the worst. I am going to vomit all over Joonmyun.”

“Stop being melodramatic. Get it that car and scoot.”

“You’re the worst, Park Chanyeol.”

“Have a safe drive, Wufan.”

Wufan scowls as he pulls out of the driveway. Chanyeol waves at him and Wufan can’t help but grin a little. He’s nervous and he kind of want to barf, but underneath that anxiety he’s excited.


	41. Autumn - New York (One Year Prior)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 23 March 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh_TE4lSMcQ) **Girls’ Generation** \- _All My Love is For You_ | “ _The anxious look in my eyes is reflected in the window of the train I’m riding in a new town. You taught me not to forget my true self. I wonder if you’re shining now_.”

 

 

For Joonmyun, homesickness is familiar. He knows the hollow pangs of his loneliness better than anything else. His sadness sits closer than anything else. In a white box with a window and a door, he feels stifled. He’s no closer to treading water in New York than he was in Seoul. It only takes two days for Joonmyun to start second guessing himself.

Did he do the right thing?

Part of him knows that the taboo on calling home was to keep them from falling back on old habits, but Joonmyun wants to hear his mother’s voice like he never has before. He’s not very close to her, and only grew farther away as he got older, but he needs to hear her voice, be told that “Mommy is here, Joon baby. I’m right here.” His body is wracked with sobs at night. He needs his friends. He needs Luhan to fuss over him, and he needs Jongdae’s off-color jokes, and he needs Chanyeol’s words of wisdom, and he needs to be  _ home _ .

The second week in New York, Joonmyun finds himself sandwiched between Krystal and Sunyoung as they attempt to kill one other. Donghae is nowhere to be found but he wouldn’t have been helpful anyway. Krystal digs her sharp nails into Joonmyun’s arm and practically tears away the flesh. Sunyoung is pulling Krystal’s hair, ripping out chunks of chemically treated red. They’re both screaming like banshees, rattling Joonmyun’s ears, as he tries to force them apart. He’s stuck in the middle, mere collateral damage in their war.

“ _ Sangchu _ !  _ Sangchu _ !”

“Stop calling me that!”

“But that’s all you eat right? Lettuce. You’re a freak!”

“And you’re a bitch!”

Joonmyun digs his elbow in the hollow of Sunyoung’s ribs and finally shoves her far enough away to end the fight. Sunyoung clutches at her bony stomach and glares at him. Krystal is catching her breath and fixing her hair. The living room is suddenly too silent. They’re all panting. Joonmyun feels ancient.

“Would you two just stop?” he begs.

“This skinny freak,” Krystal spits, “belongs in a mental hospital.”

“Fuck you, Soojung!”

“Don’t call me that, you skeleton!”

“Stop!” Joonmyun shouts. He hates this. Does he belong here? Every day the question looms over his head. He is here because he promised Jongin. Jongin is watching him somewhere. Is he disappointed? Does he think he made a mistake in telling Joonmyun to do this? Joonmyun made promises, promises to return to Korea healthy. Every day he begins to doubt whether or not these are promises he can keep.

 

He goes to school that autumn. Donghae is older, enrolled in one of the local community colleges. His treatment is somewhat different. He doesn’t go to the same therapist, instead seeing one that specializes with substance abuse. Joonmyun is grateful. He doesn’t know how many of Donghae’s quips he can take.

Krystal leads Joonmyun and Sunyoung through the hallway. She walks with confidence and speaks English with ease. She shoves papers into his hands and jabs a red fingernail at his name. “Say it.”

Joonmyun’s tongue trips over the syllables. “Francis Kim.”

“What a stupid name. You sound like a pretentious prick.”

Joonmyun’s jaw flops open as Krystal turns to Sunyoung. “What’s your name,  _ sangchu _ ?”

Sunyoung shoves her and barks out, “Luna Park.”

“Don’t be such a bitch,” Krystal hisses. “Or else I’ll leave you to fend for your skinny-ass self. Understand me,  _ sangchu _ ?”

“Stop calling her that.” Joonmyun sighs.

“The same goes for you,  _ Francis _ . Your English sucks.”

“Why do you know English so well?”

“English kindergarten and  _ hagwon _ , kid.” Krystal stares at them smugly. “You better be nicer to me or else I’ll ignore you too.” With that, Krystal flounces off.

Sunyoung turns to Joonmyun. “She wouldn’t really do that, would she?”

Joonmyun shrugs. “She’s volatile. Let’s go.”

The thing is, Joonmyun doesn’t know why Krystal is in the program. She refuses to discuss her condition and remains silent throughout their group therapy. Sunyoung’s condition is obvious, the girl is nothing but skin and bones. She has a problem Joonmyun has never heard of, the American doctor calls it anorexia nervosa. Self-starvation. Joonmyun didn’t know people could starve themselves the way Sunyoung has. He thinks she’ll blow away with the breeze if he doesn’t keep an eye on her. That’s dangerous. Joonmyun can’t be too worried about her; he’ll forget to worry about himself. She’s so pathetic she reminds him of Jongin and that is a very, very bad thing.

“What do you have first?” Sunyoung asks, peering at Joonmyun’s schedule. “I hope we have classes together.”

“I have, how do you say this, chemistry?”

Sunyoung pouts. “I have English.”

“We’ll have other classes together.” Joonmyun says.

Sunyoung nods, bleached hair bouncing around her shoulders. “We should go.”

Joonmyun struggles through his classes, straining his brain to translate what his teacher says. He copies down the formulas she writes and fights the migraine creeping in. He repeats this routine class after class until he finally, finally, reaches lunch. He sags into a chair beside Sunyoung who looks tense.

“How was your morning?” he asks, picking listlessly at his food.

Sunyoung groans in reply. Joonmyun pauses to look at her. The girl is shaking in her chair, eyes darting around the room like she’s waiting for something to jump out and attack her. Her face is blanched and a think sheen of sweat covers her face. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Sunyoung squeaks. “I don’t like being around all this food.”

Oh, oh. “Do you want me to do something? Is there anything I can do?” Joonmyun asks.

“I don’t think so. It’s only thirty minutes. I can endure for thirty minutes.” Sunyoung shivers.

Joonmyun nods, feeling unconvinced. He watches her practically twitch in her seat the entire lunch period. When the end of lunch bell rings, she nearly runs out of the cafeteria. He clears away his trash before dragging his feet to his next class. Thankfully, the end of the day comes quickly and he finds himself squashed between Krystal and Sunyoung on the train headed home. Blissfully, they’re ignoring one another and Joonmyun can finally think without them screaming in his ears.

Joonmyun sits down heavily on his bed. He spent all of August and all of September thus far wondering if he was doing the right thing. There was always the option to back out, they had been told. Joonmyun doesn’t think he could do it and go home with his head held up. He promised to go home healthy and sane, he couldn’t go home and not be that. Without even knowing it, he placed another expectation on his shoulders. He sighs. It’s another expectation he’s bound to fall short of.

He wonders how his friends are doing in Seoul. He can guess: Minseok and Luhan are playing soccer, Jongdae and Baekhyun are being annoyingly cute, Sehun and Yixing are handling dance team affairs, Zitao is eating his candy cigarettes, Chanyeol is video-chatting with Kyungsoo, and Wufan…

Joonmyun’s door bangs open. “Shit, can’t you knock?” he hisses.

Donghae ignores that. “You know where Krystal is?”

“Try her room.” Joonmyun says dryly.

“I already looked there,  _ princess _ .” Donghae sneers. “Sunyoung doesn’t know where she is either.”

Joonmyun rolls his eyes. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been sitting here since we got home. I didn’t notice her going anywhere.”

Donghae slams his door closed and Joonmyun sighs heavily. Joonmyun does not like Donghae and his snobbish attempts at being some sort of den-father since, as he loftily proclaimed their first day, “I  _ am _ the oldest.” Joonmyun also does not like his poorly veiled quips about his sexual orientation, which Krystal pointed out and Big Brother Donghae felt the need to ridicule their first week. Joonmyun tries to liken it to kindergarten hair pulling and tells himself not to stoop so low to call Donghae a drug addict to his face. Behind closed doors and in his head are totally different stories.

Joonmyun hops off his bed. He actually does know where Krystal probably went. He puts on his shoes and takes the stairs to the roof. Krystal is leaning against the brick ledge, smoking a cigarette. Their dorm is supposed to be smoke free but Krystal get around it by smoking on the rooftop.

“Donghae’s looking for you.” Joonmyun says as he joins Krystal.

“I hope he gets hit by a bus,” Krystal says mildly, puffing out a cloud of smoke.

“You’re not the only one.” Joonmyun sighs.

“I didn’t actually think you were gay, you know. It was a joke, but you got so flustered I obviously was right. I kind of feel bad Donghae’s a dick about it.” Krystal flicks some ashes into the wind.

“Guess that’s the best I’ll get out of you,” Joonmyun shrugs. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?” she asks.

“Yes, but we broke up.”

“That’s too bad. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Krystal puffs on her cigarette. “I’m too good for the guys who ask me out.”

“You’re being oddly talkative. You’re silent in therapy.”

“They only want us to talk about our issues in therapy. Not having a boyfriend is not an issue.” Krystal grinds out her cigarette before tossing the butt off the side of the building. “I don’t think I can talk about my issues yet. I’ll just listen to you and Sunyoung.”

“You don’t give the impression that you care about our issues.”

“I’m not used to having to deal with other people and their shit, you know? I’m a bit of a loner and now I have to live with three other fucked up people and that’s a weird transition. Sunyoung is too hard for me to understand. She’s pretty.”

“You’re pretty too.” Joonmyun says blandly.

“Not inside. Sunyoung has a pretty personality; I don’t. She’s too nice.”

“Is that why you’re mean to her? Tough love?”

“You could say that. It’s aggravating. She’s aggravating.” Krystal sighs. “You’re easier to understand. I get you, the messed up family, I get it.”

“Is that part of your issue?” Joonmyun asks.

Krystal makes a neutral noise. “Something like that.”

They walk back down the stairs and go back to the dorm. Donghae is huffing irritably when Krystal enters. “Where were you?”

“Shooting up heroin.” Krystal barks. “Mind your own business.”

Donghae’s face turns red as his jaw flops open. He’s grappling for something to say but Krystal brushes past him. Joonmyun goes back to his room and closes the door. He pulls out a piece of paper. The therapist recommended writing down their thoughts so that when they returned home they could share their thoughts and feeling during the process. She also said that writing letters to someone back home could be therapeutic. So Joonmyun bites his lip and starts writing.

 

_ Dear Wufan, _

_ It’s odd… my first week here I wanted to go home. I thought I’d made the wrong choice and wanted so desperately to just throw in the towel and go home. I’m glad I didn’t. I still miss home, but I’ve endured homesickness before, this isn’t different. _

_ I live with three other people here. Donghae is older, and I don’t like him. I don’t know what else to say about him since I avoid him. Krystal is weird. She’s really cold and mean sometimes, but other times she’s really clairvoyant and understanding. I like her, I guess. I like her more than Donghae anyway. Sunyoung scares me. She reminds me of Jongin, and I want to ignore myself and protect her but I can’t. She is so nice, and I feel bad about being uneasy around her but she reminds me too much of Jongin. _

_ Is Seoul strange these days? There are three fewer of us now… _

_ I don’t know what else to write now, but I’ll write again soon. I promise. _

_ Joonmyun _


	42. Autumn - Seoul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 6 April 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMQpyuATqmM) **Lorde** \- _Team_ | “ _Dancing around the lies we tell, dancing around big eyes as well. Even the comatose, they don’t dance and tell_.”

 

 

Jongin’s parents move out of the neighborhood in the second week of October.

It’s almost unheard of, being able to plan something as big as a move without the rest of their tightknit community catching on. When the moving trucks roll up to the curb, everyone is surprised but sympathetic. The Kims’ only son hung himself in the basement. Their forwarding address is left on the community bulletin board. Now there’s another empty house on their block. The “For Sale” sign disappears from the Do family’s former house; it’s finally been sold. Another round of moving trucks rolls in with a new family.

Kris’s mom is home. She’s cashed in some vacation days and assures Kris she will be home for at least two months before having to go back to work (and back to China). His father is in and out, he barely bothers to unpack his suitcases but at least he comes home. Kris is thankful, but he still wishes he didn’t have to be glad his parents were home for more than a couple days at a time.

School feels somber. The grief counsellors are still there, but fewer kids are visiting them. In June they were always busy. Kids who knew Jongin were always there, and even those who didn’t know him were there. Suicides aren’t all that uncommon in Seoul, but Kris supposes when it’s someone who you knew it suddenly becomes something monumental. Joonmyun’s absence adds to the dark atmosphere.

“I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.” Luhan says with a shiver.

Kris nods in agreement. The nine of them – wow, are they really down to nine? Kris wonders – seem to have reached a peace agreement. There’s only so much more the group can splinter and, as Chanyeol says, they should preserve what’s left of it. This, however, doesn’t mean any of them are personally at peace.

Sehun seems to have taken Jongin’s death the hardest.

 

Luhan frets over him, because Sehun is not being himself. While stoicism is typical, anger is more atypical and lately Sehun seems to be angry all the time. The scowl that graces his face seems permanent and doesn’t even waver in Luhan’s presence. Luhan flutters about his boyfriend anxiously, unsure of what to do.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Yixing attempts.

“No. I hate it.”

Yixing watches Sehun’s scowling reflection. Jongin’s dance trophies are displayed in a glass case outside the dance team’s practice room. He asked for them to be returned to the school and to be displayed. The school accommodated his wish and the case was installed in late August.

“But they made it look so nice…” Yixing says softly.

“That’s not why I hate it. I hate that it’s here. It shouldn’t be here!” Sehun growls. “He shouldn’t be dead and this shouldn’t be here.”

“Sehun, Jongin’s in a better place now.”

“I know that. But I am so fucking mad at him. How could he do that?” Sehun scratches the back of his neck irritably. “We were friends. I  _ thought _ we were friends. He didn’t feel the need to fucking make peace with me. I was the one he came to when his dad tried to make him stop going to dance class. It was me. It was my dad that told his dad that Americans consider dance a sport. I was his friend. And he didn’t say one word to me.”

Yixing stares at his feet.

“It’s just not fair.” Sehun mutters.

 

“Do you know why Baekhyun is avoiding me?”

“Maybe it’s because your breath smells. Lay off the bean paste, man.”

“Minseok, I’m being serious right now. He has ignored every single one of my calls and texts this entire week. He walks away when I try going to him. And what’s worse is that when I do see him he is glued to Park Chanyeol.” Jongdae groans. “And does my breath really smell that bad?”

Minseok frowns. “He’s been avoiding you? Aren’t you normally attached to one another?”

Jongdae’s face drains of all color. “Oh my god. I know why he’s ignoring me.”

“Why’s that?”

Jongdae waves Minseok closer and whispers: “We had sex.”

Minseok forces himself not to gag as he asks, “Why would that make him avoid you?”

Jongdae voice slowly starts raising as he becomes more panicked. “I might have accidentally let slip that his dick kind of smelled… and that it tasted gross.”

Minseok groans. “Jong. Really?”

“It’s not my fault giving head is a lot less glamorous than it seems! So maybe he’s really offended and he doesn’t want to talk to me or maybe he thinks I sucked at being a top and he’s embarrassed to have a boyfriend who sucks in bed or maybe he fell out of love with me because I didn’t use enough lube or…”

“Jongdae!”

“No seriously I had to cover his mouth because I accidentally hurt him and he was  _ screaming _ and you know my crazy  _ ahjusshi _ neighbor he would’ve loved to barge up into my house to see who was getting murdered only to find me with my dick rammed up Baekhyun’s butthole you know that crazy ass guy like worships Mrs. Byun and she’s a lawyer and she’d probably have me shipped to a North Korean coal mine for touching her son and…”

“Jongdae! Stop talking and breathe!” Minseok groans. “I highly doubt that has anything to do with Baekhyun ignoring you. Have you tried asking Baekhyun what’s going on?”

“I told you. He’s been treating me like I’m diseased.”

Minseok sighs. “Have you tried asking  _ Chanyeol _ ?”

“Oh.  _ Oh _ .”

 

“Tao, do you believe in ghosts?”

“Yes.” Zitao shudders. “Let’s not talk about them. They scare the crap out of me.”

“I think I should tell all those cute underclassmen girls that the hot senior in the  _ wushu _ club is afraid of cockroaches and ghosts.” Luhan muses playfully.

“Don’t you dare.”

Luhan grins before getting back to his point. “Do you think you can talk to people after they die?”

“Yes. My mother says she talks to my grandfather all the time and he’s been dead for years. My dad says it makes her feel close to home or something. I’m just afraid his ghost is haunting our house.”

“Do you think I should try to get Sehun to talk to Jongin’s ghost?”

“Jongin has a ghost?”

“Not that I know of, but Sehunnie has been so wound up and angry lately. He feels like he never got the chance to get a lot of things off his chest. I wonder if talking to Jongin’s memory might help him.” Luhan sighs heavily. “Sehun hasn’t been himself lately.”

“It might help him out. It’s sad to see him like that.”

Luhan nods. “I can’t believe Jongin’s parents though… I understand wanting to move away from the house, but Jongin’s grave is here. Even his grave was left alone.”

Zitao nods sadly. “Not all people are meant to be parents. Not all parents can handle their children’s actions.”

“How are you feeling?”

“About Jongin? Conflicted.”

“How so?”

“The day he did it I ran into him in the bathroom. I talked to him a little, told him that there were people who’d listen to him and Joonmyun. He told me there was a lot to say, but I brushed him off so he left without saying anything. I’m just wondering if he would’ve said anything if I said I’d listen. I feel bad about it. But then I think, he had made up his mind. Even talking to me wouldn’t have changed anything.” Zitao replies, cracking his knuckles.

“It’s not good to carry those kinds of regrets around. It’ll drive you crazy.”

“I know. I’m working through it.”

 

“I need to talk to you.”

“Go ahead.”

Jongdae’s eyes flicker to Kris. “Alone.”

No one moves.

Jongdae tries again. “I need to have a private conversation with you, Chanyeol.”

Kris doesn’t move a millimeter.

Chanyeol’s brow crinkles.

Jongdae’s blood pressure is slowly rising.

“Alone.” He repeats, staring blatantly at Kris, who still doesn’t budge.

“Is this about Baekhyun?” Chanyeol asks.

“Yes. And I would like to have this conversation with you  _ in private _ .”

Chanyeol frowns. “Wufan can stay here.”

Jongdae wants to drown himself in a vat of boiling oil. “I know Baekhyun told you something that should not be publicized to other people and so I would rather not have other people hear it.”

“Oh  _ that _ .” Chanyeol blushes slightly. “It’s fine. He’s not being distant because of that.”

Jongdae heaves a sigh of relief. “Then why is he ignoring me?”

“He said he was confused about a lot of things and that he wanted to sort them out alone.”

That does not compute. “But I’m his boyfriend! He knows he can come to me and talk with me…”

“Sometimes you need to sort certain things out on your own.” Kris offers.

Jongdae frowns. He was going to have to corner Baekhyun for some answers.

 

“Lulu, where are we going?”

“You’ll see, Sehunnie.”

“Luhan, where are you taking me?”

“Be patient, babe.”

Sehun follows Luhan, becoming tenser by the second. He knows this path, and in the back of his mind he knows what Luhan is planning, but he follows along silently. He trusts Luhan.

The cemetery is quiet. Luhan stops in front of Jongin’s grave. Sehun sighs. He saw this coming. Luhan turns to him and gives his hand a squeeze.

“Why’d you bring me here, Lulu?” Sehun asks.

“You’ve been so different lately. I know you’re angry. I thought maybe if you talked out all of your feelings that it would help.” Luhan squeezes Sehun’s hands again. “I missed  _ Chuseok _ by a few weeks, but it’s still autumn.”

“What’s the point of talking?” Sehun grouches. “It’s not like he’ll hear me.”

Luhan shrugs gently. “Maybe not, but I think you should try it.” Luhan nudges Sehun closer to the grave. “I can go if you want me to.”

“No,” Sehun mumbles gruffly. “You can stay.”

Luhan sits down in the soft grass and rests his chin on his knees. Sehun glowers at the tombstone.

“I’m really mad at you.” Sehun says finally. “We used to be friends. I thought we still were sort of. I should’ve argued with you about quitting dance club, but I let you go because you did it to look after Joonmyun. I hoped you’d join again this year and we’d finish high school like we started it. You’re such an asshole. I can’t stand it. Why would you do this to yourself? You used to talk to me. Don’t you remember when you’re dad tried to make you quit dance class? You came to me and we talked about it. My dad told your dad that lots of places call dancing a sport. And that old bastard let you keep going to class because of it. God fucking dammit, Jongin, why didn’t you even talk to me? I don’t have any closure, you dick. I don’t have closure at all! I don’t sleep because of your stupid ass. I’m so mad at you. I’m mad all the time. It didn’t have to be this way. Fuck, we could’ve talked about this.”

Sehun crumples and Luhan jumps to his side. Sehun clings to him, sobbing loudly into Luhan’s chest. “It’s not fair. I hate it so much. Why is he gone? Lu, why is he gone?” Sehun buries himself in Luhan’s arms. “He was my best friend,” he groans. “I could’ve done something. Why didn’t he talk to me?”

Luhan cards his fingers through Sehun’s wispy hair. “He made this choice on his own. He’s in a better place; he’s at peace. I don’t think he’d want you to be angry or sad.”

Sehun nods as he wipes his nose. “Thank you, Luhan, for bringing me here.”

Luhan kisses his forehead tenderly. “I like my happy Se-baby.”

Sehun smiles. He glances back at the tombstone. “Hey, this conversation isn’t over. I’ll come back and see you soon, okay?”

 

“Baekhyun!”

Baekhyun makes a very valiant attempt to ignore Jongdae, but Jongdae manhandles him into the sporting supply closet and slams the door shut.

“You are not going to avoid me. We need to talk and you are not going to run away.” Jongdae announces as he locks the door.

Baekhyun exhales irritably. “Jongdae, seriously, this is totally unnecessary…”

“Why the hell have you been avoiding me? That’s very rude, you know.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“So what do you call ignoring texts and calls and literally running away from me?”

“I need some time to myself. Is that so awful?”

“It is when you just cut me off without any warning and right after we have sex.”

“Is that what this is about?”

“Is it?” Jongdae demands. “Did I do something to make you totally ignore me?”

“It’s not like that. It’s nothing.”

“It has to be something. Think about it, Baek, we usually spend so much time together and you’ve been acting like I don’t exist. What happened? What’s wrong?”

“Dae, can’t you just believe me when I tell you that it’s nothing?”

“Chanyeol said you were confused about a lot of things. What kinds of things? Why can’t I help you? Why won’t you talk to me? Did I do something?”

“Holy shit, Jongdae, it’s  _ nothing _ . Would you get off my case?”

Jongdae bites his lip. Usually when he and Baekhyun argue, they make up quickly, but they’ve never argued like this before. It worries Jongdae.

“Will you please just talk to me?” Jongdae asks quietly. “I’m confused, okay? It doesn’t make sense to me. I… I just want to know what’s going on.”

“It’s nothing, Dae. It’s really nothing.”

“If it was nothing you’d let me do something. Or talk to me. Okay, if you don’t want to talk about it with me, that’s fine. But can you please just reassure me that it’s not my fault or tell me if it is so I can fix it? I just don’t like being in the dark like this.”

“Jongdae.”

“Baekhyun. I love you, okay? I love you and I just want to know what’s bothering you. I’m not trying to pry or get too involved with anything personal, I just want to understand you. What are you confused about?”

“I’m confused about everything, okay?” Baekhyun finally barks. “Everything is confusing and I don’t want you to get involved because you’ll confuse me even more. That’s what’s wrong.”

Jongdae winces. “You’re confused about us?”

“I think that falls within the umbrella of  _ everything _ , Jongdae.”

“Why are you confused about us?” Something is starting to hurt inside of Jongdae.

Baekhyun groans. “We’re seniors, Jongdae. My mind is full of stuff that I need to do that I haven’t done. I have no idea what I want to do with my future. Mom wants me to follow her path and become a lawyer but I don’t want that. My dad thinks I could be a singer but that field is so supersaturated and competitive I don’t think I could do it. I don’t know what I want out of my life, Jongdae.”

“Do you not want me in your life?” Jongdae chokes out.

“That’s not what I mean.” Baekhyun snaps.

“Are you sure?” Jongdae’s voice wobbles, but he’s determined not to cry in front of Baekhyun. “Because that’s not the impression I’m getting.”

“Jongdae.”

“If you don’t want me anymore just say it to my face, Baekhyun. Don’t do this to me. It hurts, okay?” Jongdae turns his face away. “I’ll leave you to figure out your problems on your own.”

“I told you that’s not what I meant, Jongdae.” Baekhyun sighs.

Jongdae unlocks the closet door and walks out quickly, leaving Baekhyun by himself.


	43. Winter - New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 25 April 2014
> 
> Cw: eating disorder, discussions of suicide, death, and self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghICzY5V5vE) **Lorde** \- _Ribs_ | “ _This dream isn’t feeling sweet, we’re reeling through the midnight streets, and I’ve never felt more alone, it feels so scary getting old_.”

 

 

They’re in the heart of New York City, at the huge Christmas tree, staring up at the shining lights.

Joonmyun exhales and watches the white mist puffing out around his lips. Blurs of languages pass through his ears, his eyes are drowned in color. He feels fake, like a plastic doll taken out of its wrappings and propped up in front of a moving scene. He doesn’t belong here, he’s drowning among these happy people, and he can feel it in his bones.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Sunyoung asks him.

“It is.” Joonmyun replies soullessly.

Sunyoung smiles softly. “I understand. I’m not feeling touched either.” She sticks her hands in her coat pockets. “I guess when there’s a lot of ugliness in your life it gets harder and harder to like things that are beautiful. I don’t appreciate it anymore.”Joonmyun nods along. Sunyoung looks cold. He pulls off his scarf and wraps it around her shoulders. She smiles her thanks.

“I used to sing.” Sunyoung continues. “I sang in my church choir and I sang in my school choir. I did musicals. I liked being the star. Attention is fun.”

“I sang a little. I don’t anymore.” Joonmyun comments.

“Neither do I. I can’t take all those eyes anymore. One of my  _ sunbaes _ said to me, ‘Sunyoung, if you really want to succeed you can’t be that pudgy. How many fat idols do you see? Zero women for sure, and anyone who toes the line gets ridiculed. It’s better that I tell you now, Sunyoung.’”

“That’s dumb.” Joonmyun huffs.

“But I believed her so I quit eating. And now look where I am.” Sunyoung wipes at her eyes. Joonmyun wishes he had tissues. “She was so pretty. I liked her a lot. I called her  _ unnie _ and she petted me like I was special.” Sunyoung bursts into aggravated tears. “She is such a bitch! She ruined my life! I hate her!”

Joonmyun wraps Sunyoung up in his arms. His stomach is screaming not too. She feels like Jongin and that is so dangerous. But he can’t help it. It’s freezing cold and they’re two grey lumps in a sea of color. She screams into his chest and swats her bony fists at his shoulders. She’s so tiny. Diminutive and delicate. She’ll break if he holds on too tightly.

Joonmyun maneuvers them to a bench and they sit, Sunyoung resting her head on Joonmyun’s shoulder, taking shallow breaths. “Do you think we’re going to be okay?” she asks him in a small voice.

“One day,” Joonmyun returns.

“I gained a little weight. My nutritionist was happy.” Sunyoung adds.

“That’s really good.”

Joonmyun wonders about his own progress. He, like Krystal, hasn’t honestly delved into the real root of his depression. He still hasn’t talked about Jongin. Still hasn’t mentioned that Jongin’s lifeless body keeps showing up in his dreams and shadows of Jongin keep lurking around corners. Sure, he hasn’t cut himself in a few months, but the sadness still lingers in his pores. His tongue is still frozen. He still can’t imagine himself going home  _ better _ and being able to open up to his friends. He is still shattered and in pieces.

Sunyoung looks up at him with melancholy eyes. “Want to go?”

Joonmyun nods and they begin the slow trudge back to the subway station.

 

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”

Krystal is perched on the fire escape, cigarette dangling between glossed lips.

“That’s always good.” Joonmyun traces his name in the snow gathered on the banister.

“I’ve been thinking I should tell you about one of my issues.”

“Really?”

“But I’ve also been thinking if I do we should trade. One issue for another. I can tell from the way you talk; you’re still hiding something.”

“Can I take a rain check on telling you? You know, in the event I’m still not ready.”

Krystal nods. She drops her cigarette off the side of the building. As it drops, she says steadily, “My twin sister threw herself off the roof of our apartment complex. She had gone home early from school, said she had a bad headache. I come home and there are police everywhere. My mom is screaming bloody murder. I push through the crowd and I see Sooyeon on the pavement. Her head isn’t really there; it’s just a big bloody mess. I fainted right there. I hit my head so hard. I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital until five days later. My sister didn’t leave notes. I never said goodbye and to this day I don’t know what made her jump.”

Joonmyun can barely breathe. The fire escape is too cold and snow is collecting in his hair. His heart is lodged somewhere in his throat, beating violently against it.

“I made everyone stop calling me Soojung after that. You know how people are with siblings: ‘let’s be cute and give you the same syllable in your name!’ Being called Soojung reminds me that I had a sister.”

Krystal leans over the banister, red hair fanning out in the cold breeze. “Sometimes I’ll go on the roof here, get on the ledge and look down, just to try getting in her head.” She looks down. Joonmyun shivers. “I still don’t get it.”

“My best friend hung himself.” Joonmyun croaks.

“Do you know why?”

“Yes, but I didn’t see it coming and it still hurts.”

Krystal nods. “After Sooyeon died, after I woke up in the hospital, clueless, I just got really angry. We were twins. Identical twins. It’s like I’ve lost half of my being. She was the older twin too, she was six minutes older but acted more like she was six years older. I depended on her a lot. She was my big sister.” Krystal pulls out another cigarette and lights it. “If anyone called me Soojung, or mentioned Sooyeon, I’d hit them. I couldn’t take it. People acted like they knew what happened but they didn’t. I don’t even know what happened.”

Joonmyun nods quietly. “I know why he killed himself. I know it’s because he thought he’d run out of options and his guilt and anger and depression had just consumed him. But it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts. Sometimes I look around corners and he’s there, watching me. He was the one who told me about this program. I’m doing this for him.”

Krystal blows smoke into the air. There’s snow in her hair. “I’ve never told anyone about Sooyeon before.”

“I’ve never told anyone else about him.”

They sit there in snow and silence, a mutual understanding beginning to bloom between them.

 

School is still difficult. Joonmyun manages to pass everything, and he even excels at his advanced math and science courses. Kids try to copy his answers, but Krystal always manages to swoop in and tell the other kids to fuck off. Each time, she ponders teaching Joonmyun how to swear in English, but usually decides against it.

“You’re so naïve and little. You’ll probably forget they’re bad words and you’ll curse at a teacher by accident.” Krystal teases.

Joonmyun is horrified at that. “I would never.”

Krystal shrugs delicately. “ _ Sangchu _ still goes into hiding at lunch?”

“ _ Sunyoung _ is still uncomfortable here. Please stop calling her ‘lettuce.’”

“Force of habit.” Krystal picks at something under her nails. “Do you know where she goes?”

“Nope.”

Krystal moves on. “I got invited to a New Year’s party.”

“Okay.”

“I’m asking you to go with me, dork.”

“What?”

Krystal rolls her eyes. “You’re Asian. Aren’t you supposed to be smart?”

“You’re Asian too!” Joonmyun huffs.

“Listen,  _ Francis _ , I got invited to a New Year’s party. Let’s go and get drunk or something. It’s boring to always stay home.”

“Krystal, I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

“Fine, you be a good boy and drink ginger ale while  _ I _ get drunk.” Krystal stares at Joonmyun. “Don’t you get bored staring at your wall all day? I’m ready to burst.”

“I’m a quieter person, I think.” Joonmyun shrugs. “I don’t need any excitement.”

Krystal pops a piece of bubble gum in her mouth. “How boring,” she chides while chewing. She blows a bright pink bubble and pops it noisily. “You need to have more fun or else you’ll become as bland as those horrible sweaters you insist on wearing.”

“I happen to like my sweaters.” Joonmyun says with a slight scowl.

Krystal blows another bubble. “It’s a wonder anyone was ever attracted to them.”

Joonmyun winces. Krystal’s comments aren’t meant to be dipped in poison since she doesn’t even know Dongjun’s name, but they come out lethal anyway. She seems to notice his suddenly cloudy expression and asks, “Was it an ugly breakup?”

“I guess you could say that,” Joonmyun says moodily.

“Sorry.” Krystal pops another bubble loudly. Every time someone looks over to Krystal, to disparage her gum-popping, she shoots him or her a searing glare in return.

“You’re not supposed to chew gum in school.” Joonmyun drawls.

Krystal pulls the wet wad of gum out of her mouth and squishes it under the lunch table.

Joonmyun stares with distaste. “That’s gross.”

Krystal sighs. “So are you going to go with me or not?”

“Sure. Why not?”

 

The last time Joonmyun was this drunk he thought Wufan was Dongjun and became a snotty, teary mess pining over his now ex-boyfriend.

This time he’s resting his head on Krystal’s shoulder, unable to hear his own thoughts over the throbbing of sex-laden, bass-heavy music. Krystal keeps tapping her nails against a soda can and tapping her foot against the glass top of the coffee table.

“Thought you were gonna get drunk, not me.” Joonmyun slurs.

“I got my period yesterday,” Krystal replies. “I’m not in the mood.”

Joonmyun nods slowly. Colors swim in his vision and his head is starting to really hurt.

“Want to leave?” Krystal asks him.

Joonmyun nods and staggers to his feet. Krystal helps support him as they walk back to the bus stop. It’s New Year’s Eve and the streets are surprisingly quiet. He guesses everyone else is at home waiting for the ball drop or down in Times Square. The cold numbs Joonymun’s face. He can’t remember his last New Year’s. How did he spend it? He had just broken up with Dongjun. He had probably spent it with Jongin, shaking and cutting himself in the semi-darkness of a basement that now haunts his nights. Joonmyun doesn’t know if spending New Year’s drunk with a cranky Krystal is an improvement or not. When the bus finally rolls up, it’s empty save for one drunk muttering to himself at the back of the bus. He and Krystal sit down together. Joonmyun drops his head against her shoulder sleepily. Krystal chews noisily on a piece of bubble gum.

They depart from the bus and walk the few blocks back to their dorm. Sunyoung is lounging on the sofa in her pajamas, holding a can of Diet Coke. The ball drop is playing on TV. She looks up at their entrance, surprised.

“I thought you’d be out all night.”

“Francis here got drunk so we had to go home.” Krystal explains.

“It’s not like I threw up.” Joonmyun mumbles defensively as he plops down on the couch beside Sunyoung. “I was just tired.” He rests his head against her bony shoulder.

“Where’s Donghae?” Krystal asks, looking around.

“He went out a few hours ago. It sounded like he was going to a party.” Sunyoung replies taking a sip of her Diet Coke.

Krystal clicks her tongue disapprovingly. “What a bad boy.”

The three of them sit on the couch, watching the New Year’s Eve programming. Joonmyun feels as if he should call home and tell his mom “Happy New Year,” but he isn’t allowed to. Anyway, he’s drunk and definitely not happy. Joonmyun falls asleep somewhere between eleven and midnight and doesn’t watch the New Year being rung in.

 

It’s Valentine’s Day before Joonmyun realizes it.

The homesickness has pretty much waned. He’s settled into routines of avoiding Donghae and splitting his time between Krystal and Sunyoung, because they still can’t interact peacefully for long periods of time. He breezes through his classes. His English has improved enough that he doesn’t need Krystal to beat away lazy kids trying to copy his homework. He can keep up with conversations. Not many people bother talking to him anyway. Krystal tells him bluntly that he still looks like a zombie.

“You look like you’ve lived ten thousand lifetimes in hell.” She says.

“Wow, that was such a sweet compliment.” Joonmyun snorts.

“Your eyes are intimidating. I’m afraid if I look too close I’ll see hell or something.”

“I  _ have _ seen hell.” Joonmyun says dully. Hell is blood on a concrete floor and glassy eyes staring at him pitifully. Hell is a white hospital room and the bricks in his stomach and the knowing that his compatriot in pain is gone forever. Hell is the taste of fear, hot and metallic in his mouth. Hell is looking into Wufan’s eyes and not being able to let him know that Joonmyun knows Wufan cares. Hell is New York City on Valentine’s Day not knowing if he’s any closer to being okay.

“You’ll never get a Valentine’s date with that kind of attitude.” Krystal sing-songs.

“I don’t want one anyway.” Joonmyun quips. “Getting too attached to people hurts. I have a friend back home, he says it’s worth it. Loving people is worth all of the pain. Sometimes I question his sanity. It never seems like it’s worth it.”

“You have the wrong attitude.” Krystal says lightly. “Why are you here if you don’t think it’s worth it? You said your dead friend found out about this program for you, and that you’re here because he wanted you to be. You said you were doing this for him.” She brushes hair out of her face. “The hospital recommended this program to my parents on the basis that they knew I needed to get out of Korea. I didn’t want any program, I didn’t care that they were going to put me in up in New York City with three other basket cases. I just wanted to sit in my room by myself contemplating suicide and being pissed at the world. This was your choice. Don’t fucking back out of it now.”

“I’m trying not to.” Joonmyun says weakly. “I just feel like nothing will change.”

“It won’t unless you try.” Krystal shrugs. “Succeed or die trying. There’s no other option.”

 

_ Dear Wufan, _

_ How are things in Seoul? The majority of my homesickness has passed, but sometimes I still want to go home. _

_ How is everyone else? I miss you all. Sometimes when we sit in group I wonder if I can ever open up to all of you. It scares me, the thought of going home. I’ve been here for almost seven months now, and nothing seems to be changing. At least I don’t seem to be changing. I see Sunyoung trying so hard to get better and I’m envious. I wish I could just devote myself to recovery, but I’m too scared. I stay up nights, wide awake, terrified that this was a mistake. _

_ When I do sleep, I sometimes see Jongin in my dreams. Do you go visit his grave? I feel bad because I wasn’t home for  _ Chuseok _. I would’ve gone to pour  _ soju _ on his grave. I still can’t talk about him. I can barely say his name out loud. Is he disappointed in me, Wufan? I want him to be able to rest peacefully. _

_ I’m tired now, Wufan. I’m going to go to bed and try to sleep. I’ll write again soon. _

_ Joonmyun _


	44. Winter - Seoul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 12 May 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvHN7VijKcw) **Florence + The Machine** \- _Shake It Out_ | “ _And I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I’m going to cut it out and then restart_.”

 

 

“I need to tell you something.” Chanyeol whispers.

“Sure. Go ahead.”

Chanyeol turns to look at him. His face is riddled with anxiety. “I’m in love with Kyungsoo.”

“Um, congratulations?” Wufan isn’t quite sure to make of that.

Chanyeol makes another torn expression. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, does Kyungsoo know?”

“No. I’m afraid to tell him.”

“Why are you afraid to tell him? Love is a great thing.”

“I just don’t want to freak him out. That’s the last thing I want to do. Think about it, he was sexually assaulted and the person who did that to him killed himself. He was so afraid of Jongin, but he was still worried about him. He was such a mess when they found Jongin. Telling Kyungsoo that I love him… I just don’t want to freak him out more.”

Wufan nods slowly. “That makes sense.”

“The last thing I want to do is upset him.” Chanyeol sighs. “Joonmyun gave me that letter Jongin left to Kyungsoo, just in case Kyungsoo was ready to read it before he came back.”

“Oh, did you read it?”

“No, but I’ve been tempted to.” Chanyeol looks at Wufan. “I just wonder what he wrote and all, considering the last conversation I had with him, he told me he had nothing left to say to Kyungsoo.”

Wufan chews on this information. “Maybe he changed his mind, you know, since he was going to… Maybe he decided to leave Kyungsoo a letter because you had made him aware of Kyungsoo’s concern.”

“I looked at the envelope. Kyungsoo tried opening it before. There are rips in places, but it hasn’t been opened all the way. It’s like he intended to but lost his nerve.”

“Maybe he did. It can’t possibly be easy to do.”

“You’re right.” Chanyeol frowns deeply. “I’m at a loss. I want to tell him, but I’m scared to. I don’t want to lose Kyungsoo as a friend.”

Wufan nods. “Well, just follow your gut. You and he are really good friends. I think you’ll know what to do. Trust yourself.”

Chanyeol gives his hand a squeeze. “Thanks, Wufan.”

 

Comforting a wailing Jongdae was probably one of those clauses no one reads while signing the best friend contract, Minseok thinks.

“I feel so gross!” Jongdae wails, blowing his nose into yet another tissue. “I feel like a nasty used up tampon on a cold bathroom floor.”

Minseok grimaces. “That’s explicit.” He pats Jongdae’s back soothingly. “I’m going to rip Baekhyun’s balls off, don’t worry.

“It’s just not fair.” Jongdae whimpers. “I slept with him. I gave up my virginity to him and he dumps me like a hot potato because he’s confused. What kind of bullshit is that?”

Minseok rubs Jongdae’s side. “He’s being an idiot. I’m going to go smack him around.”

“I really thought he was the one, you know? I didn’t think it’d happen, especially since I started dating Baekhyun not knowing if I really liked guys. But I do like guys. I like Baekhyun. How can he do this to me?” Jongdae whimpers as he wipes his nose. “I feel so used up and disgusting.”

Minseok pats Jongdae’s side. “I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry.”

 

“Taking care of it” entails stalking Baekhyun into the deserted music room, grabbing him by the collar, and slamming him against the chalkboard. Baekhyun squeals in terror and looks ready to shit his pants from fear. Minseok is satisfied by that.

“What the fuck is going on with you and Jongdae?”

Baekhyun’s startled eyes transition to anger. “What the hell? Minseok, it’s not your business.”

“You bet your balls it’s my business. It’s my business because Jongdae is my best friend and he’s spent the past two days in my house crying about what a dick you are. So yeah, it’s my fucking business. You are  _ not _ allowed to upset him like that.” Minseok snarls.

Baekhyun balks slightly. “He’s been crying?”

“Yeah, asshat, he’s been crying. Mind telling me why?”

Baekhyun’s stoic face returns. “It’s not your business.”

Minseok shakes him roughly. “You can make this easy, or you can make this really, really difficult. Just bear in mind my other best friend is Zitao and he’s pretty done with your bullshit too.”

Baekhyun gulps, but the look on his face doesn’t waver. “It’s really complicated.”

“I’ve got all day.”

“Minseok, I…”

Minseok shakes Baekhyun by the collar. “Start. Talking.”

“Didn’t he tell you? I’m not going to say anything different. I’m confused about what I want out of my life and I’m trying to think about it.”

“Jongdae is under the assumption, no thanks to your lack of fucking  _ tact _ , that you are confused about the relationship and that you don’t want him anymore.” Minseok growls.

“He wouldn’t let me explain!”

“Did it ever occur to you that Jongdae is worried about you? That all he wanted was for you to just let him help? That he was just confused about your change in demeanor and wanted answers?”

“It didn’t but…”

“But nothing! You’re an idiot and you don’t deserve Jongdae. You’re careless and I don’t trust you.”

“Minseok, I swear I did not mean to upset Jongdae like this.”

“How are you going to apologize? Because if your apology doesn’t meet my standards we’re going to have a problem.”

“What exactly are your standards?” Baekhyun dares to ask.

“Oh, you know what they are. And you better not be wrong.”

Baekhyun is still shaking when Minseok slams the door to the music room shut.

 

“Minseok went all thug on Baekhyun yesterday.” Sehun tells Zitao.

“To protect Jongdae’s honor,” Luhan elaborates.

Zitao pouts. “I should’ve gone with him and brought my nunchucks.”

“Guys,” Chanyeol heaves a sigh. “Baekhyun gets the point. He knows he screwed up and he is now agonizing over how to make things right.”

There’s a slightly savage undertone when Sehun whispers, “He better be.”

 

“I wish we could hear from him.” Wufan idly taps his fingers against his desk.

Yixing shrugs. “But we can’t, so there’s no use fretting. He’s in an incredibly controlled environment. I’m pretty sure he’s fine.”

“But what if he isn’t?” Wufan dares to ask. “What if he’s alone in New York feeling like there’s no way out and he does something?” Panic crawls up his throat. “Xing, what if he doesn’t come back at all?”

Yixing puts his hand over Wufan’s. “You can’t think like that.” He says firmly. “We have no reason to believe he’s in a bad situation. All we can do is hope.”

“It’s so hard to do that. I could hope if I knew how he was doing. But I just don’t have anything to hold onto. We haven’t heard from him in months. Anything could be happening right now. What if he’s gotten worse?”

“Wufan, you just can’t think like that.” Yixing says gently. “You’ll drive yourself crazy.”

“I know, but it’s so hard. I just want to know he’s okay.” Wufan mumbles. “I feel so useless.”

“All you can do is take care of yourself.” Yixing gives his hand a reassuring squeeze. “If Joonmyun comes back home healthy and happy, then you should be able to greet him happy and healthy.”

“You’re right.” Wufan sighs deeply. “I wish the time would pass faster so he could come back. I miss him.”

“Soon,” Yixing says softly. “Time is going to pass faster than you think.”

 

“I’m going to come to Seoul in a few weeks.” Kyungsoo says. He fidgets on his side of the camera. “Before he went to New York, Joonmyun said he’d given you that letter. I think I’m ready to read it now.”

Chanyeol nods. “I have it. Are you sure about this?”

Kyungsoo nods. “Maybe knowing what he wrote to me will help me grieve and move on. I don’t want to be stuck in darkness. I want to be okay.”

Chanyeol smiles. “You’re going to be just fine.”

“I’m really so grateful to you.” Kyungsoo says softly. “I didn’t expect us to become so close, but I’m glad we did.”

Chanyeol smiles wider. “I’m glad too.”

Maybe when Kyungsoo comes to visit, Chanyeol will confess. He’ll mull that over for a little while longer.

 

“You know,” Sehun huffs. “If you weren’t here I wouldn’t have to sit out here in negative balls degrees to talk to you.” He uses his gloved had to brush snow off the top of Jongin’s tombstone. “Sorry I haven’t seen you in a while. Dance team bullshit.”

Sehun sits down, wincing at the cold snow seeping through the thin material of his pants. “You are going to owe me when I see you again. I’m sitting in snow for you.”

Sehun shifts slightly, wincing at the cold again. “It’s not the same without you. Even though we had grown so far apart I still considered you my best friend. I’m not going to let go of you not saying ‘goodbye,’ you dick. I’m glad Luhan made me come out here, that first time. It helped a lot. I’m trying not to be angry, but it’s so hard. I don’t understand you, Jongin. I wish we could’ve talked things out. You know, sometimes I say ‘He’s dead. Jongin is dead,’ to myself just to see how much impact it will have on me. Each time the impact is less and less… I don’t know if I’m okay with getting used to hearing that you’re dead. It’s not fun,” Sehun mumbles, “talking to the air. As much as I want you to, you can’t answer my questions. I don’t want to live without closure, but there’s no choice. You left and there’s only questions. I’ll never have answers and that’s so unfair.”

Sehun pushes himself to his feet and pats the tombstone again. “It’s confusing, Jongin. I wish I had you to shake you by the collar and demand answers.” He sighs deeply. “But you aren’t here. You’re not.”


	45. Spring - New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 17 May 2014
> 
> Cw: discussion of self-harm, trauma

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8GnpG_bE88) **Next to Normal** \- _Aftershocks_ | “ _The memories will wane. The aftershocks remain. You wonder which is worse: the symptoms or the cure?_ ”

 

 

March always seems to be a bad month for Joonmyun. The winter fades away to green buds pushing through brown soil, reaching skyward for the warmth of the sun. Flowers bloom between breaths. Birds chirp. Bees buzz. The world seems to collectively shake off its winter blues and run into the glory of the spring. So naturally, March makes Joonmyun anxious.

He’s no longer self-conscious about the cuts on his wrists. The scars are still there, but they’re so hard to see now. They’re fading away with the patches of ice on the cold New York City sidewalks. Joonmyun is glad, he guesses. He gets to skip his regular  _ oh-my-god-I-can’t-wear-long-sleeves-anymore _ anxious phase. That’s a plus. It’s better than last year.

The cuts on his thighs, however, seem just as ugly as they were when he made them. They’re still vivid and mocking, matching the bright red hues of newly flowered roses. Shorts are not an option, Joonmyun thinks to himself. Oh well. He’ll live.

March seems to be going swimmingly until he starts having nightmares. Nightmares are not totally uncommon. He’d been a child plagued by monsters under the bed and monsters in the closet, and later in his life, a teenager plagued by monsters in his mind. At first, the nightmares were tolerable. Joonmyun would wake up in a cold sweat, thrashing around silently, getting tangled up in his suffocating bed sheets. But it was bearable; Joonmyun could go back to sleep. They progressively get worse and worse until one night Joonmyun is completely consumed by the night terrors.

He wakes up screaming, thrashing around wildly, flailing his limbs in a mad attempt to beat away an invisible beast. “Jongin! Oh my god, Jongin! Jongin! Help me!” he screams. There are suddenly arms pinning him down and he fights harder. His eyes are still full of darkness and he screams louder. “Jongin, help me!” Oxygen is burning in his lungs. His throat is straining with each desperate cry. “ _ JONGIN _ !”

Someone slaps him hard and suddenly Joonmyun is jolted back into reality. Donghae has him pinned, a fine layer of sweat adorning his brow. Krystal and Sunyoung flank him, faces pale with worry. Joonmyun can still feel his heart racing. The room is too bright. The whiteness of the walls is no less dangerous than the blackness of his nightmare.

“What the hell, man?” Donghae huffs. “What’s going on?”

“He had a nightmare, you dumb fuck.” Krystal barks.

“Are you okay, Joonmyun?” Sunyoung squeaks.

“Yes,” Joonmyun manages breathlessly. “I’m sorry.”

Krystal frowns before departing from his room. Sunyoung follows a moment after. Donghae shifts so he’s sitting at the foot of Joonmyun’s bed.

“I’m sorry I woke you up,” Joonmyun mumbles. It’s three in the morning.

Donghae shrugs. They sit in thick silence for a beat, and then Donghae asks, “Who is Jongin?”

“What?”

“You were screaming for him. Who is he? Your boyfriend?”

Joonmyun scowls. “You can go now. I’m sorry for waking you.”

Donghae scoffs. “You’re really good at dodging questions, aren’t you?”

“It’s a learned trait.” Joonmyun spits.

Donghae snorts. “You’re a weird one.”

“Last month Krystal told me looking into my eyes was like seeing hell.” Joonmyun says monotonously. “I don’t see how you can think anything weirder about me.”

“I think we got off on the wrong foot.”

“Really? I can’t imagine  _ why _ you’d think that. It’s not as if an emotionally unstable teenager needs someone to point out my socially unacceptable sexuality and then proceed to shame me about it at every available opportunity.”

Donghae glares. “We come from very different parts of Korea, kid. When you’re from the countryside, it’s a different world.”

“I’ve been to the countryside, thank you very much. My mother is from North Jeolla.” Joonmyun can still remember his blood painting the countryside grass ugly shades of red. He can still remember agonizing weeks at his grandparents’ home, hiding outside so he didn’t have to hear his mother crying. He can still feel his fingers turning over the broken piece of wire before digging it into the tender skin of his wrist.

Donghae rolls his eyes. “But you’re a city boy. Try being a country boy. It’s a different universe, kid. There are expectations.”

“Is that why you’re here?” Joonmyun challenges. “You couldn’t handle the expectations?”

“No.” Donghae levels his chin. “I rejected the expectations put on me and got myself in a lot of trouble.”

“I know what trouble you go into, Aiden Lee.” Joonmyun says each word bluntly. “Drinking. Drugs. Girls. Too much of all of them.”

Donghae smirks at his English name. “And what about you, Francis Kim? There’s more to you than cutting and daddy issues. Who’s Jongin? What’s his part?”

“Jongin,” Joonmyun’s voice cracks around the name, “is a person you don’t deserve to know about.”

Donghae pushes himself off of Joonmyun’s bed. “I know we aren’t ever going to be friends, but if you don’t open up to  _ someone _ you’re going to die here. You’re hiding things, kid. The program is almost over. You’re going home in August. What are you going to have to show for it then, huh?”

It’s three in the morning and Donghae still slams Joonmyun’s door shut.

 

April brings more nightmares. Their frequency and vividness increase with every night and Joonmyun finds himself exhausted come morning. He teaches himself not to scream out Jongin’s name. There’s no point. Jongin is dead. Jongin isn’t there to help him now.

It would be easier, if the nightmares didn’t prey on his insecurities. Joonmyun is coming to the conclusion that above all, he hates abandonment. Every nightmare progresses in the same way. Joonmyun stands frozen solid as he watches his five year old self clinging desperately to his father’s leg. Tears pour down his cheeks, he’s shrieking for daddy not to leave yet. Joonmyun’s father pries Joonmyun’s hands away and guides them into the hands of the kindergarten teacher. Joonmyun releases a final wail as his father climbs into his car and drives away. Oh, to be the son of a workaholic.

Time flashes by and Joonmyun sees himself at thirteen, staring at the crumpled form of his mother. There are broken dishes all around her as she heaves out heartbroken sobs. The sound of the front door slamming shut as his father, with his work shirt lopsidedly buttoned, and a woman with smeared pink lipstick made their grand exit and the final chords of “WE’RE GETTING A DIVORCE!” hang ominously in the air. Joonmyun whispers “Mommy?” and the woman on the floor does not respond.

Then Joonmyun is fourteen and staring into Wufan’s face, but he isn’t Wufan, he is Kris, and Joonmyun has learned that there is indeed a distinction. Kris’s eyes are straddling the line between longing and distant trepidation and Joonmyun is shoving him towards distance. Kris isn’t putting up any resistance and Joonmyun shoves Kris away. Kris turns his back and suddenly Joonmyun aches to pull him back. Joonmyun reaches but Kris is too far away. When Kris turns, he is Wufan, open and longing, but Joonmyun still can’t run into his arms. His knees lock as Wufan drifts away as well.

Then Joonmyun is sixteen and Dongjun is holding his hands, kissing his forehead, and whispering goodbye. Joonmyun grapples for purchase on Dongjun’s arms, silently screaming for second chances but Dongjun solemnly shakes his head and walks out the door.

Joonmyun, no longer forced to watch his past selves be left, crumples on the floor and hangs his head, depression crashing onto his form. That’s when Jongin walks up to him. He takes Joonmyun’s face into his palms and whispers, “We belong together.”

Joonmyun opens his mouth to question such a sentiment when Jongin’s eyes flash into something malicious. His hands slide down and wrap themselves around Joonmyun’s throat. “Together,” Jongin repeats as he begins to squeeze.

This time, Joonmyun can’t keep himself from screaming. He screams into his pillow as he tries to erase the feeling of a vice grip tightening around his throat. No one comes rushing into his room this time. He dry heaves shallowly into fabric that is far too soft and tries to calm down. He opens his eyes to find sunlight streaming through his curtains. He twists around and his alarm clock reads eleven in the morning. It’s Wednesday. He should be in school. There’s a note next to his clock, written in Sunyoung’s precise Hangul.

_ You looked exhausted and you wouldn’t wake up so Krystal told me to let you keep sleeping. We’ll tell the school you’re sick, so just sleep in some more. You look so tired, catch up on your sleep today. We’ll be back regular time. – Sunyoung. _

Joonmyun flops back against his pillows with a sigh. He doesn’t want pity. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity. Actually, Joonmyun doesn’t know what he needs. He needs a shoulder to lean on he thinks, but he needs some sort of medium between the pathetic hunched slope of Sunyoung and the haughty curve of Krystal. Donghae’s words hang over him threateningly.  _ You’re going to die here _ . The temptation isn’t gone. Jongin’s shadow looms in the darkest corners, his eyes watching every tiny movement Joonmyun makes. Joonmyun can feel Jongin in the air and the panic swells up in his ribs and crashes down on his heart.

He sits up and rubs at his face. It is April. Time is slipping through his fingers like water. He doesn’t have much time left. He wanted to go home better and yet he’s made no progress, not an inkling of growth. He feels the disappointment rush through his blood and he slumps his shoulders. He is tired. Exhaustion drapes its heavy wings over his narrow shoulders and drags him back to sleep.

 

“I am afraid of abandonment.”

The therapist raises her eyebrows so high they disappear beneath a neatly combed fringe. Each word is enunciated and concise. It’s obviously been rehearsed. Yet she can hear the sincerity behind the precision. Joonmyun has his hands tightly clasped in his lap. His entire body is rigid.

“What is the purpose of revealing this?” she asks.

“I’ve been having nightmares. And,” Joonmyun gulps, “I have been seeing things.”

“Seeing things?”

“The reason I am in this program, other than being depressed, is because my best friend hung himself. I found his body.”

The therapist nods to prompt him.

“I have been seeing Jongin in my dreams and in the dark. He’s haunting me. I don’t know why.” Joonmyun’s practiced speech is becoming harried and higher pitched. “He won’t leave me alone. He keeps trying to kill me so I can be with him I don’t know what to do. He’s so disappointed in me. I told him I’d get healthy for him and I haven’t.”

The therapist holds up a hand for Joonmyun to pause.

“Do you think I’m crazy?” Joonmyun blurts out anyway.

She shakes her head. “You’ve been traumatized. And your file says you resisted talk therapy for months. You resisted talk therapy here as well. You have a fear of letting people help you.” She smiles kindly. “You’ve trusted people before, haven’t you? You’ve trusted people and they’ve betrayed you, haven’t they?”

Joonmyun bursts into tears. He despises this feeling. He feels like a dead fish, gutted, sliced open and all of his thick mucus-filled fish insides have been scooped out to be scrutinized. But she is right and Joonmyun’s tongue is burning to just release all of the words he has bitten back and forced down. He wants them out of his system. He needs them out of his system.

“My first day of kindergarten my mom was called out to work. My dad had to take me. I was so anxious and he promised to stay with me but as soon as we got there he passed me off to a teacher and left. And Wufan and I… when we were ten we promised we’d be best friends forever and we’d tell each other everything. But I just can’t. We were different people all of a sudden and we weren’t friends and it hurts so much. And Dongjun promised me that he’d hold my hand through everything and love me no matter what but he left me too. And Jongin promised to never leave me but he  _ did _ !” Joonmyun is sobbing. He can’t see through the storm in his eyes. His lungs are filling up with seawater. Drowning has become so familiar. “They all promise to stay but they never do. I always get left alone.”

She hands him a tissue. Joonmyun gulps for air and dabs his eyes. He has just unleashed a reservoir of aching loneliness. The water has washed away his sliced up fish guts and left his pried open ribs bare and whitewashed by rolling waves. He can still feel Jongin’s fingers ghosting up his throat, pressing down just so to force tiny breaths to escape, but they’re not as menacing as before. Joonmyun has thrown himself into what he resisted for so long.

The therapist smiles at him. “You’ve taken a wonderful first step, Joonmyun.”

 

_ Dear Wufan, _

_ I feel as though I’ve just leapt off the school roof and am plummeting towards the ground. I don’t know what will happen next. _

_ I told my therapist about Jongin and seeing him everywhere and how it’s affecting me. We’re talking a lot now and that’s good I guess. I still see Jongin in my dreams, but he isn’t trying to kill me anymore. _

_ I miss you a lot, Wufan. I want to see you again.  _ ~~_ Do you miss me too? _ ~~

_ Never mind, I’ll write again soon. I’m tired. _

_ Joonmyun _


	46. Spring - Seoul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 21 May 2014 
> 
> Cw: discussion of sexual assault

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBDNLSAGwnk) **Phantom** \- _Hole In Your Face_ | “ _It’s been a long time, baby, since I’ve only looked at you. Autumn, winter, and spring again. I don’t know what to do_.”

 

 

Cherry blossoms paint the cityscapes pink. Grey walls and neon signs wreathed in unfurling petals make Seoul look like the setting of a cheesy  _ manwha _ .

Minseok taps his foot irritably against the sidewalk and checks his watch periodically. Zitao sits beside a sulking Jongdae. Baekhyun called Jongdae out forty five minutes ago and has yet to show up. Jongdae called Minseok and Zitao to come keep him company.

“I don’t think he’s coming.” Jongdae mumbles glumly.

“Well screw him,” Zitao says airily as he scrolls through messages on his phone. “If he’s late to his own appointment he clearly didn’t intend to keep it.”

“I guess, I just didn’t expect this. I got my hopes up for nothing.” Jongdae sighs heavily.

“You’re better than him.” Minseok says flippantly as he sits down on Jongdae’s other side. “You don’t need him.”

“Min, I know I don’t need him. But I want him and I want him to want me back, that’s all.” Jongdae murmurs.

“Jongdae!” a voice cuts through the air. Three heads snap up at its owner, who turns ghostly white when he sees Jongdae has company. “Oh, oh, oh  _ shit _ .”

Minseok glares at Baekhyun. “You’re late,” he barks.

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun squeaks. “I didn’t know what kind of flowers to buy.” He holds out the bouquet of purple hyacinths meekly to Jongdae. “I didn’t realize how much time I spent freaking out about flowers.”

Jongdae steps towards Baekhyun slowly and Baekhyun winces at his caution. He’s become accustomed to Jongdae’s bounding leaps and flying hugs that almost knock Baekhyun off his feet and the air out of his lungs. Baekhyun misses Jongdae’s arms looped around his shoulders as he peppers his face with fleeting kisses.

Jongdae takes the flowers and stares at them quietly. Baekhyun swallows his saliva nervously. He isn’t used to seeing Jongdae this subdued. “Say something?” he requests softly.

“Thank you for the flowers,” Jongdae replies. “It really wasn’t necessary.”

“I wanted to say sorry for being a dumbass. I had total tunnel vision when we had that fight. I didn’t realize that you were worried and I’m sorry for upsetting you.” Baekhyun says. “I really, really love you and if you can forgive me I want to be your boyfriend. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I do know that whatever it is, I want you to be by my side.”

Jongdae shoots him a watery smile. “Why’d it take you long to say that?”

Baekhyun snickers. “I’m a dumbass, remember?”

“Next time you’re confused about anything just talk to me, okay? We’ll sort it out together.”

Baekhyun pulls Jongdae into a hug and kisses him softly. “I promise.”

 

Chanyeol is sitting across from Kyungsoo on his bed. Their knees are touching. Kyungsoo has been mutely staring at the envelope for at least ten minutes. Chanyeol sits quietly, staring gently yet intently at Kyungsoo.

“I know I’m ready to read this.” Kyungsoo says. “But it’s hard all the same. I just don’t know what to expect.”

“You can do it.” Chanyeol says soothingly.

Kyungsoo inhales deeply as he slides his finger beneath the torn envelope flap and tears it open. He folds the flap away and carefully pulls the letter out. The paper is still crisp and white and heavy in his hands. Kyungsoo bites his lip as he unfolds it.

Chanyeol tenses as he watches Kyungsoo’s round eyes well up with tears and a sob slip out between his full lips. Kyungsoo sniffles as he reads before letting the paper fall into his lap and burying his face in his hands.

Chanyeol gingerly plucks the fallen letter up and turns his eyes to the words.  
  


 

_ Kyungsoo, _

_ I’m asking a lot of you by writing this to you. I’m asking you to hear my last confession and bear whatever burdens my words will place on you. I don’t mean to hurt you, and I’m sorry for all of the pain I’ve inflicted on you. I’m well aware that you may never forgive me for what I did, and I could never hold that against you. I’m a filthy excuse for a human being and I deserve you treating me as such. _

_ Chanyeol told me that you had wanted to talk to me, but I couldn’t see you. I don’t ever see you, instead I see you in pain and it’s me that’s hurting you and I get sick every time I think of it. I think all I can do is offer up some convoluted reasoning behind my actions. _

_ I loved you once, Kyungsoo. I really did. I know you may not believe it, but I did love you. I loved you, but I was so confused. I was always jealous of the relationship you have with your dad. He was always so understanding and kind. My father is a brick wall in comparison and he hates me so, so much. I made him look bad and he’s all but disowned me. He taught me what being a man was and you became my victim because you shattered all of those teachings. I desired you but I wasn’t supposed to, so I raped you. I knew nothing but aggression and dominance because that was manly and I wouldn’t be anything but a man. My father beat the shit out of me when he found out and said I was no son of his. _

_ I was so remorseful afterwards, but there was no way I could apologize to you. How can you beg forgiveness for something like that? I thought maybe if I hurt myself I could push you out of my mind, but even after all of the cutting I knew it wasn’t even a fraction of what I made you endure. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. I promised you and I ended up lying. I’m sorry. _

_ I’m not telling you this to elicit pity. I’m telling you this in the hopes that you’ll maybe somehow understand me. All I want is for you to forget me. Put me out of your mind forever, Kyungsoo. I’m dead. I can’t hurt you anymore. Please live happily and remove me from your thoughts. I’m sorry for everything. _

_ Jongin _  
  


 

Kyungsoo’s narrow shoulders are heaving with sobs. He has his hand clamped over his mouth as he tries to stifle the agonized cries slipping through his lips. Chanyeol pulls Kyungsoo into his arms. “Let it all out,” he murmurs.

Kyungsoo breaks and he clings to Chanyeol, crying loudly into his chest. Chanyeol feels his own heart break a little. He can’t imagine either of them carrying around so much pain and continuing to move along as if it were nothing. He can understand how Jongin crumbled and succumbed to suicide now.

“How could he just keep all of that bottled up?” Kyungsoo hiccups. “Without anyone to help him? How did he last so long?”

Chanyeol rubs Kyungsoo’s back. “I don’t know. Joonmyun was with him a lot. They probably shared the burden.”

“Joonmyun told me Jongin never went to therapy, never got any help. If you’re a parent, how do you just let your son deteriorate like this? How could they turn their backs on him? Jongin was hurting too. How could they ignore that?”

“I don’t know.”

Kyungsoo wipes at his eyes. “I understand him now.” He frowns. “But I just can’t forgive him. He  _ broke _ me. I’m still broken.”

Chanyeol knows it’s the worst possible time to pop a confession but he needs to get it out of his system. “I love you.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen in confusion. “What?”

“Do Kyungsoo, I love you.”

“Chanyeol, I can’t… I’m not… I’m so…”

“I can wait and I would wait and I will wait.  _ I will wait for you _ . I’ll do that because I’m serious and I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. I will always be here however you want me, even if it’s only as a platonic friend. I’m going to be here.” Chanyeol says.

Kyungsoo sniffles again. “You may have to wait a while.”

“I’m willing.”

“Thank you for being with me and for being willing to wait. Just give me time.”

“I promise. Take all the time you need”

 

It’s raining heavily. Sehun has just furiously ousted all of the underclassmen from the dance room and now only he and Yixing remain. Yixing sent Luhan a discreet text to avoid the room, because Sehun is going to blow a fuse and Yixing thinks it’d be better if no one stopped him this time.

“Those little brats,” Sehun flings his dance shoes across the room. One hits the mirror and bounces to the floor. “They are so full of shit I can’t stand it.” He kicks over the waste basket and scatters its contents. “They have it so easy. They have it so nice. No fucking problems.” He picks up the basket and chucks it across the room. It crashes to the floor and Yixing jumps slightly.

“They have no idea how difficult life is. They’ve probably never gone through anything like we have. How dare they just parade around happily? What about me? I have no many questions I don’t have answers to and I’ll never get those answers.” Sehun kicks the trash can again. “I hate it so much.”

“I thought you were trying to talk out your feelings.” Yixing finally says.

“Talking doesn’t help me, Xing. I’m talking to the air. No one talks back. It’s horrible.”

“Maybe you’re just not listening hard enough. Maybe there are answers you can’t hear.”

Sehun’s head snaps towards Yixing, his eyes wide and unreadable. For a horrible half heartbeat of a moment, Yixing thinks Sehun is about to murder him, but instead Sehun’s eyes widen more with a look of horror and wonder.

“I’ve never been good at listening.” Sehun says monotonously. He collapses onto his knees and Yixing springs up to sit beside him. “Could it be I’m just ignoring his answers?”

“It’s entirely possible.” Yixing replies sagely. He doesn’t know whether or not he’s lying, but he also doesn’t know if it matters. Sehun’s storm has suddenly calmed, but Yixing doesn’t know if he’s in the eye of it or if it’s really died down.

Sehun stares blankly at his reflection in the dance room mirror. “Maybe I should listen.”

 

Jongdae looks uncomfortable.

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun asks.

Jongdae nods neutrally.

Baekhyun frowns. “You don’t need to lie to me. What’s wrong?”

“Why did you apologize to me?” Jongdae asks. “You ignored me out of nowhere, we fought out of nowhere, and now you apologize to me out of nowhere. Did you only apologize because Minseok went and threatened you?”

“Of course not! I was sorry. I realized that I’d been an idiot. I was sincere, Jongdae. I want to be with you.” Baekhyun freezes. “Do you not want to be with me?”

“I want to be with you but I need to get used to this again. I was really hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun flushes. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“I know you are.” Jongdae sighs. “But it’s not easy to just try to pick up where we left off, right? The dynamic between us, it’s changed. I don’t know how to change with it.”

Baekhyun chews on his lower lip. This feels like Chanyeol in freshman year all over again. Baekhyun being the bad guy, Baekhyun expecting things to just fall back into place without any hassle, Baekhyun being wrong.

Jongdae looks up at Baekhyun forlornly. “I don’t know what to do or say or think or feel. It’s not the same anymore. I hate being so uncomfortable.”

Baekhyun looks away from Jongdae’s mournful eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot for thinking everything would just magically get better. I’m sorry.”

Jongdae fidgets and Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do. He knows Jongdae hates awkward situations. He hates himself for putting Jongdae in one. “Do you want to break up?” he whispers.

Jongdae jolts in his seat. “What did you say?” he squawks.

Baekhyun flinches. “I just want you to be happy, okay? Even if it isn’t with me. I’m making you uncomfortable. I don’t how to make it better.”

“So you think the answer is breaking up? Didn’t we just technically get back together?” Jongdae demands. “The answer isn’t running away from your problems like a little bitch, Baekhyun!”

Baekhyun frowns. “Why are you yelling at me? I’m trying to make this easier for you, not me!”

“Are you sure? Because it seems to me like you’re just copping out because you’re scared. Don’t play with me, Baekhyun. It  _ hurts _ .”

Baekhyun can’t help but scowl. “I’m not trying to play with you, Jongdae. I feel helpless and I don’t know what to do.”

“Why is it your first instinct to run away? Quit dicking around and talk to me for fuck’s sake. I’m right here. But there’s a time limit on how long I’m willing to wait around for your melodramatic ass.” Jongdae grits his teeth. “I love you, Baekhyun. You’re a stupid fucktard and Minseok is right about you most of the time, but I love you. So don’t stay stupid shit like ‘let’s break up’ to try to make me comfortable. I’m uncomfortable right now. It’s okay. I’ll get over it. We’ll get over. Stop being a stupid fuck boy, holy shit.”

“Why are we arguing again?” Baekhyun sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m saying stupid things again. Ignore me.”

“Baekhyun, would you stop? Can we talk things out or are you going to just ignore me again?” Jongdae groans.

“Jongdae, I don’t want to talk…”

Jongdae stands up abruptly. “Then let’s end it here. I love you but I can’t take this. You can’t just take me back and then shut me out. I can’t take it. I will not take it.”

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun stands.

“Save it, Baekhyun! I can’t deal with this.” Jongdae turns to leave.

Baekhyun leaps up and grabs him. “Stop, Jongdae! Wait, I’m sorry. Let’s talk.”

“We’re not having this fight every single time something bothers you!” Jongdae is in tears. Baekhyun feels like an asshole. “Why do you keep trying to shut me out? What did I do to make you want to hide from me? I didn’t do anything. Why are you doing this to me?”

“It’s not you, I swear to god, Jongdae, it isn’t you. I love you. I promise I love you.” Baekhyun swipes his thumbs across Jongdae’s damp cheeks. “I love you so much. I don’t want to weigh you down with all of my confusion.”

“You make me feel like such a piece of shit when you try to keep me out of things. We’re in a relationship. We’re in this shit together. Let me in.”

“I will. I’m going to try so hard. But please, please don’t blow up like this. It’s hard for me too. I can weigh Chanyeol down with all of my negativity because we’ve been through so much together. He’s my best friend. But I don’t want to ever feel like I’m putting unnecessary burdens on you. I’m reluctant. Just give me time.”

Jongdae smiles weakly. “I’ll try too. But I can handle it. It doesn’t look like it now, but I’m stronger than I look, Baek. You can let me help you carry some of those burdens.”

Baekhyun lets out a sigh of relief. “I love you, Dae.”

 

“How are you feeling?”

“Down,” Wufan heaves out a sigh. “What about you? I heard from Yixing that Sehun had a minor meltdown today.”

Luhan grimaces. “I thought having him try talking with Jongin’s memory, ghost or whatever you’d call it, would help, but it’s only made him more agitated. I don’t really know what to do about it. Yixing said he calmed Sehun down, but I still wish I had been there."

“Sometimes it’s better if you break down like that away from the people who care about you the most. It’s good if he can get it out of his system.”

“How is it at home?”

“Empty again. I hate being there alone. It’s easier now… they call more often, and to say more than ‘My trip got extended.’ That helps, but I still wish I didn’t have to want them to come home.” Wufan shrugs his shoulders. “But it’s better, I guess.”

Luhan pats his hand softly. “It’ll all turn out fine in the end.”

“Maybe.” Wufan concedes.

Luhan tilts his head slightly. “But really, how are you feeling?”

“I don’t know. I miss Joonmyun. I wish I knew he was okay. I’m just terrified that he’s over there, feeling all alone, and something happens.” Wufan shudders. “I want time to go by faster so we can see him again.”

Luhan nods. “I do too. I hope he’s okay.” He rests his chin in his hands. “We did promise Jongin to look after him, after all.”

“I want to make good on that promise. It means a lot to me.” Wufan wrings his hands. “I spent so much time hurting and spiting both of them and I want to make up for it. Joonmyun… he is so important to me.”

“You love him a lot.” It’s a statement.

“I do. He is such a wonderful person. It hurts to know that I caused him a lot of pain. He deserves better than that. He deserves to be happy and healthy and loved. I just hope he can let me be the one to love him.”

“I think he will. You mean a lot to him too.”

“I didn’t know for a while because of Dongjun and because of Jongin…”

“They both left him in different ways, both for their own reasons, good or otherwise. But you, even though you’ve been emotionally callous and closed off, you stayed. He appreciates that because he’s used to people leaving.” Luhan smiles at him kindly. “You’ve been a constant, even when you’ve been an antagonistic constant. I think he can love you for that.”

“I hope so.” Wufan sighs.


	47. Summer - New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 16 June 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H15f-ITz4A) **If/Then** \- _You Learn to Live Without_ | “ _You learn to stand alone at last, so brave and bold and strong and stout. You learn somehow to like the dark and even love the doubt_.”

 

 

Squandering. Scrambling. Second guessing.

It’s as if someone is continually dunking Joonmyun’s head into a bucket of ice water. He keeps coming up to gasp for air only to be plunged back into frozen darkness and panic throbbing in his ears.

Breaking down isn’t enough. He’s broken down dozens of times since the first time, each episode seeming to get worse. It’s the fear of what he’s finally speaking of coupled with the fear of time slipping through his fingers. He’s squandered his time and now he feels as if there isn’t enough. He hates having panic attacks during his therapy sessions. He hates feeling weak. The therapist reassures him that it’s fine, that wellness doesn’t come without difficulties. But there’s still so much he wants to say, wants to talk out, but there just isn’t enough time. The therapist reassures him that he’s made improvements in leaps and bounds.  _ It still isn’t enough _ , Joonmyun frets,  _ not enough, no, never enough _ . He’s waited too long to act and now he’ll never be where he wants to. He’s terrified of the thought. Anxiety shakes him to the core and leaves him heaving over the toilet in the apartment, hoping no one hears him.

“I’m afraid to go back home.” Joonmyun says to Krystal. The air conditioner in the apartment crapped out and Donghae has failed to fix it. The fire escape is no cooler, but at least there’s a tiny breeze every once in a while.

Krystal is tying her hair into a bun. “I don’t want to go back at all.”

“But we have to eventually. It’s almost over.”

Krystal shrugs neutrally. “You and Sunyoung did so much here, but I didn’t. I didn’t come here of my own volition. I was forced. I only wanted to leave home, I didn’t want to get help. Now that I’ve left I don’t want to go back. Here I go weeks without thinking of Sooyeon. And even when I do think of her, I think of good memories, happy memories.”

“I haven’t done a fraction of what Sunyoung has done. I’m still in the same place. Nothing has changed.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, you dumb fuck.” Krystal snorts. “You’re different but you’re still scared. So you probably don’t give your friends back home enough credit, either.” She pauses. “I’m sure they’re proud of you, whoever they are.”

“They are,” Joonmyun concedes. “But I’m not proud of myself yet. I’m still second guessing everything I do. I don’t know if I’ve done enough.”

“You’ve at least done more than me.” Krystal says. “I’m just afraid of going back and nothing is different. What if this whole year was irrelevant because we’re put back into a bad environment and just fall back on old habits?”

“I don’t know, Krystal. I’m afraid of that too.”

 

In the meantime, Joonmyun does what he does best: shove all of his fears down into a dark corner of his mind and busies himself with other things.

His last months in New York fly. Before he knows it he’s wearing a cheap graduation robe and Krystal is knocking his cap askew and screaming in his ears. Krystal is shoving Sunyoung into his arms and snapping terrible pictures of them and cackling while both of them demand she delete them. He and Sunyoung are getting dragged by Krystal into some cheap diner and only ordering desserts that Sunyoung actually manages to eat without panicking and that makes his whole heart swell with pride. The weather is hot and for the first time in his life he gets a sunburn and Krystal spends a whole afternoon cackling at his lobster red skin as he whines about how much it hurts.

They go to the beach the week after school ends and spend the day pushing each other into oncoming waves. He and Sunyoung tip a bucket of seawater onto Krystal’s hair and she screams something about chemical treatments and how bad salt water is for her hair. Sunyoung says that she has chemically treated hair too and Krystal pushes her back into the ocean. Joonmyun laughs so hard his stomach aches. They walk down the boardwalk eating hotdogs and ice cream and funnel cakes (and Sunyoung keeps it all down) and stay until the sky gets dark and the water gets cold. The subway ride back home seems to take and eternity and Sunyoung dozes off on his shoulder. Krystal makes tiny braids in her sea tousled red hair before pulling them out. Joonmyun watches the stops go by.

His dark thoughts are threatening like summertime thunderclouds. Lightning crackles in the ravines of his brain; thunder rumbles against his skull. It’s the hiding and denying that landed him here. He should know better.

“I don’t want to go back to Korea.” Krystal says softly.

“We still have about a month.” Joonmyun replies.

“Have you ever seen this movie called  _ The Wizard of Oz _ ? I watched it once with Sooyeon. It’s about this girl who wants to leave home, and she gets swept away in a tornado and goes on this magical adventure, but realizes that she’s homesick and goes back in the end. I’m not like her… my adventure isn’t over. I don’t want to go back.”

“The adventure needs to end sometime. Everything needs to end sometime.”

“I know. But I like it here. I think my parents assume I’m undergoing some magical transformation here and I’ll come home and I won’t be suicidal and I won’t ever think about Sooyeon. I don’t think I can go back to that. I can’t handle those expectations.”

“You told me I didn’t give my friends enough credit. Aren’t you selling your parents short?”

“No, because I know what my parents are like. I know that they’re eradicating all evidence of Sooyeon in their lives. I don’t want to pretend like that. She’s my twin. I can’t forget that.” Krystal sighs. “Sooyeon was always the one who did what they asked her too. I only did because she told me to. Now that she’s gone I want to rebel fully.”

“I don’t get the impression I can stop you.”

Krystal leans against Joonmyun lightly. “You know me well, Francis.”

 

By the end of June the lack of air conditioning becomes intolerable so Joonmyun and Sunyoung go out to get a new one. They drag the heavy thing down the street with a luggage cart they picked up at a junky store. The wheels jam every once in a while, forcing Joonmyun to stub his fingers trying to free the wheels.

“Why did we do this?” Joonmyun huffs, wiping sweat off his face. “Our strength combined probably only equals all of Krystal’s. Why’d the weaklings do this?”

“Because Soojung is a princess and would’ve refused and Donghae is willing to boil in his room and we are not.” Sunyoung replies with a smile. Her face has gained significant roundness. Her smile is broader and the fear has left her bright eyes.

“I guess that’s true.” Joonmyun wobbles back to his feet. It’s unbearably hot outside. “They better be grateful.”

“They’ll probably start off by scolding us for dragging an air conditioner down the street by ourselves or say ‘we didn’t really need it!’ But then they’ll demand we keep it running all the time.” Sunyoung replies.

“That’s probably how it’s going to be.” Joonmyun says.

“Can you believe it’s almost over?” Sunyoung asks.

“No, it feels like we moved in yesterday.”

“My therapist told me that we’ll be allowed to call back home within the week. That’s exciting, isn’t it? I haven’t heard my mom’s voice in a while.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to hear my mother’s voice.” Joonmyun says softly. “She’s always been an absence in my life, but I found myself missing her.”

“My mom cried for hours the last time I fainted from my eating disorder. She kept asking me if she failed me as a parent and if it was her fault. I had to cry too because it wasn’t her fault at all. We agreed on this mutually. So I’ve really missed her.”

“I wish my mother and I had that kind of bond. My father cheated on her and she’s been a mess ever since she found out. She was a workaholic to start but after that she buried herself in work. I hardly see her. I wish I could blame her, but I can’t. I don’t think I want to.”

“My mom has only tried to help me. She doesn’t understand why I was driven to this, but she was always supportive.”

“My mother wasn’t. But she couldn’t and I’m learning to understand that.”

“That’s what’s important, isn’t it?” Sunyoung freezes suddenly. “Joonmyun.”

“Yes, Sunyoung?”

She looks at him with wide eyes. “Our apartment building doesn’t have an elevator.”

They both let out wails of agony.

 

“Hey,” Krystal says. “Come do something with me.”

“Sure. Where are we going?” Joonmyun bookmarks his book and stands.

Krystal seems to hesitate. “A tattoo parlor.” She taps her forearm. “I want to put Sooyeon’s name right here.”

Joonmyun nods. “Alright.”

“I found the place the other day. I just want company… and we understand one another.”

“Of course, Krystal. I’ll go.”

They make the trek in silence. Krystal seems lost in thought. The place Krystal found doesn’t look like the classiest establishment from the outside, but inside it’s spacious and clean. Krystal begins conversing with the artist in breezy English. Joonmyun stares at his own wrist, the left one that bears more scars. Tattoos. They’re taboo in Korea, he tells himself. He traces Jongin’s name into his wrist.

Krystal comes to sit by him. Joonmyun swallows thickly. “I want one too.”

“What?”

He touches his scarred wrist. “I want Jongin’s name, in  _ Hangul _ , right here.”

Krystal levels her gaze. “I’ll tell him.”

The needle hurts like hell and Joonmyun grits his teeth. The tattoo isn’t very big but the black ink still stands out vividly on his white skin. Krystal gets her tattoo in silence. Its size makes Joonmyun’s look like a pen smudge. They’re both given ointments for the itching that’s bound to occur. And indeed Joonmyun has the urge to scratch at it.

“Thank you,” Krystal says on the walk home.

“It was no problem. Thank you too.” Joonmyun says.

She smiles. “No problem.”

 

True to Sunyoung’s word, they are all told they could call home if they wished. Only Sunyoung calls. Joonmyun takes out his packet of letters and carefully pens in Wufan’s address. He walks around the block twelve times before finally opening the slot and dropping in the fat envelope.

“Get to Wufan,” Joonmyun murmurs, patting the mailbox.

It’s silly to give his own words scribbled in weaker moments fighting words. Wufan will see the letters and make whatever decisions about Joonmyun based on what he gleams from Joonmyun’s ramblings. Suddenly, Joonmyun wishes he hadn’t dropped the letters in. He could just call, like Sunyoung, or keep his silence and his peace, like Krystal and Donghae. But the letters are in the mailbox and with a lump in his throat Joonmyun forces himself to walk back to the apartment and continues pushing down his fears.

 

The last few weeks blur together into sunshine days and sunset nights. Before he knows it, Joonmyun is sitting on the floor cramming all of his belongings back into his suitcase. He has to sit on the damn thing to zipper it shut. He bought more than he should, he supposes.

Krystal is oddly quiet the evening before departure while Sunyoung and Donghae make small talk about returning home. Joonmyun too stays quiet as he finds himself lost in thought. The last time he left Seoul he returned to find everything changed. Perhaps if one absence was enough to change everything another would change it back? It was wishful thinking at best and hilarious lunacy at worst. Joonmyun sighs. Was homecoming always going to be this anxiety-riddled?

At some point in the night, Joonmyun swears he hears the door opening, but that wouldn’t make sense. The four of them are about to spend at least two days in transit, getting as much sleep as possible would only be logical. Joonmyun ignores it and rolls over.

He awakens to Sunyoung’s pale face. “Krystal’s run away!” she cries. “She’s gone!”

He sits up immediately. “What?”

There’s a crumpled paper in Sunyoung’s hands. “She said that she decided that she would never go back to Korea and that she was going to stay here. She left in the middle of the night.”

Joonmyun stares at the note. Could Krystal’s departure have been the door he heard? It had to be. “What are we going to do?”

Sunyoung shrugs helplessly. “The therapist is trying to get in touch with her, but we can’t do anything else. We’re still going back as planned.”

Ultimately, they can’t get in touch with Krystal and they go to the airport. They board in silence. Joonmyun reaches into his carry-on bag for his book. Instead of his bookmark he finds a folded piece of paper. He plucks it out and unfolds it. He freezes. It’s a note from Krystal.

 

_ Hey Francis, _

_ Are you shocked? I made my great escape! So you’re wondering how I’m going to live, are you? I took the SAT and I applied to college here. I made a friend who’s willing to let me crash with her while I go to school. I’ll get a job and pay her rent. I’m eighteen years old, in this country that’s a legal adult. I’ll file for emancipation and citizenship here. Don’t worry about me! _

_ I need to thank you for everything too. Thanks for listening to me rant and for sharing secrets with me. Thanks for getting tatted up with me too. Thanks for being a good person in my life. You should be happy, Joonmyun. Go home and find your happiness. Don’t be afraid. Give your friends their due. I’ll be fine. I’ll find a way to get back in touch. _

_ Soojung _

 

Joonmyun hands shake. The stewardesses begin the safety procedures talk. Joonmyun slouches in his seat and closes his eyes. So it’s finally over. He’s heading home.


	48. Summer - Seoul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 11 July 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKwj1aOWzVA) **f(x) ft. D.O.** \- _Goodbye Summe_ r | “ _I remember when we were yelled at for talking in the halls. I don’t know why it was so fun even when we were being punished. … Just like that hot summer when we couldn’t say what we wanted, goodbye_.”

 

 

Wufan walks home with Chanyeol after a game of pickup basketball, shirt sticking to him unpleasantly. He grabs it by the hem and fans it uselessly. It’s too humid for a breeze to give much comfort. The sun is beating down on them and the air is stagnant and warm. Mosquitoes whine around his sunburnt ears and he swats at them without much use.

“I have an air conditioner, so let’s just cool down.” Wufan suggests. “I just need to get the mail.” He reaches into his pocket and tosses his house keys to Chanyeol. “You can get the door.”

Wufan opens up his mailbox and frowns in slight confusion when he sees a large envelope crammed inside. He pulls it out with minor difficulty. He turns it over and chokes on his spit. The return address is a New York address… and the name on the envelope is Kim Joonmyun. He stares at it before a bubble of hysterical laughter pops in his throat. He starts laughing. What the hell else is he supposed to do? Is this a sign? Does this mean Joonmyun is alright? He can’t stop laughing.

He feels Chanyeol’s hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” Wufan hiccups.

Chanyeol takes the envelope from his hands. “Joonmyun?”

“It’s been so long.” Wufan says. “I always think… I can’t help but think something terrible has happened to him. Is this real?”

“Only one way to find out, right?” Chanyeol shrugs.

At Wufan’s dining room table they open up the envelope. Folded up notes and a few photographs tumble out onto the polished oak. Chanyeol picks up a photo. Joonmyun is smiling with two girls, one bleach blonde and the other red-haired. “Joonmyun’s got game,” he chuckles. He turns to the back, where Joonmyun has written:  _ Krystal coerced some poor tourist to take our picture using really exaggeratedly bad English. We took this in June when we went to Coney Island. _

Wufan sorts through the notes, all are dated which is helpful, trying to find the earliest note. None of the notes at particularly long, and the dates are sporadic. Some of them sound run down, as if Joonmyun had written them during a bad day, but others are significantly more hopeful. A crossed out sentence catches his eye.  _ Do you miss me too? _ Wufan’s throat tightens. Of course he does. How could Joonmyun even question it?

“‘I’m coming home at the beginning of August.’” Chanyeol reads from one note. “What is it now? Mid-July? I have no concept of time.”

“Me either,” Wufan replies, throat still tight. “But he’s coming home soon.”

 

“Are you meditating?” Luhan asks, taking a seat beside Sehun in the grass.

“Not really,” Sehun replies, pulling his knees into his chest. “I’m listening.”

“Listening to Jongin?” Luhan asks.

“Yeah. Yixing told me that Jongin was answering all of my questions, I just wasn’t listening hard enough. I believe it. So I’m listening now.”

Luhan shifts so he can sit back to back with Sehun. “So what is he saying?”

Sehun sounds choked up. “That it’s been over a year, so it’s time to move on. And that one day we’ll be able to talk things out.”

“Is he really saying that?” Luhan asks softly.

Sehun sniffles. “No, but that’s what I’m telling myself. And I should listen.”

“Are you sure?”

“No, but there’s nothing else I can do. He’s gone. I can’t just get stuck here because of that. I need to move on too.”

Luhan turns to wrap his arms around Sehun.

Sehun wipes at his face. “I don’t know if this is what Yixing meant, but I know that I need to let go. I can’t go on like this, wanting things to be different. It happened. Jongin’s dead. I can’t change that. So I have to move on.”

Luhan pats down Sehun’s hair and kisses his temple. “I’m going to be right here, okay? I’m not going to leave.”

“Don’t promise me, Luhan.” Sehun murmurs. “Because promises always get broken, even when you have the best intentions.”

“When did you grow up so much?” Luhan teases lightly. “Fine, I won’t promise you. But can I promise to try?”

“Yes.” Sehun stands up slowly. Patting the tombstone, he smiles softly. “Bye, Jongin. I’ll come visit you as much as I can, but I don’t know how often that’ll be. I’m going to be in Imsil. It’s a long ride back home. But I’ll try.” He pauses. “I promise to try.”

Luhan extends his hand to Sehun. Sehun takes his hand and links their fingers.

 

“What are they arguing about now?” Zitao is chain-chewing candy cigarettes. He really wants a real one, but he finally kicked the habit and doesn’t want to start again.

“School,” Minseok replies. “Baekhyun, who spent months refusing to look at colleges because he didn’t know what he wanted, is enrolled in a public university in Seoul. Jongdae, who knows what he wants, is off to North Gyeongsang at the end of the month. They’re fighting about long distance relationships.”

“How stupid,” Zitao huffs. “We live in this technological age and Baekhyun is fretting over that?”

“No, it’s not Baekhyun who’s fretting, it’s Jongdae. Though he’s fretting because of Baekhyun, since he’s so damn indecisive and secretive. Jongdae’s worried Baekhyun will clam up to him again if he leaves.” Minseok replies.

Zitao frowns. “When exactly did Jongdae make headway on that front? Baekhyun was locked up tighter than a vault for a while.”

“There’s a chemical in Jongdae’s tears that makes you want to slap a bitch.” Minseok says coolly. “Baekhyun made Jongdae cry and therefore the chemical made him slap himself. Jongdae told me they were making progress until they realized they were going to be one hundred and thirty-four miles away from one another.”

“You call arguing all day everyday  _ progress _ ?” Zitao asks incredulously.

“When they fight they pull out all the stops and end up saying a lot of things you wouldn’t regularly. It’s a subconscious way to coax Baekhyun’s secrets out of him. Anyway, isn’t it better to fight about things than to fight about Baekhyun refusing to let Jongdae in?”

“Well when you put it that way, I guess you’re right.” Zitao concedes.

“I told Jongdae to ask Luhan and Sehun how they plan to handle long distances but Jongdae is too busy fighting with Baekhyun about it.”

“Why don’t  _ you _ ask Luhan?”

“I don’t want to babysit Jongdae and Baekhyun. Think about how much arm twisting I had to do to make Baekhyun aware of how much he was upsetting Jongdae. I don’t want to get overly involved in their mess. They need to sort things out themselves.”

“Time to kick the babies out of the nest, right?” Zitao smiles in spite of himself.

 

Wufan runs into Dongjun the third week of July in the supermarket. It’s shocking; Wufan balks because he isn’t sure if it’s the same person. Dongjun looks different, smaller; frailer. It’s absolutely disconcerting.

“Dongjun?” Wufan asks.

Dongjun offers him a brittle smile. “Hello. Kris, right?”

“Uh, yes. Um, I’m going by Wufan again. But yes, Kris, that’s me.”

“Hello again, Wufan. How are you?”

“Fine. Um, have you been, uh, sick?” Wufan can’t help but stare. This isn’t the sports captain that used to make his stomach turn. This person has changed dramatically. Hasn’t it only been a year? Two? Dongjun looks  _ aged _ .

“Sick? Ah, yes, you could say that.” Dongjun’s eyes flicker to the bag in his hands; it’s from the pharmacy counter.

“Are you okay?”

“I suppose so.” Dongjun replies. “I have my days.”

Wufan flounders for something to say, so Dongjun continues. “I was just curious; have you heard from Joonmyun? I didn’t know he’d left until I came home back during my winter break. Is he coming back soon?”

“Yeah, I heard from him at the beginning of the month. He’s coming back in August.” Wufan answers. “Uh, two weeks from now?”

Dongjun nods. “That’s good. I’m going to be heading back to Busan next week.”

“So soon? Aren’t you on your summer break?”

Dongjun smiles again, it’s very faint. “I have a few extraneous reasons to head back earlier than others. Something to do with being sick.”

“There are lots of hospitals in Seoul; I’m sure they could treat…”

“Like Joonmyun left Seoul for treatment, I leave Seoul as well. When the world around you is constantly in motion you can get lost in despair. Removing yourself helps.”

“What exactly are you sick with?”

Dongjun pats Wufan’s shoulder. His touch is light. “It’s nothing to concern yourself with. Take care of Joonmyun, won’t you? He’s still very important to me.”

“Of course I will.” Wufan says. “But, Dongjun…”

“I’m sorry, Wufan, but I’m expected home. Take care of yourself.”

Wufan’s head spins.

 

“Say ‘let’s break up’ one more time and I may tear out your spleen.” Jongdae snaps.

“You’re the one that’s needlessly freaking out over the fact that we’re going to be apart for college! Not me! You do realize that whenever you visit home I’m going to be here, right? I’m not going to some fancy pants school where I’m going to be camped out in a library for days at a time. I’m not even going in with a planned major! We’ll be  _ fine _ .” Baekhyun retorts.

“I’m not the one who’s inevitably going to clam up when I’m not around! Chanyeol’s leaving Seoul too!”

“Yeah? Well what about you! What if you pull what Joonmyun’s boyfriend did and come back just to dump me, huh!?”

“Yes, because I worked my ass off to get into a cutthroat music school to find a replacement for your melodramatic ass. That is one hundred percent the reason. Wow, Baek, how’d you know my true intentions?”

“Why do you have to be such an asshole about this?”

“I wouldn’t have to be an asshole if you weren’t prone to ignoring me out of the blue!”

“Are you really still on that? We’re making progress! You’re the one who’s stuck right now!”

“I just don’t want to leave and come back and you’re completely blocked off, okay? I don’t want that.”

“How many times do I have to tell you it isn’t going to happen?”

“I don’t trust you!” Jongdae’s voice cracks. “There! I said it! I don’t trust you, Baekhyun, and I’m  _ scared _ !”

Baekhyun sighs heavily. “Jongdae, I love you. Please, please, trust me.”

Jongdae starts babbling. “I’ve been thinking about Joonmyun a lot since he’s coming home soon. And I was thinking about Dongjun and about how hard it must’ve been for him to come back here and find Joonmyun so messed up and I don’t want to experience that. I don’t want to go away and come back to find you’re a different person, Baekhyun, or that you’ve been pushing me out and putting your walls back up. I don’t want that!”

Baekhyun pulls Jongdae into a tight hug. “Jongdae, don’t cry. We’re going to get through this together, okay? That’s not going to happen; I promise you.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Jongdae mumbles into Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“It won’t happen. We’ve been together for two years now, we’re going to make things work.” Baekhyun strokes Jongdae’s hair gently. “We’ll figure it out.”

 

“So we should have a coming home party.” Luhan announces. He, Wufan, Chanyeol, and Yixing are seated at the Lu family’s massive dining room table. “Nothing ridiculously huge, but something.”

“Are you sure it’d be wise to do that the day he comes back? He’ll have been airborne for more than twenty-four hours, he’s going to be exhausted.” Chanyeol says.

“Well that’s why I said nothing huge. Fine, not like a party, but at least a gathering so he comes home to people.”

“His mom got roped into something in Jeju so she won’t be in Seoul,” Wufan whispers to Yixing.

“Should someone go get him from the airport?” Yixing pipes up. “So he doesn’t have to take a taxi half conscious?”

“Wufan is the only one with a car,” Chanyeol says.

“Don’t put me on the spot like this,” Wufan groans. He points at Luhan. “And don’t start the ‘let’s guilt-trip Wufan’ parade.”

“It wouldn’t be a parade,” Luhan mutters. “But I think you should.”

“Luhan…”

“It’s up to you, Wufan. I won’t push you about it.” Luhan interrupts. “But we should really do something to welcome him home.”

“Yeah,” Yixing says enthusiastically. “Maybe something simple, like buying a cake and hanging a banner.”

“A banner may be too much, but definitely a cake. Should we get more than one? Taozi inhales sweets. Yeah, definitely two cakes.”

While Luhan and Yixing begin to babble, Wufan excuses himself to sit outside on the curb. Yixing joins him after a few minutes. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t you have homecoming plans to make with Luhan?”

“He and Chanyeol are having a very animated discussion about balloons; he won’t miss me for a few minutes. Now, what’s wrong?” Yixing replies blithely.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to see him, Xing. It’s been so long and I’ve gotten used to him not being here. Then getting those letters totally out of the blue… I don’t know what to feel. I’d spend nights wide awake because I was so scared he was all alone and in trouble and I couldn’t help him. Now I see he was okay, that he wasn’t alone and I’m so relieved. But I’m jealous of these people. He looks like he’s so close to them and I’m scared he’s pushed me out entirely. I don’t know what to expect when he comes back. I don’t know if I’m ready to see him again.”

“I don’t think he pushed you out; why would he address all of his letters to you if he had?” Yixing takes Wufan’s hand into his own. “Wufan, love doesn’t have expectations, just acceptance. However he comes home, you’ll still love him won’t you? And because you love him, maybe he’ll come around to love you back. Love can’t be forced, but love is patient. You’re a good person, Wufan. You may do bad things, but you’re good inside. Joonmyun knows that. He was the only one way back in kindergarten who got that mean looking boy to smile during play time. He knows you. And you still have a few days to be ready to see him again.”

“Thank you, Yixing.” Wufan says quietly. “I needed to hear that.”

Yixing pats his back. “Now come back inside. I bet Chanyeol and Luhan are still arguing over balloon colors.”

 

“Have you talked to Kyungsoo lately?” Wufan asks Chanyeol.

“Every now and then. He’s doing summer volunteer work so he’s been busy.” Chanyeol replies. “I asked him to come down for Joonmyun’s homecoming party but he’s in the middle of a service project in Gyeonggi-do so he couldn’t.”

“Now that you’ve confessed, do you find things changed?”

“Not really. Maybe that’s because it’s sort of mutual, but it hasn’t changed much.”

“That’s good. It would be hard if it became awkward.”

“Is this question secretly about Joonmyun? You’ll be fine.”

“I am not so self-centered that I unconsciously make everything about me!” Wufan protests.

“Lies,” Chanyeol teases. “You’re picking him up from the airport, right?”

“Yes. You should really come with me.”

“Nope. He wrote to you, not us. You two need to catch up. A long drive from Inchon National Airport should handle that, yes?”

“You’re awful. I’m going to vomit at the sight of him.”

“So melodramatic. Honestly though, Joonmyun trusts you. Even with all of his trust issues, he trusts you.”

“I don’t think I deserve that honor.”

“Who did he talk to after Jongin killed himself? You. Who did he write to when he was away recovering? You. You’re the one. He trusts you.”

“I don’t know why. I’ve been a dick to him.”

“But you’re a reformed dick now.”

“Wow. That’s very motivational, Yeol.”

“I only try to do my best.”

Wufan’s ringing cell phone cuts off his retort. Luhan is chattering away before Wufan can even edge in a greeting.

“He’s coming home today! I wanted to bake a cake and Minseok’s baby sister offered up her Easy Bake contraption to help the cause, but I don’t know if I have ingredients. Should I just buy one? Or two? Tao is going to inhale it. So I should buy two. Right? Two?”

“Uh, sure?” Wufan says in response.

“Useless!” Luhan wails. “I’m off to think. Drive safely!”

Wufan hangs up and glares at Chanyeol, who is snickering. “Don’t laugh at me,” he grunts reproachfully. “Luhan sounds like he’s been visited by the caffeine fairy.”

“Well we haven’t seen Joonmyun in a year.” Chanyeol says thoughtfully. “And we haven’t seen  _ healthy _ Joonmyun in four years.”

“I still don’t know if I’m ready to see him. I think I’m going to blow chunks.”

Chanyeol checks his watch. “Well, you’ll have plenty of time to settle your stomach during your drive to Inchon National. Breathing exercises, Wufan!”

“You’re the worst.” Wufan groans as Chanyeol ushers him towards his car. “Please come with me!”

“See you later! Drive safely, Fan!” Chanyeol yells over him.

Wufan climbs into the driver’s seat. Chanyeol waves at him giddily. Wufan fights off the urge to flip Chanyeol off as he puts on his seat belt. Chanyeol is still waving when he looks up, so this time he can’t help but grin as he pulls out of the driveway. Beneath all of his nerves, Wufan is sort of excited.


	49. August Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 24 July 2014

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YalgKfrOdsI) **Journey** \- _Faithfully_ | “ _I get the joy of rediscovering you… I’m still yours_.”

 

 

Butterflies in his stomach is a severe understatement. There’s a herd of buffalo rolling around in there, and Wufan is pretty sure he will definitely barf all over Joonmyun. He’s trying to curb this need, vomit is not a good welcome home present. Wufan knows this to be true. His parents have traveled all over the world and never have they been presented with vomit by the welcoming committee.

His eyes keep flickering to the arrival board, half hoping Joonmyun’s flight will suddenly report a delayed landing. Alas, Joonmyun’s flight lands right on schedule and Wufan’s desire to barf intensifies. He tries to calm down, going through customs and the baggage claim can take up to half an hour, right? Yes, he has time.

After fifteen minutes he starts to wander towards the gate, wondering if Joonmyun will even recognize him after a year apart. His stomach is doing acrobatic flips as he meanders to the gate, trying to think of excuses to bolt. None of them hold any water and he honestly doesn’t want to deal with an overly caffeinated and angry Luhan so he steels himself and waits. People start to trickle through the gate, waving at relatives and friends, calling to them with tired but cheerful voices. Wufan’s stomach flip flops.

When his eyes finally find Joonmyun, his heart leaps into his throat. Joonmyun looks happy. He’s talking animatedly to the bleach blonde girl Wufan recognizes from the photos. He starts to walk towards them and catches part of their conversation.

“I can’t believe we live so close to one another!” the blonde says. “We’ll have to see each other a lot. And if you hear from Soojung, let me know.”

“I will,” Joonmyun replies. “Especially if I hear from her, I’ll tell you.”

The blonde gives Joonmyun a big hug which he returns. “Take care of yourself, Joonmyun. I’ll miss you.”

“And you take care of yourself, Sunyoung,” Joonmyun laughs. “I’ll miss you too.”

A taller boy pauses behind them. “Well, this is it. Bye, you two.”

“Bye, Donghae!” the blonde chirps.

“Bye,” Joonmyun echoes softly. The boy claps Joonmyun’s shoulder and gives the blonde a small hug before walking towards the exit, suitcases in tow.

“My mom is waiting by the taxis,” the blonde says. “I’m going out to meet her.” She gives Joonmyun another hug. “Bye, Joonmyun. I’m really happy I met you.”

“I’m glad I met you too.” Joonmyun says. “Bye, Sunyoung.”

The blonde leaves and Joonmyun starts to walk towards the exit. Wufan prepares himself. “Kim Joonmyun.”

Joonmyun stops in his tracks. His eyes go wide. “Wufan?”

“Hi,” Wufan says awkwardly.  _ The million things you wanted to say and all you come up with is an uncomfortable “hi”? _ Wufan berates himself. “I know you weren’t expecting me.”

Joonmyun frowns slightly. “Did my mother tell you to do this? I could’ve taken a cab…”

“No,” Wufan says quickly, “I wanted to. No one asked me.”

“Oh.” Joonmyun bites his lip. “Thanks.”

“Should we go?” Wufan suggests. “I’m parked a little ways away.”

“Of course,” Joonmyun replies.

They walk in awkward silence, the clicking of Joonmyun’s suitcase wheels against the tiled floor the only noise.  _ This went so much more smoothly in my head _ , Wufan grouches to himself. The walk to the parking lot is long and Wufan finds himself glancing over his shoulder at Joonmyun, whose face is drawn in a frown. That’s bad.

“Do you want me to carry your suitcase?” he offers. “You must be exhausted.”

“No,” Joonmyun replies. “I’m fine.”

Fuck. Fuck.  _ Fuck _ . Wufan starts sweating. This feels like the Joonmyun he couldn’t reach no matter how hard he tried. It’s not different. His heart sinks a little.

Wufan pops the truck and, despite Joonmyun’s small protests, manhandles his suitcase into it. He also opens the passenger side door for Joonmyun who thanks him quietly. He climbs into the driver’s seat and starts the car.

The drive onto the highway, still silent. Wufan takes a deep breath. “How was New York?”

“It was nice.” Joonmyun replies. Out of the corner of his eye, Wufan can see Joonmyun studying a piece of paper. “Really different from Seoul, but still nice.”

Wufan decides to fill up his car with meaningless babble. “I’ve never been to New York. My dad has been there loads of times for work, he really likes it. He keeps saying we’ll go visit sometime but he always gets busy so we never get a chance. Anyway, I’ve really only been to California. I really liked Los Angeles. Kind of made me want to be a movie star even though I probably couldn’t act. I’ve been all around Canada with my dad. Vancouver’s really nice. And I’ve been to China a lot, naturally. There’s still a lot I haven’t seen though. My mom has probably seen most of China by now, she practically lives there. They both travel so much but it’s kind of funny, neither of them has been to Europe yet. I bet my dad will travel there first though. It’s weird, he travels so much for work but still travels for fun. I think I’d get sick of it really fast.”

Joonmyun is staring out the window. Wufan trips over his tongue. Joonmyun’s eyes meet his briefly. “No, keep talking. I’m not ignoring you; I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”

Wufan lapses back into silence and instead turns the radio on. A mellow pop ballad filters through his car’s speakers. Joonmyun is still staring at his piece of paper. Wufan wants to ask what it is, but doesn’t want to sound intrusive. The radio DJ is introducing the next song.

“A lot of people tell me to be happy, that I deserve to be happy.” Joonmyun speaks so quietly Wufan almost misses it. “But I’ve found that I don’t know what happiness is. It has been a very long time since I was happy.”

Wufan nods cautiously. He doesn’t know what kind of response Joonmyun wants to hear. “I think because you haven’t been happy other people want you to be happy.”

Joonmyun hums in agreement. “I think I was happy. In New York. There were times when I was sad and lonely, but I think I was mostly happy.” He scratches idly at his wrist. “With Sunyoung and Krystal, I was happy. Maybe because we all knew we were sick and there weren’t any pretenses. We were just  _ sick _ , but when you know about it beforehand it ended up not mattering.”

Wufan groans softly when he sees the traffic jam in front of them. “Damn,” he grumbles as he starts blindly searching for his phone. “We’ll be sitting here half an hour from the looks of it…”

Joonmyun shrugs.

“I’ve got to call Chanyeol.” Wufan finds his phone and dials. “Hey, Yeol. … There’s traffic like crazy. We’ll be sitting here for thirty minutes at least. … Yes, yes, I remember. … I will. … See you whenever.” He clicks his phone off and puts it in the cup holder. “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but it might be better if I do. The guys are planning a surprise homecoming party for you.”

Joonmyun looks genuinely shocked. “What?”

“I’m kidnapping you and driving you to Minseok’s house, not to yours. I’m not supposed to tell you, but I think I should. Please act surprised when they jump out from behind furniture or else Luhan and Chanyeol may kill me.” Wufan explains. “Since your mom is in Jeju we didn’t want you to come home without anyone acknowledging it.”

“You didn’t have to…”

“Yes we did, because we’re your friends and we haven’t seen you in a year. And we all really missed you.” Wufan grips the steering wheel tighter. “ _ I  _ really missed you.”

“Wufan.”

“I really missed you. And I’m glad you’re back.”

“I missed you too.” Joonmyun says. “Did you get my letters?”

“Yeah, I read them all.” Wufan drums his fingers against the wheel.

“Oh.”

The fall back into uncomfortable silence. Wufan feels as if the quiet is shredding his vocal chords, rendering him unable to speak. Pressure builds up in his throat. There’s so much he wants to, needs to, say. It’s not like he’s leaving Seoul for college, but he has no idea where Joonmyun is going, what Joonmyun wants out of his future, and it begins to dawn on him that this could be his last chance. He tries to gather up his strength but it keeps crumpling and sliding back down his throat. Joonmyun is still staring at his piece of paper.

“I love you.” Wufan says to the steering wheel. His eyes are glued to the logo stamped on the horn. The traffic hasn’t moved in ten minutes.

Joonmyun freezes beside him. “Wufan…”

“Please let me say my peace, because I need to say all of this right now.” Wufan interrupts.

Joonmyun nods.

“Do you remember what I told you before you left? I told you that I’d wait for you, that I wouldn’t leave, that I could wait forever because I love you. That’s all still true. I still love you. And I will always wait for you, no matter what. My feelings haven’t changed.”

“I’m not selfish enough to ask you to wait for me.” Joonmyun says thickly, tears in his eyes. “And I’m still too broken for you to love me.”

“You don’t have to ask me, because I’m willing. And I also told you that I’d wait until you were all put back together. Don’t you remember?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. I’m being sincere; I really do love you.”

“When I was in New York, Krystal told me to give my friends more credit. She told me that I should open up to you all. But it’s so hard and I’m still so scared.” Joonmyun crumples the paper in his hands. “It’s not because I don’t trust you. I do trust you, but I’m afraid of being abandoned. So it’s just hard.”

“I won’t… I wouldn’t… not again…” Wufan struggles for words.

“When I left that summer, I wanted to come back to something familiar, but everything was so different. It was like my whole world changed and I was just stuck where I was but everyone else had moved on. I was so lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself when all of you were so close and yet I couldn’t reconnect with any of you. That’s why I was so open to Dongjun, because I wanted to be loved by someone. I was so lonely. And that’s why it was so easy to get closer to Jongin, because he knew what I was going through.” Joonmyun moves to wipe his eyes and Wufan catches sight of something black on Joonmyun’s wrist.

“What’s that on your wrist?” Wufan asks.

Joonmyun jerks away immediately and Wufan’s chest burns. These little rejections never stop hurting. “It’s,” Joonmyun licks his lips nervously. “It’s a tattoo.”

Wufan is a little shocked. “A tattoo?”

“Of Jongin’s name,” Joonmyun says to the glove compartment. He’s running his fingers over the black ink. “It was kind of… spontaneous? Krystal wanted one and I went with her and ended up getting one too.”

“You don’t need to justify it. I was just curious.”

They fall silent again. The traffic is crawling along. Wufan chews on his lower lip, trying to will himself to speak again. There are things he wants to say, questions he burns to ask, but he’s tongue tied.

“Where are you going to college?” Joonmyun asks the side mirror.

“Me? Oh, um, Hankuk University. I’m going to study English. I want to be an interpreter.” Wufan tells the dashboard.

“That’s a good plan. You were always good at picking up languages.” Joonmyun replies. “I don’t know what I want to do. I didn’t give it much thought.”

“Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were young?”

“Yes, I wanted to be a teacher.”

“I think you’d be good at that.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. You were more effective at getting us to play together than the teachers.”

“I think you all exaggerate my kindergarten peacekeeping.”

“No, we’re being perfectly honest. You had a way with all of us. You led us subconsciously, we had no choice but to follow you. Maybe that’s why we all fell apart, suddenly you weren’t our leader. I’m not trying to pin anything on you… that was my crappy attempt to do  _ something _ . I’m not sure what I was trying to say.” Wufan slumps into his seat. Slowly the traffic is relenting. They’ll be moving at normal speed soon.

“I don’t know if I can love you back. Do you understand?” Joonmyun says suddenly.

“Because you’ll say you’re broken? I love you broken or not.”

“You’re like Dongjun when you say things like that.” Joonmyun frowns slightly. “That kind of love feels burdensome. I don’t think I’m good enough when you put it that way. I’m not ready to be in love. I don’t love myself yet. I’m not going to ask you to wait. If you meet someone else that’s better, don’t feel like you owe me. Just be happy.”

Wufan sighs heavily. “You still feel so closed off, like you’re trying to shut me out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I wasn’t trying to be accusatory. I don’t know what I thought it’d be like when you came back. Yixing warned me about expectations.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ll throw up.”

Wufan can see Joonmyun biting his lip.

“Now I feel like an asshole.” Wufan scratches his head vigorously. “I don’t know what to do. Is this a side effect of growing up? Not knowing how to interact with your once best friend?”

“Growing up is hard to do,” Joonmyun answers. “Everything changes and nothing is sacred. The relationships you make change with everything else or disintegrate. But the growing pains ease after a time, and we all move on with life.” He sighs. “You know, I wasn’t like this in New York. I was making progress. Krystal and I were afraid of this: going home and feeling like nothing was different. Maybe that’s why she chose to stay.”

“I had this kind of conversation with Chanyeol before I left. He said there wasn’t a thing he’d change about high school because it shaped us.”

“He’s right.” Joonmyun smiles faintly. “He’s usually right.”

“I feel like I say this to you every year, but I really want you to be able to lean on me. However you want me in your life, I just want to be a part of your life. Because you’re important to me.” Wufan sighs. The traffic is almost entirely cleared. “I will always regret not being a dependable person in your life.”

“I’m used to people flowing in and out of my life.”

“I promised Jongin I’d take care of you.”

“He doesn’t hold grudges.”

Wufan clenches his jaw. That’s his last image of Jongin, the crazed look in his dark eyes, the way his voice cracked around “Wufan.” The raw desperation that had thrown Wufan off guard long enough to actually hear Jongin. His plea isn’t something Wufan can push aside.

“It doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t,” Wufan says gruffly. “I made a promise that I want very much to keep. I intend to, one way or another.”

“Chivalry is very out of fashion.” Joonmyun says.

“Well according to Luhan and Zitao, who spent the better part of last week criticizing my clothing choices, I am never in fashion so it’s moot.”

“I’m not a responsibility.”

“Who said you were?”

“You act like it.”

Wufan frowns. “I don’t mean to.”

“I know.” Joonmyun’s brow is knit with frustration. “I know that you mean well. I know that you care about me. I’m grateful to you.”

“I haven’t been good to you.”

“But you’ve always been there.” Joonmyun looks at Wufan. “Do you remember what I told  _ you _ before I left? I thanked you for always being by my side. It’s still true. I am grateful and I will always be grateful.”

“Every time I don’t see you, I get used to you not being there. I get used to you not being a part of my life. I don’t… I don’t want to get used to that again.” Wufan says. “I want to be friends. I don’t want you to leave me.”

“I came back,” Joonmyun says in a tiny voice. “I promised you I would.”

“I know.” Wufan drums his long fingers against the steering wheel. “Do you have plans now that you’re back?”

“Not really. I didn’t take any college entrance exams over there. I’ll have to do them here, so I won’t be going to school immediately.” Joonmyun bites his lip. “Will I see you often?”

“I’m not really leaving the area, so I’ll be around.” Wufan says.

Joonmyun makes a neutral noise.

“Yes,” Wufan amends. “You’ll see me often.” Another pause. “If you want to.”

“I do.” Joonmyun looks over at Wufan briefly before staring back out at the road. “Could we start over? Is it possible for us?”

“What do you mean by start over?”

Joonmyun shrugs lightly. “Could we try to put the past four years behind us? Can we be friends again? I’m not fine and I don’t know when I’ll be fine, but I am better than I was. Can we be happy together?”

“Yes,” Wufan croaks. “Yes.”

Joonmyun smiles at him and it’s like sunshine breaking through the clouds. Wufan smiles back and they pull off the highway.

“I bet you didn’t miss this traffic.” Wufan grumbles.

Joonmyun laughs. “New York’s got its own.”

“Remember, you have to act surprised when they jump out behind the furniture. My life is at stake here. I’m pretty sure Luhan has been drinking espresso out of a barrel and he’ll probably kill me if he knows I spilled the beans.” Wufan warns as they approach Minseok’s house.

“I promise.” Joonmyun sticks out his pinky finger.

Wufan grins as he locks their pinkies.

Joonmyun laughs loudly when he opens the door and Luhan jumps out at him, yelling “surprise!” There’s a pink party hat nestled atop his blonde hair. Luhan pulls Joonmyun into a bear hug that six other bodies soon join. Wufan watches them with a smile before joining them. They all fuss over Joonmyun and how good he looks and Joonmyun is laughing and smiling. Wufan hasn’t seen him like this in four years.

Chanyeol pats him on the shoulder. “Did you two talk during the ride back?”

Wufan nods. The Joonmyun he’s seeing isn’t the same as the thirteen year old boy that left and came back broken to pieces, not the red headed tornado that still knew how to bite when Wufan overstepped boundaries, and not the skeletal frail thing that made Wufan’s blood boil with unfathomable rancor. He’s a Joonmyun that Wufan hasn’t met yet, but he wants to.

“Yeah, we did.”

Joonmyun turns back to smile at Wufan. Wufan returns it broadly. For the first time since the letters came, Wufan feels hopeful about the future.

“Everything’s going to be just fine.”


	50. extra 0 - September Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Formerly unpublished alternate ending; intended to come after Chapter 13 as a final scene

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoFN_-8FiMw) **Spring Awakening** \- _And Then There Were None_ | _“They’re not my home, not anymore. Not like they so were before. Still, I’ll split and they’ll like… well, who knows?”_

 

 

Dear Kyungsoo,

How have you been? I’ve been alright. I wanted to write to you because one, I miss you, and two, I thought you might want to know what’s been going on in the neighborhood.

But first, how is Inchon? Are you getting settled into your new school? Are the kids nice there? Zitao told me to say that if anyone is mean to you he’ll be over with his  _ wushu _ stick to set them straight. I hope there’s a nice music program in your school. Jongdae said it would be a shame if you couldn’t sing in your school. He also adds that you shouldn’t worry about him because Sehun agreed to share Luhan as a Mandarin tutor. I’m getting a little off topic, so I’ll start again. I hope you’re doing well in your new place.

I’m doing well. Baekhyun and I made up and we’re working on being friends again. His little brother got gum stuck in my hair so I had to buzz it. Speaking of which, I had Joonmyun take some pictures so I could add them to this letter and you can see what we’re doing. I’m going to play basketball and baseball again this year with Kris.

Baekhyun is doing well too. He and Jongdae are getting along, though they’re already competing for solos and it’s only the first week of school for us. He says he hopes you’re settling in well and to come and visit soon.

Jongdae is also doing well. He smiles a lot more than last year. He isn’t failing Mandarin II yet, which is good. Luhan is a very patient tutor to him.

Luhan is playing soccer with Minseok this fall. Luhan’s pretty good too. He and Sehun are still going pretty strong. He wants me to tell you he hopes you’re doing well and to visit when you can.

Sehun is the same as always: blank faced and stoic. He got elected captain of the dance team, much to everyone’s shock. He’s pretty bossy now. I keep hearing kids complaining about him. He says hello and he hopes you’re happy in Inchon.

Minseok, as I mentioned earlier, is playing soccer. I don’t know if you were aware of it but Minseok was fighting with an eating disorder and was pretty messed up for a while. He’s doing much better. He likes playing soccer and seems much healthier. He says hi and visit soon so you can cook for him.

Zitao has been grumpy lately. His doctor told him to quit smoking and I think he’s in a nicotine withdrawal. He still smokes now and then, but it’s clear he’s consciously trying to stop. Oddly enough, Minseok’s sweets obsession led Tao to find candy cigarettes. He’s constantly chewing on them. He tried lighting one, but it didn’t work out too well. He says hi and the offer to  _ wushu _ a jerk still stands. 

Kris is trying to repair his friendship with Joonmyun. They had a big fight at the end of June but they’ve sort of made up. I don’t really know how much they see of each other these days, but they seem to be getting along. Eh, this is a little off topic, but Kris asked me out on a date the other day. I was completely shocked, but happy because I’ve had a little crush on him for a while. Pray for me, okay? Kris also says hi and he hopes you’ve settled in.

Joonmyun and his boyfriend are also going steady. We honestly don’t see much of his boyfriend, probably because he’s older. There’s a picture of him and Joon in the stack. It’s really cute, Joonmyun took the picture right as his boyfriend went to kiss his cheek. Joon told me not to put it in the letter but I did anyway. Ssh! Don’t tell him. Joonmyun has been doing fine. He’s smiling a lot more. He says he hopes you’re doing well and that he misses you.

We don’t see much of Yixing these days. Luhan talks to him pretty frequently because they’re in a lot of classes together, but he doesn’t hang out with us much. He’s very focused on dancing these days. Luhan says Yixing is very sorry for hurting you and he didn’t mean for it to happen.

Well, I saved Jongin for last just in case you don’t want to know about him. Feel free to ignore this paragraph if you don’t. Jongin’s been kind of reclusive since you’ve left. He doesn’t talk much to anyone anymore. He’s still on the dance team, but he doesn’t fight much for spots. I was expecting him to pitch a fit about Sehun becoming a captain but he didn’t. He’s been trying to contact you, but you changed your number. When you’re ready, you should talk to him. I think he misses you the most. I bet he just wants to apologize and ask you how you are.

It’s safe to read again! In short, we all hope you’re doing well in Inchon. Study hard, eat well, take care of your health, and be sure to visit Seoul sometime.

From, Park Chanyeol

 

Kyungsoo closes the letter with a smile. He sets it down and pulls out a fresh sheet of paper. He taps his lower lip thoughtfully before beginning.

 

Dear Chanyeol,

Thank you for your kind letter. I miss you all too.... 


	51. extra 1 - Be the Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally published to AsianFanfics on 18 October 2013 as part of a collection entitled “Twenty-Five”
> 
> Tw: discussion of self-harm, suicidal ideation

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FFW764qcqk) **Block B** \- _Be the Light_ | “ _Be the light. Shine on my black and hidden heart. Melt me from being frozen. Extraordinarily blind me so I can’t see anyone else._ ”

  
  


 

Jongin is the darkness and Joonmyun is the light.

It doesn’t really make any sense. Joonmyun is in a much darker place than Jongin is, and is constantly in the throes of that darkness. Jongin at least can throw off his inner demons once in a while and pretend to be whole. Joonmyun struggles to pretend. And yet, it is Joonmyun who is the light.

It starts on a park bench in the snow – scars stark against the whiteness of winter. January is cold but Jongin’s memories chill him more than any winter wind. Joonmyun’s presence melts him, makes him realize he isn’t the only one in pain. Joonmyun’s pain is tangible. It suffocates Jongin and he gasps for air. Joonmyun has already given into suffocation. Jongin grapples to pull Joonmyun away from the edge, but he’s too far gone. Yet Joonmyun is the light.

Joonmyun is the light because he always pulls himself out of his personal darkness to drag Jongin back into the light. Jongin teeters on the edge too and comes much closer to pitching himself off willingly. But every time, come hell or high water, Joonmyun is there to drag him, kicking and screaming, away from the brink of total darkness.

June brings them closer together. Kyungsoo crashes into Jongin’s soul like a typhoon, ripping to shreds the last bit of sanity he had. He ravages Kyungsoo’s soul like a tornado, leaving wasteland in his path. Kyungsoo’s horrified eyes kill Jongin deeply. His words are clipped and cold. Jongin swears off hurting himself because he can’t bear the thought of burdening Kyungsoo’s conscious. He’ll abide by that vow, but it won’t stop him from clawing at the white lines with his blunt fingernails.

June means Joonmyun has run out of places to hide. He’s confronted by Luhan and the shit hits the fan. Two years of untreated self-harm erupt to the surface, the hot lava of truth scorching everything in its reach. Joonmyun spends a week in the hospital strapped to a bed, on suicide watch, but he is still the light.

Joonmyun and Jongin click in a sickening way. They’re sick and they’re sad and they have no resolve to heal sometimes. Jongin quits dance team. Joonmyun cuts off his hair. They spend the last week of August in Jongin’s basement, sitting in the darkest corner, breathing in ancient paint chips and melancholy. Jongin starts self-medicating in a different way. He’s sworn off razorblades and paperclips; he’s turned to his father’s secret stash of imported hard liquor. Hangovers hurt, but alcohol numbs him so blissfully he can deal with bloodshot eyes and pounding temples.

Jongin is there when Joonmyun uncaps his bottle of antidepressants and pours them into the toilet. Jongin holds his hand as Joonmyun flushes them away.

“Is this right?” Joonmyun whispers.

“You’re doing the right thing.” Jongin replies.

“Then why do I feel like I’m killing myself?” Joonmyun asks.

Jongin has no answers. The darkness is never-ending questions and answers that have no meaning. Darkness is infinite. Jongin lets his darkness manifest. Joonmyun drowns in Jongin.

It is January again. The snow is falling heavily outside, coating the streets in white purity.

Jongin is insistent. “Let’s kill ourselves.”

“Jongin, stop. Jongin, no.” Joonmyun claws at Jongin, vainly attempting to deter him.

Jongin shoves Joonmyun away and runs, clutching one large bottle of hard liquor and one small bottle of heavy painkillers. It’s a deadly duo, and Joonmyun gives chase, tripping over his own feet in the snow. Lips turning blue, ears turning red. Joonmyun shouts Jongin’s name over and over again. Jongin ignores him and stumbles on.

Joonmyun catches up and throws himself onto Jongin. He sobs, tears freezing on his reddened face. “Don’t,” he begs. “Jongin don’t.”

“What do I have left? What do you have left? I’m going to do it, Joon. I’m going to do it.”

“You promised me! You promised  _ Kyungsoo _ !”

Jongin hits Joonmyun hard, blood bursts in Joonmyun’s mouth and drips onto the white snow. “Don’t say his name!” Jongin howls. “Don’t you dare try to guilt me by using him.”

Joonmyun wipes at his mouth and then moves to wipe away his tears. Red blood smears his pale cheek. “Jongin, I can’t handle this. I can’t lose you. You’re the only one I have left.”

“So come with me!”

“I can’t!”

“Why?”

“I’m scared. Please, Jongin, stop it.” Joonmyun bites his frozen lips, tears glittering on his face. The red blood is stark against the whiteness of the night.

Jongin slumps his shoulders. “What do you want me to do? Every second I’m suffocating.”

Joonmyun moves forward to hug Jongin and they fall down into the snow. It’s freezing and the snow is unrelenting. Joonmyun cries and Jongin stares into the black night sky. “No one would miss me.” Jongin states.

“I would.” Joonmyun says.

Jongin strokes Joonmyun’s frozen face. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s go back.” Joonmyun says.

They sleep that night curled up in Jongin’s basement. Joonmyun holds Jongin’s waist tightly, afraid to let go. Jongin allows it. He doesn’t sleep much these days, so he watches Joonmyun. Joonmyun cries in his sleep. He mumbles out names too. He’s calling out for people – his dad, his boyfriend, even Kris, and Jongin. Joonmyun clings tighter as more tears slide out from under frosted eyelashes.

They wake up to a thin beam of sunlight through the tiny window. Joonmyun looks like he was dragged through hell. Jongin wipes the dried blood off of his face.

Joonmyun is the light because come hell or high water, he is there to drag Jongin, kicking and screaming, away from the edge of insanity. Jongin is darkness because he gets lost in himself and tries to douse the light. They’re not meant to interact so closely. One is destined to chase the other around in an endless cycle.

“Promise me,” Joonmyun whispers. “Promise you’ll never leave me. Everyone else leaves.”

“I won’t.” Jongin promises.

Jongin is darkness. Joonmyun is light. Joonmyun is constantly smothered by darkness. Jongin is constantly flooded with light. They balance one another. It’s a dangerous dance.

It’s perfect. 


	52. extra 2 - The Word of Your Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 21 December 2013 as part of a collection entitled “Twenty-Five”

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC8lycplC2U) **Spring Awakening** \- _The Word of Your Body_ | “ _Haven’t you heard the word of your body? Oh, I’m gonna be wounded, oh, I’m gonna be your wound. Oh, I’m gonna bruise too, oh, you’re gonna be my bruise._ ”

  
  


 

Jongdae appreciates beauty.

His parents met at a record store, it’s no wonder their baby was born a musical prodigy. Jongdae was gifted with perfect pitch and uncanny eyes and ears. He sang in the church choir and took piano lessons. From a young age, he was taught to appreciate art and music.

Jongdae could be model child if he weren’t as vain as a show pony and a loose-lipped one at that. His eyes are ears pick up on everything. It got him in trouble as a youth, blabbing to everyone everything he happened to hear or see. As he got older it got him into physical altercations that ended in bloody noses and black eyes.

Baekhyun is pretty. The boy is slight, a bit smaller than Jongdae, with delicate facial features. His voice is gentle and his eyes are soft. Even when heavily ringed with black kohl, Baekhyun’s eyes are warm and his smile is bright. Jongdae doesn’t think of Baekhyun as anything more than a friend so it shocks him when Baekhyun confesses with a kiss.

Jongdae’s head spins as he says the first thing that pops up in his head: “I like girls.” Well, it’s true. Jongdae likes girls. They’re pretty and soft and they smell nice. Jongdae would be a great boyfriend. He would notice little things like their shoes or nail polish or how they did their hair… He’d be perfect.

Baekhyun distances himself after that. The air is filled with awkward tension that Jongdae doesn’t know how to dispel. He had Baekhyun had gotten to be close friends, it was so weird now that they weren’t on speaking terms again. Even after they’d been forced to make up by their friends, Jongdae still puzzled over Baekhyun’s confession. Did he really not like guys? Or was he just too shocked to react any other way?

When he thought about his friends and their relationships, he felt envious. Luhan and Sehun were glued at the hip and so grossly happy. Joonmyun and his boyfriend weren’t the same way, but it was clear that they had a bond that couldn’t just be fabricated. Thinking about Joonmyun made Jongdae think about Wufan, and opportunities lost. Wufan was so hopeless enamored with Joonmyun, but Joonmyun was off the market. Wufan acted out on his negative feelings, and initiated many of Joonmyun’s bad episodes. Wufan hadn’t acted on his feelings in time, and now he was embittered and angry. Did Jongdae, who day by day was coming to realize gender wasn’t important to love, want to be a bitter shithead? No!

Asking Baekhyun out was a daunting task. He’d callously rejected the boy, and even though they’d made up it was still obvious Baekhyun had been hurt. He tried (and failed) to ask Baekhyun delicately, but Baekhyun had accepted him with a round of enthusiastic kissing. Baekhyun’s lips were thin and soft against Jongdae’s.

After starting to date, Jongdae’s favorite pastime is to memorize Baekhyun. He memorizes the lines on Baekhyun’s forehead, the ones that crinkle when he’d focuses. He memorizes the veins in Baekhyun’s neck that become prominent when he reaches for that high note. He memorizes the sharp points of Baekhyun’s pelvis. He memorizes the way Baekhyun’s fingers feel entwined with his. He memorizes the way Baekhyun fists his hand in Jongdae’s hair and pulls him aggressively in for kisses. He memorizes the way Baekhyun’s tongue taps his impatiently. He memorizes the way Baekhyun’s cheeks flush and the way his hair gets ruffled. He memorizes how it feels to get tangled up in Baekhyun’s blankets and limbs. He memorizes Baekhyun like a song and sings it back by marking up Baekhyun’s white skin with red hickeys.

Baekhyun is pretty and Jongdae thinks together they’re beautiful.


	53. extra 3 - Bedroom Hymns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally published to AsianFanfics on 23 January 2014 as part of a collection entitled “Twenty-Five”
> 
> Cw: sexual content, discussion of self-harm, depression

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGuZ9kIBhyo) **Florence + The Machine** \- _Bedroom Hymns_

 

 

_ This is as good a place to fall as any – we’ll build our altar here. Make me your Maria. I’m already on my knees. _

 

It is April. The weather is fair and mild. It’s the perfect weather for track and field. The sun doesn’t beat down on them oppressively as they do their laps around the field.

“Remember to stay hydrated.” Dongjun tells his runners. He’s the captain of the track team and feels a fierce sense of pride and protectiveness for his runners. They chorus that they’ll drink water and trudge off to the locker room. Dongjun stays behind. The baseball team is in the adjacent field, they look like they’re about to start batting practice.

He doesn’t stay to observe the baseball team though, he stays because he catches sight of you, crouching to take a picture of some flowers blooming beside the track. He approaches you slowly, careful not to startle you. When he crouches beside you, you blink rapidly, surprised by his appearance.

He offers you a kind smile. “I’m Kim Dongjun, what’s your name?”

You bite your lip before answering shyly, “Kim Joonmyun.”

“You know, not many people would pay attention to flowers growing here. Most people would think they’re weeds.”

“They look sort of out of place, you know? Flowers always grow around the baseball field, but not here. They’re always cutting the grass here.”

“I help out with the newspaper when I can. Their photographer quit recently, they’re looking for a replacement.” He fixes you with a warm smile. “Want to give it a try?”

“We have a newspaper?” is what comes out of your mouth. You quickly cover it, face reddening in embarrassment. “I mean, uh, I’ll think about it?”

Dongjun nods and reaches to push one of your curls away from your forehead. “I’ll wait for your answer, Kim Joonmyun.”

He stands up and walks away, but lingers long enough to catch sight of one of your friends catch you by the hand and ask about the “cute guy talking to you.” He sees you flush and explain about the newspaper. Your friend’s eyebrows waggle and he encourages you to flirt with Dongjun. He sees you turn redder – how is it possible to be that affably cute and pink? he wonders – and refuse to do any such thing. Your friend rolls his eyes and tows you away. Dongjun laughs softly and heads into the locker room.

 

_ You had Jesus on your breath and I caught him in mine. Sweating our confessions, the undone and the divine. _

 

You find yourself standing before Dongjun again in a week, biting your lip and fidgeting like a little boy. He still finds you adorable. You’ve agreed to work with the newspaper as their new photographer. He smiles at you so warmly your worries wash away with ease. You even manage to smile back, even though it’s really more of a lip twitch than anything else.

“Oh, there’s one more thing.”

“Yes?”

Dongjun takes your hand in his. His palm is calloused and feels rough and large against your smaller one. He rubs his thumb over your knuckles. You look at him nervously.

“Maybe I’m being presumptuous, but I’d like to ask you out on a date.”

Your eyes go wide. “Excuse me?”

“Please forgive me if I was wrong to think you liked men. But you’re very cute and I like you.”

“But you don’t even know me!”

He smiles at you wryly. “I don’t? You’re Kim Joonmyun. Freshman. Photographer for the school newspaper. A little on the skinny side. A little shorter than me, which is ideal. Likes to wear sweaters. Very cute. Blushes a lot. Even cuter.”

You’re bright red. “And I don’t know you.”

“I’m Kim Dongjun. Junior. Captain of the track team – cross country and track and field. I write sports articles for the newspaper sometimes. Looking for a nice guy. I think I’ve found one.”

“I…I…I…I need to think about this!”

He kisses the inside of your wrist gently. “Of course. Take your time. But please give me a definitive answer. I’ll be waiting, Joonmyun.”

 

_ This is his body. This is his love. Such selfish prayers and I can’t get enough. _

 

“I came to a decision.”

“Oh?” Dongjun’s face is carefully neutral, but you can detect the little glimmer of hope in his eyes.

You take a deep breath. “Yes.” You lick your lips. “Yes, I’ll date you.”

He scoops you up in his arms and you squeak in surprise. He smiles at you so warmly, so happily, you can feel yourself melting. “Thank you, Joonmyun. I’m going to be a good boyfriend, I promise.” He pauses and lets you down. “Joonmyun, I want to kiss you. May I?”

You squeak before nodding slowly. He bends down ever so slightly to press your lips together. Your eyes flutter shut as Dongjun deepens the kiss, wrapping his arms around you. You’ve never been kissed before, at least not like this. No one has ever lusted for you like this. It’s kind of exhilarating, being desired like this.

Dongjun licks at the seam of your mouth and you open it to him. His tongue brushes against yours and you feel your knees grow weak. His hands grip your hips possessively and he very gently rocks his hips against yours. You can feel how hard he is and you make a little strangled noise in the back of your throat.

He pulls away from you then. He looks concerned. “Joonmyun, please don’t misunderstand me, this isn’t just physical.”

You’re searching for words but they’re slipping away faster than you can catch them.

Dongjun strokes the side of your face. “I like you a lot, Joonmyun. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to your body, because I am. But I don’t want to scare you and I definitely don’t want to rush you. Just tell me if it’s too much, beautiful.”

You find it difficult to breathe as you try to process all of the information fluttering around you. Your mouth is in full rebellion and refuses to form any intelligible noise. “It’s not… you’re not… I’m not…” You stop yourself from babbling and try again. “No one’s ever been attracted to me this way. I’m just nervous.” You run your fingertips over Dongjun’s well defined arm. “But I like the way you hold me.”

 

_ Spilt milk tears, I did this for you. Spilling over the idol, the black and the blue. _

 

It is May. This is the last place you expect to be: pressed up against a row of lockers in the boys’ locker room, being kissed passionately by Dongjun, who has one hand caressing your hipbone and the other down the front of your pants.

It’s a terribly compromising position to start, but the noises that keep coming out of you would definitely affirm to any passerby that yes, you are getting jacked off in almost-public by your boyfriend of, like, a day. So much for discretion.

Dongjun keeps whispering sweet nothings into your ear. He tells you that you’re beautiful when you blush, that the noises you make are pretty, etc. You tremble beneath his gentle but firm touches and warm breath against your ear. Your thighs tremble when you come, and he gently cleans you up, kissing you even more sweetly and telling you that he loves you. You blush and shyly tell him you love him back. And you mean it too. You’ve never experienced this feeling before, you’ve never known what it’s like to be loved this way. You like this feeling.

 

_ Sweetest submission, drinking it in: the wine, the women; the bedroom hymns. _

 

It’s no surprise that you end up in a bed, pressed deeply into a mattress, biting the back of your hand to stifle the noises climbing up your throat.

“It hurts more if you tense up, love.” He tells you softly. “Breathe with me, relax.”

To you it seems he’s well versed in how to make love to a man, but you don’t dare ask if he’s ever done this before. You’re a virgin, and you’re fucking terrified at that, so terrified all of the lights are off and the curtains are drawn tightly. Your bedroom is so dark it’s hard to see and you’re secretly happy because you’re shy about your body but more importantly the self-harm scars on your wrist must be concealed from Dongjun’s roaming eyes.

His fingers are cold and wet with lube and they’re prodding you. You whimper because it hurts and he kisses your cheek and tells you that it’ll be okay, that it’ll stop hurting. You try to do what he tells you – take deep breaths – but your breathing quickens every time his fingers move.

“If it hurts too much or if you want to stop, just tell me.” His hands rest on your hips as he pushes forward. You cry out, digging your fingers into the strong plane of Dongjun’s back. “I love you,” he whispers. “Breathe with me, love.”

You nod and bury your face into his shoulder and inhale. He smells like sweat and musk and you like that. He smells clean and you feel safe in his arms. The pain in starting to subside as he gently rocks him hips into yours. Your breaths come out more evenly now and you can feel pinpricks of pleasure beneath your skin. Dongjun nips at your collarbone with his teeth. He’s marking you. Some other part of you should feel indignant about being marked somewhere where anyone can see, but it’s too exhilarating. Someone  _ wants _ you. Someone likes you so much they want other people to know.

He holds you after and kisses you. You kiss him back, feeling dizzy and loved.

 

_ ‘Cause this is his body. This is his love. Such selfish prayers and I can’t get enough. Oh, I can’t get enough. _

 

All of the commercials about generic antidepressants are true: depression hurts. It hurts even more when you feel alone and lonely facing all of your built-up issues. There’s pent-up anger in you that you didn’t know existed, but it reveals itself by snapping at Dongjun. You feel awful and it feels worse when he doesn’t pick up his phone. Apologizing face to face yields no better results because he sees your scars. The panic washes over you and you beg to have this conversation later, hopefully when you’re not having a nervous breakdown. At least when you do have that dreaded conversation you both reaffirm your love. All seems right with the world.

Until December, when your world comes to a screeching halt. Because even though Wufan was once your friend and there are no romantic feelings on your side, it’s difficult for Dongjun to misinterpret Wufan forcefully kissing you. He doesn’t want to listen to you at first, he’s angry and rightfully so. You’re furious with Wufan but you’re even more desperate for Dongjun to understand you. You just learned to lean on him for support, you who has tried to be autonomous in your depression, and you don’t want to need to revert back to that autonomy.

In February, Dongjun apologizes and it’s like life was breathed back into your lungs. Some of your wayward happiness returns and your chest doesn’t hurt like it did without him. You’re more careful now, but the depression lingers in dark corners and creeps up on you when you aren’t noticing. But Dongjun is there to take the edge off of your intense loneliness and sadness, so you can at least pretend to be okay. You don’t tell him, but in the months you were working out your problems you had started to self-harm again. It’s a secret you know you shouldn’t keep, but you aren’t brave enough to confess it just yet.

In May, he introduces you to his parents and it is fairly safe to say they hate you. The way they look at you is enough, their eyes are sharp and cold. They are disappointed in their son’s choice of a partner. You are ordinary, boring, and, in comparison to Dongjun, nothing. It hurts because you wanted to impress them and it befuddles you how such mean people created such a lovely child. Dongjun tells you he’ll talk to them, but you know his parents are right to hate you.

In June, all of your secrets are discovered and Dongjun is there to hold you through it. There’s a hollow numbness that permeates your body. The words mandatory therapy and custody dispute swim in your brain along with the knowledge that Dongjun is headed to Busan for college. You start to panic because very soon these strong arms that have held you through so much will be packing up and headed far away. Busan is very far from Seoul. You’ll be fine, you tell yourself.

 

_ I’m not here looking for absolution because I found myself an old solution. _

 

Dongjun is far away. He thinks of you, you hope. You lie to him and say you’re fine and that your recovery is going well. You aren’t fine at all. You’re sicker than you’ve ever been, cutting regularly, and very possibly cheating on him. Jongin is so damaged you ache to help him heal, and Jongin’s lips on yours should feel wrong but they don’t and that is not good.

It is December. No matter how many times you thought about it or voiced it, Dongjun breaking up with you is not something you were ready for. Even though you had told yourself over and over that it would happen someday – because you are, as you say, inadequate – it still doesn’t prepare you for how much it hurts. It’s as if Dongjun has reached into your chest and ripped out your heart. It’s worse because it’s not like he stomps on it, he’s nice about breaking up and that hurts more.

His words rattle you, your mind is so far gone you don’t know if he’s telling you the truth or just trying to ease your heartache. Regardless of what he says, you’re aware enough to know that you’re sick and you need to stop your self-destructive behavior. You think about him often, wishing it could have been different. You miss his embrace, and his comforting love, but you need to be strong enough to stand up by yourself. He said he couldn’t make you happy.

“Kim Joonmyun, you deserve to be happy.”

And so you begin your journey with small, faltering footsteps.


	54. extra 4 - All About Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to AsianFanfics on 12 April 2014 as part of a collection entitled “Twenty-Five”
> 
> Tw: self-harm

[♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-8XutNfKCk) **t.A.T.u**. - _All About Us_ | “ _They don’t know. They can’t see who we are. Fear is the enemy. Hold on tight; hold onto me_.”

  
  


 

Misery loves company, someone famous said that, Joonmyun thinks. Yes, he is miserable, and he shares his misery with Jongin, who is on an equal plane of misery.

Theirs is a unique brand of sadness mingled with ugliness. It’s an acquired taste, choked down without a chaser. There’s no reprieve for this kind of anguish.

Cutting was never an answer thirteen year old Joonmyun could’ve dreamed about. His life was happy. His parents were happy. His friends were happy. He was happy. Ignorance is bliss, someone else famous said that. Thirteen year old Joonmyun’s world came crashing down with one sentence screamed by his mother. Amid the shattered china dinnerware and his father’s lopsidedly buttoned work shirt and some phantom woman’s smeared pink lipstick was a battle cry. “WE’RE GETTING A DIVORCE!”

The day Joonmyun’s school ended for summer vacation he was packed into his mother’s car and driven to Jeolla-do. Summers in Jeolla-do used to be happy ones, but not this one. The faces of his grandparents said it all. He could hear his mother crying through the paper thin walls. Even covering his face with the pillows couldn’t drown it out.

Joonmyun didn’t understand. All he had known was happiness. He couldn’t even fathom this kind of betrayal. Even though Joonmyun didn’t see much of his father, he still respected the man. He didn’t understand how his father could reduce his mother to tears like this. His strong mother, who was constantly juggling her demanding job and Joonmyun, was now a nervous sobbing wreck. It didn’t make sense. Joonmyun was lost.

Drowning in a sea of uncertainty, Joonmyun found a way to tread water: by dragging a broken piece of wire across the tender skin of his wrist. It alleviated the pain, even if it was only temporary relief.  It was the only thing he could so. He didn’t feel comfortable in the house with his crying mother and somber grandparents. His father was still in Seoul, packing up his belongings and moving out of the house. No one spared him a glance as the divorce proceedings officially began. Joonmyun sat by himself in the green grass outside of his grandparents’ home and cut himself, releasing the bubbling pain inside of himself.

Returning home ushered in a new kind of torment. The once familiar place, his home, was now tinged with the unknown. The faces of his friends were like that of strangers. The high school seemed so big and imposing. Worst of all, there was no one Joonmyun felt as though he could genuinely speak to, no one who might understand him.

It isn’t until the next school year that Joonmyun is able to connect to another human being. Jongin, with white scars decorating his torso, can sync with Joonmyun unlike any other. The kind of intimate connection they share is unparalleled, not even Joonmyun’s boyfriend can understand him like this.

It escalates with Jongin’s lips on his, Jongin’s hand cupping the side of his face. It should feel wrong, improper, dirty, unwanted, but it doesn’t. It can’t because Jongin understands. That’s all Joonmyun really wants, a person to see where he’s coming from and not judge him. Jongin is sitting with him in the depths of their own personal hell. Joonmyun can’t push Jongin away. Jongin’s dangling off the edge, if Joonmyun pushes him, Jongin will fall over. It’s more than likely that Jongin will pull Joonmyun down with him, darkness meant for two.

Sometimes Jongin will hold him when he cuts, his fingernails raking through Joonmyun’s hair as Joonmyun slides the razorblade over his sensitive skin. Jongin is usually drunk at these times, slurring incoherently into the side of Joonmyun’s neck, breath hot with alcohol. Joonmyun feels safe like this, with Jongin’s arm looped around his waist, breath tickling his neck.

On his quest for understanding, Joonmyun ends up isolating himself to all but Jongin. Jongin’s solace comes with a price. There’s scorn, and there’s worry, and there’s disbelief, and there’s pain, but Jongin is there to ease it away. The eyes of their former friends follow them. Mouths pursed in unbelieving o’s judge them. Holding Jongin’s hand makes it easier.

Breathing with Jongin is just easier.


End file.
